Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

He doesn’t “need” to do anything least of all on your say so

I would be telling your sister that you will not be forcing your daughter to share her room because as she said 14 year olds need their privacy and this applies to YOUR daughter in her own room. Maybe they could give up the guest room for their daughter and sleep in the lounge themselves! But in all seriousness I think she needs to realise that they’re guests in your house and they should be respecting your routines and allowing you family time too! Tell her you’re taking them out for family time and this also gives them a bit of time to themselves too…
Shes being unreasonable dictating to you when and where you eat and how to parent your kids… if she doesn’t like the set up she’s free to find another mug!

If the husband cant sleep on the sofa due to back pain /fair enough/ he should have looked into getting a mattress to put on the floor or on some kind of foldable bed frame to use in the living room. I jsut cant get my head round the fact that the parents take up a bedroom and leave their daughter in the living room like this.

Yes, because they are two different families. One of which is being put up by the other smaller family.

Well done, OP. Living with family again is very difficult and you should be proud of yourself for having them with you when they are having a difficult time. If you want to take your children out, then do that. If your sister is complaining about it then tell her she's free to move out. It would be far worse if you were ordering in and enjoying it in your own house :)

Is there a particular reason why they cant rent privately or get a mortage like the rest of us? Why are 2 grown adults looking for a council house? If theyre both working surely they could rent which would be pretty much instant?

It was almost predictable that the sister's husband would be the obstacle. Is he the reason they are homeless and penniless too?

I agree with 95% of everybody here. You are doing more than enough for your sister and her family. She is being very rude with her demands. She's sleeping comfortably. Let her give up her room for the DD who doesn't sound very darling. Your daughter does not need to give up her privacy for a cousin she's not close to and you certainly should not give up your time with your kids. They probably need the time without all the others by the end of the week. Your sister can explain to her kids that this is the situation while we are living with her sister etc. You are certainly not being unreasonable. Make sure she is still on the housing list or this'll turn into a permanent state. Keep the faith. 🙂.

OP is not forcing them to live with him. He offered a space. Sister isn’t allocating properly.

AIBU! Are you F! Without being patronising ( she said shortly before being patronising), I think you are the next Mother Theresa. You have taken your sibling ,partner and their children in , in honestly what sounds like an incredibly uncomfortable situation. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many bedrooms you have but having people staying, especially when there is no definite end date, can be draining after a few days never mind weeks/months. Your sister is obviously going thro’ a tough time and having a teenage daughter thrown in to the mix must make it worse. But, and it’s a big but, her family would be better enjoying their time on their own and allowing you and your very tolerant family some down time because, quite honestly, if they start to resent your family life and continue to make
unfair demands , then there will be a time when their stay may be abruptly shortened. You have done everything, literally, that you can do under such difficult circumstances and bloody hell woman, I applaud you 👏

It sounds as if everyone is now clear as to where they stand. January or one year, they’ll be in the same position so better sooner rather than later.

I really hope dsis really appreciates what you and your family have sacrificed, and will sacrifice for the 6 months they’ll have been there and that come January your bonds will be still good, rather than stretched and damaged.

Well done@tamarvin . That must have been a very difficult conversation for you to have with them. But I'm glad you did, and I hope that come January, they will leave and without malice.

I'm another who thinks you're a candidate for sainthood and your sister & husband are ungrateful, unreasonable and CF's.

No way should your daughter give up her one place of sanctuary! And no way should you give up your "us" time when you go out for a meal.

I think you're going to have to be very blunt with your sister and tell her that if she can't cope with the situation in the form that's suitable for you, she's welcome to go to Women's Aid while her husband goes to a homeless men's shelter! Or just tell her about the previous poster's friends who had to live in an actual garage.

Personally, I can't cope for more than a couple of days with even 1 visitor. I'd be sectioned if I found myself in your position! (My mum used to say visitors are like fish - after 3 days, they stink. I agree with her.😎)

@tamarvin I just saw that while I was away from my pc you'd posted that you'd talked to your sister and given the January deadline - must have been a painful convo, and once again, I salute you! I hope your kids know what an Ace dad they've got.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but what if your daughter shared with her brother, and your niece and nephew share a room?

Obviously not ideal, but perhaps better for both girls to be sharing with their younger brother (who can be ignored as necessary!) than a cousin who they don’t get on with.

If they boys are friends hopefully they won’t spend much time in their separate rooms but will be out in the communal area together, leaving the rooms clear for the girls most of the time.

I think there's some glaring middle class snobbery going on here, perhaps the hallmark of the English class system. People are struggling, government services are failing people, many will become homeless and need the help of their families. The idea that yes we'll take you in until your housing comes through but my children will not be inconvenienced by poor people and your teenage daughter will have to put up with an appalling lack of privacy with a house full of boys, is sort of patronising at best.

The idea that yes we'll take you in until your housing comes through but my children will not be inconvenienced by poor people and your teenage daughter will have to put up with an appalling lack of privacy with a house full of boys, is sort of patronising at best.

That's your takeaway after reading of this kind man's generosity and thoughtfulness towards his demanding sister and her family?

Oh please. Kindness? Taking people in but telling them to know their place? Kind of how people treat refugees.

Oh, perhaps you can squeeze this family of five in for the next year, then? No eating out with your own children, and no takeaways though.

The sister family is supposed to pay a rent, they have agency, they should be able to afford a quality sofa bed to cater for their needs. Buying a good bed will solve the "bad back" issue. That would be one piece of furniture for their new home. They have accepted a specific space. It was fine. Now that they are in, they want more. That is not workable. Within the space allocated there is enough provision for everyone to have appropriate privacy. Annexation of the weakest is not the way to go. And two girls teenagers fighting in the same room will not bring piece to the family system. Each girl having their room actually puts them on equal footing and the very fact that the parents put their children first by going into the public space is a sign to their children that that they count. Their parents are caring. The uncle is not a "saviour", next second he will become the persecutor. We know the triad. He is not the one who created this situation. He is there to help, they have to help themselves too.

Oh please, agency? I bet you walk past people living on the streets and lecture them about their 'agency'. This family may become homeless so you're almost there!

The nonsense here, OP is the next Mother Theresa?? Has England taken in anyone fleeing Ukraine...oh that's right Priti Patel told them they'll have to apply like everyone else, wait at the border, wait your turn, know your place.

Yes OP has been generous enough to take his FAMILY in because they are actually HOMELESS. But the TEENAGE daughter has to sleep on the couch where anyone can walk in on her. But I suppose she deserves it because she's poor.

Honestly, perhaps we should bring back workhouses so families don't have to put up with their poor relatives.

I suppose she deserves it because she's poor.

Geez, have you got a bee in your bonnet. Nobody is saying anyone deserves anything because they are poor. You're acting like the OP is a feudal lord who has taken in his sister's family off the streets. He has one spare room, two children of his own to raise and feed (and a dead wife), and has taken in a family of five, with just that one spare room. The initial arrangement was to house them for a year. I think that is generous.

Nobody actually knows why the sister and her husband and their three children are bunking in with the OP. Your assumption is poverty.

Oh, I'm sure the sister and her husband weren't happy about being told they'd need to find other arrangements by January!

The more I've read the more I've suspected the sister's motives, especially with her coming in and trying to throw her weight around. With OP's wife having passed six years ago and him still seemingly single, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if the pushy sister saw an opportunity. Girls in one room, boys in another, a third for her and her husband, and "waiting on council housing" for an indefinite period of time.

Stick to your guns OP, but be prepared for resistance come January.

Your nicer than me
Id have said a month tops, then get your own place - no exeptions, got nowhere? hotel. Me hubby and miss 12 are introverts who need our space or we all break down

They need to say thank you and shut up as you are doing them a huge favor
I wouldnt make my kid share her room or us give up our takeaway

If your daughter is anything like mine please don't force her to share, her room will be her sanctuary. You should also prioritise your own family time , keep the eating out. You are doing your sister a huge favour she is being unreasonable.

Tell her to take a hike... you're being very accommodating in all senses
It is, after all, your home, which you have been kind enough to share with her, not the other way around..