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Original poster

Help me settle an argument - sex in the later years

163 replies

Peabrain12 · 24/10/2022 08:42

Me and DH are having a debate. I think as you get older sex sort of dries up. I’m perimenopausal I think and my drive isn’t what it was! Plus a few other heath issues and constant disappointment about my expanding waist, means I’m not up for it as much as I was.

DH thinks most men would do it every day if they could.

we started debating and I said I think this is just what happens and I doubt the 60-70 year olds in our life have much sex. After menopause does it slow down a bit?

or does the drive come back when you get older?!

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 10:24

Luckydip1 · 28/10/2022 17:56

@Goldencarp a marriage without intimacy is no more than a friendship and probably a miserable one at that.

Does that imply that if your not having sex with your friends then it's a rubbish friendship

Luckydip1 · 29/10/2022 10:31

@BigFatLiar I don't know how you reached that conclusion. No it becomes a friendship where one person is frustrated because they are not feeling wanted due to the lack of intimacy from their partner and the other minimises it to the point where they convince themselves it's all fine and nothing to worry about.

StarlightLady · 29/10/2022 10:47

The OP has not defined later years. I'm in my 40s and getting laid quite regularly and feel the need to do so. My feelings have not changed since I was about 15.

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 10:52

Does that imply that if your not having sex with your friends then it's a rubbish friendship
You are twisting things, sex is the thing that makes the relationship different from friendships and absolutely every other relationship you have.

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2022 11:01

@Forzatesoro I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have anything radical to share and haven't had the same level of trauma so do ignore if what I say is ignorant or unhelpful (or tell me so, that's fine). I do find physical wellbeing through long walks (ie whatever is long for me now plus a mile or so) and through other exercise, particularly swimming, or through massage. After my husband died I had an absolutely ridiculous massage habit, I was of course lucky to have the money. But I do think walking, most weekends in a loose WhatsApp group of women, did more for me than anything else. The slow rhythm, the building up of strength, the fresh air, finding that my body could get fitter and stronger. All very healing.

I was also lucky that ds was old enough when ds died that this was all manageable, ie I could leave him to his own devices or with friends at times.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 11:02

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 10:52

Does that imply that if your not having sex with your friends then it's a rubbish friendship
You are twisting things, sex is the thing that makes the relationship different from friendships and absolutely every other relationship you have.

The point I was making is that friendship without sex is a miserable friendship according to the previous post.
We still have sex, not as often as in the past, and though it may sound funny we do enjoy cuddles etc. Without sex he'd still be my best friend who I share my life with and yes I'd still be happy. The idea of a marriage without sex being a miserable friendship is just wrong.

Luckydip1 · 29/10/2022 12:02

@BigFatLiar you may be happy but I bet he is frustrated and miserable inside, but unwilling to deal with getting divorced.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 12:46

Luckydip1 · 29/10/2022 12:02

@BigFatLiar you may be happy but I bet he is frustrated and miserable inside, but unwilling to deal with getting divorced.

We're the strange old couple you see in tesco shopping together or walking down the street holding hands. We're both quite happy with the way things are though he could do with being in better health but not a lot you can do about that.

ArcticSkewer · 29/10/2022 12:49

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 12:46

We're the strange old couple you see in tesco shopping together or walking down the street holding hands. We're both quite happy with the way things are though he could do with being in better health but not a lot you can do about that.

Show quote history

That's nice to know. All my friends in their 60s who are having affairs say how often they are complimented when out and about on their 'young love vibes' when they are mistaken for an old married couple. Good to know at least one of those sweet hand holding couples is actually married to each other!

Luckydip1 · 29/10/2022 12:52

@BigFatLiar sorry to hear your DH is not in good health. Sex and intimacy generally improves a relationship so worth working for that's all I'm saying.

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 13:45

We're the strange old couple you see in tesco shopping together or walking down the street holding hands. We're both quite happy with the way things are though he could do with being in better health but not a lot you can do about that
Or you could be the strange old couple where the DW thinks everything is fine with the way things are but the DH is actually dying inside from lack of sexual intimacy.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 14:00

MovingOnUpp · 29/10/2022 13:45

We're the strange old couple you see in tesco shopping together or walking down the street holding hands. We're both quite happy with the way things are though he could do with being in better health but not a lot you can do about that
Or you could be the strange old couple where the DW thinks everything is fine with the way things are but the DH is actually dying inside from lack of sexual intimacy.

We have naps on the afternoon together, he's more than welcome, same at night. In ye olde days we were very active, it's not that there's no sex just less but we do spend time with less sweaty or tiring intimacy.

SavoirFlair · 29/10/2022 21:31

There’s some folk on here where I wonder if they went along with all of the sex stuff in the early days of meeting someone, just because it was expected or because they wanted to feel desired, but they never had any dimension of being a sexual being so to speak, who has imagination and masturbates and has desires independent of just connecting with a person that ticks boxes in front of them?

I just feel sorry for the men who are with these folk because surely after the first couple of “sealing the deal” years, that person is then effectively shutting down. Knowing they never really wanted sex long term, but happy to go along just to find intimacy and a relationship with someone else. Meanwhile that other half is in for a hell of a shock when he realises “ah…” I’m a few years.

ArcticSkewer · 29/10/2022 21:48

And that's why divorce (or open marriage) is so great
Imagine being stuck for life like that.
Reddit Dead Bedrooms is full of them. Same story. As you describe. Takes them years to leave

Forzatesoro · 31/10/2022 21:47

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2022 11:01

@Forzatesoro I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have anything radical to share and haven't had the same level of trauma so do ignore if what I say is ignorant or unhelpful (or tell me so, that's fine). I do find physical wellbeing through long walks (ie whatever is long for me now plus a mile or so) and through other exercise, particularly swimming, or through massage. After my husband died I had an absolutely ridiculous massage habit, I was of course lucky to have the money. But I do think walking, most weekends in a loose WhatsApp group of women, did more for me than anything else. The slow rhythm, the building up of strength, the fresh air, finding that my body could get fitter and stronger. All very healing.

I was also lucky that ds was old enough when ds died that this was all manageable, ie I could leave him to his own devices or with friends at times.

Thank you for the lovely reply. I was getting regular massages up until the pandemic arrived. I do miss them.
I go to the gym a couple of times a week but I do need to walk more.
It's like I've frozen somehow.
I'm very sorry for your loss x

pinkpotatoez · 31/10/2022 22:00

Probably because men get a guaranteed orgasm every time.

667TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 31/10/2022 22:24

I definitely became less interested in sex going through peri menopause but I also felt terrible irritable and depressed. I spoke to the doctor as I felt like a completely different person and started HRT patches plus testosterone for low (non existent) libido. This really really helped and please don’t be embarrassed speaking to your doctor about this. I realise this is not every woman’s experience after menopause but it is very common. It’s not just helped me with libido it’s helped enormously with my quality of life. I think sex is a really important part of a relationship and I really hope to be still doing it when I’m 80 or as long as I can. I think men do slow down a bit but it’s not usually as sudden as menopause more a gradual thing

667TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 31/10/2022 22:39

Peabrain12 · 24/10/2022 08:50

I mean I wouldn’t say it was an issue about body image. I just feel a bit chubby. I’ve had 3 kids. I work full time. Life is full on. I never ever get any “me time”! It’s very difficult to feel in the mood with all that goes on in our life.

Also meant to say can you afford a cleaner or can your DH help a bit more? Being constantly exhausted is not going to help anyone be in the mood. You do sound like you have a lot to do, getting extra help if you can will improve your quality of life not just relating to the sexual side of it.

Harainee · 31/10/2022 22:57

OP, I'm with pp upthread here. If you're happy, you do NOT need to be 'fixed' so you want sex more. Those options are there is you feel you would benefit, but many choose not to.

It's apparent from this thread that people's experiences vary from all DH/DP will secretly end up trying to secure sex through whatever online means possible, to DH/DP's being happy to let other types of intimacy take the place of sex quite happily.

As with women, men are not all alike. Some hate porn. Some are ambivalent about sex. And so on.

If you and your DH are mismatched sexually now or in the future, it is NOT a given that he will therefore want sex elsewhere. The posters trying to persuade into sorting out your sex drive in order to stop your man from cheating on you obviously have a different set of life experiences to the ones reassuring you that men are perfectly capable of behaving decently, even if they're not being served up sex when they want it.

Keep talking to your husband, and sharing your feelings together, but don't feel pressure from anywhere: you are in charge of your own sexual journey at every stage.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 01/11/2022 07:12

Luckydip1 · 24/10/2022 13:41

@Peabrain12 generally a sexless marriage is an unhappy one for at least one of the two partners regardless of what they might say, probably because they can't face getting a divorce so just put up with their sexual frustration poor things.

But if you're asking your OH a genuine question and they tell you they're happy, and there's no signs to the contrary, you can't just assume they're lying because it doesn't fit your idea of a typical relationship.

I'm not sure what the answer is, because I'm sure in the majority of relationships a lack of sex is a problem... but if you're spouse is telling you they're happy and that aligns with their behaviour you need to trust them - not least because if you start doubting/second guessing everything they say what kind of relationship is that?

Luckydip1 · 01/11/2022 07:32

@EnterFunnyNameHere often partners don't want to rock the boat and will go along with their OH but that doesn't mean it is what they want to do, in much the same way that partners often stay in rubbish marriages and don't say anything because they want to avoid conflict and can't facing getting a divorce.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 01/11/2022 08:03

Maybe they are weighing up what they might actually gain from going off and looking for someone new to have a sexual relationship with against everything they would stand to lose (the lifelong friendship, someone who knows the well, grandchildren - as well as the finances) and find it wanting?
Of course the ideal is that everyone could improve their current relationship to give both parties full happiness but life is often about compromise.

Zebedee55 · 01/11/2022 08:51

We are well into pension age and still enjoy regular sex. I've been on HRT for many years, and have never lost my drive.

Obviously it changes over the years, and becomes more about closeness than physical gymnastics, but we both still orgasm, so all good.👍

Bur generally, it's not all about sex - it's about affection towards all other.

Rhondaa · 01/11/2022 09:27

'Bur generally, it's not all about sex - it's about affection towards all other.'

No it isn't all about sex and when people have a full healthy relationship then sex is a small part of it however when one person decides sex is no longer on the agenda and constantly rejects the other I would imagine it becomes a large part of an unhappy relationship.

DonnaBanana · 01/11/2022 09:28

sex is the thing that makes the relationship different from friendships and absolutely every other relationship you have.

Absolutely, with the exception of sharing a household, having a financial connection, being socially obliged to provide for each other in times of trouble, having and raising children together, the expectation the other one won’t enter another similar relationship, and a few trivial things like those.