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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flaky friend

241 replies

Jennybeans401 · 26/10/2022 08:01

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

OP posts:
DorritLittle · 26/10/2022 10:54

She has doubled down on you because you called her out. That is very controlling behaviour, and very manipulative to throw your bereavement at you. She is no friend. Find a different activity for your child. I can recommend drama as an activity where friendships are easily formed.

HangOnToYourself · 26/10/2022 11:03

What a nasty piece of work, you are well.out of that friendship but I can understand you must be feeling bad about your DD. You havent done anything wrong though.

billy1966 · 26/10/2022 11:04

Kissingfrogs25 · 26/10/2022 10:25

I am shocked and horrified on your behalf. She has shown you precisely who she is. I suspect she knows there is vulnerability due to your bereavement and grieving process she feels she can do what she likes, and behave how she pleases because of this. She is one of life's vultures I am afraid.

Now is the perfect moment to teach your children self respect. Tell them the absolute truth, do not sugar coat it, and tell them we won't be seeing them again, and mean it. Friends should never behave this way. Use this horrible experience as an opportunity for a life lesson for your dc, something positive to come out of it.

Your dd does not need friends like this op, she is better to have no friends at all.

In your position instead of the activity I would line up the most fabulous day out for your children. So when you have told them, have a surprise waiting for them!

I would start now sourcing new friends and support networks, remember you only need each other and kindness in your world. Raise the bar with who you allow in your world op from now on, don't allow this to happen again. The writing has been on the wall with this woman for years. You are stronger than you think, and sound like an amazing friend to have.

She is not a flakey friend, many people can be flakey but not mean to let others down. She is a first class vulture, she has no place in your life anymore op. Go and get the friends you deserve!

Completely agree.

This was ALWAYS going to happen at some point, so best to learn from it and move on.

She sounds just awful, certainly no friend.

ShepherdMoons · 26/10/2022 11:26

Hold your head up high, your dcs will be proud of you and in the long term you are saving yourself a world of grief.

You've challenged her and she's clearly not used to it, she will probably tell her friends a completely different story but the messages will speak for themselves.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 26/10/2022 11:44

I don't think she'll tell people the truth, I'm still in shock at how nasty those messages were.

OP posts:
TootMootZoot · 26/10/2022 12:24

Jennybeans401 · 26/10/2022 10:00

@M2551 she's often cancelled on us I've not said anything to her. I've let a lot go really but just can't understand why she kept organising things then not following through on them. I think having to take time off work and just the build up of weeks of the dcs being excited about this event made me say something (which was really very mild compared to the rants she sent back).

This is in no way your fault but in future you shouldn't have friend who you can't be honest with. Not saying anything when she let you down before and then paying extra etc must have made her think you were a right mug.

You were also a bit daft to have told your kids about the day out when she's been so unreliable before.

HanSB · 26/10/2022 12:34

She's done you a favour by removing herself from your life. She's shown her true colours, how nasty to take it out on your children. It's hard but you need to move on from this friendship. Mourn the person and friendship you wish you had with her but face the reality that she isn't the person you thought she was.

Fairyliz · 26/10/2022 12:43

I’ve found in life it’s never worthwhile calling people out on their bad behaviour because they never say oh sorry and change. After all, if we though we were wrong in the way we acted we wouldn’t act like that.
Instead they get aggressive like your friend or alternatively bitch about you behind your back. I generally just try and let contact with them drift or if I have to deal with them just keep it polite but neutral.

healthadvice123 · 26/10/2022 13:00

Surely her group has to have some regulations etc in place , she has to follow safeguarding all those sort of things so she can't just exclude for no reason

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/10/2022 13:15

butterfliedtwo · 26/10/2022 08:56

Agree with this.

Show quote history

Agree. If you patched this up ( apologised to her) she would only continue picking you up and then dropping you. She is cruel.
Its very sad that she's punishing your DC in this way after everything you've been through, but for that reason you are well out of this "friendship" and not letting it ever happen again.

I know this will be a blow because it's a good idea to focus on out-of-school friendships if a child is being bullied, but I don't think this one is a healthy option given your "friend's" nasty attitude - so its better to stay away.

I think this issue is separate to the issue of your DD being bullied at school, although it is so unfair on your DD. Can you speak again to her teachers What are they specifically prepared to do to stop the bullying at school?
Keep DD doing fun after school things as its important to have a life outside of school in these situations and help her build new friendships or encourage school friendships with non bullying children in her class. Could you also arrange play dates or cinema trips with some of her classmates? If your DD is being bullied, it is likely that others are too. Also, could she try something like an after-school acting/theatre group? These groups are better at encouraging participation than school plays and are generally friendly as everyone wants to be there, it can boost confidence and practice in speaking up.

CuriousMama · 26/10/2022 15:41

@Jennybeans401 what are you planning or can't you think straight? Hopefully you won't back down? She's bad news.

ShepherdMoons · 26/10/2022 15:42

I would put it behind you now, it's horrible to be treated like this by a 'friend' but sometimes you don't see people's true colours until you say 'no' or challenge them in some way.

Focus on your dd gaining more confidence like posters have said. This situation with your friend's dd would have eventually become unworkable in the future. If the mother tries to come between the friendship there would be no chance.

InstaHun88 · 26/10/2022 15:47

Confronting such people rarely works, just drop them in the future. Tbh I don't think the DD's friendship would go far anyway given how nasty the mother is. A 6 year old can be gently encouraged into other friendships and activities. Cut ties and move on. You're not unreasonable but you also have no other choice for your own sanity.

Rogue1001MNer · 26/10/2022 15:49

PrestonNorthHen · 26/10/2022 08:29

You find out someone's true nature when you stand up or say no to them.
Your " friendship" is reliant on her treating you badly.
Your DD will be influenced by this and learn to be treated poorly by others.
Take this gift she has handed you and walk away.

Beautiful final sentence 🙏

BernieBarks · 26/10/2022 16:11

PrestonNorthHen · 26/10/2022 08:29

You find out someone's true nature when you stand up or say no to them.
Your " friendship" is reliant on her treating you badly.
Your DD will be influenced by this and learn to be treated poorly by others.
Take this gift she has handed you and walk away.

Excellent advice ! So true ❤

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 26/10/2022 17:46

So far I've not done anything, I've not replied. I couldn't sleep last night and today just have a horrible anxious feeling in my stomach. I'm planning to post her key through her door later this evening, I don't want her to think I'm hanging on to it.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 26/10/2022 18:22

What a horrible person. The fact that she's punishing the kids says what sort of person she is. Yours better off with out her. I'd block and move on and maybe look for another hobby for dc.

Kissingfrogs25 · 26/10/2022 18:47

Yes, post the key back without a single word.
Block her and don't allow such horrible people to come back into your life.

Especially now, you do have to protect yourself and your children.
Forget about the activity there are million other things you can do instead that do not involve a manipulative user that hurts your children.

Friends shouldn't make you feel knotted up and anxious, she should be doing all she can to make things easier for you. It is quite unbelievable she could behave in such a way and direct her anger to your children. Honestly you are well shot of her.

CuriousMama · 26/10/2022 20:17

@Jennybeans401 try and relax. Maybe have a soak in the bath and listen to calming music. Don't let her do this. Take away her power. ❤️

Stephthegreat · 26/10/2022 21:11

What a bitch, I don’t never forgive someone who did that to my child. Adults are horrible sometimes

Greengagesnfennel · 26/10/2022 21:26

So sorry op this must be so stressful. There is no way you will be the first or the last person she has done this to. How old are your kids? If very young they will just forget and make new friends. If a bit older they will maintain their own friendships irrespective of what parents do. Either case means that this lady will long term have little impact on your kids. I know that doesn't stop the disappointment in what has happened but don't worry too much about your dc. It's her kids that are going to be the ones ending f* up.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 27/10/2022 09:51

Just posted her house key through the door, like many people here have said it's better to deal with this now than in years to come. It won't get better or change, she'll mess me about and could be more vindictive with my dcs (I've already seen how spiteful she is).

OP posts:
Meagainalready · 27/10/2022 11:08

Good for you OP
she is 100% the loser here as you sound like a great friend.
Im sorry your kids have got caught in her web of nastiness but you are protecting them by stepping back. Hope you are ok.

mamabear715 · 27/10/2022 11:12

What an utter bitch.
Be honest with your DD & let her see that you are upset too but it's not the done thing to treat people like this. Hugs, I know it's painful. x

billy1966 · 27/10/2022 11:16

Don't delete those messages.

Hang onto them.

If you hear anything negative back from others, forward her messages on.

You simply say that after receiving such vitriolic messages, you have no wish to be involved further with her.

Users like her think they can behave in any way they like and cannot cope when they are challenged.

Long term you have made a very wise decision.

If you think she is nasty now, imagine how nasty she could be if her daughter behaves similarly towards your daughter, and there was conflict.

Moving on is wise.

Wishing you well.