Flaky friend

[Jennybeans401]

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

Oh my goodness she sounds awful and completely over dramatic and cruel to boot.

although I am sure it hurts and it is going to upset your kids now, I’m the long run this is a friendship you are much better off away from.

I would have to reply although I suspect your silence is more powerful and classy!. I think I’d say that her reaction that essentially punishes your DD feel cruel and pointless but that you don’t feel you can remain friends with someone who lies and let’s you down so perhaps it’s the best plan.

She will suffer more from the lack of your friendship than you will here but I do feel for your DD.

Your "Friend" is a nasty manipulative b*tch who has no hesitation in repeatedly letting down and disappointing / upsetting your DCs. She's not just flakey she's downright unreliable unkind and sketchy.

She's gone nuclear on you because you dared to call her out in her behaviour. Her true colours are showing. She doesn't even like you nor your DCs.

Don't even reply. (Or reply "Have seen your true colours now"!!)

Immediately Block her number. Find your DS some decent friends., he's young enough to forget her DCs fairly quickly, and in the long run he'll be less hurt as this mum "friend"is constantly going to mess your child around.

Interesting how she's twisting the story to how she's your saviour you poor bereaved widow. Rather than a friendship where she is taking the p*ss and upsetting your child.

Go to that local event you have tickets for, enjoy it. Don't speak to her again.

Bin the b*tch

Agree with this.

She sounds awful and you're better off without her. Do not accept it when she comes crying back and gives you a sob story about not being able to get her pet minded.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Her over reaction is really shocking. Perhaps it's best to end the friendship, if she's going to be so spiteful towards your children.

Yanbu, what a nasty nasty person. How dare she throw her support of your dh loss back at you, that is truly a despicable person. I can imagine what a shock this is. And to then kick your DC out? I wouldn't even respond to her message. I would cut her out and never have anything to do with her again. One day her nastiness will come back to her.

Horrible horrible woman . Avoid like the plaque

Also, she's not flaky. She's manipulative and vindictive. She didn't like that you stood up for yourself so took it out on your children. Why would you want someone like that as your friend?

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

When I read your post my first impression was that you sound intense with her. Always telling her how much your kids love her sports group, paying extra for their spaces and you have probably said you are building everything on meeting up and how much your kids will love it.

I'm worried that she feels a lot of subliminal pressure from you and may well be relieved that she has sent those long rants. She probably does feel guilty but it sounds like she doesn't want to be friends with you.

I'm so sorry. In time you will find an equal friendship where you don't need to feel validated through your children's friendships.

Have a lovely time doing your planned activity and concentrate on helping to plan things with school friends that you can help nature friendships with.

I'm.sorry to hear about your dh. Sending positive vibes.

A friend (or even a stranger who was normal and mature) would not kick your children out of a club because they had a disagreement with you. The fact that your children have suffered a bereavement just adds another layer of cruelty to that action. I couldn't ever treat children like that, no matter how annoyed I was at their parent. It has nothing to do with them and she's shown how pathetic and childish she really is.

I feel like perhaps she has anxiety or depression or something hidden is going on, I know I am guilty of being a flaky friend. Sometimes I plan things with the best intentions and then it comes to the time and I just don't feel up to it or can't face it.

She shouldn't have ranted at you but again I sense more is going on behind the scenes with her that's probably unrelated to you but you're getting it in the neck.

I'd organise to meet up and have a proper chat.

She sounds like a horrible person. You're well rid of her.

Do you also punish children when you're lashing out?

This person doesn't sound flaky. She sounds vindictive and cruel and a downright nasty piece of work

Sorry op. As someone very succinctly put your relationship relies on her treating you badly. Cut her off and I hope you find some other activities your dd enjoys.

😂

Are you the 'friend'?

What a strange reaction. You've caught her out lying and I think in that scenario that was totally fair considering that you'd paid money to go spend time with them, she didn't follow through and then lied to you about the reason why. It sounds like she has some issues either with her communication or saying no to thinks or she's too impulsive but none of those things are your problem. If you really value her friendship I'd suggest meeting her for a coffee and just say that you wanted to be honest because you value the friendship when she cancels things it affects you and your children and you were surprised by her reaction to your honesty. I'm fully guilty of over committing myself at times because I want to say yes to everything and am overly optimistic but then burn out and can't do it all (it's something I've worked really hard on) and I remember one of my best friends sitting me down and basically calling me out on it and I appreciated that she cared enough to do that when she could have just cut me out instead and I did start addressing it and apologised. But you can't make her react that way and accept the feedback you're giving her. The fact she removed your kids from a group is massively out of line though, that would be a deal breaker for me in itself and I'd definitely speak to her directly about that and say that while you may be having issues between you removing your kids from a group you pay for is very unfair.

She sees you as vulnerable and is exploiting that. That's not a nice person, she clearly gets a better offer and then lies and cancels on you.

It's another level of nasty to start excluding your dcs from a sports group though.

She sounds unbelievably nasty. And a user. Don't reply to her.

I'd organise to meet up and have a proper chat.

haha no. Or i'd organise a meet up and then pull out at the last minute.

Sorry it happened this way, OP, it's going to be hard, but better having it all out in the open now. Can you find another sports club for your DCs? and then just ignore her. Don't block the number or anything but just ignore ignore ignore.

You deserve better friends. She is not a friend.

I wouldn't reply to the messages either, keep your dignity and move on to better friendships.

Who on earth thinks you’re unreasonable??? Please explain
I would have to reply before blocking.
I would keep it simple and say.
I was upset and told you so, politely.
You we’re upset by that and had a rant.
We could have moved on but you have been spiteful to my children which is completely unacceptable and nasty. Please don’t be proud of yourself. Goodbye.

She is not worth your time. Treat your kids and find another activity for them.
She is a bitch.

She sounds horrible. She is a lot more than just flaky - she is nasty and very unkind. I'd screen shot her messages.

In future you need to be a bit more canny with people though. I don't get why you were paying her more for the activity though. That sounds odd.

Are there any other groups you can attend?
Also regards to your dd's bullying what's being done about it?

This. This is spot on.

I agree with @ShepherdMoons. Send that.