CM payments and cost of living

[Tuniplobby]

As far as I know the CM calculator doesn't take living in high cost areas such as London into consideration?

My friend's ex has recently gone through CMS and he now has to pay about £40 more a month which doesn't seem much but is the difference in affording the petrol and cost of feeding the children when he has them one weekend a month (6 hour round trip to collect and again to drop off) he moved back in with his parents who live in London after the split, over a hundred miles away from the children as he couldn't afford to private rent and had debts.

His ex wanted him to take them more weekends too but there's no chance he can even visit now which has devastated him.

Is an extra £40 really worth your children not seeing their dad just to get what you're 'entitled to'?

@Tuniplobby im going to take a guess and say you’re young/don’t have kids.

why are you so over invested with your “friends” circumstances?

he made some poor choices regarding big wedding etc. so she “wasn’t happy” with a small wedding or to wait and save? Who cares?! He could have said “no”. It’s called consequences and he’s now paying for his choices.

once a month visitation is absolutely shit. Taking his DC back to his parents who no doubt do all the hard work for the weekend- shit.

Hes full of stupid excuses and you sound naïve.

Because you say children I'm assuming at least 2 - do you really think that it only costs £400 (if the mum only had to pay as much as he had to) to raise 2+ kids a month?

Taking into account clothes, shoes (unlike your "friend" kids grow fast so can't keep wearing the same clothes for a year or two), food, daily transport to school, wraparound childcare, activities...and of course the fact that as they stayed with their mum she presumably had to keep living in at least a 2bed flat/house and couldn't just run home to her old room in her parents house....

So presuming you accept the reality that kids cost at least that much per month, who do you think SHOULD pay for it if not their parents? And why shouldn't said parents pay at least jointly - really seeing as she's doing all the work of raising the kids he should be paying far far more as his contribution.

"His ex wanted him to take them more weekends too but there's no chance he can even visit now which has devastated him."

This is absolute rubbish, especially looking at his wage, stop defending a deadbeat Dad.
He isn't pulling his weight and is full of excuses as to why he's not, then has the cheek to make it about him and pitying himself.

My Ex does this, he has a sob story which is complete with holes, his last wife was dumb enough to fall for it, and had kids with him.
He now doesn't see any of his kids and 'none of it is his fault.'
He's ended up a lonely drunk just as I suspected he would..

Your friend is a piece of shit. I'm staggered that any woman would be friends with a 'man' like this to be honest. He's abandoned his children and now doesn't even want to pay for them. Pathetic.

Solution: don't have kids you can't support financially...

• Don't have a wedding you can't afford
• Train for a better job
• ask parents for a break from rent to afford to support kids
• Make sure getting all benefits he's entitled to

Is it bitterness towards having the kids so much or something?

Wow OP. You and your 'friend' seem well suited.

Also please don't have kids with this 'friend' of yours OP he's shown you how he is as a 'father.'

I'll bet this 'massive wedding debt' is really just his credit card bill.

His ex wanted him to pay the amount he is legally obliged to pay for the children he chose to have. He is now punishing her for not doing exactly what he says by refusing to see them. Children suffer, ex suffers as they are upset and he gets the satisfaction of knowing that there are consequences for defying him.

It's the run up to Christmas, he could get tons of hours in a local supermarket and either walk there or short commute. No way he needs to spend hours commuting week days for minimum wage. He could get a Saturday job to cover the costs of going to visit his children and go see them for the day on Sundays. He can look smart with hair clippers as a one off cost and second hand or cheap clothes.

There is no way on earth his sob story adds up.

There are many ways here to try and facilitate this.

If he lives in London he doesn’t really have a pressing need for a car, you say he’s on min wage, in London there are plenty of min wage jobs, usually within a walking distance of your home - maybe he needs to look into getting rid of the car and changing jobs?

He’s living with parents, so maybe a conversation with them about needing to pay £50 less per month to them in rent for their GC sake?

He can tell the debt company he can only pay £200 pm now because his costs have risen and renegotiate the payment plan with them - most companies are helpful with this these days.

Sounds like he’s just digging up excuses. If you have children you pay for them, it’s as simple as that.

If they were married when they got the wedding debt why is he assuming all responsibility for it. Finances sre linked when you are married

Great points.

His parents need to lower the rent so their grandchildren can be provided for.

He needs to contact Stepchange about his depts and perhaps enter a debt management plan

I don't take payments from my ex. I don't need his money (I am not rich at all but comfortable as I am good with the money I get) I want my DD to have a good standard of living at his house and he needs that money to do that.

I think CMS should be means tested on both sides. I also think 50/50 should be default. If the one refuses to share they get no extra money. If one refused to have them they forfeit means testing on both sides and pay a set percent for the kids.

If there is abuse in the relationship the abuser forfiets means testing.

If both people agree a different pattern then the CMS is means tested both sides again.

I understand people break up but at some point you loved the other person so you should have some care towards them (unless there was abuse involved of course)

You do realise that it isnt her choice to say, "I'm not taking on half the wedding debt," right?

She didnt get to decide that. That is decided in the divorce when finances are sorted. Joint debts are paid and then assets split, or if assets cant cover the debt then debt is split between the parties.

His story that she wanted the big wedding so he had to take out loans to pay for it and is now paying them off alone is bullshit.

He's a deadbeat trying to get out of paying for his kids and looking for sympathy from a gullible woman.

My ex was like this. Moved miles away back to his parents. Gave me 2 weeks notice and informed me he would no longer contribute to the chilcare that afforded us BOTH to work. No more helping with childcare when he had a day off etc so even more costs i had to find money for. Apparently i should use the cm for that. The whole 195 a month i got for 2 kids, pay all kid expenses and childcare out of that when i worked FT! Yeah right.

Fucked off, got nmw job as didn’t want to do his proper job anymore. Claimed poverty. Yet had money to lease fancy cars and buy loads of expensive gaming equipment.

Then as was working mix of employed and self employed cms were shit at working out his real wages. So reduced payments to 192.98 a month. And that was EXACTLY what he paid me, no rounding up the 2p to 193 😂

Once dc got to secondary i told him i wouldn't pay for them to have school dinners half of the month and he would have to pay into their dinner money accounts or explain to them on his turns he wasn't paying it. Magically managed to find the money ever since!

His parents are always the ones doing the brunt of the work when the kids are at his parents. Just found out he's away working atm despite him having the kids this week during half term. So once again the parents are entertaining the kids while he's working away at a cash in hand job.

I honestly wouldn't believe a word he says.

It’s not money for her, it’s money for them. The children are entitled to get the full amount they deserve.

My god this is pathetic.

OP, mind your own business and stop investing so much in your “friend” and his tales of woe. You’re being embarrassingly naive. The bottom line is, this is a man who made the choice to bring children into this world, and now you’re making excuses for him to not parent them or provide the legal minimum financially.

I'm sure his parents might let him reduce his rent. Has he asked them?

Who exactly are you in all of this OP? If you’re his ‘friend’ like you say, then you’re VERY over invested in his life and probably actually know very little about his ex’s current life. If you’re his girlfriend, stop believing his bullshit, leave him and get on with your own life.

Hang on....so I could farm out all parenting responsibilities and costs to my children's other parent for the neat little sum of 200pcm?

Fuck me. More women should do this.

Does he even realise how fucki

Ng insane he sounds complaining that he does 12 days of parenting a year and that plus 200pcm is his only responsibility?!

Something not adding up re “wedding debt” Was it a short marriage doesn’t seem it as children are involved?. How did they as a couple together afford it when together? Or was his salary higher before he moved so far away? £400 on car per month are his fuel costs high travelling many miles commuting. I’m only going by costs I pay but service £250pa, insurance £300 pa.
Her partner now should not be expected to pick up the slack. He seems full of excuses and wants the pity party. His former wife isn’t responsible for his debt, even when they were married as it’s in his name. Lots of blame towards the ex wife.
it also seems from what you have said £400 to his parents that seems high if he needs 250 for food etc. they are making a huge profit from him!

First of all if his debt repayments are unmanageable then he needs to speak to a debt charity about reducing the payments.

If he has an hour drive to get to work maybe he needs to look to find work closer to him as well which would likely save that £40 a month in petrol

You will got no man sympathy here. Yes the ex is well within her rights to screw your partner over. It's always the man's fault and he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

How dare he have 10p left to himself after a break up.

I have experienced both sides. My ex husband paid minimal. I never gave him any hassle seeing his kids or over money. My current husband pays too whack (happily) but his ex makes his life hell to even access his child.

In in ideal world they would sort something out for the sake of the kids and for me £40 is fuck all even if my twat ex needed it more then me to drive to see his kids I would agree. For me my kids having access to their father or the choice to is way more important then principles around money.