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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think women should have more sway in naming babies

177 replies

yellowbottles · 23/10/2022 20:06

Lighthearted. Ish. Maybe.

AIBU in thinking women should have the most say in naming their children?

I'm about 8 weeks away from giving birth and still deep in what has been a physically awful pregnancy. I've been incredibly ill throughout and it's taken me to the edge mentally and emotionally.

DH and I married last year. I took on his name, in an ideal world I would have double barreled but my maiden name was already a double barreled name, so I decided to take on my new husbands surname. Our baby will have his surname.

We're getting to the naming baby crunch talks, and we can't decide! He has his favourites, I have mine. AIBU to think that, as he gets to pass his surname on to baby, and as recognition of a bloody rough 9 months that I've endured, I should have final say on first-naming our baby?

OP posts:
samyeagar · 25/10/2022 19:48

Eh, The mum should get to decide, that way when the kid hates their name...

RaginaPhalange · 25/10/2022 20:04

toastofthetown · 23/10/2022 20:30

I disagree. Naming a baby is a parenting decision just like any other. The child is both of yours and will have the name for the rest of its life. You and DH will have to compromise on thousands of issues over your child's life and the name is just the first one. How long do you think you being the pregnant one and getting the casting vote as a result should last.

It sounds like you're regretting changing your name and transferring that feeling onto your baby's name. It's not too late for you to change back and give you child a mix between your name and DH's name, or change your name to that name to. If you maiden name was Anderson-Jones and your husband's name is Smith, you and the baby could be Anderson-Smith or Smith-Jones.

This^

I loved the name Harris but dh was dead against it. We short listed names and we picked the one we liked the best. Roles were reversed with ds 2.

JudgeJ · 25/10/2022 20:07

Asparagoose · 23/10/2022 20:11

I told my husband he could name any kids he gave birth to and I’d name the ones I gave birth to!

So the father has no part to play in creating children? Maybe he could say that you could name any baby you impregnated someone with! Some women do need to grow up and stop being petty.

shinynewapple22 · 25/10/2022 20:29

Quite honestly I think that if you are unable to come to a compromise or agreement over the naming if your child - you have a long and difficult road ahead of you.

BigFatLiar · 25/10/2022 21:54

RaginaPhalange · 25/10/2022 20:04

This^

I loved the name Harris but dh was dead against it. We short listed names and we picked the one we liked the best. Roles were reversed with ds 2.

Show quote history

Or give it a totally different name eg. Taylor or Wilson. Then all three of you can have different surnames.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 25/10/2022 22:15

JudgeJ · 25/10/2022 20:07

So the father has no part to play in creating children? Maybe he could say that you could name any baby you impregnated someone with! Some women do need to grow up and stop being petty.

Show quote history

Well the sperm weighed 0.001g, and the rest of the baby which the mother contributed is about 3000g. So yeah not much contribution really.
I think its a sign of a controlling man who wont let the mother have the final choice, particularly for her first gestation and birth. That being said a compromise is ideal.

AliasGrape · 25/10/2022 22:23

I kind of agree. I know it's a parenting decision and compromise is key and blah blah blah, but my gut feeling is the mum has a bit more of a say.

DH and I didn't agree on many names really. My first choice for a girl he actively disliked when I first suggested it, we ended up 'deciding' on a girls' name we both liked ok, but neither of us particularly loved.

We had a girl and DH said pretty much straight away that she was clearly not the compromise name, and that he actually thought my first choice was the right name. I'm not sure whether it was because DD really did look like her name, he really did decide he loved it all of a sudden, or he just felt sorry for me after a spectacularly shit time of it with the birth. But now he does love the name, and positively beams when we get compliments on it.

I wouldn't have insisted on a name he really hated, but I would have been very disappointed I think to have had to go with the compromise name - nice as it was it just never felt right. I did agree to sticking a middle name in that I wasn't 100% sold on, but which meant a lot to DH, and she has his surname although I somewhat regret that - he didn't insist I just sort of did it automatically because I couldn't be arsed with the pushback from family (his and mine), and now I'm a bit disappointed with myself.

BigFatLiar · 25/10/2022 22:27

Well the sperm weighed 0.001g,

But quite an important 0.001g.
Something wrong if you've got to this stage and are still not on the same page regarding names.

Justdontbejudgy · 25/10/2022 22:35

As soon as my husband witnessed child birth I got "my" name. I'm fairly certain you'll be in the same position. All the best with the rest of your pregnancy. 🙂

Pearfacebanana · 25/10/2022 22:43

I agree. We had agreed on first name but DH was against middle names full stop.
After giving birth I sobbed "but what if I never get to use this name" ... he said "oh go on have a middle name" SmileSmileSmile

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/10/2022 22:49

Well the sperm weighed 0.001g, and the rest of the baby which the mother contributed is about 3000g. So yeah not much contribution really.

I think its a sign of a controlling man who wont let the mother have the final choice, particularly for her first gestation and birth.

So do you believe that the mother should do 3 million times the amount of the childcare and pay 3 million times as much for the child's costs up to the age of 18, on that basis of working out which parent is 3 million times more important?

You can just as easily say that it's a sign of a controlling woman who seeks to deny a father an equal share of his basic rights as a parent (assuming a committed relationship and not a deadbeat dad) to have an equal say in naming his baby - taking advantage of the fact that he obviously cannot gestate or birth a baby.

It doesn't seem to me to be a sign of a loving, caring relationship when one of the couple seeks to exploit any biological advantage they have over the other in order to demand what they want.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/10/2022 22:51

But quite an important 0.001g.

Exactly. I'd love to see it wash in court if an arsonist burned down a barn and tried to claim "But, your Honour, I only struck one teeny-weeny little tiny match, so you can't really blame me for that massive fire!"

saraclara · 25/10/2022 23:03

These "when he pushes a baby out he can choose" type posts are ridiculous.
They'd only have a point to them if fathers actually had this option. They're always in a tone that implies that the father has selfishly opted out of gestation and childbirth.

And as others have pointed out, if the logic is that the mother has all the responsibility and decision making due to growing the baby, good luck with expecting 50:50 when it comes to night waking, nappy changing and childcare.

BogRollBOGOF · 25/10/2022 23:10

We agreed on baby's first name very easily. It was a middle name that we had a sticking point on. I found that DH didn't have much argument in him after being witness to 40 hours of labour, two hours of pushing, emergency surgery and he didn't even notice the extra stitches in the undercarriage.
After all that, I still had the capacity to argue the point and win my case. It was a name that meant a huge amount to me and was a minor point to DH.
My win was well earned.
Plus it's me that tends to end up writing the full name out on forms 😉

I wouldn't have insisted on a name that DH hated, but for a middle name or names that you have similar strength of feeling on, trashing your body for a year and permanent scarring should have some weighting.

Rowen32 · 25/10/2022 23:18

yellowbottles · 23/10/2022 23:27

I think that's a bit of an unfair and biased view - there are far more men in the world who refuse or are incapable of taking responsibility for the children they father than there are doormat women. Mothers are the ones that end up picking up the slack of their incompetent partners by default, not design

Show quote history

While I see where you're coming from, no, I think it needs to be a joint decision. The fact you have to go through pregnancy isn't his fault in the sense you didn't have a discussion and he said no, I'm not carrying the baby, he physically can't - a name is important, I think it's a joint decision.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 25/10/2022 23:37

The female created the child, every cell bar that one, over 10 months. He had an orgasm. She is also doing the breastfeeding and most of the care in the beginning. So no the roles and the contribution at that time are nowhere near the same, and if anyone is taking advantage its certainly not the person doing all the labour. If the relationship is a good one then I am sure they can come to a compromise, and both will want to. If its not, then who chooses? That will be the person who created and will be caring for the child, and we all know that 90% of single parents, are female.

Confusion101 · 25/10/2022 23:51

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/10/2022 22:51

But quite an important 0.001g.

Exactly. I'd love to see it wash in court if an arsonist burned down a barn and tried to claim "But, your Honour, I only struck one teeny-weeny little tiny match, so you can't really blame me for that massive fire!"

Exactly 🤣 next time I see a thread about the dad not "pulling his weight" with childcare I'm going to say well he only contributed 0.001g so...... 😅

altmember · 26/10/2022 00:22

You've got a shortlist, so just draw straws. Probably best to wait until after the child is born, because a name might fall more naturally then: "Well she doesn't really look like a Derek after all".

Everyonehasavoice · 23/01/2023 01:16

I agree it should be your final decision
Youve agreed kids you have will have his surname so he’s already made his choice ( so to speak) now it’s yours

I kept my own surname when we got married and our 3 have dh surname ( at the time I never questioned it ) but I am from a huge EIRE family and his us just him….so it’s all good.

But all middle names are my choice, all first names we just both liked, but I didnt like dh early choices so they just got ditched immediately.

Why….. because you re giving up your pelvic floor for life and have to give birth. Birth is not equal,

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/01/2023 01:18

I agree it should be your final decision
Youve agreed kids you have will have his surname so he’s already made his choice ( so to speak) now it’s yours

The baby will be about 3 weeks old now!

Everyonehasavoice · 23/01/2023 01:34

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/01/2023 01:18

I agree it should be your final decision
Youve agreed kids you have will have his surname so he’s already made his choice ( so to speak) now it’s yours

The baby will be about 3 weeks old now!

Dont be rude just because we all don’t agree with you
Thats bullying

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/01/2023 01:55

Dont be rude just because we all don’t agree with you
Thats bullying

Eh?!?!?!?!

I didn't say anything about agreeing or disagreeing with you - just pointing out that you've resurrected a thread about planning a name for an expected baby begun by a mother who now has a (presumably named) baby!

Bullying?!?!?!?!

Everyonehasavoice · 23/01/2023 02:13

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/01/2023 01:55

Dont be rude just because we all don’t agree with you
Thats bullying

Eh?!?!?!?!

I didn't say anything about agreeing or disagreeing with you - just pointing out that you've resurrected a thread about planning a name for an expected baby begun by a mother who now has a (presumably named) baby!

Bullying?!?!?!?!

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Thatll teach me
didnt see the date and thought you commented because I waffled on so much.

hope she got her choice and has control of that pelvic floor 😳

AndMeMyGrooveAndMyFriends · 23/01/2023 02:14

I think you should both come up with a list of names that you like (or neither dislikes) and then, for all the reasons you mention, you should get the final say!

Everyonehasavoice · 23/01/2023 02:17

AndMeMyGrooveAndMyFriends · 23/01/2023 02:14

I think you should both come up with a list of names that you like (or neither dislikes) and then, for all the reasons you mention, you should get the final say!

🤯see comment from webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll
we re a bit too late 😂😂😂