To ask if I should reply to this weird Facebook message?

[thalita605]

Just that really.

Been with DP for 2.5 years, we have an 8mo together and our relationship is good and he's a good dad to DD. He's currently working away and this afternoon I had a message request on FB from what I assume is a teenage boy, although he doesn't have any pictures himself on his account, unless he's made it all private. He said he was DP’s son, he doesn't know if DP has told me about him but he wants to meet. I don't know if this is genuine or not, as he's never mentioned a son, neither has MIL, I've not met other family members as he doesn't speak to them.

I'm not sure if I should reply or not, part of me doesn't think I should but another part things I should. WWYD?

I would wonder why he’s messaging you, and not dp directly.

If you bothered to read the OP's posts you would know she had done that.

Why would he contact you and not your partner?

That only works if you're stupid enough to give away personal information though, doesn't it?

I had someone contact me like this on FB once - after some snooping it turns out he was genuine (the new partner of DP's ex) who was wanting to get in touch about the children.

But before I found out who he was, I wasn't daft enough to tell him anything about me.

My money is on this being genuine. There are men out there who have no idea they've fathered children and sadly, many more who have and who lie to their new partners about it.

She doesn't need to be an ex, she could be a ONS that he barely remembers

Maybe he has and the DP has blocked him, or is ignoring him? If his profile is open enough, OP will be linked on there in some way so makes sense to try and get a response from her instead?

I wouldn't outright dismiss this but I'd be open with your DP about it all the way through. At the bare minimum, you need the date of birth, mother's details, area she was in when he was born, etc.

I think it's worth remembering that you haven't been with your DP for very long and it sounds like the relationship has moved quite quickly. It is entirely possible he has been aware of this and has deliberately hidden it from you (although why he would is a bit of a mystery!). You need to be open minded about this whole thing I think.

This

I think I’d ask for his DM’s name and ask him to send a photo of himself and his DM.

@thelobsterquadrille That only works if you're stupid enough to give away personal information though, doesn't it?

Hmmm. Maybe.
But you have to give away some information if you want to check them out.

What information would the OP need to give to check it out? She needs info from him, not vice versa

I think it's safe to assume @thalita605 isn't an idiot, she's not suddenly going to start giving him money

Where is the risk in following this up to find out the truth. If it's a scam she simply blocks him, what could be a negative consequence?

How would he even do a DNA test if no one replies to his messages?
Id reply a polite response asking for any evidence and whether he’d be willing to do a DNA test if he is sure and go from there.
Lot of people in serious denial out there. You can see how men get away with things when womens automatic response is ‘ignore ignore ignore’

Eh? Why would she need to give any information away?

Surely he's the one who needs to provide the information?

IMO you should do some digging op, yes this could be a scam, but it could also be genuine.

I have no idea who my father is, he isn’t aware of my existence, ancestry dna gave me a few names of distant matches that I reached out to, not one of them believed me, which was almost as painful as not knowing or never having a dad

Because he knows his dads not trustworthy - hence the "I don't know if he's told you about me"

@Elfblossom I just wanted to give you a little hope; my half-brother didn't know anything about me until I was 19 and him 17 (I'd always known about him).

After a bumpy start as he processed a life full of lies we've gone on to forge a lovely sibling relationship, despite my still being NC with our shared parent. He & his Wife are some of my favourite people to spend time with and he was a witness at our wedding in the summer. It can all work out despite the best efforts of feckless Adults

To the OP, I'm leaning towards it being more likely genuine (or a genuine mistake) than a scam. I'd be tempted to simply ask for more details, including Mum's name, dates etc, and why he's approached you and not your DP, and then sit down with your DP when he gets back.

To those saying 'FaceTime his Mum' there's a decent chance she doesn't know this conversation is happening.

This.

You haven't known your boyfriend very long at all and unless your boyfriend never shagged anyone before you, and even that you can't be sure, the boy deserves a reply. You never know if your boyfriend will put your daughter in that position.

We all handle things differently. I imagine the trauma of a “long lost son” rearing it’s head would be too much for some people for the fear of tearing a family apart. If I had a teenage child in this situation I would also prepare them for this possibility, I’d also be upset they contacted the partner rather than the man himself.

People are allowed to react to things differently. It’s not hard to understand that and have empathy from both sides.

Scammers and Con Artists are also clever and not afraid to pull on heart strings to engage with people in this manner so it’s also very very sensible to question this.

It’s unbelievable you’d expect everyone to react in the same, somewhat naive, way.

I would be discussing this with dp first instead of mumsnet

I’d reply asking for more information. I’d be fact checking everything whilst disclosing nothing about my self.

We have had a long lost unknown relative contact us. The rejection of some family members was significantly upsetting for him. I’m the only one he’s in contact with and I’m no longer with his brother.

Well he's denied all knowledge so what would you do next?

If this 'kid' wants to meet you and his 'dad' knows about him the kid would approach dad, not you. It's risky, has all the characteristics of a scam. Could be an ex or anyone. Strange behaviour. Don't reply. Why would you?

W*e all handle things differently. I imagine the trauma of a “long lost son” rearing it’s head would be too much for some people for the fear of tearing a family apart. If I had a teenage child in this situation I would also prepare them for this possibility, I’d also be upset they contacted the partner rather than the man himself.

People are allowed to react to things differently. It’s not hard to understand that and have empathy from both sides.

Scammers and Con Artists are also clever and not afraid to pull on heart strings to engage with people in this manner so it’s also very very sensible to question this.

It’s unbelievable you’d expect everyone to react in the same, somewhat naive, way.*

@SmallPrawnEnergy

People are allowed to react to things differently - another one of those stupid phrases designed to help those who want to shirk accountability for anything, ever.

Even the OP, who is the one going through this experience, doesn't feel that it would be the right thing to do to just ignore this potential abandoned child. I am always much quicker to feel empathy for a child who has done nothing wrong and has been a victim of neglectful parenting and no real control over their situation than adults who are better equipped regardless of the situation. I do empathise with OP, she's done nothing wrong either. But OP clearly isn't as cold as ice, like some other posters.

Can you explain the risk exactly? I fully accept that some random contact is from scammers but what is the risk?

I've actually had a fake contact on IG, someone saying he was a famous person although not someone I was aware of. I engaged in a bit of chit chat and after a while the account disaapeared, there was no risk to me in this, how would that arise?

Unles the OP is asked for her bank details and password where's the harm in finding out more

The possible emotional damage to a genuine contact being ignored is waaaaay greater than the non existent risk of a conversation to establish facts.

If I had a teenage child in this situation I would also prepare them for this possibility, I’d also be upset they contacted the partner rather than the man himself

@SmallPrawnEnergy

And, really? You would be upset with a child for not following the social etiquette that you think is usual when a child has been abandoned and wants to reach out? As if that part is the pivotal focus in this situation!