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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

156 replies

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 00:41

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 00:44

Surely he does more of the bedtime (maybe take turns in story time). Can he take DC out one day a weekend so you can have downtime and then do things together on the other day

TheSnugglyDuckling · 27/10/2022 00:48

Be honest about needing your space. Sometimes I tell my DH I need alone time and he needs to take DC out to give me some space. It’s not ideal because he definitely doesn’t need alone time like I do but he understands it’s important to me.

Original poster
arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 00:57

@toomuchlaundry we take it in turns for bedtime with each child. He has had to step up as I've had work and social commitments at weekends in the last month. He needs downtime too, but he gets that from the WFH aspect and a long lunchtime at home. So it feels like I should make an effort to spend time with him, but in reality I just want to go to bed and sleep.

@TheSnugglyDuckling I think I need to be more direct about the need for space. I hold the mental load and am also caring for an elderly parent which takes up even more head space.

OP posts:
Original poster
arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 01:00

I think I also need to address the fact I'm up with the kids at 5,30am each day and he rolls out of bed 8.30 4 out of 7 days a week. That impacts on my energy levels and need for earl bedtime and his boredom being awake at night.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 01:09

Why are the kids up so early?

Vikinga · 27/10/2022 01:16

That's very early and why can't he get up with the kids some mornings and share the load?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2022 01:21

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 01:09

Why are the kids up so early?

On behalf of all parents with early wakers:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Whatever you're going to suggest, I tried it. DD was up at 4.30am for the day, every day, for two years. She still has to be told to stay in bed until 6am and she's 11. OP, get him to get up with them. Also, one weekend day he takes them out somewhere for at least two hours, alone. I ask DH to do that (and I do for him) and it's bliss.

Liorae · 27/10/2022 01:25

He needs downtime too, but he gets that from the WFH aspect and a long lunchtime at home.
While I do think he should step up more, you are deluded if you think working from home is downtime.

k1233 · 27/10/2022 02:21

If he's bored then he needs to do more around the house and with the kids to take some load off you. Sounds like he has more available time now, so makes sense he takes on more.

deeperthanallroses · 27/10/2022 02:36

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 01:00

I think I also need to address the fact I'm up with the kids at 5,30am each day and he rolls out of bed 8.30 4 out of 7 days a week. That impacts on my energy levels and need for earl bedtime and his boredom being awake at night.

Wow this seems easily fixed. ‘I can see you’re bored at night and would prefer me to stay up while I just want to get to bed. Next week you get up wiht the kids and that will help both you get to bed earlier and me have more energy.’

escapingthecity · 27/10/2022 02:45

If he's getting up at 8.30
Then he isn't doing breakfast or getting the kids ready for school is he? He's getting to act like he still has the high pressure job without pulling his weight at home. You would be less knackered and have more capacity to engage in the evenings if he he didn't have 3 hours more sleep than you most days.

sjxoxo · 27/10/2022 03:19

Agree with all the above that he needs to take more than 50% of your childcare responsibilities off you- he actually has more free time at home than you. He should and could be doing the lions share by what you’ve said here! X

green82 · 27/10/2022 03:30

How long is bedtime taking? Needing to alternate a child each seems to me you're probably spending a longtime on it, they're primary now and shouldn't need too much of a song and dance! I'm also sure a primary child can be told to go back to bed, 5.30 is still middle of the night! They're not toddlers, sorry if that sounds overly simplistic but my kids would be marched back to bed at that time. If not, then absolutely he needs to step up and it should not be you doing every morning. Tell him so!

What "entertainment" is he requiring? Can you not declare you're going for a bath or need an hour to read in your bedroom?

Ab87 · 27/10/2022 03:31

Yeah just ask him to do more of your tasks with the kids and at home and just be frank. You need to go to bed early because you're up at 5:30am! Good luck!

LieToMe · 27/10/2022 03:31

He should share the early mornings with you and do more at home if he’s working shorter days than you.

However, working at home isn’t downtime, he’s working. It’s also not unreasonable that he wants to spend time with you, if you want your relationship to last you have to spend time together, else what’s the point of you being together. Tell him that after a 12 hour day you just want to sleep. But you can find time at the weekend to spend time together.

It does come across like he’s in the way of your routine which is unfair. You need to communicate with him as it won’t improve.

whatkatydid2013 · 27/10/2022 03:33

If you have a 12 hour workday out of the home what would make sense if you can be flexible is that everyone gets up with the kids at 5:30 and he gets them ready and drops off at childcare while you go to work early and he also picks up and then when you come home you’ve both had a similar length day with your different responsibilities and you can take turns making dinners, doing bedtimes etc.
You have to divide the total responsibilities in a reasonable way and sounds like at the moment you are doing half or possibly more than half the home stuff as well as working more hours

Ivyonafence · 27/10/2022 03:35

Yeah he needs to do mornings with the kids. Rolling out of bed at 8:30 after you've been up for hours isn't ok. Especially now you're working harder to subsidise his lifestyle and free time.

It's funny how when women WFH they more than ever seem to end up doing the lionshare of chores and childcare ('it's just easier because they're there') but the same is never true for men.

OP make a spreadsheet, colour coded for work, childcare, chores, downtime. He has hours a day to himself for rest and relaxation, you sound like you have almost none. No wonder you don't want to spend them with him, I would be seething with resentment.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 04:20

Do you actually want to spend quality time with your DH?

it’s reasonable for him to do more domestic work and give you more free time.

but it doesn’t sound as if you actually want to spend any if that free time with him

NumberTheory · 27/10/2022 04:36

So before, he had a full on job with long hours and you had a full on job with somewhat fewer hours and you picked up all the slack and all the mental load. Now you have a full on job and he has a fairly walk in the park job with way fewer hours and while he’s doing more than he did, you are still doing more than half the childcare and still have all the mental load?

I know this isn’t just about the children. You’d probably want some alone time even if you didn’t have children. But I bet, if he took over that aspect completely, you’d find things looked entirely different. That mental load in particular will be sapping you and you’ll probably be much more up for doing things with him in the evening if the rest of life is taken care of for you. It seems like you might be beginning to realise this. I think you should suggest to him that now he has downgraded his job but you are still in the grind, it’s the perfect time for him to take over completely on the kids for a while. It doesn’t have to stay that way, but if he isn’t the main one responsible for thinking about everything they need for a while, it won’t fundamentally change.

Goldbar · 27/10/2022 05:06

The simple answer is for you to offload some of your present responsibilities onto him until you reach an equilibrium where you have more energy and he has less free time. That should resolve the issue.

Not you taking on the additional 'chore' of entertaining him after an already busy day spent working and seeing to everyone else.

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/10/2022 05:08

In a similar position here and totally get it. What I have done is book in time for me to be alone. This can range from a couple of hours at a weekend where I’m at home alone or go out for coffee / to the cinema to a weekend away by myself. I also book annual leave without telling anyone so I get a day to myself. If he is safely shut away in one room during the day then you have the rest of the house to potter in but I’d also suggest finding quiet places you can go outside of the home too - spa, libraries, galleries or failing that book a cheap room in a hotel and go and chill.

Blablablaaaaa · 27/10/2022 06:08

Start by splitting the early wakes. Tell him your shattered. He could do 5:30 Monday to Thursday and you could do Friday to Sunday.

go to bed if you need to go to bed. Tell him you’re shattered

Fajeeta · 27/10/2022 06:14

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 01:00

I think I also need to address the fact I'm up with the kids at 5,30am each day and he rolls out of bed 8.30 4 out of 7 days a week. That impacts on my energy levels and need for earl bedtime and his boredom being awake at night.

Yes you do. Definitely sort that out.

Blablablaaaaa · 27/10/2022 06:14

Make time for yourself. Yoga classes, spa morning, countryside walk alone, coffee in a cafe, a film alone in bed, an hour long bath, reading a book at bedtime and sleeping in till 8 while DH has kids. Indulge yourself and work on self care.

GnomeDePlume · 27/10/2022 06:17

Do you have access to some space where you could have hobby room? This could be a shed in the garden, an allotment, an office in the home.

More than anything it is a space where you can just be.

It doesn't matter what the hobby is. Over time (I am a fair bit older than you) I have been able to carve out a few such spaces for myself. It started with an allotment. DH wasn't interested so I would disappear off for a few hours leaving him home with DCs.