Help me settle an argument - sex in the later years

[Peabrain12]

Me and DH are having a debate. I think as you get older sex sort of dries up. I’m perimenopausal I think and my drive isn’t what it was! Plus a few other heath issues and constant disappointment about my expanding waist, means I’m not up for it as much as I was.

DH thinks most men would do it every day if they could.

we started debating and I said I think this is just what happens and I doubt the 60-70 year olds in our life have much sex. After menopause does it slow down a bit?

or does the drive come back when you get older?!

You’re comparing apples and oranges there. Many women feel less inclined towards sex after menopause (but many also continue to enjoy it) but that says nothing about men, does it?

It doesn’t really matter what everyone else does. If your husband wants sex every day and you are not up for it as much as you were, how are you going to find a comprise that suits you both ?

have you seen a doctor about your heath issues ?
have you seem a counsellor about your body image issues ?
have you exploded other ways of restoring some of your sex drive ?
how could you husband compromise or change things ?

blimey! I am 60 this year and I certainly dont consider myself as being in my 'later years' and to answer your question, it gets better and better, no chance of getting pregnant, no kids in the house to disturb you, we can go to bed whenever we fancy or do it anywhere in the house because, no kids! brilliant

I mean I wouldn’t say it was an issue about body image. I just feel a bit chubby. I’ve had 3 kids. I work full time. Life is full on. I never ever get any “me time”! It’s very difficult to feel in the mood with all that goes on in our life.

This is a good point about no kids in house. I have 3 young ones. Maybe it will get easier!

During peri menopause and for a few years post menopause, many women's sex drive drops. I've found, like many others that then it comes back. Not as high as it was, but we have sex around three times a week. You'll find that once through you won't give enough of a shit about your body changes that it will put you off sex. You'd be surprised how many people in their 60/70's are still having regular sex. I know lots of women who have younger fuck buddies, they love their new found freedom. Who do you think are buying the intimate gels?

It depends, I became 100% asexual when I hit the menopause and divorced my husband because I could not contemplate sex any more.
My 80 year old neighbours are always at it, I can hear them through my bedroom wall.

It very much depends. I'm 50, my sex drive has been through the roof with peri, but I know there's a chance it may vanish in a few months. It doesn't for everyone.

I've been on Tinder this summer, and... some guys are not so different from young men, others suffer ED. Viagra can sort out much of that, but if they're generally overweight and unfit and maybe have other health conditions, then it's just going to be frustrating and will probably put both parties off more frequent sex, even if one of them actually wants it more.

So it very much depends on the individuals involved. Some older people have a fair bit of sex (more time with retirement and children having moved out can be a great help in this area, I've heard,) others have none. There's no definitive answer, because there are too many individual factors.

We're early 50's, both work a lot (eh 7 days a week) I'm perimenapausal, two teenagers in the house.
It's definitely slowed down here!
If day we average about once a fortnight.
I suppose everyone's circumstances are different though.
as long as both of you are happy then no problem.

How old are you OP ? I am 46,DH is 48, the amount of sex we have has been steady for about 10 or even 15 years. Neither of us show much sign of reduced libido.

The fantastic thing about sex after the menopause is not having to worry about contraception.

Ovestin is your friend! DH and I hadn’t had sex for 2 years due to me going through the menopause and being all dry, sore and disinterested.

Then I got some Ovestin cream from the doctor and I feel like I did in my 20s. It’s amazing! I never thought I would feel like this again.

Oh dear. You see this as a debate, a fun thing to chat about and get opinions on Mumsnet. Your husband is saying to you pretty clearly that he'd like to have more sex with you!

DH is on antidepressants and this affected his performance, so it stared to dwindle in his early 50’s. I stopped a few years ago due to his poor performance, and him not attempting to do anything about it.

I’m in the ‘would much prefer a cup of tea, thanks’ camp and would think that happened well before menopause, just from being too busy with work/kids, then it all stood no chance once menopause came along. Guessing I have been through menopause as would be a biological miracle at my age if not but have had no specific symptoms, likely due to Mirena which I don’t need for contraception but specifically keep replacing so I don’t get menopause symptoms as seems to have worked so far!

Yep, but I always thought sex was overrated anyway.

I’m in my fifties and we rarely have sex, which is fine by me. DH can’t manage an erection or keep it, so that solves any discrepancies in our desires. 😁

@TerraNostra I’m well aware he would like more… because he told me! He is understanding though and I trust he won’t run off and sign up to tinder.

Im interested in others opinions yes. Im hopeful it might come back again. I work too much and when I’m not working, I do child related stuff. Even my holidays… all used for childcare during school holidays. Money… used on kid stuff. Last time we went on holiday together abroad was 10 years ago on honeymoon.

we get very little quality time alone. If we manage to get a babysitter… it’s to do things like a show in london or a specific event. A jam packed day!

66 here, still very interested. DH and I have a long lie in once a week and two or three shorter and more spontaneous sessions too.

The few interviews I have ever read about sex from older men suggest it becomes less frequent for them.

For some men, you'd hope they would never have sex again, because of their behaviour.

'I think as you get older sex sort of dries up'

If you think like this then it will.

It shouldn't sort of dry up at all, intimacy is a really important part of a healthy relationship but so many cite 'being busy' as an excuse to neglect their sex lives. If you think like this then your relationship will really struggle.

I think health issues that you can't see play a part. If someone's had a heart attack, even a very mild one, they may be terrified of putting strain on their heart. So presumably that would kill any desire.

Totally unique to everyone, and will depend on a huge number of variables.

I absolutely couldn’t get enough during peri (there’s often a ‘last chance’ spike in libido), then it dropped right off as soon as I was in menopause.

I think it’s the physical changes that can be the enemy of your sex life in later years - if you suffer from any health problems, but particularly issues with vaginal pain or ED, sex can feel like a real effort. It’s not to say there aren’t easy solutions to those things, but it can be an additional barrier if your libido is declining anyway.

I know some women for whom it’s a relief and they’re really not arsed (and have heard of this being the case for some men), but I’d feel incredibly sad and as though I’d lost something important in my marriage if our sex life dwindled away to nothing. So again, depends how much of a priority it is for you, and you need to have some kind of mutual agreement around that or one of you could end up very frustrated and unhappy.

There’s definitely no particular ‘norm’ or time limit on it - my dad and his partner are in their 80s and they’re for sure banging at every opportunity, it’s just not something I really want to think about it 😂

We're mid 50s and have a lot less than we used to. Neither of us are that bothered. It's fortunate that we're on the same page.

I’m 61 and DH is 72. We have sex around twice a month and a very affectionate relationship, holding hands cuddles etc. suits both of us.

ED and health problems due to type 2 diabetes put stop to that, but late 50s it suits me fine, I couldn’t be with someone who would still have a sex drive. Yes I think I have turned asexual due to this. Maybe leave marriage and find someone else, that thought disgusts me now.