Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

Your sister sounds incredibly entitled, laying down the law in your house. And why do they think they will get a council house, again an example of entitlement. I'd give them notice now that they will have to find alternative accommodation, if you can bear having them until after Christmas, then tell them they have until end of January to find their own housing. You sound very kind, but when someone starts abusing your good nature it's time to assert yourself and put your family first.

If you were to lose your home by one way or another, sink hole hurricane etc and your sister lived in a four bedroomed house and she grumped that her children couldn’t eat their special dinner and her daughter couldn’t open her door …. Sorry sis your out before Christmas.

@tamarvin....how are you feeling now having read these replies?
Hopefully they've gone some way to answering your question.

You've done a lovely thing giving up part of your and your DC's home for family members.
They must have had some idea of the sleeping set up and realised that space would be a bit of a squeeze before accepting your offer of letting them all move in.

I agree with the majority of other posts, definitely YANBU.
But I notice most posts assume they must passively await someone else providing them with a home. Could they actively seek alternative accommodation? I think more people live in private rented accommodation than in social housing (which includes more housing association houses than council houses.)
If they really are so badly off that they are unable to get any other accommodation, then I do feel they are very lucky indeed to have the help they are getting. They ought to acknowledge that and behave accordingly.

When your daughter has to end up sharing accommodation with other people (whether during uni or as a young professional), she will have to deal with living alongside different personalities. If she can't reach an agreement about living situation with her own cousin, this doesn't bode well for her developing social skills. As a kid/teenager, I was regularly told to share my room with visiting family and was never asked permission for it. Granted, they were usually staying for weeks rather than months.

As for the weekly treat for your kids, I don't see why you should stop. Your sister might do well to think about how she could treat her own.

Whilst it's great that you can help out, please be aware that these things rarely work out.

My sister was in a similar position (just her and her 2 dogs) and I offered her somewhere to stay. Before this arrangement, we were super close - like best friends - and hardly ever argued and never fell out.

After 8 months, I asked her to leave and we've never really recovered from our falling out. At first it was similar things to your situation - personal space, different incomes, time with my family alone, being expected to give up things she couldn't afford etc. It is one of the few regrets in life that I have and a decision that I really wish I hadn't taken . I miss what we had and I know she does too. Don't get me wrong, we're close but I know it will never be the same again.

With regards to sleeping arrangements - if it was a few weeks, fair enough, but ofr that time period - I absolutely would not force my DD to share her room is she doesn't want to

Eating out - none of your sister's business. That is your family time. I wouldn't even discuss it with her. I'd maybe make it clear that every Friday, we won't be eating at home as that's our family night and we'll be eating out. Maybe suggest that the last Friday of each month, you all have take out night (as long as they can afford it).

I do feel for your niece but it's either she has to compromise or your daughter does and, as it's your home and your daughter's room, it should be your niece who has to compromise.

Maybe get a room divider screen and a camp bed (both always on ebay) and make it clear to everyone that it's her bedroom and nobody can access without her permission or eg you need access.

Good luck

YANBU. I have a 12 year old DD who hates being around lots of people and needs a safe space. She likes peace and quiet. We absolutely need to give our kids this space. I came from a generation where this meant you were ‘shy’ or ‘anti-social’ and forced into company. My DH is from a different cultural background to me and doesn’t recognise her extreme anxiety in big crowds. I have family gatherings at our house in order to enable her to ‘escape’ when it gets too much. Her room is her sanctuary and I would never allow anyone in it unless she wanted it

Just a little update for anyone interested

I talked to my sister and her husband about the situation. I told them the arrangement is not working out and that they could only stay until January. They were not happy with me changing our agreement, but that's not unexpected. Hopefully when the time comes everything will go smoothly. I am going to write a written notice to give to them in case.

I also suggested that they try sleeping in the living room themselves and give their daughter the spare room or my sister and her daughter share the bedroom and her husband sleeps in the living room with nephew. The main issue they have with those options is that my sister's husband has a bad back and would be unable to sleep on a sofa or inflatable mattress without it causing him physical pain.

My sister has accepted that I am not going to force my daughter to share her bedroom and is looking to see if she can find some cheap partitions that might be more private than curtains.

I agree and very fair suggestion

my goodness - now I feel even more grateful for the sister I have as there is absolutely no way she would expect my teen daughter to share with hers if we were having them all to stay for an extended period. you are being exceptionally kind and can let your sister know you and your children just need a break once a week. Perhaps you should set a deadline for their stay?

is there any reason your niece cannot sleep in same room as her parents on a blow up mattress? seems unfair for your family to be giving up the living room with dividers?

@tamarvin good move.

@uczcel I can't think of many situations beyond getting married or joining the military where the Ops daughter would need to share her bedroom with anyone.

So if she does find these partitions are you prepared to allow them to stay the full 12 months or did you make it clear to her that they will still need to find other arrangements in January?

@Thinking2022 I think she wants privacy away from her brothers and parents. We are not giving up the entire room. We are just going to block off a corner for her.

I think you've done he right thing @tamarvin .

It's a shame, because I don't think the situation has been easy for anyone involved in it (except perhaps the tow older boys), but ultimately your own children have to come first - and as others have said, ultimately it is for the benefit of your sister's family, too, as they will not be considered for a council home as long as they have a decent roof over their heads - and they need their own place as much as you do.

@AcrossthePond55 I did make it clear they can only stay until January no matter the sleeping arrangements.

You are a very kind sister

Ops a guy / brother.

I think you've handled this extremely well. Your sister and her husband are lucky you've helped them out but they really need to get their own place sooner rather than later.

@tamarvin Blocking of a corner will at least give her some space to call hers. Look on FB market place or BHF for second hand bookcases.

It’s not a foregone conclusion that she will end up having to share with people she doesn’t want to. I didn’t, and i’ve never deemed it a life skill that was vital to learn. It’s also not a reflection on her social skills. Actually, the fact that despite her introversion she’s able to express her needs and say a firm ‘no’ speaks well of them tbh.

That you were denied a say doesn’t mean that anyone else should consider that to be optimal, or seek to emulate your parents as if they exhibited particularly desirable behaviour in this.

Tamarvin, you've done the right thing by telling your sister she has to move out in January. Setting a firm date will be a great relief for your daughter and yourself.

I don't know, you sound like you're playing the martyr somewhat. You offer them accommodation and you are for the time being, a family unit with them. So you will have to adjust and act like a family with shared goals. You are treating your daughter like she's a crown princess, protecting her from the plebs. She needs to share her room and you need to accept that you made the offer to share your house until they have their council housing.

Lol, no she doesn’t. And they’re not ‘sharing the house’ as if they have equal stakes in it. It’s OP’s house, and he’s offered his sister use of a bedroom and a sofa. This was apparently acceptable to her before she moved in.

Anyway, he’s given them notice so his family will thankfully soon have their house back.

I think that's wise. Your sister may be upset with you for a bit at your change of plans, but in the end shortening the stay may actually save your relationship with her because I predict that this would only have been the beginning of the battles to come if they stayed the 12 months.