DH wants to stay up late but I'm exhausted

[Confusedmaa]

So basically my DH won't go to bed at a reasonable time and I'm so tired. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Our dog worships him so if he's the last to bed she pines for him, barks, scratches at the door and wakes everyone up. If DH goes to bed first the dog lies down straight away and goes off to sleep then I wait for 5 minutes then go up to bed. I have to get up earlier than DH as I have to drop DS2 off for his bus at 7am each day and also one night a week I have to get up at 2:30 to see DS1 out for his milk round (I go back to bed until 6. I'm absolutely exhausted. We've just had an argument about the whole thing. So the dog got agitated and wouldn't settle now I'm downstairs waiting for her to sleep so I can go back to bed. Have to be up at 6am in the morning. He gets loads more sleep than me. I do all the early mornings and he also falls asleep in front of the tv downstairs and I can never wake him up to get him to go to bed. He says I'm being mean by expecting him to cut his evening short. He tells me to go to bed first and he will sleep downstairs on the sofa with the dog. That always ends up making his joints really bad and he can be out of action for days and can hardly walk. Then I have to do everything.
Who is being unreasonable here? Am I in the wrong telling a grown man what time he should go to bed?

He will fall asleep around 9pm. By 11pm I'm getting tired so wake him and say shall we go to bed. He wants to start watch tv, listening. To music. It's usually after midnight before I eventually get to bed.

That's the dream. But we are in a tiny 3 bedroom house what is literally made of cardboard. I can hear DC turning over in bed (creaky beds but I can hear). Their rooms are on either side of ours. Both have wood floor so doesn't help with dampening the sounds. I love most of space to myself in bed. Treating myself to a night away with the girls. My own hotel room. It's going to be bliss

You aren't serious OP?
You get up at 2.30am to let a grown ass man out the house? Then moan you're tired?

Train your dog. Stop babying your DS and your DH.

Tell your husband that the last one up sorts the dog, and mean it. Buy earplugs. Once you've gone to bed that's it, unless there's a dire emergency you are not leaving the bedroom. If his joints are bad, well 🤷🏻‍♀️ a short story for him about consequences.

Incidentally what do you mean that if his joints are bad, you have to do everything? Like what? Does he work - will he still go?

Buy your younger son a bike to get to the bus stop. Your elder son can figure out a way to get out of the house without waking everyone, have some faith. And if not, well, you'll be wearing earplugs anyway. Enjoy your full night's sleep!

You see your 19 year old son out of the house, here's your 1st problem. Get a grip and stay in bed and let him sort himself out! Let your husband sleep on the sofa with the dog, it's his choice and don't do the other stuff he can't manage!

Do not get up with ds 19 on the milk round. What do you mean you have to be there to make sure he doesn’t wake everyone else up - surely he can do that for himself. And why is everyone else’s sleep more important than yours?

The dog - this is a problem but DH has to learn to sort the dog. Of course he can do whatever it is you do. Go to bed when you are tired.

Also he needs to do his share of mornings. No reason why this should all be you.

OK, buy earplugs for you today. Got to bed when you're ready and let DH deal with the dog. Do not get up to deal with dog.

Let DS1 sort himself out. He'll need to learn not to disturb ddog. DH needs to do some mornings with DS2.

Good luck.

Hopefully writing this down has helped you see the insanity of it all. You get up in the middle of the night to ensure an adult does not wake up a pet.

Go to bed. Put in earplugs and stop getting up to deal with your adult children or the dog until a sensible time in the morning.

You’re not so controlling. Your husband needs to sort his life out. Can’t you wake him up as soon as he falls asleep, instead of waiting till 11 to wake him up?

Why the hell are you waking him to go to bed?!

leave him in the sofa!

I think you’re getting annoyed about the wrong things. You’re annoyed because your DH doesn’t sleep or wake up at times you’d prefer. The drinking is annoying of course and toxic, however presumably you don’t need him for anything at silly o clock? And neither do you need to be up at silly o clock - stop getting up to baby everybody. Let your DH sleep whenever he wants and go to bed when you want.

I’m picturing the OP’s children to be all roaring dinosaurs thumping around and causing havoc rather than grown males who are absolutely capable of tip-toeing

Enjoy your night away OP!

Stop waking him up, leave him on the sofa & go to bed, tell him you’re doing this from now on and just do it.

Problem solved, he’s a grown man if he gets achey from sleeping on the sofa it’s his problem.

I think you've fallen into the age-old mum trap of putting up with everyone else's shit, with everything put on you so gradually that you no longer realise how much you're carrying.

It's not on you to tell any adults when to go to sleep. Equally, it's not your problem if they can't get up themselves or if they're woken up by a dog. Actually, why is the dog even your problem? Why was it ever acceptable for DD to dump a dog on you when it was no longer convenient for her?

Separately, and it doesn't sound as if you've really 'seen' this - your DH seems to have a drinking problem. His consumption is not normal, it's not healthy, and he needs to get help for his own sake, as much as for the rest of the family. You're minimising his alcohol consumption by 'not agreeing' with him staying up so late. It's not about him staying up. It's about him drinking too much and passing out because of it.

And when the other adults in the house don't pull their weight - why do you have to do everything? You've taken that on because no one else has stuck their hand up, and you being the pack horse has become normal. Next time everyone refuses to do their bit, look after yourself and stop running around after them. They'll soon learn that teamwork in a family is not you doing all the work in a family.

Please don't take any of the above as a personal attack on you. I'm cross on your behalf, not cross at you. Most of us have been there, and been unable to see it for ourselves - I'm trying to point out what's happening so you can consider bumping yourself up that priority list. Just because you're a wife and a mother doesn't mean your needs should always come last. Sometimes it has to be your turn to be the special one. C'mon. You're worth more than this.

@Confusedmaa Have you managed to make any changes OP?

Op as someone who tries to keep things running smoothly and now has a dog dictate too much in the house and has had to ease off early early mornings I have to agree with the martyrdom thing. I’m so sorry but stop trying to keep all the balls in the air. If the dog barks he barks. If it bugs everyone it doesn’t mean you’re the one to deal with it. If your ds is late or whatever he’s late. And leave your dh to go to bed but he has to get up if something needs to be done and maybe he’ll realise the reason he needs more sleep is because he’s going to bed late and having a drink at night!!

Yes, it's the dog situation that's ridiculous. That needs sorting.

You need to start letting the other adults in your house feel the consequences of their choices. A 19 year old can get himself out of the house on a morning. That shouldn't require your input. If the issue is the noise from the dog, get yourself some earplugs. Same with your alcoholic husband who does nothing round the house; get some earplugs so you're not disturbed by the dog and then let him crack with his decision to wreck his joints by sleeping on the sofa or staying up all hours and being tired - but do not pick up his slack around the house.

Sorry to say it but you are martyring yourself. You need to stop doing everything for these adults. They don't appreciate it and they're not suddenly going to be grateful. Stop doing all these early mornings and staying up settling the dog. Just get earplugs and leave them all to it.

But why can't your son manage that?

Buy big rugs for your sons rooms to counteract the noise from the wooden floor.

DS1 chucks the dog a bonio or something to stop her barking when he leaves for his milk round.

if DH falls asleep at 9pm wake him up immediately instead of waiting till 11pm then staying up with him even longer. That or take yourself off to bed when you’re ready and leave him there.

wear earplugs at night so if the dog doesn’t settle you don’t hear it. She’ll sort herself out.

lots of excuses but all these things are very easily sorted

I would hate my DH drinking that much every day. He sounds like an alcoholic. Given the dog situation, it's totally unreasonable behaviour. He also sounds like a petulant teen and not a loving considerate husband. He needs to be more respectful. If he's tired, he needs to go to bed earlier. His behaviour is having a negative impact on you and a reasonable adjustment from him would solve this.

Blow that for a game of soldiers!

You're an adult, go to bed when you’re tired. If it’s only 8pm, so be it. kick the dog out of your bedroom if it’s just you in bed.
Stop getting up at 2.30am to wave the milkman goodbye, he’s a grown arsed man, he doesn’t need his mummy waving him off. I have no sympathy for you getting up to deal with the milkman.

learn to sleep when you’re tired, ignore the rest of your family.

How are things OP, have you managed to change anything?

In all honesty it sounds like you’re babying everyone in the house.
You don’t need to assist your adult son to go to work and you don’t need to tell you husband when or where to go to bed.
does your husband work? Because if he’s ‘out of action for several days’ it doesn’t sound like he does. I’d suggest allowing the adult men in your house to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

And you needed to tell her that 5 months later, why?