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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it unfair the school called social services on my 4 year old?

271 replies

Sky1992 · 23/10/2022 00:44

So just seeking for some advice....

AIBU assuming that my daughter school took it too far calling the social services over a lie she made up?

I have twin girls 4 year old. On Friday one of them had a little scab from fighting with her sister. A teacher asked what happened she said I was peeling her scab and hit her with a hanger.
When asked by senior staff she demonstrated with a paint brush a hard blow to her arm. The school then called social services because apparently an item for abuse was used they called police who said this isn't a police matter. At the end of the school day me and my partner were waiting whilst the social worker spoke to my daughter who very clearly had a great time and was giggling and even said I'm just joking. Just to be on the safe side the SW came for a quick house visit and was happy to leave it there saying she will close the case. My question is was the school too extreme calling the SS knowing this daughter of mine does tell porkie pies (this isn't her first time)?

Did the school "over react"?

P.s I never hit my children I was hit as a child and saw the effects it had on me. My daughter does tell fibs and we had a very long convo about this after. To make matters worse I'm a primary school teacher and these sort of fibs and having services invovled can effect my career.

OP posts:
Bramblejoos · 23/10/2022 05:26

You should be glad it happened. If DD in the future comes up with something more serious then they will possibly disbelieve her.

allboysherebutme · 23/10/2022 05:26

Its procedure. X

DrManhattan · 23/10/2022 05:29

Social service didn't get called on your daughter, they got called on you.
Sounds like total BS. Dont think you are a teacher from your posts and how lacking in awareness you are.

Fruitbatt · 23/10/2022 05:30

Flymetothezoom · 23/10/2022 00:48

You are a Primary School teacher with no understanding of safeguarding? You need training immediately. Please ask your headteacher for a refresher course.

This

lovelilies · 23/10/2022 05:33

Your language and weird attitude marks you out as 'not a teacher' from my pov.

Well, I hope you're not anyway

Pancakeschoc · 23/10/2022 05:37

This is weird for many reasons

  1. are you actually a teacher?
  2. if you are then you’re bonkers posting about a safeguarding situation on here, particularly regarding an accusation made about you
  3. if you are a teacher it’s slightly scary that you’re so flippant regarding safeguarding
  4. yep, I get that you can’t be bothered to make an effort with grammar but it really is quite bad (I know mine isn’t perfect)
  5. why do mumsnet allow posts regarding safeguarding situations with children?
shabbadababa · 23/10/2022 05:41

I have had this before when my daughter was 2. Lucky I have cameras in my home for safety as I was burgled alot as a kid. So they day she said that I made the bump on her head I could prove was her having a fit due to me saying no chocolate at 8am in the morning.

1AngelicFruitCake · 23/10/2022 06:09

I would come down on her like a tonne of bricks! My 3 year old said I hit her once and I told her i can’t get too close to her because I’m worried she’ll say I hit her. So instead of playing with her toys I stayed on the other side of the room for a bit. I told her Daddy needs to look after her when he got home as obviously she must be scared I’m going to hit her. She was hysterical in the end and as I was cuddling her I told her how much trouble I’d be in for a lie. She never did it again. I don’t know why you’re letting her get away with it! SS came in and you had a chat 🤔

marcopront · 23/10/2022 06:17

1AngelicFruitCake · 23/10/2022 06:09

I would come down on her like a tonne of bricks! My 3 year old said I hit her once and I told her i can’t get too close to her because I’m worried she’ll say I hit her. So instead of playing with her toys I stayed on the other side of the room for a bit. I told her Daddy needs to look after her when he got home as obviously she must be scared I’m going to hit her. She was hysterical in the end and as I was cuddling her I told her how much trouble I’d be in for a lie. She never did it again. I don’t know why you’re letting her get away with it! SS came in and you had a chat 🤔

This is terrible advice.

You are suggesting verbal abuse and possibly neglect.

CruelworldKindwords · 23/10/2022 06:18

As a primary school teacher you will know and understand why the school had to contact SS.
This post just doesn't seem to fit right.

Duttercup · 23/10/2022 06:18

Even the social worker that came literally said to me this is soo silly, and how it was a waste of her time and she has to do what she has to do and she even had a pop at the schools assistant head
**
Reckon you jumped the shark there, mate.

AutumnCrow · 23/10/2022 06:29

Is there a kernel of truth in here, that you have a four year old you’re struggling with?

WitchyMother · 23/10/2022 06:30

@1AngelicFruitCake This is mental. What you've done is abusive. Terrible parenting there. It shocks me how you're pleased with what you've done and touting it out as a successful lesson. She was only 3 ffs.

1AngelicFruitCake · 23/10/2022 06:33

marcopront · 23/10/2022 06:17

This is terrible advice.

You are suggesting verbal abuse and possibly neglect.

Show quote history

Verbal abuse?! 😄 what would be your solution then? This is honestly the problem with a lot of children today, we’re so scared of upsetting them we don’t parent them properly.

I said it very calmly. I explained I had to move away from her whilst she was playing (for 5/10 minutes) because she might say it again and I hadn’t done it. She was an articulate, intelligent 3 year old. She never did it again. I have always been a loving mum who has played with her and her sister endlessly, listens to them and devotes a lot of time to them. It came as a shock when I wouldn’t play with her, not sure how that’s abuse! Actions have consequences! The OP went down the chat route, it didn’t work! I’m sorry but if my child caused that much trouble there would be consequences. This girl found it funny but she wasted a lot of people’s time.

roundtable · 23/10/2022 06:37

🐐🐐🐐

PayPennies · 23/10/2022 06:38
  1. Twins
  2. Midnight post
  3. ”SS”
  4. pretend abuse
  5. ”I’m a teacher”
1AngelicFruitCake · 23/10/2022 06:38

WitchyMother · 23/10/2022 06:30

@1AngelicFruitCake This is mental. What you've done is abusive. Terrible parenting there. It shocks me how you're pleased with what you've done and touting it out as a successful lesson. She was only 3 ffs.

I’m genuinely shocked that I’m getting this reaction. I didn’t shout, I moved away (in the same room). I was calm. She’d told nursery and my mum I’d hurt her when I hadn’t. I’ve never hurt her. It wasn’t the first time so this time I was firmer. Believe me i was upset at the time but she had to learn. Look what’s happened to the OP because she didn’t deal with it. Judging by these reactions you’d think I’d screamed at her and locked her in a room for an hour. This all played out over 10 minutes. She never did it again.

As my parenting was so terrible, what would you do?

Poppyblush · 23/10/2022 06:39

These aren’t porkie pies or fibs, neither is it a wild imagination. Making allegations of your parents abusing you is wrong, and more bizarre for a 4 year old to do it. She needs a therapist or psychiatrist.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/10/2022 06:40

Even the social worker that came literally said to me this is soo silly, and how it was a waste of her time and she has to do what she has to do and she even had a pop at the schools assistant head and said to her "could you not have asked her to demonstrate again and more accurately because the minute I asked her she giggled and said she's joking because she was sad that mummy didn't listen to her"

Utter nonsense, social workers know that teachers aren’t allowed to explore safeguarding concerns with kids beyond checking out what the child said happened. I also don’t know a social worker who would tell a parent their visit was a waste of time because we know it’s better to check than assume a child is lying.

marcopront · 23/10/2022 06:41

@1AngelicFruitCake

Which was it?

I would come down on her like a tonne of bricks!

Or

I said it very calmly

There is a difference

RightsHoarder · 23/10/2022 06:44

I don't think there is such a thing as over reacting. Many deaths have been caused by under reacting. They did their job.

1AngelicFruitCake · 23/10/2022 06:47

marcopront · 23/10/2022 06:41

@1AngelicFruitCake

Which was it?

I would come down on her like a tonne of bricks!

Or

I said it very calmly

There is a difference

Not really! Coming down on someone like a tonne of bricks doesn’t mean yelling and being out of control. It means making sure they know to never to ever do it again. I find a calm voice is often more effective. I’ll repeat that so many children these days have overly indulgent parents who are fearful of upsetting their child. I find my daughters behaviour hard work at times and have had to learn to parent her in a way that she responds to. All I can say is my daughter never did it again. She wasn’t abused and I think you need to be careful how you throw around the word abusive.

WitchyMother · 23/10/2022 06:49

@1AngelicFruitCake Well for one I wouldn't come on a 3 year old like a tonne of bricks or play cruel psychological games on her that she ends up hysterical. All your own words.
I would speak to her in age appropriate language, calmly and kindly on the importance of honesty. I would remind her it's good to let an adult know if someone hurt her but it's important to be honest and not make up stories about it because hitting someone is not allowed and very serious.
My two children have never made lies about being hit. One is very imaginative, loves reading and writing stories and song lyrics.

88milesanhour · 23/10/2022 06:51

And as a teacher I would report it but the rest would be down to the school and personally if a child told me that and I know she fibs about abuse and this isn't her first time and there is no mark I'd still report it for sure but I don't know about involving social services

I'm confused by this. I'm a doctor and if this is the normal procedure in schools I'm surprised. We are basically trained that if we suspect abuse then it's up to us to report it. Do not ask colleagues what they think, do not pass Go, just report it to child services and they will decide how much to get involved. The only time I've seeked help is when I've been less experienced and wanted a colleague's opinion eg whether they think a mark is a bruise or a birthmark or whether they think a story matches with an injury. I'm only just qualified now though and would just report something if I saw it. This is surely the safest approach?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/10/2022 06:52

kitcat15 · 23/10/2022 01:22

Fuck , very scary that you are a teacher with such a lax approach to safeguarding🙄

And such poor spelling, punctuation and grammar.