DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

[arachnophonia]

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

Planning courses, lectures and seminars, marking, moderating and assessment, meetings, writing papers for publication, meeting with students, tutorials, converting resources for online learning, being a slave to student satisfaction ratings, a gazillion other aspects of lecturing. Full time lecturing can easily take over your life, believe.

If your kids are primary school aged, you don't need to get up so early with them.

Need to talk this out. Don’t sit on your resentment, swallow down your emotions, it will make things worse.

Better to say what you mean in an imperfect way rather than wait til it’s perfectly formulated, he’s in the right mood, the wind’s in the right direction etc because it will never happen.

It’s time for a rebalancing. Fairplaylife on Instagram might give you some good ideas.

@arachnophonia "I do love him and he is funny, intelligent and I like spending time with him".

Are you in love with him op?

What you have written is unbelievable.

You are married to a very selfish man who shuts you down.

Of course he shuts you down.
He doesn't want you spelling out the fact that his sole concern is himself.

You are on a one way road to a breakdown, juggling all the balls whilst he continues to make the choices of a single man.

You have not chose well and you are sadly living with the choices.

He can't cope with his job, gives up.

Can't contribute much, happy with that.

Likes his sleep, gets up hours after you.

Can't cope with his child, leaves it to you.

Knows you have an elderly parent to juggle too, looks the other way.

Knows your job is crazy and long, looks the other way.

Wants to engage with you more because he is bored, even though he knows you are wrecked......not his problem.

Knows you carry the mental load, looks the other way.

Does a bit more, just a bit, not really sharing as much as he could .

He's a selfish man who is not the least bit concerned about you running yourself into the ground.

He has set himself up very very nicely.......with you his workhorse🤷🏻‍♀️

You on the other hand are being used and will end up broken.

Any inheritance coming you way in the future?

Do NOT put it into the joint account.

You need to have a long hard look at him.

He's no prize.

Lazy selfish men who are all about suiting themselves and doing the minimum are the worst to end up with.

Protect your health because once it's gone, its gone.

The only person who can change this situation is YOU.

@billy1966 👏 👏 👏 exactly.

When DH worked from home I made sure he was in charge of all the washing
he put a load on when he got up and hung it out at lunch time
I also sent him a list of things from the shops as he often had meeting etc passing shops

Im not sure why you both do bed times - this clearly needs to change - we sat on the landing to read a story to all 3 with no issues.

Early risers - we had this too and would say they could get up and put the tv on and we’d get up a bit later - they were quite ok with that having sensible kids. I remember doing it as a child!

I think some of this you can change and some he needs to do, but you need to stop facilitating some of it.

I think you need to condense down what you've said to us and tease out exactly what your goals are here, and then work with DH to achieve them.

You need more alone time. You need more relaxing/recharging time. Maybe something about you and him having leisure and energy to talk to each other at the same time of day. These are completely reasonable things to want, and you running yourself ragged round everyone else is not being valued and not making anyone happier.

With the kids at 5 and 8, it is realistic to expect them to stay in bed until 6.30, or 7 if that works better for you. Does DH get up at 5.30 on the days he does them? What can you change about the morning routine to ease things up? Do they get their own breakfast, get themselves dressed etc etc?

Similarly with bedtime I would suggest going to a system of 1 parent doing both children. If they want separate stories then one can read to themselves for 15 mins while the other is read with. They still get one to one time. That then frees up the other parent for some downtime downstairs. Or maybe you become specialists - one of you does mornings, the other does bedtimes. I used to do a lot of child wrangling, taking them to clubs etc so DH was our bedtime expert.

I think anyone would be overwhelmed and cross in your position, and you and DH need to plan a radical shake up together. The MN trope of equal time off is a good starting point, and it is completely reasonable for you to want time off alone.

I do think you’re a wee bit jealous/resentful that he’s made this change and so your view is coloured.

Him working less hours can only be a good thing.

You get to spend more time with your husband who it sounds like you barely saw!

As the one WFH and working less hours, it is up to him to do most of the childcare, housework, cooking etc.

This should make you life much easier and give you much more free time too.

I need time to myself too and you have the opportunity to do that kid free now.

You can start going to the gym or on runs with your headphones in or have a routine where you go upstairs early have a relaxing bath and then lie in bed and watch a movie or read.

If your kids are primary school aged, you don't need to get up so early with them.

I agree.

Unless you’re getting up for work and they happen to wake up too then there’s no reason why they can’t stay asleep in bed or wake up and entertain themselves.

Then DH can wake up and get them ready for school.

The op gets up at 5.30 the days she works as she leaves 6.20 or similar

Yes - this absolutely

The op gets up at 5.30 the days she works as she leaves 6.20 or similar

Thank you.

So OP if you’re not getting up for the kids at 5:30 then this isn’t something you should feel resentful about.

You’re annoyed because you have to get up whilst it’s still dark and do the commute before a long day. Whilst he gets to lie in in a nice warm bed and ‘stay in his pjs’ all day.

I don’t blame you for being jealous but you need to focus on the positives.

It sounds like he has worked very hard over the years and provided the majority of the household income. Now it’s your turn.

Life should be much easier now one of you is working less but If you are struggling then perhaps you could look at changing your job or hours too.

@CarefreeMe reread the op posts she has been the major bread winner most of their relationship so she has always been doing the bulk of

Earning
Child rearing
Household duties

He has now stepped back to earn less and spend less time working but only marginally step up more to do school run and dinner 3 days per week.

It's all about honesty and balance.

My DH works from home but I don't.

At the weekends therefore he's desperate to get out of the house, whereas I just want some time at home.

Thankfully he has a hobby that allows us both a bit of what we need.

At the moment, it doesn't sound like you've benefited from the changes in his lifestyle, in fact it's made yours worse.

You need to explain to him that while you're pleased that he's so much less stressful and happier, you need him to meet you half way on some things.

He doesn't get to have all of these extra hours to himself - he needs to help balancing things better as a family, so sharing the early mornings, etc.

Tell him how much you valued that bit of "me" time you used to have when he wasn't around - my DH understood as he saw the value in the "me" time he was now getting.

You then need to carve that back out for yourself, even if it's just taking yourself off to a separate room in peace to have a bath, read a book, scroll through your phone with a cuppa or a glass of wine.

Talk to him - if he doesn't understand or doesn't want to help, then he's a dick!

Again I appreciate all your answers.

Again some more info. This set up has only been for 6 months. Prior to this I was working 3 days ( long days) and have recently added extra hours to make me almost FT. The situation with my mum is also only the last few months. So I've increased my responsibilities as he has dropped his which has amplified the situation.

We Now have a cleaner which has helped with reducing the load.

Fair point about the children. The 5yo gets up early and is in bed by 8pm, the 8yo is awake until about 9.30 and sleeps in until 7 or 8am. Perhaps I can train the 5yo to get breakfast.

I agree we could have 1 person doing bedtime but that is the time we spend with the kids individually- doing drawing/ reading and games. The 8yo will by themselves until they are ready for bed.

Regarding money and mention of inheritance- he used his inheritance for work on our house. He's generous with money but lacks insight. So he would have been happy for me to become a sahp after children but without realistically considering the costs.

The thing is... if he was sharing the load equally with you, he'd be just as exhausted as you are and there wouldn't be this need to 'entertain' him like he is a small child. It's a bit like men who don't pull their weight complaining that their partners would rather go to sleep than have sex with them. He's living his ideal life, apart from that he thinks he deserves more attention from a loving partner. By contrast, you're in survival mode, busy 'adulting' and putting one foot in front of the other to get through the week and meet all your responsibilities. That he finishes the day with lots of energy still and wanting your attention like another child would piss me off. I'd honestly be tempted to tell him "Mummy has had a long day and wants some quiet time to herself now, so either be quiet or go play somewhere else" like I say to my 4yo.

As a previous poster said, we have been so busy in the baby years without any family help and used to surviving. Now the dynamic has changed we need to properly talk and divide things fairly.
I had tried this but often these sorts of conversations don't go anywhere and he is passive.

So he does pick ups and drop off and makes dinner on 3 days. He also helps with story time and bed time. And yet you are complaining? Sounds like you dont like spending time with him. And you sound resentful of him being in his own home. The poor bloke cannot do anything right. Stop saying WFH is a luxury. and that he is just swanning around doing fuck all. Maybe look at yourself OP. whats bothering you, really.

He has now stepped back to earn less and spend less time working but only marginally step up more to do school run and dinner 3 days per week.

This is the biggest issue.

The person who works the least and who is at home more needs to do the majority of the household stuff and childcare on the weekdays and spilt equally on the weekends/days off.

She’s on 12 hour days and he’s not - she’s always done the financial heavy lifting - that poooooor man eh? And it’s not good he unilaterally decided to downscale his job, expecting OP to pick up the slack, not good at all.

ginghamstarfish · Today 08:55

He needs to be doing at least half of the childcare/household stuff given you are working full time AND commuting. Must confess I am puzzled at the description of a lecturer 'working all hours' ...

Planning courses, lectures and seminars, marking, moderating and assessment, meetings, writing papers for publication, meeting with students, tutorials, converting resources for online learning, being a slave to student satisfaction ratings, a gazillion other aspects of lecturing. Full time lecturing can easily take over your life, believe.

@Elsanore This! I completely agree the life of a lecturer does not appeal at all. He struggled with the ever increasing demands of students, marking and jumping through student satisfaction survey hoops.

If he wfh he can put washing on or empty dishwasher in lunch hr, thats what I do just 5/10 mins if my lunchbreak
Also share kids in morning , alternate whose day it is to get up and get them ready, if you leave at 6.20 do you drop them off or are they home as if so how is he in bed until 8.30 pm
As you commute and do longer hrs , he needs to pick up a bit more of chores/ kids than you do
And on weekend can you have alternate lie ins so you both get a bit of a rest and maybe take kids out for hr so again you both get a bit of me time

we alternate day weekend lie in.

Why?? he sleeps til 8.30 every way. that IS a lie in.

@Orangello thats what i thought but then OP said she leaves at 6.20 and he does school run a few times a week so surely he can't sleep in unfil 8.30 then