Flaky friend

[Jennybeans401]

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

@Jennybeans401 This sounds like a narcissistic woman you can well do without.
It's horrible being considered ''Second best''
A true friend wouldn't do that to you.

She sounds most unpleasant.

Why bother? That's not ''flaky'' , that's self obsessed and selfish.

Kicking the kids out of a sports group that SHE runs, and presumably she'll now lose out on the money from them - is a massive over-reaction to you - accurately - pointing out some flakiness.

But people don't like it when others hold up a mirror to their own failings!

If your kids are old enough to understand, I'd sit them down and tell them what you've said here. And that neither you, nor them, should have to put up with always being ditched and second best friends. You're worth more.

Don't reply to her rants. Let your silence do the speaking for you.

@Jennybeans401 Removing your daughter from sports groups is next level vindictive.

This woman has shown her true colours.. and they ain't pretty.

She sounds horrible. To remove your children from the activity is unforgivable, especially as they have lost their father. What a cruel woman.

Absolutely.
It's really deep level cruelty. Deep spite. OP can do so much better.

I was all ready to stand up for her because as someone with kids who get sick then are fine, I regularly have to let people down but my god! Just call it a day on the friendship, it’s done:( hoping your kids aren’t in the same school and she’s not too close geographically to you?

Please do not look after her pets.

Absolutely not.

She may come smarming back, as it's not easy getting pets looked after responsibly {assuming for free} so she can jolly well pay for their care with someone else.

I am so sorry about this , it really is completely unfair how you and your DC and being treated.

Please have some self preservation and have no more to do with someone so unkind, controlling, vindictive and hurtful when you and your DC are suffering Bereavement.

@Jennybeans401, OP, please don't feel bad about this woman. I am upset that it affected you that you couldn't get any sleep whilst this harridan has no decency attacking you with her messages.

Sometimes we feel bad because the situation isn't ideal and we didn't want a fight, however, look at how many people are supporting you. You have the right to stand up for yourself without this being turned into an EP of Emmerdale by her. You standing up for yourself isn't meant to hurt her. Don't feel bad about this, and do continue to stand up for yourself in the future, good friends will be able to accept this. 💐

She was ott ranting because she knows she is in the wrong and is totally aware of her flaky unreasonable behaviour. It’s sad but move on and spend time with more worthy friends 🧡

What a nasty women.

Don't waste anymore of your time on her.

Inevitably someone comes along to trot out this kind if BS. Oh poor friend and her "suspected", hidden MH issues. Of course OP should rush over and have a chat with her...🙄

OP, The woman is simply a nasty cow. Other posters have already dissected her personality pretty well! And don't feel bad explaining to your children what has happened and why they can't go to the club anymore. It will be hurtful, but it's a really valuable lesson about friendships and not being a doormat to nasty people. You will find another club and new friends.

Btw, I would reply to her rants. But not yet. Not until I had it articulated concisely and inarguably. A brush off with no feasible means of return.

The arrogance of assuming that my time is yours to waste and blow off on a whim asides, I am further dismayed by your furious response to my message and removal of (daughter) from (group). It has confirmed that you’re not on my wavelength at all.
I prefer to be friends with those I can safely and reasonably be frank with, and who can be similarly candid with me without resorting to spite or in this case, involving (and effectively punishing) my daughter.
Not cool. We aren’t friends any more.

That’s the sort of thing I’d send. I can’t let anyone get the last word though.

She sounds like a twat and a lying one at that, I’d be relieved if I were you and find a better friend who won’t mess you about

Oh and this too.
When you’re right, the last word IS yours.

Don’t just slink off having been slapped down.
She’s out of line. Tell her then leave her standing.

I think you are absolutely right. She clearly doesn't give a toss about messing you around all the time and being unreliable. This isn't a genuine friend. And it's even worse that when you do eventually tell her you're unhappy about being repeatedly let down by her, the immediate response is to be spiteful, nasty and punish your kids to get back at you. You really don't need fake friends like this in your life. Children are resilient and your kids will find other groups and make new friends soon enough.

I recently experienced something similar. A friend I knew for decades sent a very nasty text to me. There has been an apology of sorts but I have taken a huge step back. She isn’t the person I thought she was and it obvious she doesn’t value out friendship.

I have reached the stage where it comes down to self respect. I deserve better.

I know it's hard now, but I think she's done you a favour. She's no good for you or your kids.

I agree with the poster who said keep the messages. I expect she will paint things a very different way to others so it will help to have proof if you need it.

Drop the friendship, it’s one sided. Step back and see what effort your friend makes to contact you.

Help your daughter make friends in other places. My daughter made a friend through going to the weekly roller disco every Saturday. The other girl seems lovely and it turns out is struggling to make friends at school due to being bullied.

Another way of looking at this, is to see how disappointed your daughter is and how much you now have to try and compensate for your friends behaviour.

Unfortunately I've met people like this. Fully ditch her, join new groups, make new friends, short term painful, but it's the only way forward

She's selfish and nasty. Unfortunately, sometimes despite the odd warning sign it can take years/decades to really reveal itself. When it starts affecting your children that really is the final straw. Her response is very revealing. Well done for drawing a line under this relationship. I hope the hurt fades quickly and the space it leaves is filled with better friendships soon.

Do nothing op

Don't respond
Don't pet sit (glad to see you've posted her key back)
Don't pay for your dc activity
Don't go to the activity

She's a nasty piece of work, the only reason the friendship has lasted as long as it has, is because you've not called her out on her behaviour before. Banning your dc from their activity is the lowest of the low

Go silent with this connection. The woman sounds very nasty and abusive. I would gently distance dd from her friend, are you sure the friends dd is nothing to do with the bullying. I can understand how upsetting and anxiety provoking this has been but honestly this is a gaslighter and anyone else in your WhatsApp group who is not supporting you should also be put on the shelf. You sound like a lovely person who tries hard with connections and I'm sure you can do better, meet other connections for your DD too. Good luck.

What a horrible thing to do, sending you nasty messages for you rightly pulling her up on letting you down again. Then punishing your children for her bad behaviour.
Agree with saving the messages in case she tries to put the blame on you to other people.
You have all obviously had a very stressful time with the loss of your husband, I hope you have support from other people. 🌷

Keep the messages as evidence should you need it, and block her. Otherwise I predict she will provide a half arse apology and ask you if you will still pet sit.