To end a 30+ year friendship over this?

[Loulou572]

One of my longest and closest friends, Emily (not real name) has a 25 year old dd, Poppy, with high functioning autism. She’s a lovely beautiful girl who half the time you would never even know had autism but it still sometimes makes her hard to communicate with until she feels comfortable and she can freeze up or avoids talking to people even if she already knows them well. She is currently living at home at Emily’s house with her boyfriend as they’re waiting for the house purchase to be completely finished in the new year.

Last weekend DD and I went to a bar in our town. It was around 10pm and Poppy comes in, I didn’t want to bother her, especially as I didn’t think she’d welcome it due to how she normally is, so smiled and gave a quick wave as she walked past and she went off into the toilet. About half hour later we was sat in the smoking area and she comes over, she was very chatty and asking alot of questions which is very unusual for her, I assumed she was just drunk but DD pointed out her and all her friends were chewing gum and thought it may have been MDMA or coke they were on as it causes issues with the jaw and “that’s the only time people chew gum on nights out”. She went to the bar to get a drink and when dd and I went inside a few minutes later she wasn’t there but there was
a couple of poor bar staff cleaning up a huge amount of sick on the floor and apparently a girl had been kicked out (didn’t realise this was her at that time)

About an hour later we left the bar and saw her getting escorted out of a second bar, I checked on her and she was definitely on drugs as her pupils were enormous, I asked her boyfriend what’s gone on and he said they were kicked out because she was sick, I asked why she was sick and was it her in the other bar, it was and they don’t know why she was being sick as there was no build up “she was talking and suddenly large amounts of sick just came pouring out her mouth”, one of her friends suggested it was sensory thing due to the loud music and lights but it was obviously due to the drugs. I offered to call her mum to get her as it was just gone 11 at the time but they said they already booked a taxi.

Sunday afternoon I text Emily to check how poppy was just saying we saw her last night and she didn’t seem too fresh. Emily said she’s all good, got in a 4am but she had a good night. I checked what time we had booked our taxi home which was shortly after she had got into her taxi as I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her and it was 11:48 so i don’t know where she was until 4am. I decided to call emily and tell her about the sick, getting kicked out of 2 bars, the drugs, and leaving before midnight despite not arriving home until 4. Emily says she already knows about poppy using drugs and says it’s ecstasy pills that she has a testing kit for so knows what she’s taking (can that be true though?). She being using it on and off since 2018 and Emily has just decided to ignore it because there’s not much she can do seeing as she’s an adult with her own money, it’s not often and it gives poppy the chance to go out and enjoy nights out like others in their 20s without her autism getting in the way.

I talked about this with a mutual friend who is closer to Poppy who apparently also knew and doesn’t see any issue, she sent me links to studies on how mdma/ecstasy helps with the social anxiety that comes with autism but all the studies are old bar a few and when doing my own research I found some that argued against it. I’ve expressed how uncomfortable it makes me and said to one of our friends I don’t think I can carry on a friendship knowing Emily is condoning illegal drug use and everyone’s piled in on me and some are even claiming my DD only suspected the drug use due to her also using drugs which is not true.

On one hand I know it’s not my business, poppy is a lovely girl with a good job and does fine most the time and Emily is normally very straight edged but on the other hand I don’t understand how any parent can be aware of their children using horrid drugs and just shrugging it off, it’s made me question the type of person Emily is and how I’ve not had an inkling she was like this before, I also don’t like how they dragged my dd into it with their false accusations.

Yes it’s none of your business and yes you are judging her, but also you can be friends with whoever you like and it doesn’t sound like you and Emily have as much in common as you thought.

This a thousand times! Doubt people would be so blasé about this if she took a bad trip and died.

I have autism and had never spoken to an unknown member of the opposite sex until i was 21.. I knew how to, but my anxiety just froze me.

Mdma was how i overcame it, not much, just a few times, once i’d broken that barrier it was like a door opening in my life that had always been closed. Once the drug wears off, the door starts to close, but never closes quite as far as it was.

Id probably have ended my life in my thirties if i hadn’t overcame it, it was clear what path my life was taking and my thirties were tough enough.

YABU

I dislike drugs, but yabu. It's pretty common to use them these days and I would also not be that quick to dismiss the comments that your dd knew the signs because she's done it herself. It's very possible.

If you aren't comfortable well, maybe that's the end of your friendship with Emily.

When I was younger my most of my friends did speed or ecstasy on a night out. I didn't take drugs but knew the signs cos my friends did. Anyway its often said that people who have taken drugs look slack jawed or like their jaw is swinging. I guess chewing gum could be a way to control their jaw. However I chew gum to freshen my breath after a combination of booze and ciggies. Its not only drug takers that chew gum on a night out 🙄

my thoughts exactly 😂

Well your daughter sure knew all the signs for someone who has nothing to do with drugs?

I've never taken a drug in my life but I know when people have been using drugs.

If she was on ecstasy pills which she tested herself, it sounds like she was already trying to use them safely. The majority of deaths from recreational drug use are from people who are unaware of what it is they’re actually taking, or who don’t research harm reduction or the correct dosages etc. MDMA is in the process of being approved as a PTSD treatment, and shows real potential as a way to deal with mental health issues. It isn’t as black and white as it seems, I would read up a bit on it before you decide how you feel.

If this is something you feel strongly about it is probably best to end the friendship - I’m sure neither poppy or Emily want someone in their lives who is judging them quite harshly, and I’m sure that isn’t enjoyable for you either. But it would be a shame to throw away a long friendship over something which isn’t really any of your business in the first place, and (IMO) isn’t really that terrible. Millions die from alcohol related illnesses each year, but no one bats an eyelid at that when they go for a drink.

Some people seem to think that because some drugs are illegal, they're automatically very harmful. It isn't always the case.

A lot of research supports that it isn't the case-some even saying that taken MDMA every weekend is less harmful than binging on alcohol.

I think YABU. You like these people, and ending a 30 year friendship over it is very OTT and seems to come from a place of personal ignorance.

I've never done MDMA by the way.

When I was a younger I struggled through a very difficult breakup following an extremely abusive relationship.

A friend encouraged me to try smoking cannabis. I refrained for months. When I finally did, I learned how to laugh again, how to see the joy in things, how to not feel in so much pain.

I didn't do it many times or for a long period of time. But I will never regret it. It was a kick up the bum that I needed to not be down all the time.

It isn't 'black and white' with drugs.

Personally I hate drugs & the casual approach so many have to using them but don't think you should cut your friend off.

MAPS have lots of info on MDMA research which is all new and ongoing, worth a read.

maps.org/mdma/

Some people are really struggling to see past the fact that drugs can be helpful to some people with autism. But people's positive experiences don't change the fact that Poppy's on that night was not.
Regardless of how supportive you are of her taking drugs to help her socialise, surely no one genuinely believes that being sick twice on a pub floor and being kicked out of a bar is desirable or normal? Because it really isn't.
Even in the hardest partying venues it's pretty rare to see someone in quite that state, and even rarer at the age of 25. It's undignified, anti social and unsafe and most people would be mortified with embarrassment in Poppy's position.
I can't imagine anyone who cares about her wouldn't want to discourage her from it. At least by talking to her about managing it better to avoid it getting so messy.
Just because a woman is 25, it doesn't mean parents and friends shrug their shoulders and stop caring about her. It might be the easy option, but its not the right one.

Why do you think this is any of your business? Imagine poking your nose in a grown woman's business like that and gossiping about it to other people/telling her mother.

It's embarrassing.

I wouldn't cut out my best friend because her daughter took drugs.

What do you get out of your friendship with Emily? Do you think you can both just avoid the subject of drugs? I have a couple of subjects I can't discuss with my closest friend, but we're still friends. It's a bit like how you can be friends with people who have different politics - until they cross a line and say stuff you can't accept. So that's what I'd be asking myself re the friendship - can we ignore the drugs thing?

Can we please just knock this rubbish 'you can tell the signs so you must have taken them' on the head? Except for a few puffs on a joint in my teens - and I don't really count cannabis as a drug the same way I would ecstasy or coke etc - I have never taken drugs and don't even drink or smoke. I despise recreational drugs and thankfully they're not in my social circle and never have been. I've been in some pretty wild outgoing friendship groups, but no-one has been into illegal drugs except a few who took cannabis. However, I can still tell the signs of someone who is on drugs and the chewing/grinding jaw action and dilated pupils are common tell-tale signs.

OP, I think you should do whatever you're comfortable with. Personally, I wouldn't end a long friendship over their adult daughter taking drugs or even if they took drugs themselves ( as long as they weren't around me when taking it).
However, we all have our principles and triggers, and this particular illegal/dangerous act upsets you to the extent that you can no longer relate to your friend perhaps take a step back from the friendship. But while you're doing that, reflect on the happy memories and the times you have been there for each other and consider deeply if you think this is worth ending a friendship for. So whatever you decide I don't think YABU but there's probably no need to be bringing in mutual friends etc into all this!

@DespiteAllMyRage
Competent adults with full mental capacity are free to make unwise decision.

I'm not quoting your whole post because I dont agree with much of it. But this is true. This is the exact legal definition of capacity.

I just hope the daughter reaches her senses soon, without any major adverse consequences. I think OP is right to have raised her concerns. As a parent I am always grateful when another parent reaches out to me with concerns.

I am very anti drugs and I can well imagine your concern at seeing Poppy in this state.

I certainly wouldn't be ending a friendship over it, not for a second.

I think Emily is on a long challenging road and doing her best.

Not easy at all.

I would continue to be a friend to Emily.

You'd break off a lifelong friendship because you don't like how her adult child behaves? Ludicrous. Some friend.

This. You haven't walked even 5 steps in Emily's shoes yet you would let a 30 year friendship go over something you seem to have no insight or understanding of. Emily is better off without judgmental loose lipped people like you in her life with your so called perfect dd and your faux concern

I mean this whole post is ridiculous…..you are very unreasonable and come across as a judgey gossip! Leave the poor girl and her mother alone, and get off your high horse!

If Emily were the one doing drugs then maybe, but to end a 30-year friendship because she is aware her dd does? Ridiculous.

You’re an awful friend and a very judgemental person.

I can imagine it would be shocking to see a girl you presumably knew as a baby and growing up, drugging it and messy as you describe. However, lots and lots of people do recreational drugs, especially in their 20s. Now in my 30s, I know many, many people who have good jobs, successful relationships, volunteer and are generally considered very upstanding members of society, who have all been absolute, gurning messes on many occasions. I think if you haven't ever taken anything like that yourself, it looks awful from the outside, but it's really not that big a deal in reality. Read "E is for Ecstacy" if you have the time - it tackles the topic from a whole different perspective and may help you understand and sympathise with the choices "Poppy" has made. If you really feel as strongly as you do, it might help save your friendship.

I've also just learned that everyone thinks I am on drugs

(I chew gum a lot).