Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CM payments and cost of living

247 replies

Tuniplobby · 24/10/2022 00:30

As far as I know the CM calculator doesn't take living in high cost areas such as London into consideration?

My friend's ex has recently gone through CMS and he now has to pay about £40 more a month which doesn't seem much but is the difference in affording the petrol and cost of feeding the children when he has them one weekend a month (6 hour round trip to collect and again to drop off) he moved back in with his parents who live in London after the split, over a hundred miles away from the children as he couldn't afford to private rent and had debts.

His ex wanted him to take them more weekends too but there's no chance he can even visit now which has devastated him.

Is an extra £40 really worth your children not seeing their dad just to get what you're 'entitled to'?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 26/10/2022 11:47

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

The judgement is because of the choices he makes! When money has been super tight for me then l have walked everywhere or got public transport. Cooked everything from scratch and made cheaper food options. I haven’t blown money on ready meals and a car. He needs to prioritise his children, whilst stepping up and growing up

IhearyouClemFandango · 26/10/2022 12:09

Ah, so all of a sudden he is neuro diverse.

I bet his ex is thrilled to be apart.

thegruffalosbum · 26/10/2022 12:10

Ahh, so parking tickets is where his money goes. Right. Yeah, seems totally unfair that his children should be financially supported by him when he has the consequences of his shit driving to pay for. Good to know you've got your priorities right and are backing him to the hilt.

Jojoanna · 26/10/2022 12:19

I charge my adult son £400 a month ? Does include food still cheaper than renting for him . Don't understand people staying that's alot ,

DashboardConfessional · 26/10/2022 12:28

Jojoanna · 26/10/2022 12:19

I charge my adult son £400 a month ? Does include food still cheaper than renting for him . Don't understand people staying that's alot ,

Well, this doesn't include food, he's taking them shopping/doing errands (presumably on his own petrol), thand they can afford takeaway every night so I reckon they could shave off £40 temporarily.

Jojoanna · 26/10/2022 12:31

True,, it just grinds my gears parents are expected to pick up the tab for adult children mistakes. He should get a second job.

oviraptor21 · 26/10/2022 13:02

It has already been explained that he can't get a second job!

Newmumatlast · 26/10/2022 13:02

Jojoanna · 26/10/2022 12:31

True,, it just grinds my gears parents are expected to pick up the tab for adult children mistakes. He should get a second job.

Its not that they're expected to pick up the tab its that any decent parent, even of adult kids, would surely put the actual kids (the grandkids) first and if money genuinely is an issue reduce the rent. Bearing in mind that the £400 they get rent, which doesn't include food, must be mostly profit as there is no way he is showering and toileting that much and heating would be on anyway etc. He's clearly not cooking based on the OP and she reckons he has to be reminded to wash etc (and as he is caring for his parents with dementia, presumably he isn't being reminded an awful lot either). Add onto that the fact he is providing his parents with free care services that they would otherwise have to pay for, £400 is quite a bit.

I do otherwise agree that parents shouldn't have to subsidise kids for life as they have responsibility to fund themselves as adults. However I do think that parents never stop being parents and therefore if you care for your kids and have the resources to do so, you would help where needed

FloydPepper · 26/10/2022 13:05

Firstly, he should pay. No question no issues. To begrudge even the cms amount is out of order.

second, he should see his child. If that means making changes to enable it to happen, he should. It should be a non-negotiable for him.

everything else is noise. Yes he’ll get castigated on here as for some posters any (male) nrp should pay more, live in poverty, suffer for what they have done. Ignore them.

FloydPepper · 26/10/2022 13:17

SomeUnspokenThing · 26/10/2022 11:16

OP, if you are a friend to this person and you genuinely care for him then you would be better off investing your time into supporting him to get access to care for his parents and helping him with life skills, rather than defending him for not being able to see his children once per month for the sake of £40. I say this kindly, rather than negatively.

I agree with this. He sounds chaotic and useless and whilst I agree with the majority view not to touch this one with a barge pole, if you’re really determined to help (and are genuinely a friend) then focus on what he needs to do in order to be a functioning adult. Including taking responsibility

PremsDhaba · 26/10/2022 15:04

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

How fucking dare you suggest that this complete loser is this way because of autism! This is the most insulting thing I've read on this thread! Honestly if you're going to continue to spout this bullshit you're well suited to each other. Bet the ex is glad to see the back of him!

Givenuptotally · 26/10/2022 15:22

It’s been every excuse in the book, OP, that’s the problem.

Bottom line: children need financial support. The adults who created those children, unless putting them up for adoption, need to take responsibility for providing that support.

Earning minimum wage, being autistic, living at a distance, needing to support elderly parents, finding travel expensive etc etc are all excuses. There should be no excuses.

SuspiciousHedgehog · 26/10/2022 15:43

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

The judgement isn't about his ineptness, or his possible autism.

It's about using that as an excuse to barely see his kids and be bitter over paying the bare minimum in child support.

He is not without options. A child on the spectrum is not the same as an adult on the spectrum. He isn't a child, and not your child.

Why did his family split up and how long have you known him?

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 26/10/2022 16:24

He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.

Lol. Yeah they will hate him when they're old enough to see what a loser he is.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/10/2022 16:52

Good god you get worse every time you post. He's a loser, and he's an adult. Stop making excuses for him. I bet his ex thanks her lucky stars she no longer has to put up with him. Maybe one day you'll come to your senses too

Testina · 26/10/2022 19:32

Bloody hell. Bet his ex wife isn’t missing that side of him 😱

I expected she started out just like you though - making excuses for the poor menz who just don’t see mess 🤣🤣🤣

Bollocks

See if my brain worked in a way that didn’t see mess, I’d say to my partner, “what chores should I take on regularly that will share the load evenly but not rely on me noticing mess? How about I always do the laundry, for starters - I don’t need to judge anything, just have a wee routine - and I do like a routine!”

Yet these men never do, do they?

cavily1806 · 26/10/2022 19:50

OP, you mention you have a son. Does his dad pay through the CMS or do you have a private (better) arrangement? Are you planning to ask for additional help to deal with cost of living? Why, as someone with an ex who fathered tour kids, are you making excuses for another man? Or are you expressing yourself badly and/or this is a horrific reverse?

whatsthestory123 · 26/10/2022 20:35

tell your friend to take a job as a self employed scaffolder my son's father is one and every year he seems to earn less and less and has no contact his choice

according to the CMS he only earns £170 a week🤔
funny as when we were together 12yrs ago and he was paye he was bringing home £600-700 a week

LucieLemon · 27/10/2022 11:20

Nothing here adds up? You don't have to be a chef to get by without resorting to takeaways or ready meals every night.

My wardrobe has lasted years, including Primark and supermarket range clothes. Nothing has just fallen apart, I've replaced things as I've needed to but absolutely nowhere in the realm of £200 a month! I find in my own family the cost of clothing children is significantly more than the adults, due to them growing out of things but we're still not spending £200 pm.

I'm still curious as to how much "care" he's providing to his elderly parents? It's already been established he's out the house around 12 hours a day, Mon-Fri. I'm unsure how they've become so reliant on him that he now couldn't possibly move out?

This man seems so passive in his own life, at every point he chooses the easiest option instead of the necessary, potentially more difficult path and then bleats that he has no choice because of "reasons"

Beefcurtains79 · 28/10/2022 07:19

His parents have dementia but remember and know how to order a nightly takeaway? You mug.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 28/10/2022 07:52

Wonder if the next step will be him asking you for money OP... be very careful...

EmilyGilmoresSass · 28/10/2022 14:11

Tuniplobby · 26/10/2022 11:05

I do think he's a bit useless tbf from my son is going through an autism assessment and some of the questions they are asking are him to a tee.

It's the same ready meals, eaten the same way. It's the same routine everyday and every week. A lot of anxiety. He isn't great at driving tbf. Has got tickets for parking, stopping where he shouldn't and running lights accidentally. He's genuinely terrified his kids hate him, has been in tears about it multiple times.
He's not great with money, doesn't choose his own clothes. Doesn't clean unless told to as he doesn't see what needs to be done. Can't organise anything. Needs support in almost everything.

He's not a catch but he's not a low life either. The judgement here is awful.

'The judgement here is awful'... you were quick to judge the child's mother based on the one sided story from father of the year.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page