Flaky friend

[Jennybeans401]

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

She's shown you who she really is. Be grateful for that, block her from your life entirely, and move on. You deserve better friends.

She isn’t the friend you need to punish your children. Explain to your kids if they are old enough. She had lost a good friend

You did noting wrong with your assertive but polite message about your DC's disappointment. Her response was way over the top & pure DARVO - she knows she's a flake, knows she has repeatedly lied to you, cannot cope with being called out on it so is trying to make her behaviour your fault -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Trying to justify herself by throwing your husband's death at you is so low I'm appalled for you.
two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh).

I suspect I'd need to respond, & strongly, because there is no coming back from this level of selfishness & spite.
"You're right - it was dreadful of me to be upset that you lied to me again about arrangements, & my husband's death was far worse for you than it was for me. Given my children have lost their dad, it's only right that you hurt them further by removing them from the sports club for no reason. You poor thing, how horrible to have a friend who has always kept to her arrangements with you, & had the cheek to ask you to do the same."

I'd then tell everyone exactly what she's said & done. Unbelieveably cruel. She was never your friend & I hope her sports club withers & dies when people find out what she's done to your kids. Are there any alternatives nearby they can go to, so that they don't have to lose the sport, just this specific club?

I recently read something that stuck with me.

No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did.

Not making an armchair diagnosis here, insert ‘bully’ or whatever.
She’s furious that you have called her out. Know your place!

Fuck this one right off. I was going to advise such based on the whole ticketed event palaver anyway…but given the additional ranting, there’s no question now.

Sorry this has happened to you. Going forward apply the ‘get no effort, make no effort’ approach to friendship. Invest in those who invest in you too. It feels much better.

Block her,don't give her the option of worming her way back in.
You've been given an out,take it.

She put her kids needs first? then it’s fair to assume they’ll be just as disappointed as yours at missing out on fun times so she’s a lying loon.

you did right to call her out and she’s doing exactly what all liars and manipulators do when touched with a truth stick - they squirm and snap.

You’re well rid but if your poor kids are upset by this don’t hide it all from them, use it as a life lesson on how to recognise gits. Make sure you don’t say it’s her kids fault but do point out how this sort of behaviour in adults isn’t acceptable. Good luck OP, she is no friend.

Well done. Not responding and blocking is the best way.

I have a few flaky friends who pull out last minute or won’t commit. This is due to variable things- money, mental health, being disorganised. Your friend wasn’t flaky, she was dumping you and lying because better offers had come up. To behave like this towards you after your bereavement is just hideous, unforgivable behaviour. And to do this to your children knowing they are struggling. What a cunt.

She doesn't sound like a nice person. You and your DD are better off without her.

Flakiness/lack of conscientiousness = dark triad trait. She doesn't care about how you feel. She only cares about how she feels.

Moving on is wise.

she will now get less money from the sports club and nobody to help set up/clear up.

she has lost free pet care.

hope you and your dc can find some fun sports activity they like - local football club/hockey/tennis/swimming …. And make some friends that value you.

You are well shot of this "friend"! She has no right to bring up your bereavement in response to you standing up for yourself and your children. She may well have helped you through a difficult time which you can still be thankful for whilst calling out her bullshit behaviour.
Really proud of you for standing up for yourself and calling her out, her response shows that you've hit the nail on the head and hit a nerve. Don't justify her rant with a response. It's really tough but please just leave her be and move on, perhaps look into other clubs you and dc can go to and make some new friends for yourself and dc, you will both be better off.
YANBU and you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Sending love x

I would explain what has happened to your kids. In layman’s terms.
Express your sorrow at the loss of the friendship and let them feel sad. Have them view you as a person who won’t tolerate being mistreated or attacked.

It’s a shame but you didn’t do it.

Op sorry for you. She sounds horrible. Not a nice friendship. Crap to take it out on the kids.

Terrible behaviour.

Take screen shots of her messages to keep because she can easily delete them on WhatsApp and you might forget exactly how awful she was that day and you need to remember so you never let her come crawling back into your life.

She has been called out and she doesn't like it. Ignore her. Don't respond. She will either rethink and contact you or she won't. It is sometimes important to draw the line. She now knows you are not a mug.

Do you know what. I had. Friend who kept doing similar.
Saying she would meet me at the park and then when I was waiting on the bench in the park with my DC she would message to say she was just too tired coming back from somewhere else and couldn’t come.
Or she would arrange to meet and then not bring one of her DC who she would have known my DC was really looking forward to meeting up with and playing with.
In the end I just stopped messaging first. And do you know what she never messaged first so that was the end of that.
I’m sad as we’ve had loads of good times but I’m not putting up with someone constantly letting me down and treating me as an after thought.

Awful behaviour.
I'd have to block her for that.
I don't know whether it's my age (mid 40s) but I don't put up shit like this anymore. I used to get upset about things like this and dwell on it and blame myself for it. I have enough problems of my own without dealing with other people's dramas and awful behaviour.
I no longer tolerate flaking out on me either - if it happens more than once or twice then I don't make arrangements with that person any more.

Obviously you won’t be friends anymore but please think about how you valued her friendship over her being a dick. I have had flaky friends, I have always said to them that it is not great of them to mess me about-we all have busy lives and it’s not very nice. After a while, if they continue cancelling I naturally just stop making plans with them and spend more time with people who don’t change plans at the last minute. I would no way put up for that for years while modelling to my child who is struggling with friendships that taking any scraps is better than nothing.

I think the laughing face emoji is because of the ‘avoid like the plaque’ instead of ‘avoid like the plague’ comment, not at the meaning of the comment

Nasty bitch. Block and move on and explain the situation to your DD. The girls can make of it what they want. Don't engage with her again for any reason.

It sounds like your moderate 2 line message really touched a nerve. She felt guilty and embarrassed by her shoddy behaviour. She realised you have seen through her fakery. Promptly turned it on you and tried to bully you into silence. A horrible life lesson but a valuable one.
Don't lose any more sleep over her and hold your head up high.

I've has similar when I confronted a friend who had treated me like shit and deeply upset me. Long time friend, thought we could have an honest conversation and sort it out as it was too big for me to pretend it hadn't happened.

Suddenly I'm the bad guy and she made up loads of shit about things I had supposedly done to upset her which had no basis in reality ( they really hadn't happened I'm not just saying this) then blocked me on all SM.

Some people can't accept they've been the dick, it's a psychological blind spot, so they have to make you the dick. ( aka darvo).

Harsh lesson learned but its honestly easier to walk away, I can understand why people go quiet/ block/ slow fade rather than risk the drama. I'll certainly never make that mistake again.

Yes please don't lose any sleep OP, she has seen you as a victim and she has been your saviour perhaps, and she is strongly reminding you of 'your place '. You are not a victim, but you have been through something big and you deserve kind and good people around you, not this horse shit. Do what you need to do and then let it go and move on with your life.

I would send this. Your friend is a nasty vindictive bitch who has well and truly shown her true colours. How dare she take you calling her out on her lies and deceit on your dd. And using your bereavement against you is disgusting too. I hope she is on here and reads the responses. She is like a fake insta story - all shiny on the outside but no substance inside. You and your children deserve better

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences.

But you were not being rude or aggressive, just assertive. I know it's tempting not to reply to her two rants, but it's the right thing to (not) do. Don't argue with idiots, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with their experience.

How dare you grieve! You should be a doormat while grieving, otherwise you're clearly rude.🤐

No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did. @pictish Oh yes