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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

334 replies

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:06

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 29/10/2022 00:31

So from one conversation with one teenager OP (who may have been being wound up) has made a shaky extrapolation that some women are doing a poor job raising their sons. Hmm

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/10/2022 01:23

No! My sons are my precious princes and I wouldn’t want them to marry a partner who didn’t realise how marvellous they are. They need to be raised to know how they ought to be treated.

LoisLane66 · 29/10/2022 02:53

My 5, 2 boys 3 girls, were all working full time at 16 and all of them worked away from home. 2 came home at weekends but not the boys. The lads/men (now married and in their 40s) do all their own laundry and do their fair share of house chores, sometimes more, as both wives work f/t too.
Up until they were 16 they hadn't done 'chores' as such but were expected to tidily pull back duvets to air their beds and straighten sheets etc, help clear the table after meals and clean up and not leave wet towels in the bathroom.
Funnily enough they all coped with learning to cook and iron and clean to the point that my sons won't let their wives do their laundry as they're better at doing it. I actually thought their shirts had been to the local valeting service.
So no, although I thought and still think they're wonderful, I reckoned that they would find their feet in the real world as I did at the same age. It's testament to that early working start in life, that they were all on the housing ladder by the age of 19 with no parental or GP help at all.
Their children have all benefitted from that outlook too.

Newmumatlast · 29/10/2022 03:59

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:06

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

Based on what he said to you I dont see this as relevant to his sex. The mother may be this way as a mum regardless of sex of the child. My own mum did everything for me and I'm female. I get that it means he could grow into a man expecting everything done for him but then so could I have grown into a woman expecting that. I didnt. I grew into a woman who expects a man to share housework- and that is despite my Dad doing nothing either. Because actually though my mum did everything because she felt kids should be kids and Dad worked, she also was very keen on pressing the equality agenda and encouraging careers for us. So was Dad. It seemed clear to me that she did what she did because she was the one working in the home and it wasn't about her sex. So I think actually rather than it just being about what a parent physically does it's about what they say and the values they instil

Newmumatlast · 29/10/2022 04:04

Mumoffairy · 28/10/2022 19:09

Each to their own, but my children will always be picked up if they need at night.
I could always count on my dad to be there when i called no matter the hour.
Most of my friends have gotten into a car with a drunk driver or had to wait around at stations getting into uncomfortable situations. Its one of the things im most grateful for. That i always knew i had a save ride home.

Show quote history

Same and I will do the same for my kids. Something I have always appreciated so much is how my parents have always cared about my welfare to the point they will drop everything to safely collect me. I have chosen a husband who does the same for me, and I for him, and my parents still would if needed.

Again because of the morals instilled in me its less about me now feeling everyone has to do everything for me and more about us all taking care of eachother as family.

MysteryBelle · 29/10/2022 05:00

You’re outraged over a casual remark from a teenager? I wonder if you are doing this because you already don’t like the teen boy’s mother, and that gave you ammunition to attack her. Badly done, op.

Chi11ijam67743479 · 29/10/2022 06:01

Amongst my dc’s friends( boys and girls) I think this is far more of an issue with girls. The word pampered doesn’t even begin to describe it.

So YABU to cast judgement on the parenting of an entire gender.

DanceItOut · 29/10/2022 07:00

I suspect it’s not quite as simple as that lad is making it out to be. My teenage son went around telling people that he was his nan’s favourite and she would buy him anything he wanted if I withheld pocket money due to poor behaviour. She adores him and spoils him of course she does as many grandparents do but she would never just buy him anything he wanted whether he was being punished or being an Angel but he clearly thought that sounded cool to his mates. I also overheard him say on the phone when I had popped to ask him if there was anything in particular he wanted for dinner and as I walked away he said to his girlfriend that yeah that’s the only time mum bothers me is to basically just bring me food. Which is not true at all. I also bother him to take the bins out, do his laundry, tidy his room, feed the cats and sometimes cook dinner etc. He didn’t say these things in a jokey way or anything but still they were complete lies.

Do I still do a lot for him and my DD? Of course I do because they are 10 and 14 however they do both know how to change their sheets and do their laundry. Both know how to use the hoover and wash up. Both get asked to help out with things like washing up or taking bins out. DS is the 14yo and he also knows how to cook a few basic meals like chilli or pasta. Are they both still lazy on occasion? Absolutely if they can get away with being lazy then they will but I think that’s true of a lot of people regardless of age or gender.

OMG12 · 29/10/2022 08:49

I think these days there is a lot of poor parenting of children all round. Lots of Children are being brought up to expect everything now. That the world owes them a living, that they can be and do whatever they want without thinking of the impact on others.

listening to music/watching films in public places without headphones is a particular bug bear

little girls being dressed up to the nines with make up

disruptive kids in school who have obviously never been disciplined at home

kids doing fairly well in sports and parents treating them as if they are the next messi

kids not facing any consequences of poor behaviour

etc etc

Topgub · 29/10/2022 09:15

@marvellousmaple

I'm happy with how I raised my boys.

Are their partners?

Topgub · 29/10/2022 09:16

@Toomuchtrouble4me

So do girls.

Thereisnolight · 29/10/2022 10:07

MysteryBelle · 29/10/2022 05:00

You’re outraged over a casual remark from a teenager? I wonder if you are doing this because you already don’t like the teen boy’s mother, and that gave you ammunition to attack her. Badly done, op.

I see you watched Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow.

csigeek · 29/10/2022 10:36

I totally agree but I’m this day it’s all children.
the only place kids learn to take care of themselves is at home so if parents do everything for them they’re screwed.
Our generation and previous though, definitely was more of a boy thing. Boys went from being looked after by their mother to being looked after by their wife and genuinely see doing their fair share as “helping” and looking after their own children as “babysitting”. I have so many friends who are at the end of their tether with their husbands.
my husband lived alone for quite a few years before I met him so he came fully house trained! I take full advantage of that so I’m sat on the sofa with a coffee having a snuggle with our son while he’s in the kitchen cleaning 😆

DadBodAlready · 29/10/2022 15:46

Welcome to the woke generation. ....
the entitled,
the 'i can't be bothered', t
he 'you aren't allowed to have a different opinion'
... the cancel culture ....

Jennylove · 29/10/2022 17:29

Surely your job as a parent is to teach your kids to be an adult. So you do things for them until they are able to do them for themselves - otherwise what happens when they arrive fully formed into the world and have to start figuring it out on their own??

reigatecastle · 29/10/2022 17:50

How many married women do you know who expect their husbands to do all the domestic chores, child rearing and work whilst they spend hours down the pub/cycling/golfing/opting out of family life by being strategically incompetent

How many married women do you know who enable just that sort of behaviour? Not expect it, but enable it.

Nothing to do with mummy, that's down to the wife to be more assertive and tell her useless not so "D"H to do his share. Also, maybe not have more than one child with him once you've established he's useless with number one.

reigatecastle · 29/10/2022 17:53

marktayloruk · 28/10/2022 20:39

Whoever thinks chores need doing should do them. Can't say fairer than that !

Yes I'd agree with that!

BigWillyStyleandPrincessKate · 29/10/2022 18:20

reigatecastle · 29/10/2022 17:50

How many married women do you know who expect their husbands to do all the domestic chores, child rearing and work whilst they spend hours down the pub/cycling/golfing/opting out of family life by being strategically incompetent

How many married women do you know who enable just that sort of behaviour? Not expect it, but enable it.

Nothing to do with mummy, that's down to the wife to be more assertive and tell her useless not so "D"H to do his share. Also, maybe not have more than one child with him once you've established he's useless with number one.

So if your husband didn't keep you in line, you'd be useless and take advantage of him? Or just men that need this doing fo r them?

BlueBar · 29/10/2022 18:33

BigWillyStyleandPrincessKate · 29/10/2022 18:20

So if your husband didn't keep you in line, you'd be useless and take advantage of him? Or just men that need this doing fo r them?

Show quote history

I don't think it's as black and white as that, but if I had, for example, a partner who appeared to like organising the children or who had higher standards than me for cleaning or the family diet, I'd probably let them get on with it.

Unfortunately it hasn't worked like that for me. DH would always have done what, in his mind needed doing, but that was never going to include everyone's a day or brilliantly creative homework projects.

BlueBar · 29/10/2022 18:35
  • 5 a day
Onlyforcake · 29/10/2022 18:36

But if you're going THERE wtf weren't these teens sorting out their own transport? Why support their expectations of lifts here there and everywhere. There's no perfect way yo parent.

BaileySharp · 29/10/2022 18:40

YANBU they need to learn to look after themselves - their future partners will be grateful if they have learnt how to do this!

Agnsch79 · 29/10/2022 22:32

I do agree.I have done the same mistake with my sone and at 18 he doesn’t do much and I admit my mistake.So I am trying to fix it .Now I am treating my 10 years old son completely different and I don’t feel a gilt because I know that if I make him to do things around house I am actually helping him in long run.My 10 years old is more independent then my 18.And by the way it is true that there are sooooo many nasty teen girls out there .

marvellousmaple · 30/10/2022 04:11

Topgub · 29/10/2022 09:15

@marvellousmaple

I'm happy with how I raised my boys.

Are their partners?

Well yes. None are married yet but one lives with his gf and they are very happy. He does more cooking than her , and he is teaching her to drive as her parents refused too , otherwise I think they are about equal.

Topgub · 30/10/2022 09:27

@marvellousmaple

Hopefully it stays that way but as we all know things tend to go down hill once kids arrive

You've ingrained in them the same thing that was ingrained in you. That mums do it all.

That's what they'll expect their partners to do