CM payments and cost of living

[Tuniplobby]

As far as I know the CM calculator doesn't take living in high cost areas such as London into consideration?

My friend's ex has recently gone through CMS and he now has to pay about £40 more a month which doesn't seem much but is the difference in affording the petrol and cost of feeding the children when he has them one weekend a month (6 hour round trip to collect and again to drop off) he moved back in with his parents who live in London after the split, over a hundred miles away from the children as he couldn't afford to private rent and had debts.

His ex wanted him to take them more weekends too but there's no chance he can even visit now which has devastated him.

Is an extra £40 really worth your children not seeing their dad just to get what you're 'entitled to'?

He can approach the CMS to get travel costs taken into account... perhaps he should try that?

Except as you say 40 quid is fuck all and let's face it isn't really the barrier between a loving dad seeing his dc and sounds like the ex wants him having more contact. This bloke is using it as an excuse. There's loads of ways he can raise less than £10pw when he doesn't have day to day care of the dc to consider

Which will be pretty minimal seeing he only sees them once a month

Get a better boyfriend, this one’s a waster.

People only go through the CMS when the person who should be paying maintenance isn't making the payments regularly/at all.

Your 'friend' is feeling the pinch because he was being a deadbeat dad and not paying.

The CMS take extra from the paying parent but the recipient also has the amount they receive reduced. There is no other reason to use them than to force collection from non payers.

Sorry, I'm afraid he's having you on. Things aren't quite as he suggested and he's not the poor hard done by chap you think he is

What a dreamboat this man is!!!

So you're telling us that:
he had to move back to London? He couldn't have found a studio flat to rent near his kids for £500-600'ish per month?

His parents won't take a slightly lower payment to support the grandkids?

He's already low income but cannot find a job without 2.5hrs commute a day (bullshit)? he's not a brain surgeon, he could walk into another low skilled job tomorrow if he wanted. Retail and hospitality are crying out for workers.

He cannot find a 2nd job?

He has to spend £400 pm in food etc - just for himself! Buy a set of clippers (my DH has done his own hair for the last 3 years). Buy Primark.

He has no agency - couldn't have said "split the debt" or "NO!" to an expensive wedding. I bet his debt isn't ALL wedding, bet its other debt too.

And as for the fact she's moved on and her new partner has an income - doesn't mean he should have to pay for this "dreamboat's" kids!!!

If you're thinking of dating this man....run for the hills! Sounds like a self pitying idiot.

He could apply for special variance, for the travel and the debt it seems...

Expenses
If you’re the paying parent, you can ask for the following types of expenses to be taken into account:

costs of keeping in regular contact with a child you pay maintenance for (for example, fuel to travel between your home and the child’s)

repaying debts from a previous relationship

www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/ask-other-income-expenses-included

Not something I would generally encourage for travel, but I see no reason why she shouldn't pay half of her wedding, and if it enables him to see his kids regularly...

What a dreamboat this man is!!!

Unfortunately, men like this seem to have no end of women happy to be with them, believe them, make excuses for them...even in the face of very obvious contrasting information and actual facts.

Until we, as a society, stop making child maintenance something private, to be discussed behind closed doors, and stop calling women greedy grabbers becasue they expect their co-parent to pick up some financial slack, nothing will change. What we really need is the women in these men's lives to shun them. That would put a stop to it if they couldn't get mum to do the washing and get their end away with the latest girlfriend!

He could apply for special variance, for the travel and the debt it seems...

Yea he could ;probably already has) but as he's only doing it once a month it's only going to save him a few quid. Re the debt you're right, she should be responsible for some of it. The fact she isn't suggests there is more to the story that we (or OP) are being told

Stop trying to be a ‘cool (ex) wife’ and make sure your children have what they’re entitled to. Kids can’t exist on thin air and why should they have a lower standard of living than they otherwise would just because your ex is a loser and you won’t stand up for them? If he would see them less because you made him contribute towards their upbringing then he’s someone they’re better off without anyone. Raise your standards!

Are they divorced? Was this debt not considered in the financial order?

Of course he should pay at least the CMS minimum, but you spend £15-£17.50 a week on food, clothes, hair cuts for 4? Even just for food that’s a miracle.

Of course he should pay at least the CMS minimum, but you spend £15-£17.50 a week on food, clothes, hair cuts for 4? Even just for food that’s a miracle.

If you have store cupboard basics it's not that miraculous at all. No way a single man living at his mums needs to be spending so much each month. Just some initial outlay to have some basics in

When there are parents who are doing everything they can to stretch their money and make sure their children don't go without, it is very depressing that this man is complaining about having to pay the bare minimum. It really is out of sight, out of mind for some fathers, isn't it?

Even with store cupboard ingredients you cannot feed 4 people for £15-17.50 per week.

I don’t think I commented on the spending of the man in the OP beyond he should pay CMS, did I? I was commenting on the pp posting they spend £60-70 per month on food, clothes and haircuts for 4. Which is a ridiculous claim.

Don’t know what happened there - £15-£17.50 per week.

I'm so embarrassed for you, buying into this bullshit. he's deliberately chosen to move hours away, and take a badly paid job that has an expensive, long commute. He could find a better paid job; even a nmw job closer to his parents would net him more money as he'd be saving on fuel. Why is he paying £400 a month and then another £200 for food? I think he's trying to make you feel sorry for you and you're falling for it

I like being the cool ex as apposed to the bitter money grabbing ex I'll take that, thank you!

"In in ideal world they would sort something out for the sake of the kids and for me £40 is fuck all even if my twat ex needed it more then me to drive to see his kids I would agree. For me my kids having access to their father or the choice to is way more important then principles around money."

So you would find that £40 pm so that your ex didn't have to? I don't think that would make you cool, I think it would make you a bit of a doormat though. And gullible too because, at least in op's scenario, there are a great many things he could do to improve his financial situation if he put his mind to it that doesn't essentially involve asking you for the money.

It is not bitter to expect your children's other parent to contribute the bare legal minimum to their upkeep.

The only way I'd be sympathetic in op's situation would be if I was the one who had moved away and created the 6 hour round trip for access. Then, if he was a good dad in other ways, and I was financially able to, I'd consider a short term solution while he got sorted.

Thank you for the travel tip with CMS, will definitely pass that on.

£400 car per month includes parking and since there is a restricted number on residents permits, parking racks up quickly.

He took the job as it has potential to pay more in the niche he was in for over a decade before he moved.
His job is 'until finished' and mostly finishes on time but if there's been issues he'd need to stay so anything in the evening would be questionable he could reliably get to.

His parents are elderly and struggling and need him to take them shopping (refuse to do online) and chores they can't anymore. They both have varying degrees of dementia so all conversations are tricky, especially practical ones. He was suckered a bit into moving in with them as his ex refused to travel to them or let him travel leaving her with the kids so both them and him were happy to get a chance to see each other again.

He can't cook so it's all ready meals and snacks. His parents have normally ordered a take away in before he gets back from work.

Why did they split ?

We’ll learning to cook would be a great start then, even if he just got a far as jacket potatoes, beans on toast, pasta etc he’d save a lot compared to a diet of ready meals, snacks and takeaways. Healthier and a better example to the kids too.
Maybe use some money saved there for a set of clippers and cut the haircuts out too.

He can't cook I'm sure he could if he tried. Get him a student cook book or something.

And he could do an online order and the parents will just have to lump it.

You do realise that the extra 40 quid will not cover the real cost increases associated with being the residential parent.

My advise to him would be there is no time like the present with regards to making better decisions. Your friend doesn’t sound like the smartest of people with regards to finances. How much money is he actually saving by moving so far away from his kids and work?

He chose to take on a lot of personal debt for a non essential activity, that was a silly decision, no hindsight needed.

Is she actually an ex wife? Did they get married in the end or was the wedding called off and he's left paying it off?