Help me settle an argument - sex in the later years

[Peabrain12]

Me and DH are having a debate. I think as you get older sex sort of dries up. I’m perimenopausal I think and my drive isn’t what it was! Plus a few other heath issues and constant disappointment about my expanding waist, means I’m not up for it as much as I was.

DH thinks most men would do it every day if they could.

we started debating and I said I think this is just what happens and I doubt the 60-70 year olds in our life have much sex. After menopause does it slow down a bit?

or does the drive come back when you get older?!

My desire for sex fell off a cliff around five years ago. I'm 59 and menopausal.
I can't have hrt due to health issues.
My husband has never had a high sex drive and his fell off a cliff at around the same time. He, like the poster above husband, had erection problems which we actually considered seeking medical help for.
However, we still share intimacy as in we still share kisses, cuddles and general affection.
The strange thing is, I was always frightened of losing my sex drive during menopause as a younger woman as I couldn't imagine life without it, but when it actually happened it didn't seem to matter.
I always think that so long as the love, respect and affection is there, then the actual sex doesn't matter. I can live without his doofer, but I couldn't live without his cuddles.
If that makes sense?

My DP and I are both 60+ (i'm a few years the senior) - when we were younger we were at it like rabbits and things have slowed down a fair bit as we've aged, but we have a regular and v. satisfying sex life still. I read somewhere once that there are 3 types of sex - procreational sex, recreational sex and maintenance sex. I am these days maybe more into the maintenance sex mode - it keeps the relationship intimate and also, "use it or lose it"!!

I cannot imagine our relationship without this level of intimacy. I don't think age has anything to do with it - if you still feel the spark you will continue to have sex.

I think the answer is compromise. You need to make sure he doesn't feel rejected (because that's an awful and irreparable feeling) and maintain intimacy (that doesn't necessarily mean full on sex). And he needs to 'dial it back a bit' so that you meet in the middle.

We used to be well matched, but dh in 50s now and has some ED issues. I am peri and sex drive is through the roof. I am v envious of friends whose husbands pester them.

I don't want to end my marriage, but the thought of another 30 or so years without sex is depressing. I don't need cuddles etc, but I do need to feel desired.

What I've learnt especially reading mumsnet is how many men there are who lose interest in sex so it's not always women, I've read so many threads on here about the woman needing more.
My dad was one but my mum realised it was because of her weight. So it wasn't that he didn't want sex, just not with how she looked until she lost loads of weight in her 50s and he was all over her again (but had been without for 15 years so my mum thought he was asexual!)

I've also learnt how many married men are on dating sites/hookup sites/using prostitutes. So don't just assume he'll be happy with nothing. You have to have a proper chat about it all instead of brushing under carpet.

Since I had my ovaries removed, I'm not in the mood very often, perhaps once a month on average.

Also can't women get testosterone during peri?

This has actually been quite helpful. Compromise is indeed they key. We’ve just had a chat and I will put more effort in. I guess a lot is I’m lazy/tired with such a busy life.

I guess it is nice that he still wants me! Even though I’m not confident about my body, he loves it.

and I hadn’t considered “rejection” being upsetting to him for some reason.

Sounds like you should get divorced.

@Luckydip1 helpful! I shall definitely consider this wonderful advice

We are both 60 but stopped having sex about 2 years ago. It wasn't a conscious decision and nothing was said and we're both happy with it. I have never had much interest in sex and always felt it was a bit of a chore so I'm glad I don't have to pretend any more,

There's always one 😂

I'm 53 and my husband is 37, we still have sex a lot and both still initiate it. I haven't as yet felt my libido declining.

I had a very high sex drive until the menopause but now it just doesn't interest me and I hardly ever feel in the mood. I love my husband and he is very understanding but I feel awful that this impacts on him in a negative way. I also griev e the loss of desire for myself as a very pleasurable part of life has just gone.

as you get older sex sort of dries up

Without wanting to seem inquisitive, I would need to understand a lot more detail about what 'sex' means here.

PIV which starts with man's desire and finishes with man's orgasm is one thing. Even worse if he refuses to finish until the woman has orgasmed (or perhaps faked it to get it to stop).

If you separate out the process for achieving orgasm for each party, I think you might notice it gets more difficult for men as they get older (see viragra etc) whereas woman's orgasm is not impacted in the same way

Natural lubrication in women might reduce with age but that is a very trivial thing to resolve. If at least one of you has worked out how to achieve woman's orgasm, I don't think it will reduce with age.

What should reduce is women's willingness to allow themselves to be used as a wank sock. Or to be expected to carry a more than fair share of the household and parenting burden, so that a man's desire for sex becomes just another damm thing that needs to be done, without any good outcome for her (see above)

Hope that helps.

It would be interesting if it were possible to get honest answers to know how many people expect to orgasm every time they have 'sex'. Id hazard a guess that it would be 'most men' and some women but lots of women who don't actually know how to bring themselves to a satisfactory orgasm or think if it somehow more 'romantic' to leave that responsibility to their partner.

There are been attempts to research these questions but they are all fraught with difficulties, including people not even knowing what the objective truth is.

It's complicated.

If you look at the animal kingdom, animals who aren’t fertile don’t voluntarily have much sex, they just don’t. Females get more dry and less horny. Some still want it, most don’t.

I'm mid 50s and have no idea where I am with the menopause; the coil stopped my periods years ago.

I'm single and have gone off sex for the time being. I'm not someone who wants to wake up to the same person more than once or twice. Sourcing pretty, young men is tiring and time consuming. I hope my sex drive stays gone 🙏

54, partner is 52 and we've not had sex for about 3 years now. He takes a high level of antidepressants and his libido has gone (he says). Mine disappeared at about the same time as the perimenopause really started to kick in.

I make sure to have a conversation with him every so often about the situation to make sure we are both still on the same page - not being bothered that we aren't having sex. We don't live together due to his work, so it would be easy for either of us to having it 'on the side' if we wanted to...so I have to trust that he's being honest when he says he's not interested in sex with anyone!

To be honest I thought I'd be well into the actual menopause by now, my mother had gone through it by the time she was 50, but I'm still having periods...there can be a long gap between them but it is still happening. I really wish they'd just go for good!

i do think about less .. thanks to a pot belly… mine.
i also am much more comfortable in saying no I’m not interested. So the decline is two fold. Don’t want to and don’t think about it.

@Peabrain12 generally a sexless marriage is an unhappy one for at least one of the two partners regardless of what they might say, probably because they can't face getting a divorce so just put up with their sexual frustration poor things.

Just to add a thought. I got divorced in my mid forties. At that point, I considered myself not too bothered about sex.
I have been with my current partner for nearly 4 years and the sex is fantastic and frequent (I am approaching 50).
However, there is no doubt I am making more of an effort and I think I very much let that slip at the end of my marriage. (I'm shaving my legs, decent knickers etc 😁and it is not because I have to, it's because I like to, and he makes an effort too - although doesn't shave his legs!).
Obviously we cannot all be at our best 24/7, it would be exhausting, but I do think intimacy needs a bit of work and effort sometimes.

I’d say the fact that STI’s in retirement communities are a concern would seem to support your husband’s case.

Here’s a quote from the second link

Eight out of 10 people aged 50 to 90 year olds are sexually active, according to research published by the British Medical Journal, and the number of STD cases in that age group more than doubled in the past 10 years.

www.forbes.com/sites/claryestes/2020/02/26/historic-high-rates-of-stis-among-older-americans/?sh=54151b714c39

www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiTk6Ob8vj6AhXKmWoFHQOTBdwQFnoECAsQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fseniorhousingnews.com%2F2012%2F02%2F08%2Fbooze-sex-stds-in-senior-living-facilities%2F&usg=AOvVaw2x0vPXO0u4eyp8AK7eAFWS

The couple in their 70s I can hear through my bedroom wall have sex 1-2 times a week and have done consistently for as long as I can remember. When I was married in my 20s, my sex drive was very low and my H was on medicine which made it hard for him to get an erection, we rarely had sex. It's not all down to age!

I'm 60 and my wife is 76, two to three times a month for us. We both want much more, but alas, there are serious medical complications on both sides. It is what it is.

It depends. I'm peri menopausal now, I'm guessing older than you and having plenty thank you very much, my drive is higher than Dp's if anything.

Kids being grown makes a big difference, as does being in a newer relationship (3 years in my case).

Yes health problems can curtail some activities in later years but not intimacy more generally. Plenty of couples have drifted apart, that's the sad truth, it's not their age

To add a little levity to this topic. My husband and I were getting ready to have sex when we were first dating. It happened that I had foot surgery a couple of weeks before, still wearing the surgical shoe and he was wearing a knee brace to help with a slight strain. So as we turned down the lights a sudden cacophony of Velcro could be heard as we removed our various medical devices.

I whispered to him “Is this what old people sex is like?” Neither of us could stop laughing 😂I’m not even sure if we managed that night with all of the giggling and ‘ouches’ from our various ailments