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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

156 replies

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 00:41

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

OP posts:
SaintVitasShagulaitas · 27/10/2022 11:48

Go for a drink with your colleagues/a friend after work and let your husband do story time.

Oblomov22 · 27/10/2022 11:58

Do you do any sport or exercise. do you meet other friends for a drink and a curry. do you lie in a bubble bath. do you slob about on watch shit on TV.
Where's all the you time?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/10/2022 12:50

You need to shorten the kids bedtime routine, it should not be taking an hour to get them to bed!

8PM, tell the kids to get changed and brush teeth etc. Go up, read them a story together, kiss goodnight and tuck them in. Job done. You can be downstairs again by 8.30pm at the latest.

In fact I'd move their bedtime earlier, say 7.30pm so in bed by 8PM.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 27/10/2022 17:50

Orangello · 27/10/2022 11:12

we alternate day weekend lie in.

Why?? he sleeps til 8.30 every way. that IS a lie in.

Yeah - I'm retired now and I'm up by then.

BornBlonde · 27/10/2022 21:11

I think your resentment and frustration will only grow without things changing and quickly.

Have you thought about relationship counselling?

deeperthanallroses · 27/10/2022 21:42

My 7yo sounds like your 8yo re bedtimes. You can’t fix it, it’s who they are.

WhiteCatmas · 28/10/2022 08:39

It sounds like he is making a contribution, school drop offs and collections, making dinner etc.
I think you have to accept that some chaos is going to come with primary school ages children. More free time is coming, I promise you.

Why don’t you get your DH to spend some of his awake time planning quality time for you all as a family at the weekends? That would be both useful and interesting and you could go to bed.

It sounds like the root cause is that he’s made a move to a better work quality of life and you would like to do something similar.
Maybe you could too?

Spaceshiphaslanded · 28/10/2022 18:15

OP - you need a hobby x

cherish123 · 28/10/2022 18:29

I put YANBU but you probably are!

It's great for him and gives him wirk/life balance but I understand how you feel. I am always last home and find this quite stressful. It's part of the reason I work pt.

Unseelie · 28/10/2022 18:30

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 01:09

Why are the kids up so early?

🤣🤣🤣 @toomuchlaundry I am sure that if you think about it really, really hard, you’ll eventually figure out the answer to this.

But it case you really can’t work out the answer…

Because they woke up. Some children wake earlier than others, even if their parent has the perfect bedtime routine and has tried earlier bedtimes, later bedtimes, the lot.

Some children wake at 5am every day and that’s just how it is. If yours didn’t, be grateful for your luck.

Unseelie · 28/10/2022 18:34

OP it’s a fact that having a partner suddenly working at home changes the marriage and often not in a good way. We have struggled with this, but I have no answer for you. What is clear from your post though is that he’s not doing enough childcare now that you’re the breadwinner.

You may have to just be blunt and say “ look when I come in from work I need some time alone.”

It’s great that he’s around weekends now though!

Long term, he probably needs to get a regular hobby, or perhaps take the kids to one. Eg Saturday morning rugyb/football/swim. This will help you get alone time but you can sell it to him as bonding time / wonderful childhood memories

Grammarnut · 28/10/2022 18:35

What would be sensible is to tell the DCs to go back to bed. 5.30 is the middle of the night. Everyone get up at seven - a reasonable hour.

toomuchlaundry · 28/10/2022 18:40

DS would sometimes shout out is at breakfast time at 5am, we would shout back no! If he woke early he stayed in his room until a reasonable hour. Yes maybe we were lucky, although he had always been more of an owl than a lark, but same rule applied, once in bed stay in bed

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 18:49

Grammarnut · 28/10/2022 18:35

What would be sensible is to tell the DCs to go back to bed. 5.30 is the middle of the night. Everyone get up at seven - a reasonable hour.

One of mine did this briefly and we were on our knees after only a few weeks.

I was advised to say no to a few outings because mummy was too tired from getting up so early.
But if he stayed in bed until 8am we would be able to do X.
Worked like a dream for my 5 year old.

Might be worth trying.

Its an ungodly hour IMO.

MylittleLovebug · 28/10/2022 19:02

Am I misunderstanding but he does the school run three days a week and one at weekend, so 4 days a week he is up and sorting the children and 3 days you are. He still works full time but from home. Plus he does school pick up 3 days a week and you have a cleaner. Plus you both do bedtime but with one child each. Not sure apart from your commute how this is uneven? If you're annoyed you earn more then that is different but the children seem even split

Lily4444 · 28/10/2022 19:20

To me the work load between you two seems unbalanced - why are you waking up at 5.30 with the kids and doing the bedtime routine? I’d ask him to do every other day so you can atleast get some rest.

I also think you’ll have to be direct and tell him you need some time to yourself - suggest he goes out with a friend/sports club once a week

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/10/2022 19:25

If you’re getting up with them, he should be putting them to bed.

Mollymoostoo · 28/10/2022 19:52

Following. I have the same issue. Mine never went back after covid. His day ends at 5pm and he puts his feet up. On my day off (I'm a teacher) I have done 2 x school runs, swimming and school disco. Currently sitting in car outside said disco. 🙃

Justbefair · 28/10/2022 20:10

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 01:00

I think I also need to address the fact I'm up with the kids at 5,30am each day and he rolls out of bed 8.30 4 out of 7 days a week. That impacts on my energy levels and need for earl bedtime and his boredom being awake at night.

Well this needs to change! X

Hmm1234 · 28/10/2022 20:14

Omg! Sounds like you’d rather be single and not have him in the house!? Can you hear yourself. Classic mid life crisis, partner feeling rejected and going on to have an affair.
what is wrong with some women have it all and it’s still not enough

SafelySoftly · 28/10/2022 20:15

You need to be putting the kids to bed much more earlier. There’s no excuse if he’s home and ready to help at 5pm. Lights out by 7/7.15. No wonder it takes so long to wind them down they’re almost certainly overtired. That then frees up your evenings.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/10/2022 20:19

I think you need to put them to bed earlier too.

If they don’t settle until 9 and are up at 5:30 that’s not much sleep for their ages. They could be overtired.

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 20:24

Mollymoostoo · 28/10/2022 19:52

Following. I have the same issue. Mine never went back after covid. His day ends at 5pm and he puts his feet up. On my day off (I'm a teacher) I have done 2 x school runs, swimming and school disco. Currently sitting in car outside said disco. 🙃

When I have been asked how we survived rearing our children without killing each other, I answer, ..........mostly because no one sat down, until we both sat down.

It wasn't always exactly 50/50 but we tried.

He would no more not respond to me being dead on my feet than I have would ignore it in him.

We had each others backs when we were in the trenches of child rearing!

That's really been the heart of our marriage even though like most couples we might have gotten on each others wick at times.

Downing tools at 5pm and leaving you to it, is absolutely selfish and unacceptable.

It is really not good that you are accepting this.

CelestiaNoctis · 28/10/2022 20:35

Sounds like you enjoyed being essentially single and now he's actually around you've figured that out. You don't actually have to be around him you know, you could just be happy by yourself and split up.

Original poster
arachnophonia · 28/10/2022 20:56

Thanks again for different perspectives.
I've had a few days to process all of this ( and more sleep) and feel better. I was feeling particularly tired/irritated when I posted this.

We had a nice evening yesterday, chatted and watched something we both wanted to watch. It was very normal for us and relaxed.

He has chosen to walk away from a career he has invested time and money in and we priotised over mine as he had more earning potential. His new job is less stressful, WFH and allows him time in the day to relax. He has stepped up the amount of school runs etc he does. There is no guarantee he will stick with this new job or walk away after he starts to gain more responsibilities ( as has happened 3 times) We need to talk about the resentment I'm holding about this.

My job is long hours out of the house and stressful. It's also a huge privilege to work in it, its my dream job and my career is taking off again after having babies. I've spend almost 2 decades to get to this point. I'm a much safer bet work wise than he is.
I need to give up the notion his job is more important and priotise my own and ask him to take on more of the mental load - thats the benefit for me of him taking on an easier role. Taking on more responsibility of an elderly parent has tipped me over my capacity to deal with this all.

It has opened my eyes to the differences of opinion from LTB to what more do you want from the man? Gotta love mumsnet!

OP posts: