Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

[Helphusbandsadick]

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

Exactly this. Tell her straight that you will be speaking to them or you will come and get them and it will be the last time they stay there.

My children wouldn't have stayed over after the first time I wasn't permitted to speak to them. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour!

You've been far too passive and sadly I do think you've allowed your daughter to see it's perfectly fine and acceptable to disrespect you. Your son is almost certainly picking up on it too if he's seeing his sister needing to be sneaky to contact you.

Hopefully that won't bite you on the arse when she's a teenager "Well nanny says I don't have to listen or talk to you, so I won't" with your husband passively standing there still not backing you up.

Saw your other threads, why, exactly are you still with this dreadful man? He's an utter failure of a parent and husband and him openly not wanting the kids will be so damaging to them. Advocate for your kids. Do better than showing them your misogynistic sham of a marriage, they'll think it's normal.

OP, re read YOUR posts.

You have written they have your children often and this is a continuous issue.

Your husband watches you be screamed at and denied access to your children, you are "afraid" to contact your own children when they are with these controlling people.

Read your posts.

Your husband has no backbone and never stands up for you.

You are not protecting your children if they are often in the company of people whom you are afraid to contact as they won't allow you to speak to your children.

The hospital incident is so dreadful, yet you have continued to allow them access.

Neither yourself nor your husband have boundaries and that is exactly what your children are seeing modelled.

Many many posters have written they would collect their children the first time this happened, but then many people would not resume contact with a woman who screamed at them.

You have accepted 20 years of this behaviour.

Your husband has been clearly damaged by this woman yet she has your children often......🤷🏻‍♀️....join the dots, of course your children will be affected by being around such toxic people.

I'd have never have allowed stays without me I'd have done the banning. Utterly appalling for your husband to support them.

I never look up posters previous threads, but if the above is the case, then it appears the situation is even worse than it reads on this thread.

Good God op, you could have been me many years ago. I can see that they provide childcare for you and you will think who else can do this. Believe me others can and will be it paid for or otherwise. You need to break this cycle now. Mine culminated with DH agreeing to them taking dd1 abroad for one week, prior to relations souring. They did not return for two weeks and I can always remember the dreadful feeling I had. DH actually stood up to her for once and she said he had agreed (no) and she would tell me he had.

I did stand up for myself when they blamed me for dd1 having pneumonia. This was because she did not have a cotton vest on that day according to them. This was stated in front of others and we had just got out of a stressful few days in hospital.

I put dd1 into nursery along with my parents supporting me. Her stranglehold needed to be broken. I have been no contact for over 20 years and regret nothing. Strangely and prior to no contact, when I had dd2 she did not want to know and basically ignored her birth and existence. It is all about power and control. Your pil are uncaring, weird and creepy and sorry op, you leave your children with them. Sorry if the thread has moved on, but this is my experience.

How about

"MiL they will only be staying if I speak to them on XYZ. Otherwise this and all future sleepovers are off.
I am their mother and I make the decisions"

Seriously it's hard to have sympathy. Fool me once Shane on you fool me twice shame on me...
What number are you on?

Well your mother in law is a domineering bully and your husband is spineless. But then I just wouldn't have married someone who allowed his mother to scream in my face and humiliate me in front of a room full of people and make my run home crying, so it's party a you problem too. You knew exactly what you were getting into with this family before you even married him.

I don’t think it’s OTT. @billy1966 has perfectly summarised the situation. Your years of passivity are genuinely shocking. It must tell you something that SO MANY people are astounded that you have tolerated all of this for so long. Where’s your self respect, OP? Where’s your backbone?!

Don’t believe any of this “is the case”

@Helphusbandsadick what are the 'dicks' redeeming features then? You said he refuses to parent, doesn't contribute to the running of the house, allows you to be bullied. This is all awful for your kids to think is normal. Can't imagine what qualities he has to redeem his other huge failings.

You are allowed to talk to them as much as you want.it can be soppy and silly and over the top.if that is how your are with your kids then that is your perogotive! She doesn’t get to dictate your contact.or def not cancel it all and control it.
this will be effecting your children.
your dd will no what’s going on.
she is also at an age where she need a safe team around her.not more reasons for confusion and thinking who on her side.
if she kicks up a fuss let her.what is she going to do.the more she kicks off the more she willl push you away.at the end of the day your kids are with you so her being a bitch will only severe the ties more.
mid let her no there will be contact as and when you all need it.
maybe you need to say:we’ve talked about it and kids and I will make sure we sometimes say goodnight.or if they want to check in we need to all make sure that happens ok.let’s not get crossed wires over contact like we have in the past. We wouldn’t want them to have to stop visiting because they can keep in touch with us would we. How silly wouod they be!insert tinkle laugh.

The things people put up with for the sake of free time/free childcare…

Re the advice from your Mil, have confidence in your own parenting and don't ask for her advice. If she says you should/shouldn't do something, tell her you'll be carrying on doing it your way because it works for you (plural - you and DH). So you absolutely need to get him to see your pov and back you up. Doesn't he want to speak to them when they're away?

Does it unsettle him? I have half a dozen GC, we have had children here for long weekends, weeks in school holidays and when parents have gone to weddings which are sometimes abroad and they are away for a week. This is 3 different families of children.

The only time I've suggested to parents that it wasn't a good idea to speak was when we had one of the little ones, think she was nearly 3 at the time, for a week. Mum wanted to speak to her which was fine except she cried for hours when the call finished and it took about a day and a half to get her back to enjoying what she was doing with us and her cousins who live locally. So mum phones again that night and I didn't refuse to let her speak to the little ones but I explained how the previous call had gone so she agreed it was probably best not to. I told her what we had been doing and sent her some snaps of her little one with her cousins on the beach/at the park/trip to the zoo so mum could see she was fine. The rest of the week was great.

I can see you've had a similar issue so that might be why they are doing it. What we did was have a couple of overnights so the little one didn't have time to really miss them, the first one we had a phone call next morning where mum and dad told her they were on their way so she was excited about that, the next time they rang when they got home and just had a quick word and then again the next morning. We never had another issue.

So if that is the issue I understand, it is bloody difficult when you are older to cope with a distraught child for a week and it is horrible to see a child that upset, otherwise I think you need to say you will speak to them or they won't be staying.

Based on this, I went and read your other threads.

OP, what are you doing with your life? What’s your long term plan? To just sit there passively while this awful man and his awful family walk all over you forever? You think this is what’s best for your children?

Yes I am definitely to blame to allow this to happen for so long - my children are my absolute priority, they have never been in any danger or to be honest probably never wanted to talk to me when they sleep over as they are usually having a blast - this is all about me just wanting to say goodnight to them - my daughter is of an age now where if she just cracks on with things 🙄

this little holiday I will assert myself as the actual parent and if I wish to say goodnight to them then so be it

I’m struggling to keep up with all these replies as my 4 year old is now wanting to build a scalextric - wish me luck!!!

I will read through the whole post later and try to reply to a lot of you - thank you everyone, it has been a bit of an eye opener and yes my relationship with my husband is just coasting along - we have an awful lot of ties that I am just not sure how we would break right now but think if we did it would involve selling our much love family home, which I really don’t want to do - a lot of our financial debts end in 4 years so I think realistically I should avoid a break up until then

my husband seems to think our marriage is ok and I think he is quite depressed - I’m sure he thinks our relationship will improve massively once my son is a little older and behaves a little better but that is a whole other thread completely!!!

I will log on later when I have tired my little boy it a bit

honestly though thank you all for taking the time to reply - it does mean a lot xx

Ok I’ve just read your other thread and it’s clear your husband is lazy and selfish.

You say he hates confrontation but he doesn’t mind it when you have to have him to do the most basic shit, does he?

His mother treats you like shit because she sees you are her son’s skivvy. He lets her treat you like shit because your primary role in his life is to clean up, cook and raise his kids. It is not your place to question his mother and you must take what she doles out with no objections.

You are in denial, OP.

I am just not sure how we would break right now but think if we did it would involve selling our much love family home, which I really don’t want to do - a lot of our financial debts end in 4 years so I think realistically I should avoid a break up until then
Depending on the equity you have in your house, surely a house sale would mean that you could discharge those debts immediately, rather than waiting 4 years? Don't let this reasoning be the excuse to not challenge the last 20 years & decide to change your life.

my husband seems to think our marriage is ok and I think he is quite depressed - I’m sure he thinks our relationship will improve massively once my son is a little older and behaves a little better but that is a whole other thread completely!!!
Your H is modelling an absolutely shit dynamic to your children & it's not in their best interests to live through another 4 years of it.
Your DD in particular as the older, & female, is witnessing him dismissing your job - despite the fact that you work far more hours in a much more pressured role than his - treating you as a skivvy, dismissing & neglecting his own children, siding with his bully mother in humiliating you, & directly bullying & humiliating you in your own home.

I can't see that you get a single jot of pleasure out of having to cohabit with this lazy, selfish, spineless little man. He puts you down constantly to make himself feel bigger. He does fuck-all for his family & expects you to pick up all his slack. Would life not be easier & happier without him dragging you down all the time?

Saw your other threads, why, exactly are you still with this dreadful man? He's an utter failure of a parent and husband and him openly not wanting the kids will be so damaging to them. Advocate for your kids. Do better than showing them your misogynistic sham of a marriage, they'll think it's normal.

If this is the case then you need to stop being so passive and take control of your own life.

I’ve not read the other threads but I’ve just looked at the username - when someone’s username is their husbands a dick, it’s probably not the best marriage in the world.

OP this thread obviously isn’t your main issue and I would sort the bigger issues like your marriage out first.

Just had a quick look at felt I should reply asap
i honestly do not know what has happened to my marriage! Or where I am to go from here! My husband was quite a good dad to his daughter and quite hands on or maybe I was a bit blind because now he is terrible - my son doesn’t have a relationship with him at all and never wants to be near him - I have to do everything for my son as son will not even allow his dad to give him a bath 99% of the time - my husband has gone from a funny man that likes doing family things to an overweight man who moans at literally everything - I cannot even nip to the shop round the corner for milk without him having some kind of disgruntled comment - I’m trapped at the moment due to financial obligations and couldn’t afford to leave.

Also I do actually feel a bit sorry for dh and I don’t think he would survive on his own, seriously! so I just think of him as a 3rd child in the house. He doesn’t cook, he cleans the odd time but has zero input to the running of a house or family.and I he literally has no clue as to who we pay our bills too, he doesn’t even know who our mortgage is with or what we pay!!!

we used to have a good time together but that is pretty much non existent now and I’m just left being walked all over - thinking about the poster who asked what his redeeming qualities are - I actually don’t know anymore, I’m trying really hard to think aswell!
I am literally staying together for the kids and money

This is mental.

OP, they don't stay over at your in-laws' house anymore. End of story.

Forget the blame game. You need to act. You are a good mum and you can do this. Your kids need you to advocate for them and protect them.

Please stop worrying about money and rip off the sticking plaster. You will not be leaving. You get to stay in the marital home, not him. You can sell the caravan you mentioned in one of your threads to free up some cash. Your 3rd baby will probably just move back in with mummy. He gets to make his own choices and mistakes and right now, the situation is unsustainable.

I am literally staying together for the kids and money
As per my previous post - the kids are NOT benefitting from having this lazy, selfish, grumpy man in their home. He doesn't act like a father or a husband - why would you want them continue having this role modelled to them?

As to the money - if you sold up, you'd be able to discharge your debts. Your H could go home to mummy, or live in the caravan - not your problem, is it?
Why are you spending any time worrying about & feeling sorry for him? He doesn't care about you, just that you continue being his own personal domestic appliance.