To ask if I should reply to this weird Facebook message?

[thalita605]

Just that really.

Been with DP for 2.5 years, we have an 8mo together and our relationship is good and he's a good dad to DD. He's currently working away and this afternoon I had a message request on FB from what I assume is a teenage boy, although he doesn't have any pictures himself on his account, unless he's made it all private. He said he was DP’s son, he doesn't know if DP has told me about him but he wants to meet. I don't know if this is genuine or not, as he's never mentioned a son, neither has MIL, I've not met other family members as he doesn't speak to them.

I'm not sure if I should reply or not, part of me doesn't think I should but another part things I should. WWYD?

Ignore, and block him on FB. Whatever this is, it’s going to end up with a whole load of trouble you don’t want. This person is nothing to you. Protect yourself.

Scam or someone is trying to ruffle your feathers, block and delete. The info you mention would be so easy to find out these days I'd suggest they try harder. A faceless account too, come on you aren't so gullible surely?

Soon enough it'll be "I'd love to meet you but I can't afford the plane/train/bus fare can you send me xx amount of money?"

And then if that happens, any sensible person would block them, no?

Nothing about this screams scam to me, but then I was the one who received a message like this and it turned out to be 100% accurate - except there were four children he hadn't told me about 😬

It's the fact that he knows the brothers' name (not linked via Facebook) that makes me think it could be genuine.

Are you kidding? You know that sort of information is readily available in the public domain, don't you?

Even easier if the DP and his brother have joint Facebook friends, and easier still if one of those friends has had their account hacked.

This is between your DH and (potential) son if it's genuine. I wouldn't get involved at all. It's possible that someone just wants to drive a wedge between the two of you.

He could have got details about your DH's football team and brother from old social media accounts, family history sites, etc. to scam you. He should be able to give you details if he has come to you. You come to people with big things, you should be prepared to show the evidence!

The only thing I'd do is to ensure at least from your side your DD is protected via your will. I stress this point because if you both pass away at the same time and if you go first or you go earlier anyway, and this does end up being genuine this son would stand to inherit a cut of everything DH did from when you died, plus anything from DH.

AnApparitionQuipped · Yesterday 07:21

Ask his mum's name, and see if she is an ex of your DP.

She doesn't need to be an ex, she could be a ONS that he barely remembers

True, but if you have the mother's name and the boy's name and dob it would be easy enough to look up a birth certificate for the boy.
This would at least tell you that the boy officially exists, then you'd need to ask for some ID from the boy and his mother, to prove they are who the documents say they are. A copy of passport or driving license maybe?
If you have this, then I'd be inclined to think it's genuine and get DNA tests done to prove they are related

She doesn't need to be an ex, she could be a ONS that he barely remembers

But a ONS that she remembers the name of so well that her DS can track him down on Facebook?

I do know that.

But I also think if a scammer is going to sit there and look up the information for random brothers to try and (maybe) get money out of someone, they'd do it in a much more sophisticated way than via a Facebook message to the partners' girlfriend, lol.

*to the alleged dad's girlfriend, rather. I was distracted watching GBBO on catch-up

And that is exactly why they'd do it. You've answered your own question. Why bother with sophisticated when an unsophisticated Facebook message will make enough people drop their guard?

Well, IMO there's a massive difference between speaking to your DP and doing some further investigation, and dropping your guard to the point of sending money to a total stranger.

Enough men out there lie about their children or are totally oblivious to their existence (due to a ONS or similar) that it's naive to just immediately write it off as a scam.

It happened to me. The message came via an "anonymous" account but after some digging and chatting (without giving away any money or personal details) a birth certificate proved the person wasn't lying and three other children came out of the woodwork too.

People lie. I would want to know, for sure, that the person was a scammer before writing it off. Imagine blocking them and finding out in 10-15 years time that they were telling the truth all along?

I haven't suggested blocking them. I'm merely pointing out the naivety of thinking that knowing the brother's name suggests it might be genuine, or that scammers would automatically choose sophisticated methods.

If I were the OP it would be mum's name plus dob, or come back in a few years. I'd be pointing out that there's little use in hiding mum's name if you're about to announce your existence to Dad as he's going to work it out pretty quickly anyway.

I don't think it's naivety to consider that messages like this could be genuine. It happens, and has happened to several posters on this thread alone.

Personally I think the idea of not revealing mum's name is so OP doesn't go and message her directly and get the child in trouble for looking up his dad online/behind her back.

I'm just saying, people shouldn't just assume it's a scam because the page is private and mum's name hasn't been mentioned. It's always worth doing some digging because well, let's face it, this is hardly something minor if it turns out to be true.

I'd tell him that unless he can provide some stronger information like his Mums name etc that unfortunately there's not much more you can do. If he really wants your help then he'll give you the information. After all he's throwing a bomb into your life so should be able to back up his accusations with real infortmation.

For those asking why I don't trust DP, I do trust him and there is a possibility that it's a lie/troll but there's also a possibility that this boy is telling the truth.

When the boy first messaged I did send a screenshot to DP and he said he doesn't know who he is, I did mention him knowing the brothers name last night and he said it's probably a coincidence as it was a very common name. DP hasn't done any ancestry DNA type things.

The reason I haven't blocked him as he could possibility be DD’s half brother, I do think if true DP has had contact with him in the past as PP’s have said due to his ‘i don't know if DP has told you about me’ and him mentioning he has no photos of him and DP.

Surely dna will sort this out.

well "has he told you about me" could also mean

Mum told him she was pregnant after a ONS back in XXXX and he ghosted her? so no idea if the lady went onto have a child or what sex.

if its a scam, you'd find out quite quick when they ask for money. At present you can only ask for some details of how mum and dad met which could be verified - ie even a town and year would give you a sense of totally wrong or potentially possible (and they could have shagged and still not be the dad!)

Some men do keep secrets, sometimes for a long, long time. My DS1 has a friend ('Bob') whose father has kept him a secret for over 30 years now. He wasn't seeing or married to his now wife when Bob was born so no real reason to hide his existence from her (or his children with her). The father has always been in Bob's life and supported him financially, paid for his schooling, etc. He's wealthy, but not a 'known' person so not like he needs to hide his indiscretions from the public. It makes no sense to keep such a secret in this day and age, but he and Bob have a good father/son relationship and Bob doesn't want to rock the boat now.

But on the other hand, I used to work in 'skip tracing' for the US Govt and it is absolutely amazing the amount of personal information we could find about people just using the internet. And this was in the early 2000s, long before 'big' social media. I imagine someone with a modicum of skill and a desire to scam could find just about anything on just about anyone these days.

I tried to look at OP's situation from the viewpoint of being an adopted child and contacting a birth parent. I would certainly be willing to provide more information than this young man has. I guess I'd tell him, look, either you provide me with your mum's name, your birthdate and place, and what you know of where they met, your 'birth story', etc or I will have to report you to FB as a potential scammer.

Personally I think the idea of not revealing mum's name is so OP doesn't go and message her directly and get the child in trouble for looking up his dad online/behind her back. well, if the mum has been prepared to give this boy the dad’s name, the dad’s brother’s name, the name of the football team he supports, and then said that he would be in trouble if he ever went looking, that says an awful lot about her, and none of it complimentary.

But the truth is it’s incredibly easy to find out a lot about someone purely from their name.

We recently found out that one of my parents has a half sibling they never knew about. We didn’t contact them, but from their name alone, and even though they have a fairly locked down fb profile I was able to find out:

Their husband’s name
Their other sibling’s name, who is now deceased. What the sibling died from, the children’s names, ages and dates of birth.
Her job and employer. I brought up her linkedin profile and found out how long she had worked there.

And all I had to start with was a name. There is no such thing as anonymity on the internet.

So no. A common brother’s name wouldn’t sell it to me.

I’m afraid that if someone wants to be taken seriously there is a price to pay. And that price is giving out something genuinely identifying such as his mother’s name or failing that, agreeing to a DNA test, although if he’s under 18 he may not be able to do that.

If he’s not prepared to give out one of those things then it’s an absolute no.

This is why I’m so against e.g. the idea of donor conception. Because when the children born of those conceptions goes looking for their biological heritage, they are the ones who have to make the most sacrifices.

My ex fiancé had a secret child that him and his mum had completely covered up. He apparently lost contact due to distance & a whole host of lame excuses (asides the fact hes a complete shit of father) I was about to marry him when I found out. I had absolutely no idea. People do lie about these things unfortunately, easier for them to completely deny all knowledge. I don’t think this is a scam at all and if it was it’d soon become clear. Hope you can get to the bottom of these OP XXX

Forgot to put in my PP earlier, but he did tell me the area he's from and it's not far (only about half an hour away) which makes me think it isn't a scam but of course it could be someone trying to cause trouble in our relationship, I'm not sure who though as he's been NC with his brother/family for about 4/5 years, I don't 100% know why just that there was an argument, I didn't ask what about as I didn't think it was anything to do with me.

I'm not sure who though as he's been NC with his brother/family for about 4/5 years, I don't 100% know why just that there was an argument, I didn't ask what about as I didn't think it was anything to do with me.

Even though you have a child together?

I think it's really strange to have not had a chat about this in any depth at all tbh.

Yes, even though we have a child together. I didn't think it was any of my business as it's in the past and I didn't expect anything like this to happen.

Fair enough. It's just very unusual after 2.5 years and a baby not to know something pretty big like why your partner doesn't speak to almost everyone in his whole family.

See I agree. I'd want to know before I married and/or had a child with a man why he was on the 'outs' with his family. It could be innocuous, like he wasn't sufficiently grateful for the gift that Great Aunt Susie gave him or that Uncle Al left him money and he 'didn't share'. Or it could be that he beat his ex, had a gambling/drug problem or prison time in the past. Or that Uncle Reggie who is at every family party is a paedo and he refused to be around him. Maybe he doesn't speak to his family because they backed this child's mother that he should be involved in his life. Who knows?

What has happened in someone's past can come back to bite them. And not only bite them, but bite the people who are close to them, as this thread seems to show. What would OP think if it's proven to be true and her partner shuts this young man out and refuses to discuss it, then 15 years from now this young man contacts HER child and says "Hi, I'm your brother"? Forewarned is forearmed.