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Original poster

CM payments and cost of living

247 replies

Tuniplobby · 24/10/2022 00:30

As far as I know the CM calculator doesn't take living in high cost areas such as London into consideration?

My friend's ex has recently gone through CMS and he now has to pay about £40 more a month which doesn't seem much but is the difference in affording the petrol and cost of feeding the children when he has them one weekend a month (6 hour round trip to collect and again to drop off) he moved back in with his parents who live in London after the split, over a hundred miles away from the children as he couldn't afford to private rent and had debts.

His ex wanted him to take them more weekends too but there's no chance he can even visit now which has devastated him.

Is an extra £40 really worth your children not seeing their dad just to get what you're 'entitled to'?

OP posts:
KweenieBeanz · 24/10/2022 07:46

Let's be honest here. He isn't paying £400 for his commute costs. I'd bet most of that £400 is for an expensive car leasing cost, because he drives a nice car and foolishly tied himself into one of these car finance packages for a car he can't really afford.
Because nobody pays £400 to commute to a job that will earn just £1500 a month net - they just get a job closer to home, low paid jobs are 10 a penny at the moment.
As others have said, hard to believe his parents won't reduce his monthly rent just a little to enable him to see his kids. He's not seeing them because he can't be bothered, no chance is this about money. I'd wear the same clothes for 5 years to save money if it was the difference between seeing my kids or not.

Crimeismymiddlename · 24/10/2022 07:47

Your boyfriend sounds such a wet lettuce. He could have got the wedding debt shared during the divorce, he could have said not to taking it out in the first place. He has you worried that he is going about in rags and ‘needs’ haircuts and the extra forty pounds he needs to pay for his children, who he moved 100 miles away from and only sees once a month is breaking him.
He needs to sort himself out and you need to think critically on what he is telling you.

MayThe4th · 24/10/2022 07:49

So which are you OP? The man or the woman he’s currently shagging?

WahineToa · 24/10/2022 07:55

Okay. Possible, I obviously can't say for definite. Just what he's told me.

Exactly. You have no real idea. Why are you so involved and know all these possibly bullshit details if he’s only your friend? You seem overly invested in this guy. You say his parents need help? So is that why he’s there?

Rainbowqueeen · 24/10/2022 07:55

The actual truth is he has no interest in seeing his kids or paying towards them but he realises he can’t just say that. So he’s come up with this fantasy. What a horrible little man.

Direct him to stepchange and run for the hills

IhearyouClemFandango · 24/10/2022 07:57

Yeah, that £40 is the issue here. If it is, perhaps a shift or two in a pub? Or clippers in place of a haircut? Or £10 a week less on food?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 24/10/2022 07:57

Seriously? As a lone parent who actually cannot get child maintenance at all because child's dad is evading the government - wise up. Even when i got my pitiful amount, it came nowhere close to being enough, and I doubt his is overly helpful either. As a parent he should be willing to provide more during the cost of living crisis

IhearyouClemFandango · 24/10/2022 07:58

Did you say he moved to London? Is public a transport not a possibility? £400 is a massive amount for a low earner.

Brefugee · 24/10/2022 08:00

well, he's paying a high price to learn how not to be a wet lettuce, isn't he?

And he moved away from his kids and is now whining about how often he sees them?
keep your neb out, and just give him tea and pat him on the arm and say "there there dear" while encouraging him to get a job closer to his kids and use his spare time to get better qualified.

Withnoshoes · 24/10/2022 08:05

I think he is spinning a yarn but surely so he could see his kids his parents can reduce his rent. If he is truly out of the house 12 hours a day he isn’t costing £400 a month extra to them. Our whole utility bill is currently less than £150. They would prefer the dad to support his offspring and even see their grandchildren?

Cm is the bare minimum a parent is paying. The day to day cost of those children and all the cost of living increases will be much more for the children’s resident parent.

TulipsTwoLips · 24/10/2022 08:07

What does he do for the other 3 or 4 weekends a month?

lentilly · 24/10/2022 08:10

Why is he the only one in debt for the wedding? Why did he agree to get into debt for the wedding?

The £40 extra is what he should have been paying all along.

He probably needs to look at getting a better paid job/ one nearer

Maverickess · 24/10/2022 08:11

Is an extra £40 really worth your children not seeing their dad just to get what you're 'entitled to'?

There's the first issue, that you, him or both of you see supporting his children as paying his ex money she doesn't need ('entitled to') rather than it being just a standard expectation of any parent to provide for the children you chose to have.

It's about the children, not the ex, so really what's being proposed is that they go without to facilitate seeing their father, only we all know that won't happen because the RP usually ensures that any shortfall is covered and go without themselves - which is generally what's expected to happen.

With that in mind, when issues like this arise, as a parent you make changes to ensure they get the best you can offer, he's not doing that. Paying CM takes priority over the debt for your wedding or your own personal needs, so you renegotiate things like that, you cut down on spending £10 a week somewhere else, or you increase your income (which is a lot easier to do when you're only responsible for your children when you decide it's convenient).

The RP usually has to find a way because there's no leeway there, the children need to be provided for and bleating you can't afford it is not an option.

If she's moved on, if she needs the money or not is irrelevant - it's not about her, it's about the children.

lentilly · 24/10/2022 08:12

He can apply for a reduction in the CMS for travel costs

Isaidnoalready · 24/10/2022 08:16

Is he leasing a car?

lentilly · 24/10/2022 08:17

Tuniplobby · 24/10/2022 01:59

I don't understand? I see it firsthand.

I don't expect full calculation from my ex as I know the cost of living is high and the calculator doesn't take it into account. I'd prefer my son to have quality time and memories with his dad with decent food etc

Seems like I'm the exception to the rule. Everyone else expects full money if not more, children seen every 2 weeks at least etc. Life isn't like that?

Show quote history

Yes it is. The ex has no choice but to feed and clothe the kids. She doesn't get to opt out. Why should he.

Jalepenojello · 24/10/2022 08:18

I see so many women having these arguments on behalf of men and it’s embarrassing for them to be honest

If that £40 matters so much, he’ll have to cut down on clothes and haircuts. He needs a new job with less commuting as I don’t know anyone with any sense who would be paying 1/3 of their wage to go to work. This is by far the biggest issue. He could go all out and actually take care of his child 50:50 and maintenance would then be £0 - would he prefer this? To actually shoulder the real responsibility of raising a child? I doubt it somehow.

DashboardConfessional · 24/10/2022 08:20

He could of got a house share for £400 a month near his children let’s face it. He didn’t want too. If his not seeing his children at all now a house share locally would of at least meant day trip visits rather than nothing.

Absolutely but I'm sure there will be a reason he's told the OP he can't, like he sleepwalks! 😁

My car costs me £260 for the year insurance, £300 MOT, and £60 a month petrol. It's 2 years old so that's to insure a decent value of car. Where is he parking? If he is on NMW he'd be better off in a retail park or supermarket.

orbitalcrisis · 24/10/2022 08:21

It sounds like this man is terrible with money! The budget you shared proves that! And/or, he's a liar.

lentilly · 24/10/2022 08:21

Wad he or was he not involved in the wedding? He could have said NO THAT'S SHIT LOADS OF DEBT.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 24/10/2022 08:22

He's having you on love.

Firstly you say it costs £400 a month to run his car? Seems excessive but ok.... but there is not a chance in hell that commuting using public transport would cost the same amount or more!

£400 rent to his parents? Really? And elderly parents so presume mortgage free. I'm sorry but I don't believe that his parents are taking so much of his net pay that he now can't afford to see his children.

He has taken all the wedding debt? A likely story! And while he has been paying for this huge wedding he's been walking around with broken clothes and holes in his shoes.

Either he is a liar or he's absolutely and completely stupid. Either way please don't date him. (Yea yes I know you keep saying he is a friend). His problems will just become yours.

FivePotatoesHigh · 24/10/2022 08:23

Agree with everything PP have said so far but also: if he really wanted to cut down his spending he could buy clothes from charity shops. Plenty of perfectly good items to be found.

He could also get a bike and cycle to work.

SuspiciousHedgehog · 24/10/2022 08:24

Your logic can be turned around.

If he's on a low wage, even the CM calculation by the agency will be low. 50 a month could be the difference between being able to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, having the heating on at bathtime.

If he lives with his parents he won't have high living costs. The CM won't be causing him poverty. Is personal debt is his responsibility to manage, the kid's needs don't give way

You don't mention why they are no longer together...

KitchiHuritAngeni · 24/10/2022 08:27

A deadbeat dad with a sob story and an excuse for everything who talks women into defending him against his evil ex who only wants money.

Gosh that's really unusual.

liveforsummer · 24/10/2022 08:29

I'd understand a lengthy commute for a well paid job but he could get one in London basically next door earning that wage today. Nonsense to say he can't find anything! But a clothes bundle on eBay, a set of hair clippers. Approach the debtors and cut the payments, approach his parents to reduce the rent slightly, find a flat share closer to the dc which would be far cheaper than one where he lives. He'd get a minimum wage job there too - they are everywhere. Work extra shifts - he has a huge amount of spare time where he's not responsible for dc to do so. Personally with that one I'm limited to childcare hours and every other Saturday, he has 29 days out of a month. All this could significantly save or earn him more than £40 extra a month - that's less than £10 a week ffs. Absurd that paying such a measly amount towards his dc is cited as the problem here.