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Original poster

DH wants to stay up late but I'm exhausted

158 replies

Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:15

So basically my DH won't go to bed at a reasonable time and I'm so tired. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Our dog worships him so if he's the last to bed she pines for him, barks, scratches at the door and wakes everyone up. If DH goes to bed first the dog lies down straight away and goes off to sleep then I wait for 5 minutes then go up to bed. I have to get up earlier than DH as I have to drop DS2 off for his bus at 7am each day and also one night a week I have to get up at 2:30 to see DS1 out for his milk round (I go back to bed until 6. I'm absolutely exhausted. We've just had an argument about the whole thing. So the dog got agitated and wouldn't settle now I'm downstairs waiting for her to sleep so I can go back to bed. Have to be up at 6am in the morning. He gets loads more sleep than me. I do all the early mornings and he also falls asleep in front of the tv downstairs and I can never wake him up to get him to go to bed. He says I'm being mean by expecting him to cut his evening short. He tells me to go to bed first and he will sleep downstairs on the sofa with the dog. That always ends up making his joints really bad and he can be out of action for days and can hardly walk. Then I have to do everything.
Who is being unreasonable here? Am I in the wrong telling a grown man what time he should go to bed?

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:51

TBH OP cutting out the booze will improve his health, 8 pints on an evening is insane. How is not on the floor?!

Hes got a cushy number though hasn’t he - doesn’t have to pull his weight with the dog or his sons, sleeps as much as he likes and has a wife who is happy to be a walk over (sorry to sound harsh but that’s really how it comes across)

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 23/10/2022 01:53

Confusedmaa · 23/10/2022 01:49

She sleeps when we're not around or out of the house. If I'm away for the night DH is constantly texting me telling me what a nightmare she is being and how he can't sleep. When I get home he will sleep most of the day.

Show quote history

This doesn’t sound like much of a life for you OP.

Next time you’re away bloody well block him, but not before telling him to STFU about the dog as you’re not interested.

Vapeyvapevape · 23/10/2022 01:56

The whole situation is nuts !

mathanxiety · 23/10/2022 01:58

@Confusedmaa

Go to bed when you want to. Buy earplugs. Set a loud alarm. Sleep all night.

Tell the family to sort themselves out as they please.

Stop fussing and feeling obliged to manage everyone else's problems.

They are all grown ups.
Your H's joints hurt from sleeping on the couch?
Tough. Choices have consequences. They have consequences for him, not you.

Your H doesn't sleep well because he drinks beer all night?
Tough. Choices, etc. Not your problem to deal with.

Your DD can't take the dog with her? How is this your problem?

Your DS can't leave the house without waking the dog?
He is 19. He can manage the dog in a way that is considerate.

...not your circus, not your monkeyz...

mathanxiety · 23/10/2022 02:04

You are a classic codependent and enabler, @Confusedmaa.

I recommend you contact Al Anon, for people affected by other people's drinking.

Your life consists of constant juggling of plates that your family fling at you. Instead of saying 'Fuck This' and binning the lot you keep catching plate after plate and juggling on, faster and with ever more effort.

You are running on fumes.

This is an insane way to live. But there is help available to guide you toward a big reset.

TwoTimTams · 23/10/2022 02:07

This is a scenario of your own making. You really don’t need to be doing any of this, it’s madness. Everyone including the dog can manage their own lives and sleep schedules without this much involvement from you. Take a big step back and let them do their own thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2022 02:18

Well you've got to stop babying everyone.

@Vikinga has it. Stop enabling everyone. Stop subsuming all your needs. Buy him a recline armchair for Christmas and he can sleep sounding downstairs, DS can leave and you can sleep soundly.

gerispringer · 23/10/2022 02:21

Your DH definitely has a drink problem if he is drinking that much every night.You need an honest conversation at a time when he’s sober and you are less stressed. You are enabling all this chaos and you need to step back from it.

Poppins2016 · 23/10/2022 02:21

Son is 19 he gets himself up but I'm there to make sure he can get out of the house without the dog barking and waking everyone up.

In the nicest possible way, this part of your post sounds utterly ridiculous. You're waking yourself up/keeping yourself away in order to ensure that "everyone" (except you) stays asleep?! Give it a few weeks without doing this and your son will have figured out how to keep quiet himself (assuming he's reasonable/responsible enough not to want to wake the household or deal with grumpy people the following morning).

As others have said, let DH deal with the dog. If it means he's inconvenienced or sore, he'll have a good reason to take steps to remedy the situation properly.

Try earplugs and/or white noise if you need to.

Poppins2016 · 23/10/2022 02:24

Just realise it's the dog that you need to keep quiet (really shouldn't be MNing at past 2 am)! But the jist of my post still stands - let your DS and DH with the dog. Best case, you sleep through. Worst case, you wake up... but at least you're not waking up on purpose. If you do wake up, stay strong and refuse to leave the room - the more other people deal with it, the less you'll be dealing with it.

EmmaH2022 · 23/10/2022 02:53

what did I just read?

Medoca · 23/10/2022 03:05

Obviously a wind up

BCBird · 23/10/2022 05:19

The drinking is excessive and expensive. Why is this happening? Is he unhappy? It seems like your husband has far more free time than you. If he is not retired or still able to work, why doesn't he find something? You need to stop organising your son. My guess is you are rarely intimate with each other and this bothers you. You need to have a frank discussion with him.

mrsbitaly · 23/10/2022 05:26

Yes unfortunately I think this a dog problem too as your partner shouldn't have to be sent to bed earlier than he wants and you shouldn't have to get up to let your son out due to your dogs reaction. I would highly recommend speaking to a dog behaviourist as its not going to stop until the dog learns to self settle without your partner.

Caiti19 · 23/10/2022 05:36

His joints might ache less if he didn't drink 8 cans of beer of an evening. That is a lot of alcohol. I can see why it's irritating to be left doing everything when a person is doing all the things that ensure they're incapacitated.

That one 2.30 waking is enough to make you feel crap for the whole week. Get really good ear plugs, let everyone else take responsibility for themselves, and get 8 hours a night. You'll feel like a new woman.

starrynight21 · 23/10/2022 05:39

Wear ear plugs. Go to bed and get some sleep. Everyone else looks after themselves. Honestly, stop treating them all like babies.

Ekátn · 23/10/2022 05:41

Hang on, so she knows everyone doesn’t agree Op suddenly also drops in he has a drink problem.

This entire set up sounds like a shitshow.

I can not believe you get up a 19 year old to keep the dog quiet. That whole thing doesn’t make sense.

The is obsessed with dh, but pines and scratches if he is downstairs with the dog?

I still can’t work out why everyone just doesn’t go to bed when they want. All this he should go when I go. Not having. A full night sleep to stop an adult waking the dog is all just weird.

You sound like you feel you have to be involved in everything and everything has to be how you think it should be. Maybe because of his drinking. Maybe not. If dp said we had to go to bed at the same time because it’s nice or because of our dogs, I would tell him to jog on.

Changingplace · 23/10/2022 05:42

gerispringer · 23/10/2022 02:21

Your DH definitely has a drink problem if he is drinking that much every night.You need an honest conversation at a time when he’s sober and you are less stressed. You are enabling all this chaos and you need to step back from it.

The OP hasn’t said he drinks every night at all, she said he’s had beers tonight - it’s Saturday night ffs.

Having a beer at midnight at the weekend when he’s not got to work tomorrow doesn’t mean he’s an alcoholic!

OP leave him to it sleeping on the sofa, if he’s stiff then it’s his choice, stop treating him like a child! Then the dog is with him, you go to bed, stop faffing about this.

Why isn’t he getting up to drop your son at the bus some mornings? Can’t work out why this is falling entirely to you?

As everyone else has said leave your other DS to get up for the milk round, stop babying everyone and creating jobs that don’t need doing.

Changingplace · 23/10/2022 05:47

Hang on, so she knows everyone doesn’t agree Op suddenly also drops in he has a drink problem.

She’s not said he drinks every night, just that he’s had some beers on a a Saturday night.

Jesus Christ the bloke gets told what time to go to bed and moaned at for having a beer at the weekend when he’s not got to drive in the morning!

OP is treating everyone in the house like small children, I’m irritated myself by the nitpicking, just leave them all to it.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/10/2022 05:54

Your NINETEEN year old soon has a paper round… su

Regularsizedrudy · 23/10/2022 05:55

re

Myunclesmustache · 23/10/2022 05:57

@MajorCarolDanvers We sleep in separate rooms for these reasons. I like to go to bed earlier than my DH and it's not reasonable to make another adult go to bed, or stay up later to suit another.

Ditto

My husband is an 'owl' and I am a 'lark'.
I tried very hard when first married to fit in with him but it didn't work. I was tired all the time and that, coupled with his snoring had me ready to move out.

Separate rooms saved our marriage !

BTW your DS1 is old enough to get himself up for work.

Changingplace · 23/10/2022 05:59

Regularsizedrudy · 23/10/2022 05:54

Your NINETEEN year old soon has a paper round… su

Milk round, not paper round.

butterfliedtwo · 23/10/2022 06:00

Changingplace · 23/10/2022 05:47

Hang on, so she knows everyone doesn’t agree Op suddenly also drops in he has a drink problem.

She’s not said he drinks every night, just that he’s had some beers on a a Saturday night.

Jesus Christ the bloke gets told what time to go to bed and moaned at for having a beer at the weekend when he’s not got to drive in the morning!

OP is treating everyone in the house like small children, I’m irritated myself by the nitpicking, just leave them all to it.

This tbh. Just go to bed when you want. The other adults in the house can sort themselves out.

TulipCat · 23/10/2022 06:12

You need to stop taking all this and enabling this ludicrous situation. Get rid of the dog, it isn't your problem. You have somehow placed yourself as the enabler in a shitshow.