To think women should have more sway in naming babies

[yellowbottles]

Lighthearted. Ish. Maybe.

AIBU in thinking women should have the most say in naming their children?

I'm about 8 weeks away from giving birth and still deep in what has been a physically awful pregnancy. I've been incredibly ill throughout and it's taken me to the edge mentally and emotionally.

DH and I married last year. I took on his name, in an ideal world I would have double barreled but my maiden name was already a double barreled name, so I decided to take on my new husbands surname. Our baby will have his surname.

We're getting to the naming baby crunch talks, and we can't decide! He has his favourites, I have mine. AIBU to think that, as he gets to pass his surname on to baby, and as recognition of a bloody rough 9 months that I've endured, I should have final say on first-naming our baby?

Everyonehasavoice

Hahaha, no - nothing wrong with your opinion at all, and very succinctly put; just a little late for OP!

DP and I chose baby names years before we had one. We were agreed on the name. Then, later in my pregnancy, after all I’d been through, I started feeling disconnected to that name. I ended up choosing a name special to me and my family. He wasn’t happy but now he loves it and can’t imagine anything else. As an added bonus, baby was going to have his surname but after the birth trauma I had a come to Jesus moment and gave baby my surname. Best decision ever and DP even happy with that now too and wouldn’t change it.
A baby’s name is a mother’s prerogative. You make the choice. Him indoors will get used to it.

I've always found it really strange that these days men had any right to pick the name, especially of the first child.

Ooh my first zombie thread, I'm honored!!

Baby is indeed a month old now and you'll be pleased to know I got my way re: naming. We ended up with a shortlist of three and used the name that was my favourite, which I had added to the list. Now I'm flushed of all my pregnancy hormones I'm actually pleased my husband vetoed some of my wilder name suggestions, we've landed on a name that's not crazy but not too common either, and the overwhelming reaction to it is positive.

Well there you go. You benefited from your husbands input anyway.

I agree with you.

I didn’t take my DH’s name, but my kids took it. We bickered loads about it. DH also wanted equal weighting on what their first names would be. (But if I’d felt strongly about any first name - I didn’t - he wouldn’t have argued against it.)

I wonder, when my kids grow up, if they’ll think I was being old fashioned and unfeminist in giving them his last name when I don’t have it!

A friend of mine flipped a coin. Heads it was her surname, tails it was his. It was heads, they never talked about it again.

I agree with your OP.
He’s given them their surname. You get to choose the first. But hopefully you get on well enough that you’ll both be happy.

I replied to this thread in October and nearly did the same reply today..... always rtft 😂😂😂

Works the other way round as well, I remember the mum on the maternity ward I was on who was hysterical when her husband arrived with the birth certificate with a name she hated.

Obviously the best thing is if you can agree.

Works the other way round as well, I remember the mum on the maternity ward I was on who was hysterical when her husband arrived with the birth certificate with a name she hated.

It seems relatively common - especially in previous generations - where the father went straight off to the registrar on his own and either chose whatever he wanted or otherwise fouled it up (or quite likely pretended to do so, in order to get his own choice).

My DF used his middle name as his first name all his life, as that was intended to be the case - except his DF (allegedly) made a mistake and swapped the chosen first and middle names around when registering him.

It's common knowledge that a father who isn't married to the mother isn't allowed to register the baby; but a lot don't always understand the flip-side that a man who is married to the mother - even if he isn't the biological father of the baby - is able to go on his own and register the baby, if he wants to, whether with the agreement of the mother or not.

I personally find it a real stretch to believe that people genuinely make mistakes with registering their baby's name. It's not like accidentally picking the wrong brand of beans off the shelf in Tesco - it's a very special, rare occasion where everybody knows you take your time, take a lot of care and check everything very carefully. I also can't understand why any involved, loving parent would actively choose not to go along to register their child with the other parent, unless there are extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the update, OP - glad your little one is now here and everybody is happy.

Wish I’d done that.
Much fairer,

Nah, should be agreed between both parents. Do you really want to insist on a name your partner hates? Or if you do "get your way" on that name, he should get first pick on the next name. Compromise.

I think the father should have some input. It wouldn't be good if he hated his child's name. That said, I do think the final decision should be the mother's if neither party can agree.

Flip a coin.
Winners favourite is first name
Losers favourite is middle name

Be prepared for the child to change their name….

YABU and very odd.
The offsprinhg does not belong more to one partner thn another

You kind of lost your own argument as soon as you took your husband's name.

I also can't understand why any involved, loving parent would actively choose not to go along to register their child with the other parent, unless there are extenuating circumstances

DD was born at the height of the pandemic and they were strongly encouraging only one person to go in the case of married couples. I sent DH, since I’d had a section and was still sore and didn’t fancy the drive to the city centre then long walk from the nearest car park. If it hasn’t have been lockdown we might have done it differently but I didn’t particularly feel like I missed anything. DH got the names right though, not a chance in hell he’d have ‘accidentally’ change it, even if the first name was more my choice than his.

I didn't go to register any of my kids. However, I did write their names down in big clear letters for my now ex to register them. Especially as spelling isn't his strong point.

Why didn't I go? Not sure really. I never felt I had to. They were born in a town miles away from where we lived, but ex worked there, so it was easy for him to pop in and register them on his lunch break or whenever (no appointment needed) I also had c-sections so couldn't be doing with extra stuff he could deal with.

We agreed on names, or rather, mostly I told him what I liked and he generally agreed, so I knew he wouldn't be off registering them as something odd.

His dad did that with his sister apparently, his mum had chosen a couple of names and he went and registered her as something completely different.

Agree 100%. I'm due on Saturday. I've had 9+ months of exhaustion, sickness, aches and pains, insomnia. I'm about to go through pain like no other where my life will be at risk. My body will never be the same again. I'm losing money through mat leave, also pension contributions. I intend to breastfeed again so will single handedly nourish the newborn until it is six months and weaning starts. Society will expect more of me than his father. I will be judged more harshly and praised less readily for basic parenting. Damn right I get final say.

Oh for goodness sake! We're nearly all mothers here and have been there. Yes, it's a massive thing for you right now, but turning pregnancy and birth into a drama equivalent to the first conquering of Everest, is just way over the top!

It seems to me that when mothers feel that they should take priority in things like naming, they're almost punishing the baby's father for not being pregnant and giving birth alongside then. But it's not like they made a choice not to, and deliberately left you with the short straw. They simply cannot do it. They don't have the anatomy and they don't have that choice.

If you want your partner to be an active and equal parent for the next 18+ years, you need to treat them as one and give them an equal say from the off. If you don't, then why should they see themselves as equally responsible for the child?

Just see how you feel when the baby comes. When I was with my ex I’d chosen the girl name and he’d chosen the boy name. We had a son, that’s the way it goes. It’s a bloody lovely name though and one i’d never have even considered before he suggested it.

I agree with you !

When we were naming DD I was 100% set on Elsa or Alexa. DH vetoed both and I spent ages trying to convince him but he wouldn't budge. I'm obviously very grateful now on both counts!

@saraclara totally agree!!!!!!