DH wants to stay up late but I'm exhausted

[Confusedmaa]

So basically my DH won't go to bed at a reasonable time and I'm so tired. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Our dog worships him so if he's the last to bed she pines for him, barks, scratches at the door and wakes everyone up. If DH goes to bed first the dog lies down straight away and goes off to sleep then I wait for 5 minutes then go up to bed. I have to get up earlier than DH as I have to drop DS2 off for his bus at 7am each day and also one night a week I have to get up at 2:30 to see DS1 out for his milk round (I go back to bed until 6. I'm absolutely exhausted. We've just had an argument about the whole thing. So the dog got agitated and wouldn't settle now I'm downstairs waiting for her to sleep so I can go back to bed. Have to be up at 6am in the morning. He gets loads more sleep than me. I do all the early mornings and he also falls asleep in front of the tv downstairs and I can never wake him up to get him to go to bed. He says I'm being mean by expecting him to cut his evening short. He tells me to go to bed first and he will sleep downstairs on the sofa with the dog. That always ends up making his joints really bad and he can be out of action for days and can hardly walk. Then I have to do everything.
Who is being unreasonable here? Am I in the wrong telling a grown man what time he should go to bed?

Your son is 19 and can’t get himself out of the house without waking up a dog? Seems to me you have a bit of a control issue. Why not try this week letting your son get himself up for the milk round. Go to bed as early as you like and tell your husband he’s responsible for getting the dog sorted. And split the trips for your sons bus in the morning- why do you have to do them every day?!
Honestly, in this situation I’d be sleeping in separate rooms.

😯Just sort the dog out and leave everyone else to do what they’re doing, there’s absolutely no need to be giving your husband a bed time and getting up with a 19 year old! They’re adults FFS.

Crate train the dog, or take her upstairs with you... getting everyone to go to bed at a specific time to “settle” a dog is nuts.

I’m confused as well why your son can’t get up on his own.
So the dog makes a noise- so what?
You said she’s really well behaved?

I think there’s way more to this.

Why does your 19 year old son have a milk round? Has he had issues with jobs/ education? Is that why you are making sure he gets up and goes?
Or is it that your husband will kick off if he gets disturbed?

And who are you taking to the bus? Why?

Why can’t your dog just snooze beside your husband?

OP, your over involvement seems to be a symptom of something else.

Not real. No way.

Yes do this. Also why does the dog pine for him? Can the dog not sit downstairs with him till he goes to bed? Why do you feel the need to put yourself last?

Do you lock the dog away somewhere at night? That sounds like the problem to me. It obviously makes him unhappy. Why don't you just leave him to go where he wants and why do you have to put him to bed? If your husband is last to bed he can do that. If your dog wasn't locked away all his problems would stop. Does your partner even make you happy ever?

DS has a milk round and he works at McDonald's while he does his degree. The milk round pays well. About £10 per hour. He only does this one morning per week but it's enough each month to pay for his car. He did used to get up on his own but then the whole dog barking started. I think I just need to bite the bullet and let everyone get on with it.

DH doesn't get up for any of this because he is tired. He falls asleep downstairs most nights around 9pm. I really just want what's best for everyone. He knows that too. He works very hard at his job. He works every other Saturday morning and will sleep on a Saturday afternoon.

He is always complaining he's tired. He does drink everyday but it's not excessive during the week especially because he falls asleep after a few.

Actually writing it down i can see how I sound so bloody controlling. Going to make some changes.

The dog has the whole downstairs on a night. She can go anywhere. Because I'm the last one downstairs on a night she finds a spot, usually her bed, lies down and goes to sleep. If DH is the last one to bed she won't lie down, wants to be sitting on him licking his arm usually, which is totally gross. As soon as he leaves the room the barking and scratching starts. He can't deal with her so I would have to get up out of bed to sort her. Takes me 5 minutes. We've tried it this way and it just causes us both to be tired.

Go to bed when you want, leave dog with dh. It's up to u if u get up with ds in night but yes u will probably be tired. Let dh get to bed when he wants.

That was my point.

The above posters talking about op enabling him and a drink problem. If the Ops behaviour was as a result of a drink problem and she wanted him in bed to stop drinking, then she would ah w mentioned it in the op. Not, dripped in, after a few posts.

I said myself that if my Dp acted like the Op I would tell him to jog on. The micromanaging of everything and everyone from Op is over the top.

UABU - Are you aware just how controlling you sound?

Oh, I do wish this wasn't real but unfortunately this is what's happening. Posting has made me realise I should totally not be doing any of this. Like someone else said it is a shitshow

You are such a wet blanket and martyr. You've brought this all upon yourself. Grow a backbone fgs.

This is ridiculous. Your entire set up is ridiculous. Get rid of the dog.

Well done op make some changes. You don't have to make a big announcement, just change things up and look after yourself.

Go to bed when you want.

Leave your adult employed son to get himself up and out - if he gets in a relationship and his own home, you're training him to expect to be babied.

Try ear plugs.

Manage your own routine not everyone else's.

Your son is 19, you don't need to get up with him in the morning!!!

Train the dog.

Even better, make DH train the dog by not jumping to his rescue every 5 mins.

What else do you have in your life besides your nuclear family? Job, hobbies, friends? Time to spread your wings and reclaim your sense of self.

Look after yourself and let everyone else sort themselves out. Stop enabling them all. If you're tired, go back to bed and sleep if you can. The only one you have to feed and care for is the dog - the others can fend for themselves.

Do you have to do the 7am drop-off? Why can't your DS2 get himself to his bus?

You have a very badly behaved dog that you never bothered to train and it runs your household. Absolutely ridiculous! Most dogs don't bark at normal household movements. And at 19, your DS is old enough to get himself up and out. Realistically, what does you getting up even achieve? If the dog is going to bark, it will bark anyway. You getting up won't stop it from barking. So what's the point? I'd be worried though about how much your husband is drinking. It seems very excessive and must take it's toll on him and causes him to keep odd hours.

Change where the dog sleeps.

Have her been sleep in your bedroom. Then you can take her up with you when you go to bed - whenever you like - and you won’t need to wake up when your DS does his milk round.

(PS If your DH drinks every night, falling asleep after “a few”, that is excessive.)

There are some unnecessarily unkind posts on this thread. The harsh but fair ones about OP making a rod for her own back are fair enough - it's all too easy to fall into the role of universal fixer by default "because I can" - but fgs the woman is tired, in the thick of the life-plate juggling, can't see wood from trees etc, give her a break in the midst of the tough talk. And yeah, there's no reason to assume it isn't true (other than, you know, this is the internet, who can tell?). It's an all too credible scenario. If she hasn't mentioned a detail early on, it's quite likely she's just used to it as background and has only just thought to mention it.

I'm a bit disgusted that several posters say ditch the dog. That's a family member you're talking about. Presumably they love her. I suggest re-training the husband to learn how to settle his own bloody pet. Well, his daughter's pet, but he seems to be at the bottom of the evening settling issue. As for the young man getting up without the dog hearing - how's he supposed to manage that? If she's not deaf she'll hear him however quiet he is. Dogs got ears.

Don't understand why anyone even questioned why DS is doing a milk round. It's a job. Part-time alongside studying and/or other part-time jobs (as was later explained), or all he could get in these straitened times, why does it matter? He's working. Good for him.

Your DH can start going to bed at a reasonable time and then he won’t be too tired to get up in the morning to help out.

Agree completely. Ditch the dog. Yeah ditch an elderly dog as it’s needs 5 mins settling at night. Honestly some of the replies I see on this board lately I just think are ridiculous - why are people so unkind to each other? Do people get a kick out of calling people out online and putting them down?

It's your fault for not training your dog properly, when dog was younger. Irresponsible dog owner.