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Original poster

CM payments and cost of living

247 replies

Tuniplobby · 24/10/2022 00:30

As far as I know the CM calculator doesn't take living in high cost areas such as London into consideration?

My friend's ex has recently gone through CMS and he now has to pay about £40 more a month which doesn't seem much but is the difference in affording the petrol and cost of feeding the children when he has them one weekend a month (6 hour round trip to collect and again to drop off) he moved back in with his parents who live in London after the split, over a hundred miles away from the children as he couldn't afford to private rent and had debts.

His ex wanted him to take them more weekends too but there's no chance he can even visit now which has devastated him.

Is an extra £40 really worth your children not seeing their dad just to get what you're 'entitled to'?

OP posts:
ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 26/10/2022 08:49

I bet he can't believe his luck, having found a woman who not only believes all his bs but is on a crusade to show how hard done by he is. Just remember this in a few years when it's your kid he pays the bare minimum for and can't be bothered to see.

NextPrimeMinister · 26/10/2022 08:51

DoubleBuggyDriver · 26/10/2022 06:40

If he needs the £40 so desperately in order to see his kids, why don’t you give it to him? It sounds like you have all the answers and I’m not sure why the mum should have £40 less than what she’s entitled too?

It sounds as if it’s the mum who has the kids full time so it doesn’t matter whether she’s met someone and isn’t struggling. He should contribute towards his kids because well, they’re his kids. He lives with his parents and pays £400 rent? He can’t even ask his parents if he can lower the amount to £300 so he has £100 spare to be able to visit his kids? Come on now

The elderly, dementia riddled parents need the £400 to pay for the takeaway the have every night (forcing the poor wee fella to eat ready meals).

OP, you sound incredibly naive and falling for every bullshit line he's telling you. Honestly, throw him back.

pumpkinelvis · 26/10/2022 08:52

He can't cook 😭 he's sounding more pathetic by the minute.

Who was caring for his dementia parents before he magically moved in? Who was doing their shopping? If that really both have dementia then they need a social care assessment.

caringcarer · 26/10/2022 08:56

In West Midlands he could rent a room in shared house all bills included for £400 pcm. He would just need to buy food. There are many jobs available for £10.50 an hour with overtime available too and with subsidised canteen with hot meals for £1.25. No car needed as can walk or cycle to work. Train to London takes 1 hour 15 minutes. He is looking for excuses not to pay for his kids. He is scum.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2022 08:57

This is amazing.

I hope he’s amazing in bed.

TheCurseOfBoris · 26/10/2022 08:57

Surely his own parents could knock £40 off the rent they are charging him?
I do feel a bit sorry for him. He hasn't made wise choices though. Even when the debt is paid off, I can't see that he earns enough to live independently. But it's not your problem OP.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 26/10/2022 09:13

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 05:30

Thank you for the travel tip with CMS, will definitely pass that on.

£400 car per month includes parking and since there is a restricted number on residents permits, parking racks up quickly.

He took the job as it has potential to pay more in the niche he was in for over a decade before he moved.
His job is 'until finished' and mostly finishes on time but if there's been issues he'd need to stay so anything in the evening would be questionable he could reliably get to.

His parents are elderly and struggling and need him to take them shopping (refuse to do online) and chores they can't anymore. They both have varying degrees of dementia so all conversations are tricky, especially practical ones. He was suckered a bit into moving in with them as his ex refused to travel to them or let him travel leaving her with the kids so both them and him were happy to get a chance to see each other again.

He can't cook so it's all ready meals and snacks. His parents have normally ordered a take away in before he gets back from work.

You're defending this man - this father - needing to spend so much on food because the poor little angel can't learn to cook.

He can't make pasta? Eggs? Toasties? Stir fry? Not even stick chicken nuggets in an oven for the correct amount of time?

Surely the simple solution here is you teach him how to cook, then he can shave £40 a month off his shopping.

Unless his oven breaks, or his hands fall off, or he gets a brain tumor that only effects the portion of his brain that retains information on how to cook, or MI5 appear and tell him its a matter of international safety that he never cooks anything, but they can't tell him why all of which are greater possibilities than this man learning to do anything for himself.

The more I hear, the more I respect his ex for getting rid of him and sticking to her guns.

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2022 09:25

Aye of course the ex wouldn’t let him visit him parents at all because she would have to look after the children her now he never sees them anyway.

His parents are so sick with dementia that they can’t cook or get shopping delivered but order a take away every night for dinner.

They won’t lower his rent but where living without that £400 and they anit even feeding him.

He “can’t” cook so is wasting money of micro meals or let’s face it take aways.

but his ex is the devil who won’t let him off £40 to see the children he moved three hours away and saddled him with debt for the wedding. I mean she seems well shot of this incapable excuse of a human being or your being played and suckered in….

3peassuit · 26/10/2022 09:27

Can’t cook! Just tell him to look up simple recipes online. It doesn’t need training to scramble an egg. Also, 200 a month on clothes and toiletries is steep. That could easily be cut back on.

AlmostOver22 · 26/10/2022 09:31

The bottom line? He doesn’t care enough about his kids.

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2022 09:31

Even my six year old can make scrambled eggs in a microwave in one of those plastic cups with a lid she loves it.

He can’t throw some meatballs and a shop sauce and some pasta into two separate pans.

it’s really laughable.

Simonjt · 26/10/2022 10:14

Odd his parents only needed care when his relationship ended.

My husband can cook, albiet boring meals and he has arthrogryposis, if he can manage it, so can your boyfriend.

NMW jobs are not niche.

He just doesn’t care about his children and can’t be arsed to see them.

99victoria · 26/10/2022 10:29

In what world would parents charge their son £400 rent if it meant they then couldn't see their children? Surely they would just reduce the rent to £300 so their grandchildren get to have a relationship with their father 🤔

lentilly · 26/10/2022 10:32

99victoria · 26/10/2022 10:29

In what world would parents charge their son £400 rent if it meant they then couldn't see their children? Surely they would just reduce the rent to £300 so their grandchildren get to have a relationship with their father 🤔

He sounds useless so maybe they want to encourage him to live by himself?

TiddleyWink · 26/10/2022 10:38

NightfeedsandNetflix · 25/10/2022 22:51

I like being the cool ex as apposed to the bitter money grabbing ex I'll take that, thank you!

Wow our misogynistic ociety has really done a number on you hasn’t it? You honestly think that expecting the grown man who fathered children to play a fair role in supporting them makes someone a ‘bitter ex’?! I have no words for women like you, it’s embarrassing.

Original poster
Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

OP posts:
bloodyeverlastinghell · 26/10/2022 11:15

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

Children should be adequately supported by both their parents. Fail to support your child(ren) and you should be judged. If you're not capable of supporting children you shouldn't be having them tbh.

I can only imagine his ex's fustrastion with him

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2022 11:16

So he also shouldn’t be on the roads…

Op your hitching your wagon to an extra child not a partner.

I can see why his ex left him.

He may seem lovely to you for some bizarre reason but from what your written his basically not capable of functioning alone as an adult let alone a father. You want to take on being his mum/girlfriend/cleaner/cook/bank manager and parent to his children?

SomeUnspokenThing · 26/10/2022 11:16

OP, if you are a friend to this person and you genuinely care for him then you would be better off investing your time into supporting him to get access to care for his parents and helping him with life skills, rather than defending him for not being able to see his children once per month for the sake of £40. I say this kindly, rather than negatively.

Madamfrog · 26/10/2022 11:17

"Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally"

So rules don't apply to him. He's a catch all right. Awful man.

FilthyforFirth · 26/10/2022 11:24

Are you still pretending he is just a friend or admitting you are dating this absolute loser?

Why is your bar so low? How can you spend this much time and energy defending him? Madness

KitchiHuritAngeni · 26/10/2022 11:25

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

The excuses are never ending.

Maybe if he took more care with driving then he wouldn't have tickets to pay and could see his kids.

I can 100% guarantee that he managed to eat absolutely fine when his ex was doing all the cooking and cleaning, and driving, and parenting, and finances

I'm genuinely embarrassed for you at this point, go back through the thread and count the excuses you are making for this man, all whilst blaming the ex who clearly did absolutely everything while they were together.

According to you he cares for his parents who have dementia, but can't cook, clean, drive well, manage money or even choose his own clothes. So what caring is he doing exactly for these people who can't online shop but can order nightly takeaways?

Its all well and good crying because his kids hate him, but he is doing absolutely fuck all to resolve his 'problems'.

lentilly · 26/10/2022 11:27

Help him with the cooking if you want to.

There's nothing wrong with mum getting exactly what CMS says she should.

AlmostOver22 · 26/10/2022 11:27

I know some women who have really difficult things going on in their lives and still manage to see their kids more than once a month. They move heaven and earth to make sure they live near them, have space for them, can provide for them. This includes going without meals, sleeping on the floor etc. The description of your friend suggests he isn’t bothered enough to see them regularly and also resents paying his share towards their care… whatever the underlying additional needs that this man may have the fact remains: he falls short in his standard of parenting. I’m surprised that you think the judgment on here is unfair in any way.

Unicorn2022 · 26/10/2022 11:39

Sorry but he's totally having you on, probably spinning the same lines he did to get his ex to marry him. He sounds like an utter fuckwit - "can't" cook, can barely drive, crap with money, very woe is me. I don't believe for a second that parents with varying levels of dementia requiring his care would charge him £400 a month plus buying his own food to live there. The debts are likely because of his own stupidity with money and low wages otherwise why has he agreed to take them on himself? Take everything he says with a huge bucket of salt.