DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

[arachnophonia]

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

He's getting 15 hours a week of time alone if he's sleeping in while you're up with the kids Monday to Friday. It's up to him if he chooses to use that time to sleep but ultimately that's time you don't get to choose what you do but he does. If you add on 5 x hour long lunches a week he's already 20 hours a week ahead of you in time spent doing his own thing rather than house/work/child responsibilities. That's a massive disparity to come back from.

I would re-jig the early mornings if I were you and either get some more sleep so you're more present in the evenings or use it for something like going to the gym or for a swim or even just lying in & reading a book so you feel you've had some time to yourself.

As someone who went from full time office work to wfh 90% of the time, I have a little sympathy with his needing company. I have been missing adult conversations and company myself and often talk at my DH in the evenings as I’ve been so quiet and lonely. I’m also trying other things - working from cafes and shared work spaces.

I have early wakers. No matter what time they go to bed they are up. If you find the solution please post! My current tactic is they have to stay in room until 6 then they can go down for help yourself breakfast (pastry, yoghurt, fruit). DH does need to share these wakings with you though.

Why is he having a lie in every day while you get up with the kids?

Hearing you about the elderly parent- that can tip the load until it breaks. Is that temporary or a permanent change? Is it likely to get worse?

Can you take a morning off and him too, when the kids are at school? Go out for a stroll and a coffee together and thrash this out. You're so exhausted and stressed it's getting difficult to see the wood for the trees - have the discussion at a reasonable time of day.

Are you feeling the stress of being the breadwinner? I hear that too. Also that you may have to let go of things that you used to see as crucially important. I don't know what they might be. This has been a big change for both of you.

I think I also need to address the fact I'm up with the kids at 5,30am each day and he rolls out of bed 8.30 4 out of 7 days a week

Well, sort that out for a start.

All these things you need to talk to him about. Why haven't you?

How old are the kids. Why are they getting up at 5.30am. Why are you? If they get up early, they can read, or creep down and watch tv. No mooed for you to get up. And you go to bed earlier too.

Plus all this long reading and then telling telling you about your day at bedtime is not necessary either. Any school reading gets done after snack, as soon as they come home from school. Any chatting and spending time with them gets done then aswell, or you all discuss your day round the dinner table. you don't need to leave it till last thing at night. That's not sensible. Part of the bedtime routine you do a few pages of a book and then lights off or if they're really keen on reading they can read for another few minutes on their own. I don't know why you're making the whole bedtime routine so long and drawn out. Easily fixed.

He's not daft! Getting to lie in whilst you do the morning drudgery....

Eh no.

He can get up too and share the load at 5.30am.

All good advice above. I'm just coming on to add that I get it. It sounds like you like doing things with your kids etc and the dynamic is different when DH is there. I have the same. I love DH but he does make things more faffy and although it is not deliberate things are a bit calmer without him around. I'd like a bit more time with just the kids but he is generally here

Why on Earth are you getting up 7 days a week - that has to stop NOW!

Every other day, or if that's too disruptive, you do a week on and a week off, that way you both get a lie in during the week, and more importantly on the weekend

This is nonsense.

A lot of children need the 1:1 at bedtime throughout primary and early secondary. It doesn't necessarily have to be every night, but every other night. It's often the only time big (to the child) issues, worries and problems are revealed and can be nipped in the bud by simply being heard, a bit of advice, a cuddle, or making some small changes.

Cutting this out can leave things to fester out of proportion. Talks around the dinner table are great but children do not reveal the same worries with their siblings and both parents over a meal as 1:1 after a story.

The 1:1 time most days can really stop problems growing out of proportion.

My DH went from working all hours to not and he picked up his fair share; he gets up with the kids so that I get to sleep 30 minutes more in the morning which is lovely with early rising kids. He’s also taken the cooking back on as his job. I also find it hard not having any time to myself now and once or twice a week I’ll spend a couple of hours watching my own tv shows in our bedroom

i think I also need to address the fact I'm up with the kids at 5,30am each day and he rolls out of bed 8.30 4 out of 7 days a week. That impacts on my energy levels and need for earl bedtime and his boredom being awake at night.

You both work, he neds to share the load here. Why can’t he get up some mornings at 5.30 some mornings?

Thanks all for offering a different perspective. To clear up a few questions:

The kids have always been early wakers. I have to be up and out the house on a work day for 6.20am anyway though. I agree the early morning/ long days are contributing.

Bedtime with kids is also a factor. We quite often don't finish until 9pm. It's the time we get to read with them, hear about their day. They do play together before bedtime

I WFH 1 of the days I work and personally to me that is downtime due to lack of commute/ finding parking/ whirlwind of a day. I work in a frontline NHS job. I rarely leave in time and my head is often spinning! It's a much easier day bit I appreciate it would not feel like that permanently WFH. He takes an hour lunch and goes for a walk.

He has definitely stepped up what he is doing - he does 3 morning school runs when I'm at work and collects from after school club those days too. He makes dinner those days. The days I am wfh I do everything and any after school activities.

How much sleep do your children get and how old are they?

So you're the breadwinner, commuting, working long hours and still doing all the mornings and everything on your WFH days?
Just imagine if the roles were reversed and you had his job, would he do your current role? No, I didn't think so either.
Cutting out your getting ready, commute, parking etc is really a massive thing. If he has now taken a step back in his career, he should be able to take some of the domestic load off your shoulders as well. First he needs to start doing mornings so you can get ready and go to work.

I can really identify with this.

Before March 2020, which feels like another life in many ways, DH worked away a lot. He would sometimes work from home but this would be interspersed with working in different parts of the country (and other countries a few times a year) and the office. Life was varied and suited us.

WFH made DH lazy. Like yours, he lies in bed until 8am, he magically finds the time during the day to do things pertaining to him but can’t put the washing in the tumble drier or empty the dishwasher.

But more to the point, having him there all the time was draining and too intense. I was on maternity leave from November 2020 to September the following year and the last two months of my maternity leave were spent wanting to kill him.

The problem with WFH roles is that they suit the individual working from home. They generally do not suit others living in that home.

DH is now mostly back to pre pandemic work although still at home more than he used to be. It’s far preferable to the old days of 24/7 DH.

It does stand out that you seem to actively not want to spend time with him. I agree you need to address domestic balance of work and care but also sounds worth exploring. Is this built up resentment, or do you actually not enjoy his company anymore? I have a full on job too, but sounds like you are letting work and kids eat you alive. You don’t sound like a team at all?

My DH doesnt take hints OP - He's a lovely bloke but the just doesnt have to hold the 'life and kids admin' in his head. We r ok as long as I tell him what he needs to do- just tell him needs to be up on x,y,a day. Expecting them to notice just leads to exhaustion and resentment.

Yes, why?? If you are now the commuter with long days, why isn’t he up and taking kids to school. Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like your DH is just doing bare minimum even though he has time
now to do a lot more around the house. Let go and let him do it.

I think thinking it through, I am probably feeling resentful he has had this career change which means he has less stress/ pay cut/ less annual leave and ife remains very similar for me. Pp are right I was doing it all before but his job was much harder with longer hours. I have been the breadwinner for most of relationship when he invested significant time and money in his last career which he has not completely walked away from.

My mum has recently needed more assistance and that has not been easy. One of our children is lso very full on - emotional/ very energetic and he struggles with them leaving me to the peacekeeper/ one to lead discipline etc.

When we do spend time together he is funny. But evenings seem to have a different dynamic where he just sits in front of tv he wants to watch or moped and it coincides with the time I'm most tired and just don't have the energy for it.

I get it must be lonely WFH, but he walked away from the job because dealing with people was too much.

You still seem far from equal leisure time and equal mental load. You need to be handing over more to him. Then you would have the energy to do spend time with him in the evenings.

What are you automatically doing everything with the DC the days you aren't in the office such as getting up at 6.30 - that should be shared too.

This.

My DH used to work long hours outside the home. Since Covid, he's now going into the office one or two days a week but is mainly wfh, whereas I'm the opposite (mainly back to normal with a day or two wfh). It has been a transition and we've both found it difficult at times, but now we both prefer it to the pre-Covid arrangement.

Hopefully in time you'll find the same OP. Make sure he steps up a bit more -it sounds like the balance isn't right yet if he has lots of spare time and you don't. Appreciate the things that are easier for you now. Ringfence some pockets of time you can have for yourself so you don't feel that you never have a break from him, but also enjoy the extra time you have together. Let him think of ways to fill his evenings and don't feel you have to babysit him. It's a transition time for both of you and transitions are always tricky, but hopefully things will be better for both of you in the long run.

What happens with the kids between 6.20am and and 8.30am? Or does he actually get up on those days?

Are you letting him sleep in on weekends / your WFH day?

Children are 5 and 8yo. We do aim for an 8pm bedtime but the big one just doesn't wind down easily

I don't think we are working well as a team. I've been used to spinning all the plates. Now he has stepped down I'm still spinning all the plates and he is not picking up the slack.

Add in I wasn't keen in the career change. I felt he was running away from his problems and he would be better getting coaching at work to look at why he was unhappy rather than walking away from a well estabished career. The same issues will crop up in this new job down the line. I feel.like he is destined to repeat the same cycle again . It's frustrating and he is very sensitive to cristism so shuts down I try and talk about it.

I do love him and he is funny, intelligent and I like spending time with him. I can see im holding onto to resentments and we need to clear the air. I think that's part of the issues - issues are left simmering away.