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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flaky friend

241 replies

Jennybeans401 · 26/10/2022 08:01

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 06:03

Thanks, I really didn't see this coming at all.

Weirdly she sent me a message yesterday (always late at night) with some information about a similar sports class that is happening just before her class. This class would finish just before hers starts so my dcs would see all these other children going to this sport's class that my dcs have been excluded from!

Not sure whether this is just to assuage her conscience but I've blocked her on social media. I also sent her a very brief message saying that I'd already booked new classes for the dcs. I won't respond to anything further but I thought I'd send the message loud and clear that we are not pining for these sessions of her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 06:06

And it's weird because prior to that message she sent yesterday I hadn't responded to those nasty rants.

The whole thing is a massive mind mess, I am now looking back and starting to see how manipulative she's been.

OP posts:
pompomsontheceiling · 30/10/2022 06:23

How old are your children OP?

She's a mega bitch and you are handling this very well.

TwentyForty · 30/10/2022 06:25

Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 06:06

And it's weird because prior to that message she sent yesterday I hadn't responded to those nasty rants.

The whole thing is a massive mind mess, I am now looking back and starting to see how manipulative she's been.

She sounds unhinged!

So she's been unreliable AND lied. She's a classic manipulator, the moment you've stood up for yourself, she's thrown a huge tantrum and tried to 'get back' at you for daring to call her out on her behaviour. Total narcissistic behaviour.

You've been very patient and reasonable with her, she's clearly not someone you want to be friends with. Avoid!

Piglet89 · 30/10/2022 06:37

Like @KitBumbleB , I have also experienced someone being unbelievably rude and hurling personal insults at me when I dared to stand up to her and tell her something she had some was unacceptable (which it absolutely, certainly was).

People like this simply cannot accept they are wrong.and as someone very wise else said upthread - you see someone’s true colours when you see how they react when you say no to them.

I was so shocked and upset when my former friend hurled dog’s abuse at me: I had been suffering depression and it set me back a bit. But I cut all contact with her and it was the right thing to do - she is superficially charming - but ultimately a nasty, manipulative bully and my life is missing nothing by not having her in it.

I am so sorry about your husband’s death: true friends support you at such an awful time, not treat you like crap by cancelling, lying and wasting your time. She is not a friend.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 07:18

I'm still totally mind blown that she sent me information about this other class.

Can someone be really that cruel they want to see the look of hurt on my dcs faces when they leave this other event and see the other group (my ex friend's group) coming in??!

We've been told not to come to her sports class so why offer another class with a different leader at the same venue back to back with her class.

My mind is blown.

OP posts:
PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 30/10/2022 07:37

Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 07:18

I'm still totally mind blown that she sent me information about this other class.

Can someone be really that cruel they want to see the look of hurt on my dcs faces when they leave this other event and see the other group (my ex friend's group) coming in??!

We've been told not to come to her sports class so why offer another class with a different leader at the same venue back to back with her class.

My mind is blown.

I think this is her trying to preemptively make herself look like the better in case people ask why your kids aren't at the activity any more. So she can say to people youve fallen out because you were so horrible to her and your kids aren't coming to her activity but she's such a gracious, kind person that she's recommended another group.

I could be wrong, but I can't think why else she'd do that.

ShepherdMoons · 30/10/2022 07:51

I would think the same as @PlainJaneSuperBrain99 but if the two classes are back to back as you said then surely this will bring you in contact with your friend's dcs and the other group. To me that would be complete mind fuckage. Is she planning to snub you openly?

ShepherdMoons · 30/10/2022 07:52

I would also say that all this is not normal. If she's ranted before none of the rest makes sense. Even trying to appear 'nice' is nonsensical especially when she's offering the other group as an opportunity to openly snub you!!!

DeadDonkey · 30/10/2022 08:10

Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 07:18

I'm still totally mind blown that she sent me information about this other class.

Can someone be really that cruel they want to see the look of hurt on my dcs faces when they leave this other event and see the other group (my ex friend's group) coming in??!

We've been told not to come to her sports class so why offer another class with a different leader at the same venue back to back with her class.

My mind is blown.

She doesn’t like the fact that you’ve stood up to her. She’s looking for an opportunity to see you face to face and the class cross-over is a way to make that happen. You’ve already blocked her on social media, I’d be blocking other routes of communication too.

ParentallyUnprepared · 30/10/2022 08:10

She's a nasty bitch.

She's done you a favour by showing you who she really is.

Randlehandle · 30/10/2022 08:16

Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 06:06

And it's weird because prior to that message she sent yesterday I hadn't responded to those nasty rants.

The whole thing is a massive mind mess, I am now looking back and starting to see how manipulative she's been.

When you have got over the shock, you will look back and feel relieved she is out of your life. She is a toxic mess x

CrackingcheeseWallace · 30/10/2022 08:18

Nasty controlling person. You're well rid of her. If she can retaliate to your 2 sentence message by removing your innocent DC's from their much loved group then you don't want or need someone like that in your life. She sounds vile. Bloody psycho.

marmitetoastie · 30/10/2022 08:36

Narcissism. Lovely friendly “martyrs” herself to support you (bet everyone knows about it). Then gas lights, that you’re at fault and hits back cruelly overreacting and doesn’t care if she hurts your vulnerable family. All about her. You were prob just a chapter in her narcissistic story for the outside world about how fabulous she is. Now, not even good enough to feed her pets.

fuck her. go buy your kids a Guinea pig or a dog, very healing for them especially in bereavement.

Sending you love, sooner the better riddance, even if it hurts rn. There will be a list of people she’s burned through, you are not the first.

xxxxxxxx

ShepherdMoons · 30/10/2022 08:41

I agree with other posters she sounds very controlling and narcissistic. No contact is the way to go, will drive her insane.

Isthisexpected · 30/10/2022 08:50

I'm sorry for your loss and I can't believe she brought up how she's been supporting you since your husband passed away, let alone kicked the kids out. I'm so pleased you don't have to tolerate her again. What a horrible person.

Couldyounot · 30/10/2022 08:52

I had a boss like this once. No boundaries, no consistency and treated everyone exactly as she pleased. It was a total mindfuck and ultimately an expensive one. OP, all you need to do here is not let her reel you back in.

iamjustwinginglife · 30/10/2022 10:08

Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 07:18

I'm still totally mind blown that she sent me information about this other class.

Can someone be really that cruel they want to see the look of hurt on my dcs faces when they leave this other event and see the other group (my ex friend's group) coming in??!

We've been told not to come to her sports class so why offer another class with a different leader at the same venue back to back with her class.

My mind is blown.

You didn't reply to her rants (quite rightly!) and so she's given you another poke to get a reaction.

I can see why you're hurt but I honestly think you're better off without such a complete cow in your life!

pictish · 30/10/2022 10:18

I agree it’s another poke. You’ve rattled her cage. 😁

OrlaCarmichael · 30/10/2022 10:29

OP I wonder if the message about the other class is more about her realisation that she’s now lost the validation she used to get from your freely given admiration - of her classes, of her dogs etc

That and the energy she got from being avoidant and making you feel bad about yourself when she left you hanging can be what props such people up.

Never underestimate how much these people need the ones they’re mistreating, despite appearances.

She’s now lost an important source of support, but if you and dc were drawn in to be ‘near’ to her class though banished from it, she retains some element of what she had. She might imagine you’d still express support for her class, or look like you’re pining to be readmitted into paradise!!

Well done on your self restraint OP! I’m in awe

Tiani4 · 30/10/2022 10:35

You've dealt with it with such dignity OP

She's manipulative and trying to poke you. An unreliable, downright selfish, unkind person that you are better off without, in yours and your children's lives.

"She was so unreliable, such a user, always letting my children down and so nasty when she was called out on it" is the line I would go with if anyone asks or "Trust me you don't want to know all the nasty things she did. I won't let her near my family again"

MadelineUsher · 30/10/2022 10:46

We've been told not to come to her sports class so why offer another class with a different leader at the same venue back to back with her class.

Plausible deniability.

"Oh, you didn't want to make arrangements with me, as you are so rigid, so I thought it best to cancel the class, but I felt for your DC so offered another!

pictish · 30/10/2022 10:47

Sorry that seemed flippant. I know you are appalled and you have every right to be.

As a bystander it is easy to see it objectively. Some people…call them narcissists as a general term, or be more discerning about who qualifies for a diagnosis, it doesn’t matter…some people are simply skewed in their regard for others.

As you mature and experience more of them in your relationships, friendships, workplace and wherever else, you begin to recognise these people. They often read from the same page and do much of the same stuff. This, at least, is unconscious on their part, they don’t know they’re a cliche.

Your pal there has narcissistic rage. No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did. Being held accountable is certainly not on their agenda.

MyrrAgain · 30/10/2022 10:49

Don't block her yet. Wait until she asks if you can pet sit. Say yes then text her just before to say sorry but something has come up, the kids are sick and now you can't do it, sorry hun, hope you can sort something out before you go away!! :)

ShutYerYapAndGetOnWithIt · 30/10/2022 10:50

In short, she really isn't, and hasn't been, a real friend. She's been letting you down for ages, and her recent What'sApp rant has shown how spiteful she really is. I think you'd be better off making new friends, perhaps encourage your daughter to join some other after-school clubs or other sports where she can make some friends. Best of luck.