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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flaky friend

241 replies

Jennybeans401 · 26/10/2022 08:01

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

OP posts:
PurplePixies · 29/10/2022 13:02

VeronicaFranklin · 26/10/2022 09:09

I feel like perhaps she has anxiety or depression or something hidden is going on, I know I am guilty of being a flaky friend. Sometimes I plan things with the best intentions and then it comes to the time and I just don't feel up to it or can't face it.

She shouldn't have ranted at you but again I sense more is going on behind the scenes with her that's probably unrelated to you but you're getting it in the neck.

I'd organise to meet up and have a proper chat.

Hopefully, reading this thread will open your eyes to how your flakiness negatively impacts on others and the hurt it causes.

Stop making excuses to yourself. Don’t treat people like they have no value and you can discard them on a whim.

If you aren’t prepared to make yourself follow through with your plans, be upfront and honest with them in the beginning and let your friends know that you might change your mind last minute. Then they have a choice of whether to take that risk or not. That’s fair enough.

In this scenario, there is No reasonable excuse for the ‘friend’ to dump the OP’s kids from the activity and therefore it’s clear that the friend is a selfish bitch who enjoys a power play with the OP and is likely to treat other friends in a similar fashion too.

MightyOaks · 29/10/2022 13:04

KitBumbleB · 26/10/2022 08:35

I had a very similar friend, in fact I'm wondering if it is the same woman!

She also lost her shit when I called her out on a lie (she offered me a lift when my car was in the garage and then ghosted me, later claiming her son sustained a serious head injury and had to go to hospital....the same son who was cheerfully wandering around asda in his school uniform that evening...)

I feel sorry for your DC but its a blessing in the long run

PLEASE tell me you confronted her about her DS's supposed head injury???

Friendofdennis · 29/10/2022 13:07

So you and your children are going through serious bereavement and this woman treats you like this ? Totally awful, damaging and cruel. It’s painful now, but the end of this ‘friendship’ is probably for the best. Build yourself up as a family unit by doing things together and with people who genuinely love and care about you This woman has no right to be in your inner circle where she can cause you emotional pain

MightyOaks · 29/10/2022 13:09

She sounds worse than flakey & manipulative she sounds deeply disturbed

IAmNotReal43 · 29/10/2022 13:17

It sounds like she is used to picking you up and dropping you whenever she feels like it, like a prop on a film set. If this is the first time you have ever really challenged her behaviour, she will be shocked and angry that you have tried to change the status quo ...after all, she is bound to like things the way they have been up till now, because everything is entirely on her terms.

I am sure the rant is partly defensive (she knows she is in the wrong, so has no proper excuse now that she has been called out) and partly because she thinks that if she shouts loudly enough then she can bully you into submission and maybe even get an apology out of you. And then things can go back to exactly how they were before. Which would suit her very well.

I'd stand your ground ... don't put up with being a second class friend any more. You and your kids deserve better than that.

VeronicaFranklin · 29/10/2022 13:17

PurplePixies · 29/10/2022 13:02

Hopefully, reading this thread will open your eyes to how your flakiness negatively impacts on others and the hurt it causes.

Stop making excuses to yourself. Don’t treat people like they have no value and you can discard them on a whim.

If you aren’t prepared to make yourself follow through with your plans, be upfront and honest with them in the beginning and let your friends know that you might change your mind last minute. Then they have a choice of whether to take that risk or not. That’s fair enough.

In this scenario, there is No reasonable excuse for the ‘friend’ to dump the OP’s kids from the activity and therefore it’s clear that the friend is a selfish bitch who enjoys a power play with the OP and is likely to treat other friends in a similar fashion too.

Show quote history

Hopefully, reading this thread will open your eyes to how your flakiness negatively impacts on others and the hurt it causes.

Stop making excuses to yourself. Don’t treat people like they have no value and you can discard them on a whim.

Maybe you need to have a bit of empathy and be less judgy.

My personal flakiness is because of my own struggles, not because I intend to cause upset to others and let them down.

I don't make excuses to myself, I'm very aware of my struggles with social anxiety etc and I don't apologise for them either.

Thankfully I have very understanding friends for 20+ years (and thank god they're not so judgy like you).

MadelineUsher · 29/10/2022 13:20

That awful over-response - coming at you like a sherman tank, punishing your kids, the rants - over you mildly mentioning the way she's mucked you around (again) is very telling. Back slowly away from this woman. Do not let ler sucker you back in. Keep copies of the horrible rants to remind yourself if you start doubting yourself and your right to speak up. This sort will do your head in.

bewarethetides · 29/10/2022 13:36

pictish · 29/10/2022 12:08

Btw, I would reply to her rants. But not yet. Not until I had it articulated concisely and inarguably. A brush off with no feasible means of return.

The arrogance of assuming that my time is yours to waste and blow off on a whim asides, I am further dismayed by your furious response to my message and removal of (daughter) from (group). It has confirmed that you’re not on my wavelength at all.
I prefer to be friends with those I can safely and reasonably be frank with, and who can be similarly candid with me without resorting to spite or in this case, involving (and effectively punishing) my daughter.
Not cool. We aren’t friends any more.

That’s the sort of thing I’d send. I can’t let anyone get the last word though.

I actually quite like the way you've phrased that and would probably whack something up like that on my own social media, saying it's arrogant to assume that your time is there for someone else to waste and blow off on whims, etc

Head high, OP. She's a vicious, lying twat and you and your daughter deserve better friends.

KangFang · 29/10/2022 13:37

I agree that he's a cunt.
Cut all contact.
Delete and block.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 29/10/2022 13:39

Yeah, I think many people have encountered one of these so-called friends. When they perennially cancel at the last minute, mess you about or when a better offer comes their way. Or when they’re caught lying and then blame you for discovering their lies. Life is too short for flakey friendships.

YouSirNeighMmmm · 29/10/2022 13:42

ParentallyUnprepared · 26/10/2022 08:17

What a cunt

OP or the friend?

Sorry, poor joke. You have literally said everything there is to say about OPs "friend"!

ParentallyUnprepared · 29/10/2022 13:47

@YouSirNeighMmmm

You.

I kid I kid. Worse joke.

SezFrankly · 29/10/2022 13:49

At best - She’s embarrassed and defensive at being caught out for being flaky and not mature enough to apologise.

At worse - she’s unhinged. Completely overblown and frankly weird reaction.

Either way, You don’t need people like this in your life, or your children’s lives. You can also put your children and yourself first and keep away fro
her.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 29/10/2022 14:18

Jennybeans401 · 27/10/2022 09:51

Just posted her house key through the door, like many people here have said it's better to deal with this now than in years to come. It won't get better or change, she'll mess me about and could be more vindictive with my dcs (I've already seen how spiteful she is).

OMG please tell me she doesn't have your house key! If she does, change the lock.

forgotmyusername1 · 29/10/2022 14:31

I have a 3 strikes policy. Let me down 3 times and I stop trying

ddl1 · 29/10/2022 14:46

She isn't just flaky; she's dishonest. If she were just muddled and getting arrangements wrong as a result, she'd be very embarrassed and apologetic; but she is lying and then getting angry at being caught out in her lies. And it's bad enough that she's being a very bad friend to you, but she's taking things out on your children. Frankly, I think you should just cut your losses and drop her,

Twilight7777 · 29/10/2022 14:46

Sounds like narcissistic rage, my ex friend was the same, if I called her out on a lie she’d go ballistic and start telling people things I’d supposedly done! All lies and actually it was her that did those things. Cutting your kids out of a club is just pure spite. Id be looking for a way to report her or put bad reviews on her church Facebook page. But I’m petty as hell.

PlanningTowns · 29/10/2022 14:48

I have a sneaky suspicion you’ll hear from her before the pet sitting duties. DO NOT DO IT.

she is banking on you responding. It does warrant a response but be mindful of your words, she will twist them for her own end. To that end ‘cunt’ seems to be the only appropriate word to use!

ddl1 · 29/10/2022 14:53

VeronicaFranklin · 26/10/2022 09:09

I feel like perhaps she has anxiety or depression or something hidden is going on, I know I am guilty of being a flaky friend. Sometimes I plan things with the best intentions and then it comes to the time and I just don't feel up to it or can't face it.

She shouldn't have ranted at you but again I sense more is going on behind the scenes with her that's probably unrelated to you but you're getting it in the neck.

I'd organise to meet up and have a proper chat.

But I assume that you don't tell blatant lies to get out of things? I am tolerant of a certain amount of flakiness, because all sorts can be going on in people's lives, but I am not tolerant of dishonesty, and I am not tolerant of taking things out on children.

MountainChalet · 29/10/2022 15:29

It sounds like she's only friendly when she needs something from you like pet sitting but she really doesn't want to hang out with you hence the lies. This time she was caught up and showed her true colours.

Bluekerfuffle · 29/10/2022 16:04

Can you message back saying sorry she feels that way and it’s up to her if she wants to end your friendship but not to take it out on your kids who will lose out if they can’t take part in the group activity.

suzanneinfo · 29/10/2022 22:42

Get very far away now. Had a situation where my friend of many years used me for her bad behaviour and then blamed me for validating it. She had an affair and when I didn't condemn her was weird about it. Said awful things to me when she was drunk and I tried to maintain a relationship because I forgave her. The final straw was a comment was made off hand about a friend 'being a bit better than they thought they were' and how much she had helped them. This is short hand but just had a flash of this is how you speak about me. Took stock, moved on. Genuinely grieved for a while but realised I had outlived my usefulness and started to resent the support I'd given her. You'll doubt yourself but your kid will be fine and one day you will wake up lighter with other friends.

suzanneinfo · 29/10/2022 23:02

Oh, yeah and we had mutual friends who didn't know there was an issue. One asked if l was coming to an event. I explained I was unlikely to have been invited due to fact we were no longer in touch. Wonder if she spent the night throwing up on them. Doubt it. Was walking along the street in the middle of a conversation so didn't stop to say hello, she stepped into my path to say 'oh hello' no idea who it was I was chatting to, so all about her. If she was that bothered she had 18 months to say 'hi'. Bizarre grandstanding that topped off a long empty friendship. Allow yourself to move on.

Welshmonster · 30/10/2022 00:55

Leave a bad review on the sports group that it’s not inclusive

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/10/2022 05:01

Sorry for your loss @Jennybeans401 of dh

my dh died tho almost 12yrs ago and you learn quickly who your true friends are

and one lady who I had been friends with for 15yrs or so showed her true colours

your friend is not a friend. She keeps you as something till a better offer comes alone and you are a second option

not sure what activity she runs but sure there will be similar so ask about on local Fb groups or school mums