Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

[iamjustwinginglife]

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

Mine is scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush as we speak.

I think the OP has a point.

How many posts are on here about overbearing MILs and how their sons don't defend the partner. So many times posters will tell the OP 'you've got a DH problem he needs to have your back' etc etc. you don't often get a post about an overbearing FIL do you?
There are rarely posts saying 'my wife doesn't help me around the house, my wife doesn't help with child care' etc. it's normally the men / boys.
Nearly all enmeshment posts on here are about the mothers and their sons.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen for girls. But it's not near as common (not including the fact girls can be treated like princesses and end up being spoilt brats.)

If a mum decides to treat her son on hand and foot and doesn't bring them up doing their bit around the house, especially if they're a full time SAHM, then the mothers do get more blame than the dads. The dads aren't really going to come home to their wives and be like 'let's make sure our son doesn't do any washing, let's practice gentle parenting and we won't ever raise our voice, and when they misbehave we reassure them that they're expressing their feelings'. It 9 times out of ten comes from the mothers.

Again, the above isn't exclusive. It can and does include fathers and daughters. But the term 'mummies boy' didn't come from nowhere.

I'll probs get flamed for this but it's my opinion, but I agree OP. But you mention anything like this it'll hit a nerve because of course you're being obtusely sexist even though you've clarified many times it's not just the mums

I’d like to think I’m raising my boys to just be decent humans, I’m not necessarily focused on making sure they become decent husbands for someone else. They are polite, hard working and respectful boys who know wrong from right. I think we all have a responsibility to ensure our children are capable of taking care of themselves and prepare them for adulthood, that’s obvious and stands for both sexes. But we will pick those boys up regardless of time from anywhere, my husband was severely beaten by a random group of boys on a night out when he was in his late teens and essentially left for dead. It does happen and for me absolutely not worth the risk for a lesson on independence.

Because mother wants to clean up after him, not dad.
It's true that usually its mothers who spoil their sons, hence we see so many mother in law threads, and sons not being able to create boundaries. How often we see a thread where father in law is commenting on parenting of daughter in law?

I agree and they can't be competent whilst waiting for A PARENT (let's face it, it's usually the mum!!) to wait on them and clean up after them.

@poseyroseyy Thank you! Nowhere do I say "all" but you'd think I'd made this post about all boys and all mums!

I also think the "some of you" is not a great thing to say! It's very accusatory and excludes your parenting, but of course that is probably perfect.

I enjoy looking after both my kids whilst they are in my home. That doesn’t mean they can’t look after themselves, my 18yr old son has gone to Uni and is home cooking every evening. He’s more than capable. I work full time and I do encourage my kids to cook, my DD prefers to cook her own meals. My DS was happy for me to cook for him and I had no problem doing that.

This. OP, you are not really making a brave stand for equality and against the patriarchy whilst you are laying the blame all at the feet of mothers.

But yes. The job of parents is to teach their children the skills they need, including domestic, to be independent and take care of themselves.

Mum of 3 grown up boys here. All had to tidy, hoover there bedrooms, polish shoes on a Sunday evening for school on a Monday, taught them how to iron & cook etc. they all take on 50% of chores now all of them are married with kids of their own… an essential life skill in my opinion.

Good point op

I do the majority of the household chores in my house but I expect everyone to tidy up after themselves and keep their own rooms tidy. It's not helpful for young people to do everything for them - my brother moved out at the age of 20 and the flat him and his friend lived in was gross. Yes, he was very lazy at home, no neither our mum or dad could be bothered to argue with him.

Well this has been fun!

I'm quite stunned that the parents, who will put themselves out to ensure their children get home safely, are in the minority-although it does reflect what I see in real life-those of us who will turn out to get our kids are in the minority it seems. Most are waxing on about how much they love their children but make sure they get home safely? Hell no!! 🤔

I'm not sure why the mum's of boys, who are raising their children to contribute to their homes, are so outraged. Surely I cover that in the title and first para

Likewise, the people in relationships where they've got an equal split of childcare, household chores etc-surely you know not all homes are like this ...well you must, unless this is the first MN post you've ever read

So I'll reiterate and clarify-yes of course the household responsibility and parenting should be equal between two parents (if there are two) and dads should present a good role model -but too often they don't and when mums actively encourage their children to do nothing then it's not helpful for anyone, in particular their own child.

...anyway, have a lovely day

Totally agree OP

I’m guilty of this. My eldest is 20.

I’ve done/do everything. But only because I did everything for myself, cooking, cleaning, everything from age 10 (one parent died, the other extremely mentally ill).

I was then totally alone from 16, having to work and pay rent and bills on top of looking after myself.

My life was hell, I never felt looked after or secure.

I am sure there is a happy medium, but my younger years fucked me up and I never wanted my children to experience even the tiniest part of that.

It’s funny, DMIL lives to cook and clean and tidy. It’s very hard not to revert to children and let her do everything when we stay with PIL. DH is especially bad for this. And I understand because it’s how it always has been. Meals presented at 7, 12 and 6, always with a pudding, MIL always clears up afterwards.

Despite this, DH is FAR more organised and house proud than me. And does far more than his fair share around the house. I’m not sure how it’s happened!

That definitely happened.

I think most mums of boys will be trying their best to raise 'decent' men. But how 'decent' boys turn out to eventually be, will be down to lots of different factors that mums have no, or very little control over, such as their sons' unique genetic make-up, influences outside of the home, including environmental and socio-political factors, as well as social media and peer groups. Who knows if this particular teenager you reference will turn out to be 'indecent', because his mum liked to do everything for him! I think to draw such a correlation is simplistic and annoying.

OP my friend has two teenage girls and does everything for them still and is shocked at how much my boys do , do it just depends on the mum not always the gender

@SuperCamp we don't have late buses - stop at 6 pm and no uber
Tax after 11 to go approx 2 miles is £15 so we give lifts occasionally but would do if boys or girls , now one of my boys can drive he gives us lifts too

I was about to say 'of children' too!
Happy to say my son started cooking meals at 13, learned to iron through CCF and did all his own and after doing KP at a café also thinks he knows best how to load the dishwasher. He lives on his own (19) and other than occasionally asking if he can wash X item with Y, is perfectly capable of looking after himself. However, should he live with a partner who is willing to do some of this, he won't put up a fight!
I did have to help him change a duvet cover recently though - a job I hate too...

You literally said your child, presumably a girl, thought that was a great idea, yet you bit your tongue. Maybe it's parents of all children including you who need to address this sort of attitude with their kids

Also im in my forties and a women but when I go to my parents they still like doing things for me ( mum & dad )

My 3year old (boy) helps around the house ok it's a bit limited but zero way I'm waiting on him hand and foot when hes 17! he helps with cooking, the washing and sets the table. He tries to hoover but it's a bit heavy for him!

What a stupid generalised goady statement … OP just wants to cause an argument 👏👏🙄🙄