To think women should have more sway in naming babies

[yellowbottles]

Lighthearted. Ish. Maybe.

AIBU in thinking women should have the most say in naming their children?

I'm about 8 weeks away from giving birth and still deep in what has been a physically awful pregnancy. I've been incredibly ill throughout and it's taken me to the edge mentally and emotionally.

DH and I married last year. I took on his name, in an ideal world I would have double barreled but my maiden name was already a double barreled name, so I decided to take on my new husbands surname. Our baby will have his surname.

We're getting to the naming baby crunch talks, and we can't decide! He has his favourites, I have mine. AIBU to think that, as he gets to pass his surname on to baby, and as recognition of a bloody rough 9 months that I've endured, I should have final say on first-naming our baby?

Why does equality always favour men?

Hardly a team when the man gets to do nothing, have the family surname be his name, and then get equal input on the first name. Not much of a team effort that.

Yabu, I can’t agree with you in this. The child has two parents, that both need to like the name. He can’t give birth, that’s unfair to use it as a weapon.

Worked for me- you have got about a ten minute window!

For some bizarre reason my MIL thought she needed to get heavily involved in the naming of my firstborn and vetoed all of my names and set about choosing some new ones with DH. She didn’t win but god that was stressful at the time.

Agree @Miajk - it's possible to be a team but realize that, in life, one half of the couple will in some situations give more for reasons outside of everyone's control, and it's nice for that half to be rewarded for their efforts. If I'm going to deal with HG, PGP, piles and bleeding nipples, then it's nice for my husband to concede the final say on baby naming. Sounds like teamwork to me!

Oh god this sounds horrendous. The only input my ILs have had is just "please don't include our names, we hate them and we want you to pick ones you like" thank goodness

Of course pregnancy and birth aren’t equal. But both parents will be equally involved in the child’s life going forward. Choosing a name isn’t a decision like which pushchair to get or what colour to paint the baby’s room. It lasts for the child’s whole life (unless they choose to change it) and so to me basing a significant and permanent parenting decision on the the fact that one parent is more involved at the start of the child’s life is illogical. If he’s not a fan at birth, he can’t just rename it a few years later, like they can repaint a nursery he hates the colour of. And I’m a pretty big name nerd, so names are really important to me.

It’s not bending over backwards for men to say I don’t think that either partner has more rights to name a baby than the other. And the OP chose to change her last name to her husband’s, and in that decision implicitly also chose her husband’s name for her baby. It’s not the husband who ‘slapped’ the name on the baby. She could have kept her name and given that to the baby but that’s not what she chose to do.

We are TTC and DH has told me I get final say seeing as I have to carry the baby and then either give birth or get cut open! YANBU.

My DD has a double barrelled family name. His fault for having a common as muck one.

If it was like an acquaintance who is an only child whose husband also has a common as muck family name but a long one, he wouldn't even get that.

😁

That's a nice but naive view to have.

Ime even in supposedly happily married couples both parents are not equally involved in their childrens' lives. You only have to read the enormous amount of posts on here. Women end up doing virtually everything. Doctor's appts, sick days, school runs, birthday and Christmas presents etc...its never equal so why the hell do they get to be equal on the good stuff!

Op put your foot down hard on this as you will come to resent it bitterly.

Women end up doing virtually everything
Only the doormats or martyrs do. Sensible women don’t put up with that.

Yes, the reward is the child! Regardless of what they are called or who named them!

Babies should always have mums surname - if Mum has taken Dads surname then it's her name.
Me I haven't dropped my name for work despite being told by Mr Know It all FIL that's illegal. Maybe that's the teenage rebel within me.

First name should be liked by both parents. There's are 1000s of names you must be able to find something you both like.
One of mine had a couple of first names before I settled, and DH said that was my preference all along.
The other I named - I've said his names Bob, are you ok with that - as DH walked into the delivery suite after the birth.

Middle name less important but its definitely mums first choice.

We didn't name either of ours until a few days after the birth. We both had shortlists and tried them out on the new baby. Both names were on my shortlist, but not my favourite. I now can't imagine either of them being called anything else.

I think that's a bit of an unfair and biased view - there are far more men in the world who refuse or are incapable of taking responsibility for the children they father than there are doormat women. Mothers are the ones that end up picking up the slack of their incompetent partners by default, not design

My dh and I both work with young people so we both naturally had long lists of veto names! It made it really challenging but I couldn't imagine naming our child something we weren't both really happy with. It took a lot of weeks and much discussion but we got there eventually. I'd much rather make a joint decision on something that important than dismiss his opinion.

I cooked her and pushed her out. I chose her name. Luckily there was no conflict over it as I would have won.

Hmm that's certainly food for thought. We're still together by a thread but I still don't really know why he was so against the only name I wanted. So we went with a name neither of particularly liked. I cried and cried after we left the registry office, the name was so important to me.

I mean if the man can't do any of the birthing, pregnancy, post birth stuff the woman goes through why shouldn't she get more of a vote?
It's hardly 50/50 input from the get go is it?

If you think about it, doesn't that sort of boil down to the similar principle by which employers always used to favour men (and still do wherever they can get away with it) - because they weren't going to be taking all of the time off and the effort for having children?

If being the one who goes through all of the significant discomfort, pain and other challenges of carrying and giving birth to the baby entitles you to claim primary rights and responsibilities as parent - even for something as fundamental as choosing the baby's name on your own, which is the point at which the father can begin to take on equal responsibility (other than BFing) - how would you square that if your common-or-garden sexist flipped it around to say that the parent who is therefore able to focus and commit to a paid job, taking little more than standard annual leave, and freedom from all of the pregnancy and birth traumas and mundane child-related decisions and admin, should therefore be entitled to be considered a more 'primary' employee?

In the old pre-equal employment rights days, women did have most of the routine parenting rights and (usually) responsibilities - not because they were considered to 'deserve' them more, but because most fathers couldn't be bothered, children were women's work (which seems to be the path that some people on this thread are choosing to bind themselves to from the very start) and thus fathers could get away with doing very little for their own children. Women also weren't allowed to decline these responsibilities, even if they wanted more of an equal input elsewhere in society in things not solely related to motherhood and housework.

TL;DR (or got confused): if you put your mark in the ground from the outset that this is (mainly) MY child, don't be surprised if the father later expects not to take on his share of parental responsibility.

I totally agree. My ex kicked up a real fuss over our babies names, and I ended up agreeing just to keep him sweet. I didn't dislike the names but they weren't my favourites. Now he hardly has anything to do with them and I really wish I'd chosen the names I'd wanted and not let him bully me into naming them

I had a name I wanted but ultimately I felt it was should be joint decision. Each to their own though.

My DH won with naming our first it was on our shortlist but his middle name was actually my favourite, I was too tired to argue.
Second I named originally DH wasn't keen but actually on birth said it suited. I also found the optimal window being before 24 hours after birth as my way!

After watching, ashen faced, as I gave birth to our son, my husband readily accepted that I had dibs on naming.

As long as your husband doesn't actively dislike your name choices, then I believe it should ultimately be your decision. Maybe incorporate his name choice into the middle name? That way, you're still respecting his wishes, but getting the outcome you want.

Up to a point. I don’t think either partner should get to choose a name the other actively dislikes though.