Flaky friend

[Jennybeans401]

I've known her for ten years and she's always been a bit flaky (she sets up meet ups, invites us over then the day or two days before her kids are unwell or she's got another reason not to meet up). I usually find out the day after that her dcs are well again and I feel a bit stupid. I've never really said anything though, just gone along with it because I value her friendship.

Three weeks ago my friend wanted to 'book' me and my dcs in for a playdate at her house in half term. It was a long way in advance but I agreed, my middle dc loves my friend's dd and my dd has had a horrible time at school with bullying do was looking forward to this meet up.

A week after my friend messaged to say she'd double booked us and they were going to an event in the city. She said we could come too if we wanted, she sent us the link and told us how to register. I agreed and booked this, my dcs were really excited about it. My dd in particular was very excited and I had booked a day off work so we could go.

Late last night friend messaged to say she thought she'd booked her tickets but she'd just checked and she hadn't. She said she couldn't book now because they were sold out. When I checked I saw there were tickets free, she then said she'd overscheduled and her dcs would be too tired to go.

I sent a message saying my dcs would be disappointed and that I would think carefully about planning something with her again. This was literally it, about two sentences. This then led to my friend sending two very long rants on WhatsApp about how she needed to put her children first, I was being difficult, she'd helped me so much through bereavement (I am still dealing with loss of my dh). I hadn't replied to this but she then removed my dcs from a sports group she runs and told us to find 'something else to do'. It was all very nasty and I'm shocked, I've paid my friend more than the fee for the group each time because my dcs love it so much. I've never asked for anything from her, she's offered help with childcare but I wouldn't accept it because I don't want to put on her.

My dd has very few friends and will be heartbroken. AIBU to think this reaction is totally disproportionate to a short message saying I was a bit unhappy about her cancelling again?

Did you get a refund for what you paid for the activity? Is she running it on behalf of the church? What a fucking despot!

@TootMootZoot she doesn't charge much for the activities she runs and I know she put her own time and resources in. I used to help out setting up and tidying up, paying a bit extra because she was a friend and I felt the activity was worth it.

She's probably taking something out on you knowing you are nice person and have already put up with a load of crap from her. Again, not a good characteristic in a person and I think you are well rid.

No. The malapropism made me chuckle (plaque instead of “plague). HTH.

@Fraaahnces the class is next Thursday so I was going to pay online tomorrow. Everyone pays weekly but sone of the people in the group were paying less and often would forget so I felt bad for her.

Well the rants change everything.
Screen shot them so she can't delete them and play mind games on you about what she said (she sounds the type to)
Tell people the truth about what happened if they ask
Find new, decent kind people to be friends with -I appreciate that may take time.
Be honest with your children about what happened and how she got nasty when you said something after she didn't book her own places. They need to understand what happened and why you won't be bothering with this lot so they can move on too.

I do hate these "after all I've done for you" types, how mean to involve your kids in it as well.

Some people can't cope and lash out when they know they've done wrong and are called out on it. Those people aren't worth having as friends.

V wise words indeed.

How old are dcs? I wouldn't tell them too much if they're very young. But if old enough to understand they do need to know. Shows you won't tolerate bad behaviour.

When I started reading your post I was thinking maybe she had depressive type issues-I’ve cancelled things in the past at short notice when I was really struggling….then I read further!!

Shes a nasty piece of work-bad enough to be throwing stuff at you about your sad bereavement, but then taking it out on your kids too!
It’ll be disappointing for the kids, but that will just be short term, from experience their friendship with her kids won’t survive you and her friendship break up.

As others have said it’s a teaching point for them in how friends should treat each other!

At least you and your kids can go to the event without fear of bumping into her!

Admittedly, I'm afraid of confronting most people, even in a jokey 'I'll be careful making plans with you again'.
It's just something about these type of people that they manage to always be right, never take responsibility and they make you feel like the bad person in all that.

Anyway, good riddance in the long term. Hope you dd is fine too.

She's probably reacted that way because she knows she's a rubbish friend.

@M2551 she's often cancelled on us I've not said anything to her. I've let a lot go really but just can't understand why she kept organising things then not following through on them. I think having to take time off work and just the build up of weeks of the dcs being excited about this event made me say something (which was really very mild compared to the rants she sent back).

drop her like a hot brick made out of dog crap

Block her and move on. Unfortunately your child will need to find another friend but better to bite the bullet now

She's shown her true colours there. Especially being willing to lie to you, pretending that tickets are sold out as an excuse then changing the reason when you've said no. First she made a plan with you, then changed the plan, you were happy to go along with that despite the new plan costing money, and then she bails. She sounds like a nightmare, you're well rid honestly.

The only thing I'd say would be... in the future, maybe bring this issue up earlier? It sounds like you've never said anything about the flakiness and therefore it was a big shock to her to learn actually, it does bother you. Don't let things build for so long in the future.

I couldn’t be friends with anyone who was spiteful to my children. Walk away and be happy you had a lucky escape. People like this rarely have true friends and without you to mess around she’ll move on to other people until she’s played out with everyone.

Think karma. She’s not much of a human being if she does this to someone still grieving the loss of her husband.

She's done you a huge favour. You're well rid.

Not the same woman but very similar. I had long, nasty messages, very personal stuff thrown in my face. All because I dared stand up for myelf.
You deserve better.

I am shocked and horrified on your behalf. She has shown you precisely who she is. I suspect she knows there is vulnerability due to your bereavement and grieving process she feels she can do what she likes, and behave how she pleases because of this. She is one of life's vultures I am afraid.

Now is the perfect moment to teach your children self respect. Tell them the absolute truth, do not sugar coat it, and tell them we won't be seeing them again, and mean it. Friends should never behave this way. Use this horrible experience as an opportunity for a life lesson for your dc, something positive to come out of it.

Your dd does not need friends like this op, she is better to have no friends at all.

In your position instead of the activity I would line up the most fabulous day out for your children. So when you have told them, have a surprise waiting for them!

I would start now sourcing new friends and support networks, remember you only need each other and kindness in your world. Raise the bar with who you allow in your world op from now on, don't allow this to happen again. The writing has been on the wall with this woman for years. You are stronger than you think, and sound like an amazing friend to have.

She is not a flakey friend, many people can be flakey but not mean to let others down. She is a first class vulture, she has no place in your life anymore op. Go and get the friends you deserve!

When someone shows you who they are then BELIEVE THEM. She's a nasty, spiteful bitch. Be honest with your child. Kids need to know that people are arseholes.

Her behaviour before and after this event shows how shoddily she treats you and your children. You all deserve so much better.
That kind of 'friend' chips away at your self worth and confidence over time.
I let go of a similar person and still miss her occasionally but not enough to tolerate the poor behaviour and let downs.
I'm sorry for the loss of your DH.
You sound a lovely person, loyal friend and strong Mother.
You will all be fine without her.

This is 100% vile of her, what a horrible thing to do 😨

Honestly you need to let her go and move on especially now your children aren't being hurt too. She's shown who she is and it isn't fair on them, protect them and drop her.