Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

[Helphusbandsadick]

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

What would happen if you asked him to leave? He can quite clearly go stay with his parents.

Absolutely wouldn't be leaving my children with this woman. I'm a gran who has our grandchildren to stay fairly regularly. Of course they can speak to their parents when they are with us. We WhatsApp them or message to say goodnight.

They have a great time here, and love coming and get excited about being here, but I am the Gran and certainly wouldn't be cutting off their parents. When they were smaller and if they missed them, I would always let them chat, and if they got upset, we would just give them a cuddle and distract with something fun. Never lasted more than 10 minutes.

Bring your children home, send your DH to stay with the grandparents in their place. No need to call him every day. Let your MIL reap what she has sown - a useless man.

As per my previous post - the kids are NOT benefitting from having this lazy, selfish, grumpy man in their home. He doesn't act like a father or a husband - why would you want them continue having this role modelled to them?

As to the money - if you sold up, you'd be able to discharge your debts. Your H could go home to mummy, or live in the caravan - not your problem, is it?

Why are you spending any time worrying about & feeling sorry for him? He doesn't care about you, just that you continue being his own personal domestic appliance.

I agree.

In the kindest possible way you either need to stop moaning about it or do something about it.

Nothing is going to change unless you make changes yourself.

If you don’t want to leave then get your DH to do more around the house.

Get a job so you can get an income for when you do want to leave.

What the actual fuck did I just read. If my children's grandparents did not allow me to speak to my children, my children wouldn't be going there anymore unless I'm with them. Disgusting, op.

Also I do actually feel a bit sorry for dh
But not your children who are clearly affected by this toxic family? A son who doesn’t want his dad anywhere near him and a daughter who has to sneakily text you when she’s at her grandparents. Do you realise how much this situation is affecting them mentally? You should feel sorry for your children not your useless excuse of a husband.

I think I was kind of hoping things would improve once the children are a little older

I actually have quite a good job and I am the main breadwinner - although his basic salary is a lot higher then mine - I work regular overtime so that boosts my wage to above his

yes I feel like I’m almost ready to make all these changes - I know my daughter will be absolutely heart broken - she really has a heart of gold and she knows her dad isn’t the best but will certainly feel awful for him 😥

But you’re still happy to leave your kids there when it suits you.

I think I was kind of hoping things would improve once the children are a little older

This is the passivity that posters have picked up on here and on your other threads. You have agency. Stop being a passenger in your own life and just letting things happen to you!

Also, if we’re talking about impact on your kids - your daughter is currently a tween who is being parentified by her useless father because he can’t be arsed dealing with your son. She is also, at the age of 10, aware that she has to hide it if she messages her mum because said mum is incapable of standing up for herself and her kids.

Your son is dealing with a father who, by all accounts, can’t stand him.

And you’re passively letting that happen and hoping things sort themselves out. I find that heartbreaking.

Many years ago before our children we where at a party at there house, we told them we were getting a dog. His mother literally shouted at me like a child, in front of everyone (there where 18 people in the house at the time, all his family members) saying how I can’t even look after myself, let alone a dog!!! My husband didn’t say 1 thing! She was literally screaming at me! I walked out of the house and went home in tears, alone!!! My husband came home 1 hour later!

Why would you stay with someone like this?

OP, I'd be fucking raging if she stopped me from speaking to my DCs, who does she think she is!

The way she's been treating you is awful and I feel this a lot since my DH is also a wet flannel when it comes to his DM, however I have put her in her place over time. She is still annoying at times but knows very well I would not hesitate to tell her where she belongs if she crossed the line. We were NC for several years, partly due to DH's white lies and miscommunications because he's a wet flannel but she has a streak to her I am well aware of and watch her carefully.

If your DH is so weak then you need to be the decisive one and limit contact to occasional day time only, they can still do fun stuff with your DCs but for the sake of your peace, stay away at all other times. I would also say your DH needs to explore his own issues with his DM. My DH is now in counselling and what started off as counselling for a suspected different reason has now turned out to full blown exploration of his long standing issues with his DM which I expected to some extent, but I think we're both shocked as to how much she's damaged him over the years through being too controlling and overpowering. It's so hard to be married to someone with these issues and have a difficult MIL, unless you've walked in this shoes, you will never understand. But I'm telling you now, you matter and you've been way too kind and forgiving!

Yes. They are YOUR children not hers and she has no right to prevent you talking to them. She's crossed a line many times and will continue to control you if you leave your kids with her.
You'll have to give your husband an ultimatum over this because he isn't supporting you, he's siding with her.

Lord above OP I think you're an actual saint to put up with your husband and his family. You're not responsible for him, he's a grown man. There is no partnership between you at all. I actually feel a bit teary for you now - imagine how stress free your life would be without him and overbearing inlaws and strict custody arrangements. A good divorce solicitor would make mince meat of your husband and put a well-deserved leash on your MiL. I understand your position but I hope you find an out sooner rather than later. I'm heartbroken for your son too - totally dejected by his dad and refusing to spend time with him. He is of no benefit to you or your children.

This why are you allowing it. I would've stopped overnights and possibly babysitting after first time tbh. Weird that you let them do this

Oh, and OP, my DH was in some ways similar to yours, behaviour has changed and I left him several times. We officially separated and I am still pondering whether to divorce him. He's now in counselling and on medication for depression and is also awaiting further assessments and his behaviour has changed for better significantly. I have no doubt now he was depressed but I didn't quite appreciate how severe it was, the impact it had on me and our family, on his personality and disengagement, honestly it's shocking to me as I've never been depressed myself. I am watching this carefully now because I need to understand what was a result of his illness and where the line is between that and him being a twat, if there is a line. Then I will decide whether to stay with him or not. He's only started addressing his issues fairly recently so I will allow few months but not more, I don't want to be in a limbo and waste my life if he is a twat or if his attitude does not improve permanently. You can't keep going this way, he needs to address his issues, he's wearing you down and has a terrible impact on your kids. It's not fair or acceptable.

I have only relatively recently (few years ago) realised how much I was leaned on and ignored by my DM who is also depressed, over the years. I somehow missed my DH's symptoms as they were a bit different, but once he got diagnosed, I understood why my life was so bloody hard for a while around the two of them and why I got so bloody anxious. Don't let this happen to you and put some tough love in place asap, if they don't respect this and sort themselves out then leave him. You're not here to save the world and everyone in it. Look after yourself and your DCs, full stop.

OP there are lots of issues here and you've got s lot on your plate working through it all.

On the original issue of your MIL not allowing calls with the kids, I think you should put your foot down firmly with quiet confidence THIS week. Not "if she won't let me this will be the last time" but actually inform her at the beginning that you WILL be speaking to them, ensure she agrees (however begrudgingly) before you let them go.

But as much as you say the kids have a lot of fun with their grandparents, I really think you're missing a key point - she is a nasty woman who bullies you and undermines you. I really think it is not healthy for the kids to spend time with her away from you.

It is very likely she is speaking ill of you and undermining you to the kids - which is not good for them and could be very distressing.

Furthermore, your daughter has already learned that she has to tow the line with Grandma's overbearing and bullying behaviour or there will be consequences. That's not healthy. What if Grandma decides DD is too much like her mum? Will she bully her like she bullies you?

Good luck taking back control. Your children will thank you for it later

Unacceptable, end of. They don’t allow you to talk to the kids, they don’t get to have the kids.

The whole family dynamic sounds messed up to me and is affecting both your children in a negative way. My guess is that things would be a whole lot better, especially for your son, if you separated from DH.

I must admit the situation with my son and his father I think I have a lot to blame for it.
he was born before lockdown and when we all got sent home it was horrendous in our house and it was because of lockdown made me realise just how bad my husband was as a father and a husband. I worked through the whole of lockdown from home and I had to literally work and parent and cook and clean for everyone including my husband who was at home doing general diy tasks on the house - he thought because I was working from home I could just log on and that was me done for the day - we had many many arguments over this and it had a real damaging effect on us all - I always try and hide my anger from my children but it was just too much to bare and I definitely think my son picked up on the fact I didn’t like his dad - which resulted in him not wanting to be around him. This is a vicious cycle - now he will shout and scream saying I don’t want you I want my mam and literally won’t do anything for him which upsets his dad and then his dad shouts and it results in pretty much everyone in tears and me having to do everything for my boy!

im sat here in tears reading all these comments and I know what needs to be done and I really need to grow some balls and look after my children

my husband is certainly depressed, I think he is a lot worse then maybe I’m telling myself - his personality has definitely changed

everyone is saying about my relationship effecting my children, yes I agree with this and I also think my parents have effected my relationship as my mother left my father when she was mid forties. She was bored and they had drifted apart. They got divorced and my mother regretted it ever since. She is now extremely depressed herself, has never found anyone to spend her life with and has become almost a recluse. This has definitely made me feel I should try and ride the storm with my husband but yes I think the end is in sight. I just hope I haven’t left things too late to start again.
my personality has started to change and I am just coasting through life. I don’t have time for friends and I suffer from severe insomnia so I’m shattered constantly. By the time I have done my jobs and kids are in bed it’s then my bedtime as I am so exhausted

im sat here in tears reading all these comments and I know what needs to be done and I really need to grow some balls and look after my children
Don't you dare beat yourself up OP.
It's not your fault that your H is an abusive cock.
It can take years for women to recognise the pattern, & then get themselves & their DC out. You should clap yourself on the back for spotting it, & resolving to improve your lives.

my husband is certainly depressed, I think he is a lot worse then maybe I’m telling myself - his personality has definitely changed
Is he?
Does he have a diagnosis?
What is his treatment plan? Is he engaging with it?
What steps is he taking to improve his mood?

To your children - & you - it's immaterial WHY daddy is being an arse. All that matters is that he is being one, doesn't seem to recognise it is a problem, & isn;t dloing anything to actively address that problem.

everyone is saying about my relationship effecting my children, yes I agree with this and I also think my parents have effected my relationship as my mother left my father when she was mid forties. She was bored and they had drifted apart. They got divorced and my mother regretted it ever since. She is now extremely depressed herself, has never found anyone to spend her life with and has become almost a recluse. This has definitely made me feel I should try and ride the storm with my husband but yes I think the end is in sight. I just hope I haven’t left things too late to start again.
my personality has started to change and I am just coasting through life. I don’t have time for friends and I suffer from severe insomnia so I’m shattered constantly. By the time I have done my jobs and kids are in bed it’s then my bedtime as I am so exhausted
Slow down, take a breath, get logical.
You are scared of becoming your mother by leaving. But what you have just described here is ... you becoming your mother, by staying.

Imagine how much lighter you'd feel, in charge of your own home & your DC. Able to provide them with the happy family environment you want for them. Never having to feel let down yet again by H's laziness, bullying, neglect & moods. Never again having to communicate with his mother. Never counting down the hours til he's out of the house & dreading the moment you hear his key in the door. Never having to watch your children deflate because daddy's home, with his moods & contempt.

Please do not blame yourself for the distance between your son and his father. He had ample opportunity to build their relationship and chose not to. You're not responsible for the actions and inactions of a grown man.

It sounds really very hard and I do feel very sorry for you.

Your husband sounds dreadful but you are not responsible for his relationship with his children.

Your son doesn't trust him, with good reason and your daughter sees through him too.

Being honest and truthful about your relationship, to yourself is a good place to start.

Do NOT allow them unsupervised contact with your children again or they will be poisoning them against you!!!!!!!!

YABVVVVVU to declare yourself as 'head' of your household though! Your DH & you should be equal. Its attitudes like this which lead to behaviour like your MIL's in later years. Honestly, if you keep thinking of yourself as above your DH then you WILL end up just like your MIL with what I call a 'Peggy Mitchel complex!'

OP describes herself as head of her household because she is 100% responsible for running it. Her H does fuck all. She works longer hours, does all the childcare, all the domestic drudge, & takes all the mental load - I think this is the H who doesn't even know who the car insurance or mortgage companies are.

Her entire posts are about wishing that she had equality with her H for goodness sake. How can you not see that? Wishing that he would step up, that he would participate in parenting & being a husband. He doesn't - leaving her in solo charge. I agree with her - she's head of the house. Not because she feels "above" her H - as you so wrongly & unnecesarily felt you had to say - but because his neglect & abuse have forced her into the role.