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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

156 replies

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 00:41

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/10/2022 01:13

I have no advice but I get it - totally and with bells on. I’ve had my routine for years. I work part time - only mornings. DH has moved from a 6 day to a 3 day week - semi retired at 55. Now he drives me mad. On the days he’s home he makes me feel guilty when I go out, he constantly calls me for a chat about nothing, asks where I am, when I’ll be home. He’s so bored he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I’ve now taken to lying that I have to take mum somewhere, have a pedicure, go in to work - whatever, just to get away from him being so bloody needy! He’s always been the strong, independent workaholic breadwinner and I hate the change.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/10/2022 01:15

billy1966 · 27/10/2022 09:28

What you have written is unbelievable.

You are married to a very selfish man who shuts you down.

Of course he shuts you down.
He doesn't want you spelling out the fact that his sole concern is himself.

You are on a one way road to a breakdown, juggling all the balls whilst he continues to make the choices of a single man.

You have not chose well and you are sadly living with the choices.

He can't cope with his job, gives up.

Can't contribute much, happy with that.

Likes his sleep, gets up hours after you.

Can't cope with his child, leaves it to you.

Knows you have an elderly parent to juggle too, looks the other way.

Knows your job is crazy and long, looks the other way.

Wants to engage with you more because he is bored, even though he knows you are wrecked......not his problem.

Knows you carry the mental load, looks the other way.

Does a bit more, just a bit, not really sharing as much as he could .

He's a selfish man who is not the least bit concerned about you running yourself into the ground.

He has set himself up very very nicely.......with you his workhorse🤷🏻‍♀️

You on the other hand are being used and will end up broken.

Any inheritance coming you way in the future?

Do NOT put it into the joint account.

You need to have a long hard look at him.

He's no prize.

Lazy selfish men who are all about suiting themselves and doing the minimum are the worst to end up with.

Protect your health because once it's gone, its gone.

The only person who can change this situation is YOU.

Bloody hell, that’s a bit strong! How did you get all that from op’s innocent posts that the dynamic has changed. Far too much judgement in little actual knowledge here.

rookiemere · 29/10/2022 07:45

Surely he needs to do some of the early morning wakings, of course if you're up at 5.30 am then a full days work you'll not have any energy at the end of it. Tell him he needs to do 3 days a week of those.

With your DM - can he do any of the support? Sometimes with my DPs I get DH to phone them when I haven't got anything left to give ( to be fair it's mostly emotional support they want).

AmberMcAmber · 29/10/2022 10:50

I think an honest conversation where you explain what you have done to support his career change and what you need him to do to support you now.

him being around more gives you the opportunity to do something alone - he just needs to know he’s the main parent for that time so you can start a hobby / do something alone to wind down

regarding the chat about his workday I think steer the convo elsewhere until you find neutral ground… he might be oblivious or he might be trying to reconnect with you in a way he couldn’t when he worked all hours

deffo don’t carry suppressing your feelings, just try to still consider his as you express yours more (it’s not an on/off tap it’s dual flow that used to have it’s own rhythm & since he’s wfh needs to rebalance)

NGL minus the specifics here, I’m finding myself in a similar situation so I’m trying the above

ProseccoOnSafari · 29/10/2022 14:30

Hell no! He needs to get his ass out of bed at 5:30 to help out with the kids and take on the responsibility of bedtime too! If he is contributing less financially out of choice, he needs to make up for that by picking up the chores and caring for the kids.

sheepdogdelight · 29/10/2022 16:22

ProseccoOnSafari · 29/10/2022 14:30

Hell no! He needs to get his ass out of bed at 5:30 to help out with the kids and take on the responsibility of bedtime too! If he is contributing less financially out of choice, he needs to make up for that by picking up the chores and caring for the kids.

If you RTFT you will see that OP gets out of bed at 5.30 to allow her to get to work on time and that DH does look after the children in the morning 3 times a week and is involved with all the bedtimes (they take 1 child each).

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