Help me settle an argument - sex in the later years

[Peabrain12]

Me and DH are having a debate. I think as you get older sex sort of dries up. I’m perimenopausal I think and my drive isn’t what it was! Plus a few other heath issues and constant disappointment about my expanding waist, means I’m not up for it as much as I was.

DH thinks most men would do it every day if they could.

we started debating and I said I think this is just what happens and I doubt the 60-70 year olds in our life have much sex. After menopause does it slow down a bit?

or does the drive come back when you get older?!

I'm I peri, but 52, periods are still happening, sigh. My libido has been dreadful for years but it all started from when the kids were younger and we wouldn't get any time together and along with peri it all started to go a bit awry. Peri, and menopause bring with it all sorts of ailments so it's no surprise the last thing I feel like is sex. I do all the right things but the inclination still isn't there. I do enjoy it when it happens but instigating it isn't high on my agenda! I'm very lucky that my hubby is still very tactile and loving despite probably being sex starved.

I'm not sure why you are so confident he won't outsource via tinder or similar. A lot of married men in their 50s and 60s are online - whole websites are dedicated to married dating for this very reason. Your husband may be more trustworthy but a quick look at somewhere like IE shows a lot of men in their 60s (and women) are still very interested in sex while their partners are not. So I wouldn't say that desire changes much for some people over the years.
I left my husband in my mid40s so my libido came racing back. If you're married a long time, for women that leads to boredom that leads to lack of libido. Men don't seem to suffer the same problem.

Testosterone levels fall with age. My bloke’s sex drive has definitely gone into decline, thank God.

It doesn't surprise me that your sex drive is suffering in these circumstances. I'm well south of menopause yet and I think mine would too, if I were that tired and distracted.

I'm not sure why you are so confident he won't outsource via tinder or similar. A lot of married men in their 50s and 60s are online

There are loads of married men put there, I agree. Some are upfront about it, others fail to mention this inconvenient little detail...

I'm early 50s and my libido also still very healthy from mid 40s onwards. (was in a dying relationship before that but sill wanted sex!). No signs of stopping now, although I don't currently have a partner. When I have been in relationships, we've had lots of sex. (It helps I think that I don't live with a man - I find they're much more appealing then!).

OP there are lots of married men on the dating sites all citing dead relationships, lack of sex etc as their reason for being there. And they're the ones that are open about it! It really doesn't matter what we tell you though, it's what you and your partner think is important.

I'd tread a little cautiously OP. Are you sure he's on the same page as you? Have you talked things through? Just because your libido is dwindling doesn't mean his isn't or that he's happy with that! Would you be happy with an open relationship?
To answer your question. When I was married to abusive ExH I had no desire whatsoever and would find ways to avoid sex. But with my current partner we can't keep our hands off each other! We're in our fifties and have been together 8 years.

DH was never that bothered about sex. If you have the same sex drives it doesn't matter. And lots are more into porn and can't be arsed to have sex even if the opportunity presented itself. Then loads of men are stressed and overweight which leads to lower/non-existent libido. So I don't think your husband is correct.

I'm 73 my partner 68 we regularly have sex and love it!

And yes, it is entirely natural for interest in sex to tail off. As I say, it doesn't matter if you are on the same page. We are mammals and programmed to reproduce so of course sex drive wanes when you have reproduced and it might not be a good idea to have more children. Call it natural contraception.

I'm sure being with a new or newish partner will affect how often you want sex.

When you reach a certain age your interest in a new partner often declines too. Most of my friends say that if their bloke died they’d never want another man.

This. Lots of people put up with rejection until someone else comes along who shows interest in them, then suddenly they aren't on the same page at all

Your female friends perhaps, I bet their spouses wouldn't go along with your theory.

I'm 53, husband 69 and we haven't had sex in over 3 years. We do kiss and cuddle etc just don't feel like having sex. It suits us both. Been together over 15 years.

How’s it a theory? Obviously a lot of men won’t agree, they gain much more from a relationship than women do. They’re stuffed if there are no women who’ll take them on though!

I feel the same. Thought HRT would help but it hasn't

Obviously a lot of men won’t agree, they gain much more from a relationship than women do. They’re stuffed if there are no women who’ll take them on though!

Quite. I think many women enjoy not getting involved in domestic drudgery a second time round. A boyfriend might be ok but I'd never want to live with a man again.

Ok so what I’m hearing is I need to up my game and change how I feel because my husband might run off with a tinder date or someone from the office.

why can’t he tone down a bit? It does always seem to be the women that need to bend over backwards like some 50s housewife to “keep the man happy”

I’m 50 and it wouldn’t bother me if I never had sex again. I’ve always preferred going solo anyway. Sex is too much faff.

I think I'd feel that too, if it happened to me.
certainly not to live with!
I mean more that if you've been together 5 years at 65 I'd expect there to be more sexual desire than if you've been together 35 years.
There will obviously be exceptions!

It's up to you. I don't think anyone is saying what you have to do.

I was saying what many married men in dead bedrooms do. And married women in the same situation (because sometimes it's the man who loses libido). They don't want to leave their marriages, so they outsource. Tbh I don't see why it would be a problem if it's not something you are interested in but you want to stay together.

You're asking about a natural process of libido and waning desire, so I don't think it can be 'toned down a bit' that easily if nature isn't designed that way for him

Yup. I have no plans to live with a man. Why bother?
But I wouldn't, currently, give up sex. Happily it's pretty easy to find compatible partners online.

I agree with you

Why should the partner who isn't so keen on sex have to be the one who compromises?

'Ok so what I’m hearing is I need to up my game and change how I feel because my husband might run off with a tinder date or someone from the office.'

No, rather intimacy is important and constant rejection is unpleasant whether you're a man or woman. You don't need to up your game just stop with the enabling 'sex dries up when you get older' idea based on the fact you're busy.

Some people have medical problems, some may be in abusive relationships. There are many reasons people don't have sex with their dp. Because they've been busy shouldn't be one of them.