Help me settle an argument - sex in the later years

[Peabrain12]

Me and DH are having a debate. I think as you get older sex sort of dries up. I’m perimenopausal I think and my drive isn’t what it was! Plus a few other heath issues and constant disappointment about my expanding waist, means I’m not up for it as much as I was.

DH thinks most men would do it every day if they could.

we started debating and I said I think this is just what happens and I doubt the 60-70 year olds in our life have much sex. After menopause does it slow down a bit?

or does the drive come back when you get older?!

Don't do anything you don't want to do.

But as we get older, we have time on our hands and no imperative other than to enjoy as much of life as is left.

Oh do be serious.
If you're basing marriage on sex then I feel sorry for you.

I agree but it's not a popular opinion on Mumsnet.

You say this based on what? It’s far from true when both partners lose their libido - and if my circle of 60+ friends is anything to go by, it’s more common than not. None of us are planning to leave our long happy marriages.

Whatever it is for other people I’d make sure on a good compromise with DH. Tbh if you have 3 young kids I imagine you’re in your 40’s and I’d be upset to think my sex life was dwindling at that age.
If it’s important to him and happiness it’s important to the marriage. It’s an awful lonely place to be when your partner is not interested in you. Be mindful of that and try and find something that works for you both.

@Blossomtoes I think you are being naive if you believe that.

@Mentalpiece you are mistaken for thinking sex isn't an important part of marriage.

I hope not. At 40+ I'm having the best I've ever had and I'm hoping this continues/increases in a few yeas when I become an empty nester.

True its difficult. How old are you both OP?

Age is key because if you were 20s people would be flocking and telling you to leave...usually these sex issues always had a red flag right from the start.

@Blossomtoes
"You say this based on what? It’s far from true when both partners lose their libido - and if my circle of 60+ friends is anything to go by, it’s more common than not. None of us are planning to leave our long happy marriages."
Yes, if both partners lose their libido then there's not a mismatch. But if one partner loses their's, and in effect enforces celibacy upon the other, then that does inevitably lead to an unhappy marriage!

Wise words!

DH doesn't want to do it every day now and he's in his prime 😂 TTC was stressful for him. He'd do like once or twice a week where as I'd like double that.

At the moment we have very little at all cause new baby.

We'll have to see how it changes as we age.

A common theme here is that stressed, busy and run-ragged women don't feel like sex and once we get to our 40s and 50s we can blame the menopause.

If men did their fair share at home, things would be very different. Women would have more time to look after themselves, exercise, eat well, they would feel healthier, not tired, more energetic and and hence more desirable. And then they would be up for lots of sex.

@THisbackwithavengeance

It is, but it's not the be all and end all of it.

Menopause is to do with hormones not exercise diet etc or men helping at home. If not HRT would not exist.

I'm peri, hrt and vaginal estrogen have made a huge difference to sex life. Kids are all nearly high school or above so more time for us too.

I do think sex goes through different stages for every individual and a long marriage has to find ways to accommodate that.

I thought I'd never want sex again if I ever became single, but when I was widowed it turned out my sex drive became frenzied. Hard to distinguish from the 'last chance' surge of peri as I'm 53, but I'm sure it was mostly emotional as it was literally 0-60 in a few days. Yes of course hormones matter but we are much more than our hormone levels. Nothing is 'inevitable'.

I'm late 50s, and would have sex several times a day if I could (I don't live with my partner so I don't get to). It's very individual, I would think.

I agree with those who say that you should try to compromise with your DH.

No holiday for 10 years? Tell him you’re exhausted and maybe he should think about arranging the occasional weekend away for you two…

Sorry I can't relate. I wish there were threads with post menopausal women in their 60s saying they wish their sex drive would calm down. I've never taken HRT and cant get enough of my DH, he still excites as much as ever just looking at him. Thankfully we both feel the same. There's no drying out here. Please can anyone tell me they're similar cause it makes me feel unusual when I read these threads.

My DP died 2 years ago, but we were having regular sex right up until then. I'm 67, he was 5 years younger.

I miss it terribly, but can't imagine having sex with anyone else.

Sex doesn't 'dry' up in the later years, as long as both parties are healthy and sex doesn't hurt and you still get on with each other, sex still gets better and better.

In your opinion. It’s so annoying when people come out with stuff like this as if the world wasn’t full of people who are different and whose experience is valid. That may be your experience, it’s far from universal.

sex still gets better and better.

As a PP said, that's your opinion. There are many people for whom that definitely isn't the case - myself included. I've never enjoyed sex and saw it as a chore. I'm very relieved that it isn't a thing in my life any more.