DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

[arachnophonia]

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

@PorridgewithQuark
errr? Read my post again. I never suggested she didn't do a bed time routine. I do believe one is good. But a quick read and a cuddle. If they want to chat about a problem, ok, but that shouldn't be the norm. Instead encourage them to verbalise these things earlier in the day, from school pick up time to 7pm.

So you’ve been the breadwinner for most of the relationship AND you’ve got the majority of the domestic load?
What do you get out of this relationship? Your DH has a cushy little number here, sorry to be blunt.

If you leave the house at 6.20am and he doesn't get up until 8.30am - who is looking after the children? presumably, nominally him, even if they are just sat in front of the TV? If the DC are old enough to sort themselves and be no bother, there is no great merit in insisting he gets up early "just because".

So your 5yo goes to bed at 9 and then is up at 5.30?

@Crunchymum those are the days he gets up. I'm up on my WFH days and we alternate day weekend lie in.

Have you said to him "you seem to have a lot more free time now but I feel like I'm still really busy. What can we do to balance things out?"

@arachnophonia What does he contribute to the relationship/family at the moment?

It sounds like you're doing more than your share. I don't think that means he's a dick and you should LTB, over the course of a good marriage there will be times when you're the lifter and times when you're the leaner. It's a question of whether this career change for him has tipped the balance too far.

Controversial opinion but I do think if someone is working less and contributing less financially, then they need to put in more in other ways. Especially when there is such a significant difference in the amount of spare time.

OP now has more pressure as the breadwinner- DH should be relieving some of the caregiving pressure, or the household pressure to make it fair and to ensure that his career shift benefits the whole family- not just him.

OP works full time. She probably gets in for dinner and then it's straight into bedtime routine. And, if her children are like most at this age, trying to hold sensible conversations when she's just got in and everyone is tired is not the best possible time and will probably result in everyone getting frazzled.

I'm totally with you OP - we used to have long bedtime routines as they were more relaxed and it was a good time of day to have a chat. If you'd not called it a bedtime routine and instead called it "spending time with your children before they went to bed" people wouldn't have jumped on you so much.
If OP turns this into a "quick read and a cuddle" this means she will scarcely see her children all day. Totally agree that spending time with them should be prioritised.

You need to talk to him. Keep communication going. Tell him how stressed you are, and what you need (quiet time, him to take on more of the load).

You too are resentful of him an d I'm not surprised tbh

Seems incredibly unfair.

You are up every day regardless of whether you WFH or not as you have to go out to work.

Those more junior level IT roles are often a complete doddle. You'll find many over in the reddit subreddits bragging about how little work they actually do. Some as little as 5 actual hours a week.

Your WFH days you still don't get a lie in. He does. Your WFH days, you still have to work plus you do everything else as you are there. And he thinks he deserves an additional lie in day on the weekend.

Who is doing the cleaning, laundry, shopping, admin work, etc.?

Are the kids not exhausted only sleeping 9-5.30? That's seems a small amount especially for a 5 year old.

Oh god yes. I know what you mean. Before the whole wfh thing I had no idea how much I needed time alone. I actually go in 3 days a week just to have alone time on my commute.

Do you think he wants to spend time with you because work is a social construct and he doesn't have that aspect any more?

He needs to pull his weight in the mornings and if he clocks off at 5pm, I assume he starts dinner and hangs a load of laundry.

When DH worked all hours and DC were tiny and I did everything at home we had one golden rule. He did Satirday mornings, breakfast, park, etc, home for lunch. I had a lie in and a loaf. I did Sunday mornings, took them to church, got home at lunch time.

Keep adjusting. Take a good few months to try out new routines. His work life improving is a good step towards improving your marriage, just takes some mental focus to fight the opportunity for resentment to poison it.

I agree with pp that you are currently very stressed and carrying a lot which can now be redistributed to DH. The mornings being the big one!

You might find yourself ultimately looking to change jobs/career also to get even more headspace. E.g. put in a flexible working request, go down to a 4 day week, change to a lower stress industry etc. This would be a longer term change of course.

If he is WFH then surely he can entertain the DC from 5.30am. You get up a bit later, get yourself ready. DH gets DC dressed. You then take DC in the car as normal.

DH could also use his nice WFH lunchtime to stick something in the slow cooker. Batch cooking in the week means less cooking at the weekend, again freeing up your time.

This is just 2 ideas I had reading your updates. You can try a few things and see how you get on. Depends on what you want to free up and which chores you each prefer doing.

The important thing is you will see things differently over time as you gradually reduce your stress levels and the routines shift.

Split the early wakes and distribute the domestic stuff better - why the hell is he lying in until 8.30???
You should have equal leisure time - can you
do something like join a gym?
Maybe one near your office then go straight after work?

What time do you get home OP?

As sheepdog said: if op had started a thread saying : 'I have a full-time job and don't get home to see my kids till 7 pm'. Then she would have received different responses.

She says her dc are 5 & 8. She doesn't say what time the bedroom bedtime routine starts. What time does it start OP? but she does say that sometimes it goes on till 9 pm. I'm sorry but that's far too late for such young children.

How many days are you commuting. And how many days WFH? Does Dh do all school drop offs and pick ups? Or do you do that too on your WFH days?

I think the WFH is a red herring in this one.

You've both been so busy and your kids were smaller so you've got in the habit of doing things a certain way but lots has changed and yet you are still in the same ruts.

Sit down together as a family (or together then with the kids) and work out what is changing.
The 5.30 waking is ludicrous. Fine, they might wake up at that time but they say in their rooms til 7. Make sure they have some water and a book, colouring, quiet activity -and a clock - but it's 's peaceful time til 7. Bribe them by earning a small amount towards a little treat for every day they manage for the first week or so if necessary.

Work out which jobs your husband can timetable in. I work from home some days. It gives me more time in morning so I set washing on timer night before and peg it out before I start.
But approach this from what fits in around work (if he gets up at a more reasonable time) not 'you are home all day ' as I'd imagine his time is all logged

I'm not surprised you resent him. He seems to be like an extra child - you're the main breadwinner, he gets to leave his job and retrain without you being happy about it, which affects your life, and he's not pulling his weight. You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel, say what you need him to do.

This is completely unreasonable! He needs to take half of the early get ups, minimum. Even if you are awake that early anyway, he can take child duties on half of the mornings and you can have a cup of tea in bed, a longer shower and time to get ready etc on the mornings he does the kids.

I agree with down and work out a new routine. If he is wfh every day with an actual lunch break then surely he has time to pick up more of the slack. Make sure you hand over responsibility for some of the mental load stuff. There is also nothing wrong with saying 'I'm off to read a book / bath / walk / other hobby' when you need it

9pm bedtime for the children is too late

Your DH needs to be up earlier in the mornings

You need atleast one day to catch up on more sleep

You need more time alone

He needs to be doing at least half of the childcare/household stuff given you are working full time AND commuting. Must confess I am puzzled at the description of a lecturer 'working all hours' ...

I'm not surprised he is happy with his choice! He has given up a well paid career for an easier life, and is feeling the benefit of that. Which would be fine, except you are still dealing with the same level of stress and demands you had before, but with the added pressure of being the main breadwinner, which was not your choice. Does he ever thank you for enabling this change in his situation? Does he ever acknowledge the impact of his decision on your family finances, or the extra pressure on you? He should be doing everything possible to ensure this new arrangement is beneficial for you too, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. In your shoes I would struggle not to feel resentful and taken for granted. It must be hard coming home from a stressful 12 hour day on the NHS frontline knowing he has had a lie in, a leisurely lunch with a walk and is still content to leave much of the domestic and mental load to you. You need to clear the air.