Page 11 | To ask if I should reply to this weird Facebook message?

thalita605 · 2022-10-23T20:24:01+00:00

Just that really. Been with DP for 2.5 years, we have an 8mo together and our relationship is good and he's a good dad to DD. He's currently working away and this afternoon I had a message request on FB from what I assume is a teenage boy, although he doesn't have any pictures himself on his account, unless he's made it all private. He said he was DP’s son, he doesn't know if DP has told me about him but he wants to meet. I don't know if this is genuine or not, as he's never mentioned a son, neither has MIL, I've not met other family members as he doesn't speak to them. I'm not sure if I should reply or not, part of me doesn't think I should but another part things I should. WWYD?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 26/10/2022 22:45

Very strong "I've read this before" vibes

Finonia · 26/10/2022 22:51

I’d also like to know the reason they’re NC - it could shed some light on it, could it be DP’s brother trying to cause trouble? This must be really unsettling for you both!

misteriosa · 27/10/2022 00:51

The fact the he's unwilling to provide his mum's name seems very suspicious to me, coupled with the lack of photos. I also find it odd that he's contacting you rather than his supposed dad.

Of course, there are genuine cases of men who don't acknowledge the children they fathered. But to me, this sounds more like some kind of scam or somebody (maybe a bitter ex) trying to mess with your relationship. Could you check for child maintenance deductions on your partner's payslip? Assuming this boy is a child and not an adult.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 27/10/2022 08:17

thalita605 · 26/10/2022 20:35

Yes, even though we have a child together. I didn't think it was any of my business as it's in the past and I didn't expect anything like this to happen.

I know everyone is different but as a partnership isn't having conversations about each others upbringings and family and stories to tell normal even if it's difficult?

I would say it is your business as your DC can't forge a relationship with their aunts, uncles and cousins?

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 27/10/2022 08:24

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 27/10/2022 08:17

I know everyone is different but as a partnership isn't having conversations about each others upbringings and family and stories to tell normal even if it's difficult?

I would say it is your business as your DC can't forge a relationship with their aunts, uncles and cousins?

Show quote history

It might be that approaching your FB quandary from a different angle could be significant.

Elfblossom · 27/10/2022 09:26

Over text? Where is he 'working away' that you couldn't have facetimed him or even voicecall rather than a text?

You can't judge body language on a text and now he has the heads up to get his story straight.

I would bet you every penny in my savings account that the boy is genuine.
He either is your partners son OR at the very least, has been told by his mum/others that he is.

He's approaching you first because it's bloody scary and huge and you feel a slightly less scary option - like a teenager getting his mate to ask a girl out rather than asking her himself.

And as for not giving you his mum's name, that's perfectly reasonable too if she doesn't know or doesn't want him to contact the father. He might tell you if you promise not to contact his mum without discussing it with him first.

A birth certificate will only prove what the boys name is - you can't put a fathers name on without him being there and IF your partners name were on it then, he's a big fat liar ... but, he's likely not on there, because he either did a runner when told about the pregnancy or maybe he didn't even ever know - that would be the best outcome for you and your relationship.

Questions to ask the boy are - how old are you? That will help solve the mystery. If he's under 16 at the least, I'd tread very carefully. They're brains & emotions aren't developed enough for this kind of thing - encourage him to talk to a safe, trusted adult in his life about this even if that person isn't his Mum.

Ask where he was born, where his Mum and Your partner met.

Ask him if he's tried contacting your partner directly, now or previously - it could be that he has and your partner hasn't seen it (sat in message requests) or has ignored it or even that he's aware of and has blocked the boy already.

Teenage boys with absent Dads is such a minefield (a totally unfair one for the child) and it's why I've tried so hard with my own son who's a secret in his Dad's new life. My son knows that if he really desperately wanted to contact his Dad, that he'd have my support (though I would try and get him to wait until he's st least 18 if not older) not all kids are that lucky.

Sunnysas · 27/10/2022 10:06

I don’t think the lack of a FB profile is suspicious as teens these days don’t really use it - more likely Snapchat etc. Probably it was a way for him to contact you. I feel you have a duty to cautiously take this seriously. For me a child has a right to know their father/family and that need must come before most other things. If it is a scam it will become apparent.

Sunnysas · 27/10/2022 10:21

misteriosa · 27/10/2022 00:51

The fact the he's unwilling to provide his mum's name seems very suspicious to me, coupled with the lack of photos. I also find it odd that he's contacting you rather than his supposed dad.

Of course, there are genuine cases of men who don't acknowledge the children they fathered. But to me, this sounds more like some kind of scam or somebody (maybe a bitter ex) trying to mess with your relationship. Could you check for child maintenance deductions on your partner's payslip? Assuming this boy is a child and not an adult.

Could he just be nervous, frightened or apprehensive of the consequences of disclosing his mum. I’m guessing he’s frightened about rejection from your do and so has turned to you. What age are you thinking the boy is? This is a huge deal for the child/young person and you need to tread carefully to protect them. If true he is the victim/ innocent party in this.

Original poster

thalita605 · 27/10/2022 15:33

Yes, I asked him over text as he said he is too busy to video call. He is home tomorrow though so will talk to him properly then. The boy said he is 16, so DP would've been 19/20, he did say he used to see DP but of course he could be making it up for whatever reason.

OP posts:

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/10/2022 15:50

A scammer would be silly to say that he used to see your DP as that would instantly prove to your DP that he was a scammer and that would be the end of the scam.

Unless he's got completeky the wrong person it sounds genuine to me

MRSE20 · 27/10/2022 15:53

It sounds genuine to me too, just being honest

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 27/10/2022 16:00

MRSE20 · 27/10/2022 15:53

It sounds genuine to me too, just being honest

Me too. The pp who said about teenagers not using Facebook is absolutely correct. Could explain the lack of info on his profile etc. It would be the logical way to find anyone over the age of 25-30.

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 16:01

I think it’s true as well my exes child when he got in contact only had a picture of a cartoon character and no other details on his profile, kids don’t really use Facebook.

Iliveonahill · 27/10/2022 16:14

My young adults do not use FB. My SIL used FB to find her dad.

thelobsterquadrille · 27/10/2022 16:32

thalita605 · 27/10/2022 15:33

Yes, I asked him over text as he said he is too busy to video call. He is home tomorrow though so will talk to him properly then. The boy said he is 16, so DP would've been 19/20, he did say he used to see DP but of course he could be making it up for whatever reason.

I'm genuinely wondering whether the reason your DP doesn't speak to his family is because he abandoned this boy.

CPL593H · 27/10/2022 17:06

Elfblossom · 27/10/2022 09:26

Over text? Where is he 'working away' that you couldn't have facetimed him or even voicecall rather than a text?

You can't judge body language on a text and now he has the heads up to get his story straight.

I would bet you every penny in my savings account that the boy is genuine.
He either is your partners son OR at the very least, has been told by his mum/others that he is.

He's approaching you first because it's bloody scary and huge and you feel a slightly less scary option - like a teenager getting his mate to ask a girl out rather than asking her himself.

And as for not giving you his mum's name, that's perfectly reasonable too if she doesn't know or doesn't want him to contact the father. He might tell you if you promise not to contact his mum without discussing it with him first.

A birth certificate will only prove what the boys name is - you can't put a fathers name on without him being there and IF your partners name were on it then, he's a big fat liar ... but, he's likely not on there, because he either did a runner when told about the pregnancy or maybe he didn't even ever know - that would be the best outcome for you and your relationship.

Questions to ask the boy are - how old are you? That will help solve the mystery. If he's under 16 at the least, I'd tread very carefully. They're brains & emotions aren't developed enough for this kind of thing - encourage him to talk to a safe, trusted adult in his life about this even if that person isn't his Mum.

Ask where he was born, where his Mum and Your partner met.

Ask him if he's tried contacting your partner directly, now or previously - it could be that he has and your partner hasn't seen it (sat in message requests) or has ignored it or even that he's aware of and has blocked the boy already.

Teenage boys with absent Dads is such a minefield (a totally unfair one for the child) and it's why I've tried so hard with my own son who's a secret in his Dad's new life. My son knows that if he really desperately wanted to contact his Dad, that he'd have my support (though I would try and get him to wait until he's st least 18 if not older) not all kids are that lucky.

@Elfblossom thanks for posting this, totally agree and really good pointers for OP.

GrimDamnFanjo · 27/10/2022 17:46

I think there's a birth record index available on gro.gov.uk which would let you search for his name, year and quarter of birth and registration area. It would also give his mothers surname.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/10/2022 19:15

GrimDamnFanjo · 27/10/2022 17:46

I think there's a birth record index available on gro.gov.uk which would let you search for his name, year and quarter of birth and registration area. It would also give his mothers surname.

I dont suppose you have a link for that? I've googled my children's name and year of birth and nothing comes up

I had no idea that information was available for anyone to see and I'd like to find out how to get my details removed.

HoHoHowMuch · 27/10/2022 20:00

Ask the person for proof. If it is a scammer they won't be able to.

Frazzledmummy123 · 27/10/2022 21:15

thalita605 · 27/10/2022 15:33

Yes, I asked him over text as he said he is too busy to video call. He is home tomorrow though so will talk to him properly then. The boy said he is 16, so DP would've been 19/20, he did say he used to see DP but of course he could be making it up for whatever reason.

He can't spare even 5 minutes to video call you the entire time away? Call me cynical, and of course I could be totally wrong, but maybe the boy has tried to contact him first and dp knows he might have contacted you....

MightyOaks · 27/10/2022 21:35

HoHoHowMuch · 27/10/2022 20:00

Ask the person for proof. If it is a scammer they won't be able to.

How the hall could an abandoned child 'prove' anything about this?

MightyOaks · 27/10/2022 21:35

*hell

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/10/2022 21:47

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/10/2022 15:50

A scammer would be silly to say that he used to see your DP as that would instantly prove to your DP that he was a scammer and that would be the end of the scam.

Unless he's got completeky the wrong person it sounds genuine to me

The dp could still tell op it's a scam. By the looks of this thread many women would believe him as well

HoHoHowMuch · 27/10/2022 22:14

@MightyOaks short of dna it's hard to prove, but I would be asking for something. Meeting family, mum's agreement, emails or letters, child support evidence. I realise that would be difficult for a 16 year old to access, but wouldn't be meeting a potential scammer without a hint of a link.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 27/10/2022 22:26

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/10/2022 19:15

I dont suppose you have a link for that? I've googled my children's name and year of birth and nothing comes up

I had no idea that information was available for anyone to see and I'd like to find out how to get my details removed.

Show quote history

Grim has literally given you the link. It's just not a clicky one. You won't be able to get your details removed though. Births, marriages and deaths are a matter of national record.