Page 5 | To think women should have more sway in naming babies

Miajk · 24/10/2022 00:23

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/10/2022 23:33

I mean if the man can't do any of the birthing, pregnancy, post birth stuff the woman goes through why shouldn't she get more of a vote?
It's hardly 50/50 input from the get go is it?

If you think about it, doesn't that sort of boil down to the similar principle by which employers always used to favour men (and still do wherever they can get away with it) - because they weren't going to be taking all of the time off and the effort for having children?

If being the one who goes through all of the significant discomfort, pain and other challenges of carrying and giving birth to the baby entitles you to claim primary rights and responsibilities as parent - even for something as fundamental as choosing the baby's name on your own, which is the point at which the father can begin to take on equal responsibility (other than BFing) - how would you square that if your common-or-garden sexist flipped it around to say that the parent who is therefore able to focus and commit to a paid job, taking little more than standard annual leave, and freedom from all of the pregnancy and birth traumas and mundane child-related decisions and admin, should therefore be entitled to be considered a more 'primary' employee?

In the old pre-equal employment rights days, women did have most of the routine parenting rights and (usually) responsibilities - not because they were considered to 'deserve' them more, but because most fathers couldn't be bothered, children were women's work (which seems to be the path that some people on this thread are choosing to bind themselves to from the very start) and thus fathers could get away with doing very little for their own children. Women also weren't allowed to decline these responsibilities, even if they wanted more of an equal input elsewhere in society in things not solely related to motherhood and housework.

TL;DR (or got confused): if you put your mark in the ground from the outset that this is (mainly) MY child, don't be surprised if the father later expects not to take on his share of parental responsibility.

Not really. By your logic it should be teamwork, so why do most women not keep their last name?

Why do women do most of the night feeds and everything with baby in the early months?

Why are women still discriminated against at work. It's not equal and bringing up equality only when men benefit from it is pretty crap.

Any man who isn't a pathetic selfish ass will acknowledge that he will never be able to contribute nearly as much to starting the family as his partner. Therefore, he would understand the least he can do is give her priority in choosing a first name to the child who already has his last name.

A man who doesn't see it this way and wants equality and 50/50 is a laughing stock, as it's very much not 50/50. What he means is he wants to always contribute no more than 50 but always have at least 50% control or input.

User839516 · 24/10/2022 05:48

I agree with PP, just play it cool just now, consider his name choices and leave it open. Don’t dig your heels in. Then once he has watched you go through childbirth he will 100% be so in awe of you / feel so bad for you that he will let you name the baby whatever you like.

Goldbar · 24/10/2022 06:33

I agree. I am naming our imminent baby, no discussion about it. I have done all the work for this pregnancy, including spending the last few months in and out of hospital while also trying to coordinate care for DC1 and do my job, and will do the larger chunk of the day-to-day work going forward, at least for the first year or so (and after that, until DH reduces his working hours as promised to be around more). DH can name our new car if he wants instead.

Confusion101 · 24/10/2022 07:40

Goldbar · 24/10/2022 06:33

I agree. I am naming our imminent baby, no discussion about it. I have done all the work for this pregnancy, including spending the last few months in and out of hospital while also trying to coordinate care for DC1 and do my job, and will do the larger chunk of the day-to-day work going forward, at least for the first year or so (and after that, until DH reduces his working hours as promised to be around more). DH can name our new car if he wants instead.

Jesus..... Does he like the name you are choosing? Oh sorry just saw you aren't discussing it at all. Lovely!

Quitelikeacatslife · 24/10/2022 08:10

My DH didn't love but didn't hate the name I wanted for DS . I got him to agree to it as soon as we knew it was a boy when they were still stitching me up in theatre! I said he could choose middle name and thankfully I liked it.

dammit88 · 24/10/2022 08:30

I think if you have got it down to a shortlist then actually yes its not unreasonable for you to make the final decision! Someone has to so its either you or him. If he had no input at all I don't think that would be right. But the shortlist is agreed together? So he likes the names on the list? Not unreasonable for you to have final pick!

Merryclaire · 24/10/2022 09:11

I agree OP. I think it should be chosen in consultation with the father and you shouldn’t pick something he hates but, where you can’t agree a name, the mother should get the final say.

Over time parenting should become 50/50 but at this stage you have done everything - you grew the baby inside you, gave birth and are the one with the strongest natural bond.

So for this decision I agree you should get priority. But you can’t keep using the ‘I gave birth to them’ card for other things down the line.

balalake · 24/10/2022 09:14

I think the registrars of births should be able to say no to stupid names or strange spellings. Moon Unit as an extreme example.

megletthesecond · 24/10/2022 09:16

Yanbu. XP forced me to use his surname and wouldn't let me double barrel it. The law won't let me officially double barrel even though he's been gone for 13 years.

startfresh · 24/10/2022 11:33

I feel lucky now. Had a girls name I always loved and when I told DH, he agreed.
Boys name, I never had anything that I specifically liked. We actually came across one together which we both liked.

So far had no issues with first names. (Or middle, but we took longer to figure that out, still we got there together with our first, let's see this time...)

AwkwardPaws27 · 24/10/2022 12:07

we have a shortlist of names we both like but can't make a decision on them (I have a clear winner)

If you have a shortlist of names you both like then I think you can play the "pregnancy and labour" card to get your favourite.

I don't think that applies to names your DH really dislikes - we had a shortlist and both had full veto powers - but if it's more a case of "here's a list of nice names, I slightly prefer this one and he slightly prefers that one" then the person who gives birth can have the final say.

In our case DH kept saying he wasn't sure but without making alternative suggestions. We got the Kinder app and drew up the exact same shortlist as months before 😂
I also had a strong favourite, and that is what we named DS.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/10/2022 01:14

Not really. By your logic it should be teamwork, so why do most women not keep their last name?

Why do women do most of the night feeds and everything with baby in the early months?

Why are women still discriminated against at work. It's not equal and bringing up equality only when men benefit from it is pretty crap.

Any man who isn't a pathetic selfish ass will acknowledge that he will never be able to contribute nearly as much to starting the family as his partner.

Therefore, he would understand the least he can do is give her priority in choosing a first name to the child who already has his last name.

A man who doesn't see it this way and wants equality and 50/50 is a laughing stock, as it's very much not 50/50. What he means is he wants to always contribute no more than 50 but always have at least 50% control or input.

But that's what I was driving at - probably in a clumsily-phrased way. It seems to me (and others will obviously disagree) that, by insisting on the rights to choosing the baby's name herself, a new mother is setting out her stall that this is all her responsibility and thus accepting her lot in life that she is primarily a mother and that he is thus the important one in all the non-parent-related things.

As we've already said, it should be teamwork. We have threads on here where new/imminent mums are worried about how they're going to afford all their share of the bills AND all the things the baby needs on reduced maternity pay. People (rightly) tell them that the costs are joint costs, as the baby has two parents. Decent fathers will understand this instinctively and not for a moment need to be told it; maybe the circumstances that lead a mother to insisting on sole/primary naming rights are indicative that there are already existing 'issues' of inequality and mutual mistrust/lack of respect in the relationship?

Itisbetter · 25/10/2022 01:18

I named all 5 of mine.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/10/2022 01:26

Over time parenting should become 50/50 but at this stage you have done everything - you grew the baby inside you, gave birth and are the one with the strongest natural bond.

So for this decision I agree you should get priority. But you can’t keep using the ‘I gave birth to them’ card for other things down the line.

But the name is not related to the pregnancy and birth only - yes, it is given at the early stages, but is obviously intended to last for the child's entire life, for the vast majority of which the parents (whilst alive) should be expected to take equal roles and bear equal responsibilities as parents.

It never ceases to amaze me, though, how many parents are apparently unable to find names that they both find agreeable. Does it also work with, say, where the family lives - where it's assumed/accepted that one parent will choose the house/location and the other will likely hate it it and just put up with it? People seem to usually find an agreeable compromise there, where both of them are happy/content with the choice of home (within the boundaries of what's available and what they can afford) - which I would expect to be far more likely to be contentious than which 2, 3 or 4 of a possible 25,000 names they can both happily agree on.

baxtersm · 25/10/2022 01:28

I have 4 kids. Each time when pregnant I went along with DH and took his suggestions on board about baby names. Once the little darlings were here I chose their name and he was only happy to go ahead with whatever I said as he felt so sorry for me having to birth them lol. Basically let him think he has an input!

KohlaParasaurus · 25/10/2022 02:31

My mother told me that according to family tradition she should choose the name of my first child. I told her that I was starting a new tradition and the only person naming my children would be the person giving birth to them. I did discuss names with both grandmothers and my husband and wouldn't have chosen anything that anyone had a reason not to like, but I made the final choice each time.

ThreeRingCircus · 25/10/2022 08:15

yellowbottles · 23/10/2022 23:27

I think that's a bit of an unfair and biased view - there are far more men in the world who refuse or are incapable of taking responsibility for the children they father than there are doormat women. Mothers are the ones that end up picking up the slack of their incompetent partners by default, not design

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Then why do women have children with men who are incapable or not going to take responsibility for their own offspring? It continually amazes me the number of posts on here about lazy DH's and mums doing all the night feeds/life admin/school runs/Christmas present buying/whatever. Why do they put up with this? Why would you choose an incompetent man child as the father of your children? Why wouldn't you demand better for yourself and your children?

DonnaBanana · 25/10/2022 08:21

You should be grateful he’s taking an interest. You’d probably be on here moaning he wasn’t an attentive father if he said he didn’t care about their names at all

saraclara · 25/10/2022 08:47

What happens if he then leaves all of the decisions and childcare responsibilities to you until the child is 18?

Exactly. If you're going to tell the father that he's the lesser parent from day 1, then frankly you'll reap what you sow.

TheHappyLoser · 25/10/2022 18:16

DonnaBanana · 25/10/2022 08:21

You should be grateful he’s taking an interest. You’d probably be on here moaning he wasn’t an attentive father if he said he didn’t care about their names at all

Or he could be the type of father who cares about the child getting their name, then pretty much nothing else from there on in.
You see it all the time.

Buttons294749 · 25/10/2022 19:23

I had my heart set on a name for DD. dh viscerally hated it and we settled on one from my top shortlist. (She was actually 2 weeks old at the time as i was expecting her to be male).

I was upset that he hated my fave name but equally i want him to love thr DC's names as much as i do. (And in hindsight the name she has is waaaaaay nicer).

I do however think you should double barrel your name with one of your maiden names and use that for DC

heyytheredelilah · 25/10/2022 19:25

Probably not in my case. If it was up to me my 4 children would be named Rocco, Rio, Meadow and Dolly…..
My partner vetoed them all and kept saying I was naming future adults, not pets.
I really had to compromise. 😬

Notagain12 · 25/10/2022 19:27

yellowbottles · 23/10/2022 20:06

Lighthearted. Ish. Maybe.

AIBU in thinking women should have the most say in naming their children?

I'm about 8 weeks away from giving birth and still deep in what has been a physically awful pregnancy. I've been incredibly ill throughout and it's taken me to the edge mentally and emotionally.

DH and I married last year. I took on his name, in an ideal world I would have double barreled but my maiden name was already a double barreled name, so I decided to take on my new husbands surname. Our baby will have his surname.

We're getting to the naming baby crunch talks, and we can't decide! He has his favourites, I have mine. AIBU to think that, as he gets to pass his surname on to baby, and as recognition of a bloody rough 9 months that I've endured, I should have final say on first-naming our baby?

No! I have had a child and did all the hard work but that wasn’t my husbands fault. I believe it’s 50/50 as you both made the baby and will raise it together. Also don’t get the bloody drama about taking DH’s name… if you don’t want to then don’t but don’t whinge about it after!

butterflyflutterby123 · 25/10/2022 19:38

Kpo58 · 23/10/2022 20:13

Well as you can go and get your child registered on your own, you can name then anything you like. I mean there could be arguments afterwards if you suddenly name your child Fizzy Moon Bat when you had both agreed on Abigail, but he couldn't stop you from doing so.

How did you know the top of my shortlist? It's that or Chocolate Peanut Butter Squares

pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 25/10/2022 19:41

What's stopping you? I named both of my children and they have my surname too.

My partner was fine with it (although one of our DS' does have the same first name as my DP, and both DC have names from family members on both sides).