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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH in new WFH job - changed dynamic of home

156 replies

arachnophonia · 27/10/2022 00:41

NC as I give too much away.

Last year I posted about on here my DH wanting to change career to a lower paid and less stressful career. Hes gone ahead and made the change and is now 7-8 months into this complete career change. He previous was a lecturer working all hours and very stressed.

The new role of WFH in IT and much more junior, He does his work and then stops at 5pm. He says he is happy to have made the move and tbf he seems less stressed.

However, it's changed the dynamic a lot in our house. We were used to him working extra hours and I was fairly independent, took kids out at weekends whilst he caught up. He also used to work outside the home and now he is WFH.

He now has evenings and weekends free. He is always around and I'm finding it hard to get any time alone (which I really value for my sanity). My job is full on, a commute, responsibility and lots of contact with people. Couple that with two full on primary age kids who still have long bedtimes where they want to read with me and talk about their day. Its like now he has lots more free time, he doesn't know what to do with himself and expects me to entertain him and otherwise he's bored. I have no interest in this after a 12 hour work day.

In fairness he has picked up some of my responsibilities eg picking kids up from childcare which has reduced some stress on me, but I'm in a full on job (and now the breadwinner) and need down times.

Any tips for managing similar situations or AIBU and need to embrace this new life?!

OP posts:
girl71 · 28/10/2022 20:57

@CelestiaNoctis yes, this exactly! I asked Op yesterday if she was "in love" with her DH.... avoided.

I think him wfh has now massively impeded the OP as he is now there all the time. This has "ick" written all over it . The Op has managed fine on her own before the wfh arrangement and, she will manage again. I suspect op misses the freedoms, the independence and her ability to manage it all alone just fine . He is there now and she is suffocating .

Like Op feels about her DH, I love my friends too, find them very intelligent and love spending time with them, they make me laugh, we have great gin nights around work. and watch Netflix and talk to each other, we know each other, just as OP does with her DH. Do i want to live with them , no, do i want to have sex with them, hell no! Do i want them in my family home 24/7, do i fook!

It is ok to be divorced, it is ok to fall out of love with someone, it is ok to want more, it is ok to to go and find it . It's ok to build a new life for yourself. It is massively ok to do that.

Original poster
arachnophonia · 28/10/2022 20:59

And for all those horrified about my childrens sleep - they have been hideous sleepers from the start. This is a vast improvement! They used to wake frequently in the night and start the day at 4am. I spent many frustrating years trying all sorts to change it. I will definitely work on them making their own breakfast though if they are up early

OP posts:
girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:00

@arachnophonia "It has opened my eyes to the differences of opinion from LTB to what more do you want from the man? Gotta love mumsnet!".

No, you gotta love yourself.

RandomMess · 28/10/2022 21:04

Sadly I think he will be horrified at no longer having himself prioritised and having to take on the mental load and actually step up and make it so you have 50:50 leisure time.

girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:17

@RandomMess "Sadly I think he will be horrified at no longer having himself prioritised and having to take on the mental load and actually step up and make it so you have 50:50 leisure time".

Let him be horrified. This is nothing to do with the DH and ultimately all about the Op. What the DH can or cannot prioritise , what the DH can take for himself, what the DH can do 50/50- that is for him to manage. He has had plenty of time.

This is about the OP and what she wants. No "sadly" about it, he has his chance.

girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:24

@arachnophonia are you passionately, rip the clothes off, fancy the arse off him, have sex at every available opportunity, in love with your husband ?

LaDamaDeElche · 28/10/2022 21:26

green82 · 27/10/2022 08:21

Are the kids not exhausted only sleeping 9-5.30? That's seems a small amount especially for a 5 year old.

Way too little sleep at that age. I live in Spain where kids stay up until 9 or maybe later, but they're not up at the crack of dawn. They go to bed at 9-9:30 and get up at 7:30.

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 21:26

arachnophonia · 28/10/2022 20:59

And for all those horrified about my childrens sleep - they have been hideous sleepers from the start. This is a vast improvement! They used to wake frequently in the night and start the day at 4am. I spent many frustrating years trying all sorts to change it. I will definitely work on them making their own breakfast though if they are up early

Not breakfast, but a tray of safe little bits that could make early mornings fun.

Yoghurts, juice drinks, pain au chocolates, that sort of things, comfy blankets so they are all set up to watch cartoons at the weekend so you get a bit of a lie in.

Best of luck.

RandomMess · 28/10/2022 21:26

@girl71 oh I agree, he has been pampered to for YEARS he needs to shape up or ship out.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/10/2022 21:31

arachnophonia · 28/10/2022 20:59

And for all those horrified about my childrens sleep - they have been hideous sleepers from the start. This is a vast improvement! They used to wake frequently in the night and start the day at 4am. I spent many frustrating years trying all sorts to change it. I will definitely work on them making their own breakfast though if they are up early

I had a child like that and an earlier bedtime and fixed nighttime routine did the trick. It's just not enough sleep. You have to sort that out as your priority. They are very little and as much as you may want to hear about their day, sleep is more important for their development. They really won't remember that kind of stuff later on. Whoever is at home can chat about their day. If you're home late he should have them chilled and ready for bed and you can do a story and lights out.

Original poster
arachnophonia · 28/10/2022 21:35

arachnophonia are you passionately, rip the clothes off, fancy the arse off him, have sex at every available opportunity, in love with your husband ?

@girl71

WTF? This is getting weird now.

OP posts:
girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:43

For goodness sake, never mind pampered or yoghurts or sleep routines. Never mind talking, or getting up earlier. Never mind sharing 50/50.

Your just not attracted to someone you are just not attracted. They get on your nerves, everything they do pisses you off. They are now wfh due to career and covid limitations or change of career, they still piss you off, by just being there. They are massively pissing you off and the thought of sex with them makes you vomit.

Not happy, time to move on .

Ivyonafence · 28/10/2022 21:46

girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:24

@arachnophonia are you passionately, rip the clothes off, fancy the arse off him, have sex at every available opportunity, in love with your husband ?

I'm sorry this just isn't a reasonable expectation of a long term relationship. If this was the standard then 99% of couples would divorce

girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:46

@arachnophonia arachnophonia are you passionately, rip the clothes off, fancy the arse off him, have sex at every available opportunity, in love with your husband ?

@girl71
WTF? This is getting weird now

No, a natural question when dealing with issues within marriage.

girl71 · 28/10/2022 21:50

Op has never once stated that she is "in love" with her dh. It matters, if resolution in long term relationships can be reached .

Original poster
arachnophonia · 28/10/2022 21:51

They are massively pissing you off and the thought of sex with them makes you vomit.

@girl71 well this has escalated quickly. I think you may be projecting somewhat.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 28/10/2022 21:52

Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Why is it so difficult to talk to your husband, in sickness and in health and all that jazz.

Surely him being around helps you more as you've said but all it needs is a conversation about how things have changed and how you'd like to get a few things in order.

WhiteCatmas · 28/10/2022 21:57

Give OP a break. She is building a career, raising a family. A lot of relationships move beyond rip clothing off with teeth stage into love, affection and trust.

girl71 · 28/10/2022 22:09

@arachnophonia not projecting at all , have been divorced since 2018, I initiated. I have been very happy since. Can honesty say i have never had vomit inducing sex. In fact i am twice divorced. Both instigated by myself. Not projecting at all as i have never stayed in an relationship where i was not happy. I have worked on myself .

I am not the one posting here, i am posting in response giving my own independent experience. Carry on as you are then.

girl71 · 28/10/2022 22:12

Still have not said in you are in love with your DH OP!

SeaSunandSand · 28/10/2022 22:20

DH and I have been together for 19 years. In that time he was away in London at one point, then I became a police officer and worked shifts then we moved abroad and I was a stay at home mum and he travelled.
when Covid hit both DH and DD were at home full time. It was lovely to start with but then I began to hate having no time to myself despite not working! I spoke to DH and we decided he would go into his own space to watch TV, game etc. It’s been over 2 years and we still just ask for space when we need it. We are honest and say we want it. I love him to death but I don’t want him 24/7! We do our own thing within the space we have.
He worked away for 3 days a bit ago and ai missed him. It was really strange!

Thisisashitshow · 28/10/2022 22:21

I would be honest with him and ask him if he can think of ways to solve the dilemma.

billy1966 · 28/10/2022 22:23

OP, my sincere apologies......at the suggestion of a yoghurt being used to ease the trials of children or husbands in your marriage 🙄🤔🤣.

OP, you sound like a great woman.

HurtAndConfused2022 · 28/10/2022 23:19

Why are women on the internet so keen to tell other women to leave their partners over things that can be resolved?

PickAnyName · 28/10/2022 23:21

This is exactly the sort of thing that happens when a DH retires and is now around all the time — not saying he isn’t working, but parallel with the change in dynamic. A friend had this happen to her, and her DH “helped” with chores by doing the ones she liked, thus leaving her with the ones she didn’t. There needs to be a conversation about who does what when. He is now less stressed and happier. What can be done to help OP?