Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable, your daughter needs her own space and you and your children need time together too, don't let your sister bully you into doing what she wants, do you have a date for them to move? If she continues to complain suggest she looks for a short term private let whilst waiting? Good luck and stand your ground!

She's got a bloody cheek imposing any rules when it's YOUR house. She should be grateful you are allowing them to stay with you. Your daughter has a right to keep her room to herself.

Agree withtge poster who suggests that it may take much longer to get council housing, particularly if they have accommodation with you. Is your sister isn't happy she should make other arrangements, if she was somewhere else less suitable she'd probably be rehoused faster.
She sounds pretty selfish and ungrateful by the way!

I cannot see any mention of your sister paying any money to you towards staying? Presumably they paid rent somewhere before so where is their surplus income going?
Two options regarding the takeaway. Either sisters family pay for it every week in lieu of not contributing financially or you get a takeaway from a super market which is considerably cheaper and you can all sit round and enjoy it together. Food should be something that brings people together not divisive. Its very generous of you to accommodate your sister and her family but you really should have sorted these things out before they moved in. On the daughter front, I would ask her to share and reward her in some way for being so understanding ( on the QT). What would she want if the situation was reversed.

Not at the moment they won't!
Housing is dire.especially for a fam of 4.
In many areas right now we are having to use shares, b& b and hostels.its horrific.and you don't no a family will have a different place each night.
Housing availability is too shocking for words.
And often have to make families travel hours.oftwn a few times a week.
There is an ever increasing number of previously coping families beco.ing homeless atm.we are struggling massively. And currently trying to get out of season holiday parks to help out! This brings even more logistical nightmares though and the man power once again isn't there for it.
That bloke or work mate you see coming in his usual suit and smart tie,he's who we are week g now with his family in tow.and I can guarantee you it's not because he's done anything wrong but be long in a Tory government country

I haven’t read all of the feeds as there are too many so forgive me if I’m repeating what others have already said. Firstly I think you should remind your sister that this is your house and what a huge favour you are doing her letting her stay. Why are they homeless anyway? Secondly your daughter is at a sensitive age and if it had only been for a week or two it might have been okay for her to compromise and share but not long term in these circumstances. She also needs her own space. Thirdly surely the best idea is for your niece and her brother to have your spare room and her parents sleep down stairs since surely they go to bed later than their daughter. Finally just point out to your sister that you and your children go out to eat once a week as a well earned treat and for some private time with your own kids giving them some private time with their own children.

They would still be considered a priority for rehousing, due to the overcrowding.

I have lived in this situation before when I was a kid, my cousins had to stay with us while they were waiting to be housed by the council. It can be very difficult. It took months for my cousins to be housed.

I find it strange that your sister and her husband took the guest bedroom. Surely they should give the room to their children and they should sleep downstairs. The 14 year old definitely needs a room.

If it was my house I would probably get the boys in one room, girls in the other room and the 5 year old in with his parents. But that's me.

You're doing just fine, respecting your daughter's privacy and valuing the time you have with your children. Your children will love you even more for that and they're the ones that count the most ❤️ Your sister is a jealous bitch. You give her and her family a roof over their head - I bet you don't even ask for rent - and now she wants even more. I do hope they leave as soon as possible, but untill then, hold on to your own bounderies.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful man. I am sorry to read of your bereavement. I hope your sister is reasonable.

Tell your sister that you and your family are compromising enough allowing her family to live in your home, she certainly does not get to make demands or say whats 'fair'. If she doesn't like the situation then she can change it.

You sound like an amazing mum and a wonderful sister. Please don't let anyone make you feel otherwis 💖

Your sister sounds like an entitled c u next Tuesday frankly and should be ridiculously grateful to have a roof over her and her family’s head. Remember this is your home your money and your time to do as you see fit and if she doesn’t like it she should leave.

Your sister is a jealous bitch.

I think that's a bit harsh - she may be someone who sees her DD with no space of her own, all of her children with no/few treats, and sees the contrast between OP's children, and just wants he same for hers.

At the same time she should remember that she is being given a decent home with her brother's family, and that she can't expect their world to be entirely shattered to accommodate her family - they have had a lot of extra people thrust into their quiet world to start off with.

It is none of our business how or why they lost their home, or how much they contribute to the family budget - OP isn't asking our opinion on that - just on the reasonability of letting his DD keep her own space.

Just read some comments - great DADDY! Huge apologies for the assumption. I always forget men use this site too!

It’s your house your rules!! Your sister is forgetting your kindness!!

Why don't the children who are sleeping in the lounge sleeping.in their parents' room?

Exactly this! While I agree with the assertion that a teenaged girl needs privacy, and I feel for her, since it isn't her fault that the family is in this situation, it's up to her parents to alter their own accommodation and give up their room, not force another child to make accommodations for their daughter.

Yes . So her parents ought to give them their room in that case

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP. It sounds like you were trying to be extremely kind, and your sister has taken advantage of this. She also sounds like she lives her life for handouts:

1. Handout from the Council
2. Handout from yourself
3. Demanding you give more handouts

She really needs to provide a bit better for her own children.

I would allow the 14yr old to share with your daughter, but lay down ground rules that she must respect that space and everything inside it. I do think you need to teach your daughter how to show compassion to another teenager going through a hard time, to learn to deal with difficult people in life - How else will she do it as an adult? She can't ignore difficult people forever, or hide from them. It might teach her some really good coping strategies, and to see how lucky she is to have a stable home.

I can also empathise with your Sister; they are poor, don't have their own home for Christmas, everything is tense, anxious, awkward, tempers are bubbling.

Is there anywhere else you can send your Sister for Christmas? Get a bit or respite from her? Your own parents?

I wouldn't stop with the treats, though. It's not your fault your sister cannot afford the same living standards as you. You've shared your home, you've bitten your tongue, you've done enough.

The 14yr old in the lounge with no privacy, lots of boys, a grown man around...social services would have a field day. I would maybe suggest your BIL sleeps in the lounge, or put an airbed on the floor in their room? Actually, they really should put their children first...your sister seems very self entitled, thinking on it. Point out they should give the bed to their children and they sleep on an airbed. You can make their moving process quicker by telling the council you're overcrowded.

Goodluck, OP. You certainly need some!

YANBU your sister sounds rather demanding for someone who would otherwise be homeless. You have been pretty good to give your sister a home for so long. I love my sibling to pieces but i could NOT live with any of them for anymore than a week (i have 4 brothers and 5 sisters i lost one of my brothers he was killed) i am impressed you have managed for this long. i deffinatly wouldnt force your daughter to share her room. tell your sister if it bothers her so much she and her husband can give up their room for their daughter and sleep in the lounge

Your sister sounds like a right cheeky cow!!!!

I am assuming your sister is older? Don’t give in to her demands, you are offering them your home it’s your way or the highway. I think you need to set a date for their stay to end and check with the council how long it will take, as people say, they won’t be a priority if they are housed by you.

You sound lovely.

Agree with other posters, sister in the lounge and her daughter in the spare room if she requires privacy.

Harsh as it is, it's your sisters housing problem not yours. Why should your daughter be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home?

I would allow the 14yr old to share with your daughter, but lay down ground rules that she must respect that space and everything inside it. I do think you need to teach your daughter how to show compassion to another teenager going through a hard time, to learn to deal with difficult people in life - How else will she do it as an adult? She can't ignore difficult people forever, or hide from them. It might teach her some really good coping strategies, and to see how lucky she is to have a stable home.

bold assumption that the daughter not wanting to share her rooms means that she lacks compassion, or that it is the only avenue through which it could ever be taught. Bollocks to that tbh.

As an adult she can freely choose to decide to help difficult people, or not. If any difficult people in her adulthood felt entitled to encroach on her personal space I would personally hope she would choose the latter and not neglect her own needs.

The daughter doesn’t want to share, and shouldn’t have to. The fact that the cousin doesn’t have a stable home is not her problem to solve. Forcing it won’t teach ‘compassion’, but it will cement resentments towards not only the cousin, but the parent forcing her.

@MustWeDoThis
Can I suggest you read the Ops posts before you make any comments about his DD being lucky having a stable home.

OP your sister is definitely being unreasonable your children are your responsibility and it’s completely fair to prioritize your daughter if your sister has a problem she should leave and tell the council she need emergency accommodation I’m sure they’d give her one big bedroom hostel they can share since she wants to moan about privacy.

i think going out to eat instead is a very fair compromise especially as it’s more expensive than a takeaway.