Flaky friend

[Jennybeans401]

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

@Jennybeans401 well done.

This is awful, you had every right to say something about the way she’d lied and especially after you’d booked a day off and paid for tickets. She sounds nasty and while you’re well rid it is very sad for the children. I would have no qualms about being honest about why your kids are going nowhere near her again at the sports club and I’d find a new one and see if it helps your daughter make some new friends. You could also be honest with your kids - I’ve had to be with my girls recently about the way a friend treated me as it affected their friendships too and I think it’s a good lesson in self respect and important for boundary setting, well done for putting the key through the door!

Iv been here... my best friend told me terrible terrible lies. I called her out eventually and it all blew up. My little girl lost her best friend in the process. Kids are resilant. They will get over it. The best thing you can do is walk away and don't ever go back to that toxic friendship. I'm speaking from experience xx

This is horrendous I’m so sorry. She is not someone who will ever be a good friend to you. If someone doesn’t feel like they’re on your side then they’re not. You shouldn’t have to feel like this. Cancelling your daughter from the sports group is unforgivable- find another group asap- this is a blessing in disguise.

Well she's cutting her nose off there. Ignore.

I bet she'll be back pretending nothing's happened when she can't find anyone to petsit.

She’s been spiteful because she was never really your friend. It’s a pity you didn’t stand up for yourself sooner.

Total overreaction from her. Imagine booking and cancelling that often and not giving two shits about how you are impacting others. What about if it was you doing that to her?

And throwing bereavement in your face tells me all I need to know, she’s not a friend, I’d be cutting ties.

She’s a bully

Absolute silence from you is the only dignified response here.

Do not break and send anything - either combative, needy or final or anything in between. You’ll just get it all back at you.

let her think about what she’s written - your silence speaks volumes.

she will be back when she realises you’re not running around after her and supporting her.

mo response there either.

don’t block her because that’s still a response

You sound like a good friend and a good person. As in any break up throw yourself into your own life - get your hair done, get yourself out and about and do things for you and your DC. Have fun and find new activities. She will still be a bitch and bully and you’ll be happy and attract new lovely friends xx

Screenshot the rants before she deletes them. In case you ever need to prove you're telling the truth about her behaviour.

I had a friend like this. When I eventually called her on it, after a third time rebooked lunch at hers when I'd baked specially and bought food/snacks for the kids, and she cancelled an hour before when I was already on my way loaded with freshly baked stuff and other freshly made lunch stuff. Her excuse was that they'd had a really busy morning out playing at the park or something like that, and SHE was too tired to also do something in the afternoon. Our lunch had been planned for weeks! I got a whole spiel of verbal abuse telling me I was a horrible person for not being understanding, and that I shouldn't have any friends if I'm so demanding and unreasonable and can't understand that "things happen". She then blocked me on social media etc.

Oh wow what a nasty woman. You are well rid!!! The cancelling is very selfish and bad form, the rant is appalling but then excluding your children is lower than low, especially given they have been bereaved. Maybe use the day to take one of your daughters other friends with you and help her to build more friendships? So sorry this happened to you. This is all on HER and not on you. This will pass and better friends will come along. X

She was clearly never a friend and this was always going to end with her having a tantrum and blaming you.

I’m pretty flaky myself, but this is a piss take. You took the day off work and paid for tickets to something she suggested. She should honour that out of respect for the friendship, and she certainly shouldn’t be having a go at you and taking it out on your children by removing them from her group.

I’d consider this friendship over. She sounds really immature and unkind.

I agree with others who say she was never a friend. You sound lovely. Please don’t reply. Anything you say will be turned against you to continue her drama. I’ve been distancing myself from someone similar the past year. She’s always been flaky and goes from one drama to the next. I considered saying something but I knew she’d turn herself into a victim like she always does so I’m just permanently ’busy’. Screenshot the messages and accept she was never really your friend. Look into what other local groups your kids could join, do something nice for yourself. You’ll feel bad about this for a while but it’ll pass and she’ll always be a total bitch.

And I disagree with those saying don’t block her. No good will come from giving her the option to contact you in the future when she wants someone to bully or needs a favour. Any message you receive will make you emotional and you don’t need that. Don’t give her the chance to do that to you. Block her and have absolutely nothing more to do with her.

Keep the messages. Because WHEN she comes back reminding you her pets need sitting you need to remind yourself why the answer is now no.

Youve had a lucky escape - soon enough you'll start to fewl relieved to not have to deal with her crap. I had a similar experience with a woman who used me, unfortunatly our youngests became very close. But I was cancelled on 15 mins before meeting up because a different friend had dropped in unannounced one time. Anyway, now Im relieved I dont have to put up with everything being about her. Funny thing is when I saw her at the supermarket last year, she nearly climbed in her boot rather thab face me - still maintaining the victim story though to anyone who'll listen. They'll face their come uppance one day, and if theg dont, then they'll spend a lifetime cycling through friends, using them while they can then moving on when the friend cops on.
Keep the evidence, and keep your chin up

I had a friend like this once, I was plan B until she got a better offer. After she cancelled on me 4 times in a row, I ended the friendship. Its harsh on the soul to be relegated to 2nd division all the time.

Hope youre okay OP it's horrid when a friend turns like this.

On the upside when you no longer have that toxic friendship, then you have space in your life to make new friends, for yourself and your daughter.

I'd be looking at what activities are available locally, there's always another group, sport, hobby that you haven't tried yet.

🌸

DD had a "friend" like this in year 7. When she was called out on her behaviour she manipulated all the girls in the class to isolate DD. When I contacted the school they were amazingly supportive and the ex friend was told that if she continued with this behaviour that they would impose sanctions on her. At age 11 that was all that was needed.

Many years later all the girls that the ex friend had manipulated dropped their friendship with her because they could see what she was like. One of them became a close friend to DD and even aplogised for believeing the ex friend.

It sounds like this frenemy wants to be the Queen Bee, just like DD's ex friend.

I'm shocked at her taking this out on your DCs.

More than anything, that shows why she isn't a friend either to you or them. She's been using you and DC for her own agenda. Break now, so she can do no further damage.

Huge Narc alert!! Sorry for your DC x

She's a selfish cow and this is a very one-sided friendship.

she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh)

I can't believe she said this!!! What an awful thing to say.

Cut her off right now.

My dd is close friends with her dd and I think my friend will put an end to their friendship now

I think your DD might have had a lucky escape if her friend turns out like her mother. But have a good chat to DD about what's going on, so she doesn't feel excluded herself.