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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to stay up late but I'm exhausted

158 replies

Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:15

So basically my DH won't go to bed at a reasonable time and I'm so tired. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Our dog worships him so if he's the last to bed she pines for him, barks, scratches at the door and wakes everyone up. If DH goes to bed first the dog lies down straight away and goes off to sleep then I wait for 5 minutes then go up to bed. I have to get up earlier than DH as I have to drop DS2 off for his bus at 7am each day and also one night a week I have to get up at 2:30 to see DS1 out for his milk round (I go back to bed until 6. I'm absolutely exhausted. We've just had an argument about the whole thing. So the dog got agitated and wouldn't settle now I'm downstairs waiting for her to sleep so I can go back to bed. Have to be up at 6am in the morning. He gets loads more sleep than me. I do all the early mornings and he also falls asleep in front of the tv downstairs and I can never wake him up to get him to go to bed. He says I'm being mean by expecting him to cut his evening short. He tells me to go to bed first and he will sleep downstairs on the sofa with the dog. That always ends up making his joints really bad and he can be out of action for days and can hardly walk. Then I have to do everything.
Who is being unreasonable here? Am I in the wrong telling a grown man what time he should go to bed?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/10/2022 01:18

Why do you always have to do the early mornings?

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/10/2022 01:18

We sleep in separate rooms for these reasons. I like to go to bed earlier than my DH and it's not reasonable to make another adult go to bed, or stay up later to suit another.

Tyrannosaurusdrip · 23/10/2022 01:19

I actually don't think this is a you or husband problem. I think it's a dog problem. Why can't the dog sleep downstairs? Waiting until the dog settles/goes to sleep to go to bed yourself is ridiculous.

What age is your son doing the milk round? Can he take a bit of responsibility and set an alarm and get himself up?

Be kind to yourself and get some kip.

blebbleb · 23/10/2022 01:20

He needs to start pulling his weight with the kids! Also does your dog sleep with you both? Can that be stoped?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2022 01:20

Have your DH do the milk round and the early mornings.

Thatskindafun · 23/10/2022 01:21

For god sake stop martyring yourself
-if he wants to make his joints bad let him. Don’t do anything for him then, that’s a consequence to his choices
-someone needs to train the dog or you need to go to bed and put ear plugs in and ignore the dog. DHs problem since he wants to go to bed late.
-why do you need to get up at 2.30? If DS is capable of a milk round im sure he’s capable of seeing himself out for his milk round
-And why can’t DH drop DS off some days?

stop doing everything for everyone else and you’ll get more sleep

Floralnomad · 23/10/2022 01:23

You are wrong telling someone when to go to bed . Go when you like and take the dog with you .

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:28

Tyrannosaurusdrip · 23/10/2022 01:19

I actually don't think this is a you or husband problem. I think it's a dog problem. Why can't the dog sleep downstairs? Waiting until the dog settles/goes to sleep to go to bed yourself is ridiculous.

What age is your son doing the milk round? Can he take a bit of responsibility and set an alarm and get himself up?

Be kind to yourself and get some kip.

The dog does sleep downstairs. I wait until she settles. Literally take 5-10 minutes then I go up to bed. Son is 19 he gets himself up but I'm there to make sure he can get out of the house without the dog barking and waking everyone up.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 23/10/2022 01:30

YABU for telling an adult what time he has to go to bed.

YABU for accepting that you have to do all the early mornings and not insisting your DH pull his weight.

YABU to allow a dog to dictate what time everyone in the house can go to bed. Why can't you go to bed first and then the dog come up with DH later?

YABU to get up with a child old enough to do a milk round (unless said child has some additional needs, but even then share this out with DH).

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:32

YABU - just go to fucking sleep! Why aren’t you just goi g to bed? And why are you getting up at 2.30am to make sure your son goes to work - isn’t that his responsibility. You do sound a bit of a martyr! I’d absolutely hate being given a bedtime by DH like I’m a child. I’m a night owl and can’t sleep before 1am

Tigertigertigertiger · 23/10/2022 01:33

Go to bed as early as you like but don’t tell your husband when to go to bed.
You definitely have a dog problem.

I can totally see why this is stressing you out !

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:34

blebbleb · 23/10/2022 01:20

He needs to start pulling his weight with the kids! Also does your dog sleep with you both? Can that be stoped?

He needs sleep apparently and is always tired. He cant function on as little sleep as I can. The dog doesn't sleep with us she sleeps downstairs. She is old and set in her ways. She is well behaved most of the time and I have her in a very good routine. She knows the sign to go to sleep and gets in her bed and behaves. She is my DDs dog. She moved out 2 years ago so we are left with the dog. Her DP is allergic so she can't take the dog with her.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:36

I cannot fathom why anyone who has adult children, and not screaming babies and toddlers, sleeps as if she does still have babies/toddlers.

Leave DH downstairs with the dog. Sod his joints. Get him to do the 7am run (why can’t your DS make his own way to the bus stop?). And stop getting up at 2.30!

JustOrderADoor · 23/10/2022 01:37

Where to start?!

WTAF are you doing 'seeing DS1 out on his milk run'?? If he's old enough to be doing a milk run, he's old enough to see himself out. If you don't think he's capable of seeing himself out, he stops the milk run. If he's old enough to tell you to get knotted, he's old enough to sort himself out.

Aren't they boys not his? Otherwise why are you doing all of DS2's drop offs?

train the bloody dog.

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:38

I hear what you're all saying but if DH is asleep downstairs anyway in his armchair when surely it's best for him if he goes to bed before he gets to the stage of falling asleep. Tonight he came in the living room at midnight with yet another pint of lager. I don't agree with him drinking so late. I know he's not driving in the morning but that's not the point.

OP posts:
Thatskindafun · 23/10/2022 01:40

Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:38

I hear what you're all saying but if DH is asleep downstairs anyway in his armchair when surely it's best for him if he goes to bed before he gets to the stage of falling asleep. Tonight he came in the living room at midnight with yet another pint of lager. I don't agree with him drinking so late. I know he's not driving in the morning but that's not the point.

Is this even real now
why isn’t he allowed to drink
why isn’t he allowed to sleep where he wants
everyone has told you YABU for telling him when to go to bed and you’re not hearing it
just go get some sleep and stop working around everyone else’s, including the dogs, schedule.

MarshaMelrose · 23/10/2022 01:41

I don't understand any of this.
You want your husband to go to bed early so that you can keep the dog quiet from waking everyone so that you can get up in the middle of the night to stop the dog waking everybody.
Why is that your responsibility? Why can't your 19yo learn a way to keep the dog quiet?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:43

Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:38

I hear what you're all saying but if DH is asleep downstairs anyway in his armchair when surely it's best for him if he goes to bed before he gets to the stage of falling asleep. Tonight he came in the living room at midnight with yet another pint of lager. I don't agree with him drinking so late. I know he's not driving in the morning but that's not the point.

For the love of god woman! How does this mean you can’t go up to bed?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:44

What does the dog do if one of you is away or out the house?

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:47

Yes he can drink but when he's already had 8 cans then I think it's excessive. Especially when we can't really afford it.

I alway think it would be lovely to go to bed and watch tv together. In the 10 minutes it takes me to settle the dog and get upstairs he's snoring his head off. He constantly complains at how tired he is yet we have this several nights a week.

I really should sleep now. Everything is calm now and dog is finally asleep after all the upset tonight. I will try to let go a bit and he can deal with his own problems. I hate to see him in agony with his knees and ankles but enough is enough.

OP posts:
Vikinga · 23/10/2022 01:48

Well you've got to stop babying everyone. Let your DH do what he wants but be as loud as you want in the mornings. If he has sore joints that is tough shit, he still needs to pull his weight.

And your kids are old enough to wake themselves up.

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:49

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:44

What does the dog do if one of you is away or out the house?

She sleeps when we're not around or out of the house. If I'm away for the night DH is constantly texting me telling me what a nightmare she is being and how he can't sleep. When I get home he will sleep most of the day.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 23/10/2022 01:49

Go to bed and bring the dog. Is your DH retired?

You sound like Al-Anon might help you.

CourtneeLuv · 23/10/2022 01:49

Thatskindafun · 23/10/2022 01:40

Is this even real now
why isn’t he allowed to drink
why isn’t he allowed to sleep where he wants
everyone has told you YABU for telling him when to go to bed and you’re not hearing it
just go get some sleep and stop working around everyone else’s, including the dogs, schedule.

Show quote history

It probably isn't.

Vikinga · 23/10/2022 01:51

He's tired because he is an alcoholic. He drinks until he passes out but then because of his drinking, he will wake up a free hours later and not be able to get back to sleep properly.

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