DH wants to stay up late but I'm exhausted

[Confusedmaa]

So basically my DH won't go to bed at a reasonable time and I'm so tired. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Our dog worships him so if he's the last to bed she pines for him, barks, scratches at the door and wakes everyone up. If DH goes to bed first the dog lies down straight away and goes off to sleep then I wait for 5 minutes then go up to bed. I have to get up earlier than DH as I have to drop DS2 off for his bus at 7am each day and also one night a week I have to get up at 2:30 to see DS1 out for his milk round (I go back to bed until 6. I'm absolutely exhausted. We've just had an argument about the whole thing. So the dog got agitated and wouldn't settle now I'm downstairs waiting for her to sleep so I can go back to bed. Have to be up at 6am in the morning. He gets loads more sleep than me. I do all the early mornings and he also falls asleep in front of the tv downstairs and I can never wake him up to get him to go to bed. He says I'm being mean by expecting him to cut his evening short. He tells me to go to bed first and he will sleep downstairs on the sofa with the dog. That always ends up making his joints really bad and he can be out of action for days and can hardly walk. Then I have to do everything.
Who is being unreasonable here? Am I in the wrong telling a grown man what time he should go to bed?

There should be a ? After ditch the dog above, I’m obviously not suggesting the dog is ditched, but calling out those who have said that so callously

Why do you get up at 2.30 for your 19 year olds milk round?

She is trained. The only thing that we can't seem to get right is her need for DH on a night time and her habit of barking at DS on his way to work. It's half term this week, I'm at work less days so maybe time to experiment with leaving them to it and just go from there.

I don't believe people who are happy in their work and life drink every single day. I like to drink and I drink often but not every single day. It's like a compulsion with him and it indicates he's unhappy.

I would be speaking to him about this and trying to find out what the problem is. A drink can so easily be a crutch to take that edge of the working week and feel like a reward after the achievement of getting through work. But every day without giving your liver a chance to heal is alcoholism.

Do you think he could go, say, a week without drinking? Could he manage that?

Your DH is an alcoholic and you're all tiptoeing around him so the alcoholic who drank himself to sleep the night before doesn't get worked up by the dog barking when people get up for work in the morning.

Or that the dog doesn't bark and scratch when Drunken DH can't cope with settling dog after he's stayed up late downstairs on his own ?

Stop tiptoeing. Put in ear buds to cut out noise when you've gone to bed. Your DH has a choice to go to bed with you so you help settle dog or he can stay up and go to bed later and settle dog on his own. Join AlAnon

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I understand wanting to help your DS with catching bus- you drive him to the stop? Unless you are rural and it's unsafe, that's a choice- and you're making yourself ill to do it. There are other jobs...

My 16 yo DD walks 20 mins to train-station and 35 mins from train station the other end to her work part time when she was doing A levels. She gets up at 5.20am for a 7am start at McDonald's and on late shifts gets home 11.30pm from train to home.

I pick her up or drive her occasionally when I can but as she says "I want to work mum, and that doesn't mean making work for you, I get myself there and back. ....(But a lift every now and then is nice thanks).."

She respects the fact that I work too, that she has younger siblings I'm looking after , and it doesn't help our household if I'm exhausted from being her taxi. She even catches an Uber (£15 one way to work) when late up every now and then (& catches train home) as she says 1.5 hours wages for an Uber an 8 hour shift is worth it).

I don’t understand how another adult is needed to do this.

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.
You’re being a martyr.

Sort the dog issue out then go to bed.

In the meantime DH will have to sleep on the sofa if the dog doesn’t settle.

Earplugs are your friend. Stop running around after everyone, it's ridiculous.

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH drank a stupid amount, wouldn’t come to bed, then fell asleep on the sofa, then was shattered and not capable of helping with the kids. He’s got a problem. And it’s impacting on you so yes I wouldn’t be happy.

However, all the getting up with the dog and the kids etc, just let them get on with it.

No. The dog clearly needs more training.

Stop pre-empting every single small issue that adults can deal with by putting yourself out. Your son will learn to not wake up the dog, or the dog will learn not to care. Your husband can sleep upside down if he wants and if that affects him, then it affects him. If he's then in pain the following day, then just say "you seem in pain, any idea wha caused it?", don't tell him how to fix his problem, if he can't work it out by now, then he's a moron. If te dog doesn't settle then don't spend all night sorting it, just leave the dog. If the husband complains that the dog is making noise, just say, "Oh. I've tuned it out." or "Yeah... oh well, let's try to sleep through it". Dogs are very very able at an old age to change their manners. It's a habit and takes around 3 weeks to change. (Around the same as for humans)."

Gonna take a stab in the dark here and suggest there is some major underlying anxiety around something and the need to control all of it stems from that. I’m gonna suggest DH’s drinking and the need to impose the outward appearance of ‘normal’ (bed on time, dog asleep) alleviates some of the anxiety around the ‘less normal’ (excessive drinking, disrupting household). I don’t think the need to try and control it all is necessarily because you are inherently controlling

I would leave them all at it. Honestly
I say that as a bit of a martyr in my own way but what good is it? What thanks do you get ?

Put ear plugs in
Go to bed
Shut the door
Leave them all to it

Leave them all to it as PPs have all said. dS can get himself up and find a way of not making the dog bark, he shouldn't need to even go where the dog is. Lock the dog away in the kitchen or something before you all go to bed so it can settle alone then you can all do as you please.

If DH is the last to bed and the dog is messing about send him to sort it and if he then sleeps downstairs leave him to it.

If he moans about his aches due to sleeping downstairs simply repeat 'maybe you should go to bed properly then' and let him get on with it.

You are trying to micro manage everyone's tiny mistakes, how are any of them going to learn to do things alone?

Other DS can make their own way to the bus stop?

If the dog is so good, both your son and husband should be able to quieten her down. You just need to go to bed with earphones and leave them to sort themselves out.

earplugs, not earphones.

And consult a pro dog trainer. FYI they mostly train the owners!

'He cant deal with her.' says it all really. What can he deal with? I'd ditch the husband and bring the dog up to bed.

This.

Seems like your life would be a lot easier if you got rid of the dog to be honest.
Or just unclench?

You sound like an absolute nightmare to be perfectly honest.

He falls asleep downstairs most nights around 9pm.

OP this is really making no sense whatsoever now, you’ve said your husband wants to stay up late, then you’ve said he falls asleep on the sofa at 9pm? That’s really early?

What time are you going to bed if you think him being asleep at 9pm is late? You’re not making much sense here…

How old is DS2? If he is 10 years old or older, and has legs and has no special needs, surely he can walk himself to the bus stop? I was, like many, walking to school by myself at 8. No able-bodied child over the age of 10 at least needs their mum giving them lifts to school. Time he grew up and learned to use his legs.

everyone takes the piss out of you but given you have tolerated it so long I am not sure how to fix it. Stuck with a pain in the arse dog and alcoholic partner and mollycoddling 2 grown up kids.