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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if I should reply to this weird Facebook message?

337 replies

thalita605 · 23/10/2022 21:24

Just that really.

Been with DP for 2.5 years, we have an 8mo together and our relationship is good and he's a good dad to DD. He's currently working away and this afternoon I had a message request on FB from what I assume is a teenage boy, although he doesn't have any pictures himself on his account, unless he's made it all private. He said he was DP’s son, he doesn't know if DP has told me about him but he wants to meet. I don't know if this is genuine or not, as he's never mentioned a son, neither has MIL, I've not met other family members as he doesn't speak to them.

I'm not sure if I should reply or not, part of me doesn't think I should but another part things I should. WWYD?

OP posts:
Zonder · 25/10/2022 08:45

Surprised people wouldn't speak to DP first. Makes me wonder what kind of relationship that would be.

notanothertakeaway · 25/10/2022 08:49

I’ve got his name but his surname isn't the same as DP’s

@thalita605 I expect he has his mother's surname

I'm surprised how many people say they would ignore his message and assume it's a scam. No wonder so many men get away with abandoning their children

It's sensible to take this slowly and approach with caution, but I think you should respond to request his mother's name and ask if he'd be wiling to do a DNA test

notanothertakeaway · 25/10/2022 08:51

Can you explain the risk exactly? I fully accept that some random contact is from scammers but what is the risk?

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair reach out, build a connection, ask for money

SD1978 · 25/10/2022 08:54

I would potentially forward the message on to your partner, but wouldn't reply or engage. This boy has nothing to do with you, and you have no reason to meet him, investigate further if your partner hasn't or isn't. He states that your partner is aware of him, your partner says he is not. You either believe your partner or a kid off the internet

Topee · 25/10/2022 09:02

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 24/10/2022 20:41

Keep an open mind. Ask him about his mum and then speak to DH. I think it could be very cruel to assume it's a scam and block him. What if it's true? Ask them both to do a DNA test.

Absolutely this. There is every possibility that your DP could have a child that maybe even he doesn’t know about. Those saying block are obviously fortunate enough not to have gone through how painful unknown parentage can be for some people.

Yes it may be something dodgy, but it could equally be a child that’s struggling with not knowing who his dad is. There are ways to engage without flogging out personal information or money.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 25/10/2022 09:08

notanothertakeaway · 25/10/2022 08:51

Can you explain the risk exactly? I fully accept that some random contact is from scammers but what is the risk?

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair reach out, build a connection, ask for money

Being asked for money by a scammer when you are well aware that they might be a scammer isn't a risk. You aren't going to lose anything by being asked.

Deadringer · 25/10/2022 09:10

I would definitely reply and ask for more information, dob, where he lives, why he believes dp is his dad etc, but I definitely wouldn't meet up with him. I wouldn't give him any info about you or your family that he doesn't already have, so if he is a scammer he wont gain anything. I tracked down long lost family members through Facebook, not these circumstances admittedly but it does happen.

ElsieMc · 25/10/2022 09:53

I contacted a sister who knew nothing about me. She was naturally and rightly very wary but I had information that only we knew about and she knew I was genuine. We never met, her choice, but she rang and told me she had not spoken to our birth mother for 30 years. I asked about my father because our birth dates were pretty close (think around 15 months) She did not want to mention it to him nor did she want me to meet him. I had to accept this. My mother did not want to know me.

Do be careful about letting people into your life. Because of my own treatment I responded positively when my gs (who lives with me) dad's family contacted me when he was 3. I did not know who his dad was and knew nothing about them at all. They made our lives a living hell and their lovely son was a vicious, violent thug whose last conviction was for gbh.

Thats both sides of the coin op, so tread carefully. What I would say is that a lack of shared history is huge. It's not all like Long Lost Family. My gut feeling is that it is not a scam, this boy may be wrong, but that is different but it opens a can of worms.

bumpertobumper · 25/10/2022 10:01

Op, have you spoken to your partner yet?
I know everyone's relationships are different but I am wondering why you texted him with this potentially monumentous situation. If he is lying to you about knowing about having a son, it is so much easier to lie and deny over text , I would be wanting to see his face for this scale of conversation (I know he's away, but video calls are standard these days). Or, if this is also big life changing news to him, in order to be supportive again, a contactful conversation. Not dropping a bomb by text when he's away from home.

I am not meaning to criticise you, but making the observation that it would be good to speak to dp. His perspective and reaction will be the decisive factor in next steps of what to do about fb boy.... not what we all are guessing here re scam/not scam.
It might be nothing, it might be another child in your lives- tread carefully. If the latter, how you act now will have an impact on future relationship.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/10/2022 10:18

None of us know if the message is genuine or not, but your acceptance that your DP could be lying about the boy is concerning. Does he have form for lying to you?

I'd leave any decision about next steps until you can speak to your DP face to face. I definitely wouldn't make any contact with the boy behind your DP's back. Keep it all out in the open and find out the truth together. If the boy is your DP's you can both decide what the next steps should be.

WhenDovesFly · 25/10/2022 10:24

If your DP is denying knowing the boy, and you don't know if that's the truth, then I personally would send a polite response, pointing out to the lad that he is a random stranger on the internet contacting me, and ask for him to provide some proof or facts to back up his allegation - copy of birth certificate, details from him mum (names, DOB, places) etc.

Vapeyvapevape · 25/10/2022 10:37

Your DP may well not know this boy, doesn't mean he's not his father though.

XAQ · 25/10/2022 10:50

I would definitely do some digging.

Choconut · 25/10/2022 11:27

Don't meet them because there's a good chance it's an attempt to get money out of you - because why would they want to meet you anyway? Ask him more information, his mothers name and his date of birth. It'll probably be obvious from the response if it's a scam as he'll keep pushing to meet or start mentioning money.

GreyElephantsWearingYellowPyjamas · 25/10/2022 11:34

Why are you asking strangers on the internet? Speak to your DP.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 11:40

I'd speak to your DP first, why is he messaging you and not him or other family?

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 11:42

Zonder · 25/10/2022 08:45

Surprised people wouldn't speak to DP first. Makes me wonder what kind of relationship that would be.

Me too, if you trust your partner why wouldn't you speak to him first instead of believing a faceless FB account?

emptythelitterbox · 25/10/2022 11:56

Just get some more information from him.
Name, dob, where born, mother's name, photo

Then discuss it all with DP when he returns.

There won't be a scam if you don't give them anything.

Electricstar · 25/10/2022 12:00

I’d be open minded here
Your partner may be fibbing about not knowing he has a son, he may not even know he has a son or this could be a scam.

I would probably reply and tell the boy you need more info as you are a bit hesitant that this is true or maybe a scam. I’d speak to your partner too (I see you already have)

Do not give him any of your information

Electricstar · 25/10/2022 12:01

Also agree with the above to get more information and speak to DP when he is back. I think you’ll possibly know by his actions or possible defensiveness if he is lying or not

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 25/10/2022 12:12

Does your DP talk about why he doesn't see his family?

Myunclesmustache · 25/10/2022 13:41

@girlmom21
I would be discussing this with dp first instead of mumsnet

Well he's denied all knowledge so what would you do next?

Well that's put the mockers on it hasn't it?

OP needs to trust her partner that there isn't a 'skeleton in the closet'. If she can't then maybe the relationship isn't as sound as she makes out.

OP I would delete block and move on - I still smell a scam.

thelobsterquadrille · 25/10/2022 14:18

I'm surprised so many people seem convinced it's a scam!

There are a huge number of deadbeat dads out there, and plenty more who are genuinely unaware they've fathered children. Facebook is a quick, free and easy way to track people down - and it's relatively anonymous too.

If it's not genuine, then my money is on someone shit-stirring - an ex perhaps, not a scammer.

SpinningFloppa · 25/10/2022 14:22

They don’t think it’s a scam, it’s clear they just wouldn’t want a teenager rocking up and ruining their perfect little family! It’s very telling how many would “block and ignore” as they don’t want to deal with it 😏

Myunclesmustache · 25/10/2022 14:54

@thelobsterquadrille
Facebook is a quick, free and easy way to track people down - and it's relatively anonymous too.

Hmmm. Maybe, but it's also called 'Fakebook' for a reason.

If this child wanted to track down his 'deadbeat' dad then he should come armed with a birth certificate and maybe adoption papers.

Otherwise IMO it's BS and a scam.