To end a 30+ year friendship over this?

[Loulou572]

One of my longest and closest friends, Emily (not real name) has a 25 year old dd, Poppy, with high functioning autism. She’s a lovely beautiful girl who half the time you would never even know had autism but it still sometimes makes her hard to communicate with until she feels comfortable and she can freeze up or avoids talking to people even if she already knows them well. She is currently living at home at Emily’s house with her boyfriend as they’re waiting for the house purchase to be completely finished in the new year.

Last weekend DD and I went to a bar in our town. It was around 10pm and Poppy comes in, I didn’t want to bother her, especially as I didn’t think she’d welcome it due to how she normally is, so smiled and gave a quick wave as she walked past and she went off into the toilet. About half hour later we was sat in the smoking area and she comes over, she was very chatty and asking alot of questions which is very unusual for her, I assumed she was just drunk but DD pointed out her and all her friends were chewing gum and thought it may have been MDMA or coke they were on as it causes issues with the jaw and “that’s the only time people chew gum on nights out”. She went to the bar to get a drink and when dd and I went inside a few minutes later she wasn’t there but there was
a couple of poor bar staff cleaning up a huge amount of sick on the floor and apparently a girl had been kicked out (didn’t realise this was her at that time)

About an hour later we left the bar and saw her getting escorted out of a second bar, I checked on her and she was definitely on drugs as her pupils were enormous, I asked her boyfriend what’s gone on and he said they were kicked out because she was sick, I asked why she was sick and was it her in the other bar, it was and they don’t know why she was being sick as there was no build up “she was talking and suddenly large amounts of sick just came pouring out her mouth”, one of her friends suggested it was sensory thing due to the loud music and lights but it was obviously due to the drugs. I offered to call her mum to get her as it was just gone 11 at the time but they said they already booked a taxi.

Sunday afternoon I text Emily to check how poppy was just saying we saw her last night and she didn’t seem too fresh. Emily said she’s all good, got in a 4am but she had a good night. I checked what time we had booked our taxi home which was shortly after she had got into her taxi as I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her and it was 11:48 so i don’t know where she was until 4am. I decided to call emily and tell her about the sick, getting kicked out of 2 bars, the drugs, and leaving before midnight despite not arriving home until 4. Emily says she already knows about poppy using drugs and says it’s ecstasy pills that she has a testing kit for so knows what she’s taking (can that be true though?). She being using it on and off since 2018 and Emily has just decided to ignore it because there’s not much she can do seeing as she’s an adult with her own money, it’s not often and it gives poppy the chance to go out and enjoy nights out like others in their 20s without her autism getting in the way.

I talked about this with a mutual friend who is closer to Poppy who apparently also knew and doesn’t see any issue, she sent me links to studies on how mdma/ecstasy helps with the social anxiety that comes with autism but all the studies are old bar a few and when doing my own research I found some that argued against it. I’ve expressed how uncomfortable it makes me and said to one of our friends I don’t think I can carry on a friendship knowing Emily is condoning illegal drug use and everyone’s piled in on me and some are even claiming my DD only suspected the drug use due to her also using drugs which is not true.

On one hand I know it’s not my business, poppy is a lovely girl with a good job and does fine most the time and Emily is normally very straight edged but on the other hand I don’t understand how any parent can be aware of their children using horrid drugs and just shrugging it off, it’s made me question the type of person Emily is and how I’ve not had an inkling she was like this before, I also don’t like how they dragged my dd into it with their false accusations.

I thought your post was going to be full of concern for Poppy and feeling difficult about urging Emily to check she was OK but no it’s about your old fashioned attitude towards “illegal” drugs and shock that your friend has a realistic attitude towards them. Recreational drugs are very much about alongside alcohol these days. Have been for decades. Awareness and knowledge of these drugs is therefore the important thing not that they are against the law. Sounds like you’ve uncovered a big difference between you and friend and that’s what’s bothering you. I would withdraw from the friendship for your friend’s sake she doesn’t need this uptight stuff around her otherwise sensible management of DD circumstances. Yeah course your daughter is joining in it’s part of the social scene these days.

That’s not fair. I know the signs because I’m not an idiot/naive/12 and I’ve never done any of that stuff.

People with ASD use some drugs as their medicine. Never heard of E being used this way, but def know of dope being smoked or eaten.

Loads of people do coke, you'd be surprised, but many people you meet will use it - most £20 are contaminated with it.

I am personally anti drugs, but each to their own IMO. So I think you're being completely unreasonable as it's nothing to do with you what Poppy does.

I know the signs of drug use but have never taken any. There is a good drug education programme in schools and universities so most people that age would know.

To the OP, she may not condone her DD taking drugs but feels she needs to defend her. We can control our kids no matter how honest we may think, they will still lie. It's up to you if you end the friendship, but what if you hadn't been out that night? You would never have known.

Yes I think Emily should end the 30 year friendship with you. I couldn’t be doing with somebody so smug and condescending.

Not your business. You said your bit so leave it now and don’t raise the subject unless your friend does. Would you be so judgemental if she had been drunk ? I certainly wouldn’t end the friendship but she might unless you let this go. I also wouldn’t talk to others about it.

Ok so let turn this round, your friend sees your adult daughter do something that she disapproves of, implies that you need to work on your parenting skills, leaves , then a few days later ends a 30 year friendship, how would you feel, doesnt she understand that deep down you are worried but you need to protect your daughter against gossip, that you what her to be as normal as possible, or do you feel that she overstepped and that is has nothing to do with her or your friendship???
And no i dont promote drugs.

I didn't take Ecstasy in the 90's When I was a teenager. I hope Poppy doesn't get a dodgy batch. I can understand why you're worried. Keep the friendship as I feel her Mother is doing the best she can, it can't be easy. Give things time.

I think the main thing is to be supportive. Your dear friend may feel overwhelming anxiety over her daughters drug use. Possibly shame ( not saying she is).
She is a grown adult now but she will still have influence over her daughters choices if the daughter respects her mum.
I have 3 grown daughters myself and I still like to guide them in the right direction which any mum would. 😊

Actually, my experience is similar to yours. I'm not autistic but went through a tough time at school, being bullied etc so left when I could and got a job at 17. Then my best friend got pregnant and had kids at 18 which limited my social life and another friend moved abroad (but came back in her early 20s).

I did go out and had fun but it was always on the peripheries, my DB went raving and I should've gone with him but I'd had issues with anxiety and insomnia and severe PMS in my teens so I think he was overprotective of me.

At 24 I met my best friend at work who was into clubbing. At first we just went drinking in the local pub along with another friend of ours who worked there and some of the men who worked there. Then we went clubbing. It totally opened my lifestyle when I went out, as you say, because I could at last, look good, dance, had friends and have fun. Don't get me wrong a few of them were quite gossipy and bitchy when clubbing (drugs can do that to you!) and sadly my best friend took her own life in her early 30s (mental illness related). But I've never forgotten how great it felt to finally be going out, feeling attractive, buying nice, glamourous clothes and makeup and just having fun.

I think your reaction OP, to your friend is a little extreme but I'm astounded at the number of people on here who think drug taking is acceptable. 'We all survived it in our 20s ha ha' - well good for you. Having driven through the night last year to collect my 25 year old son from an emergency mental health ward where he was being looked after following an attempted suicide, I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was. I didn't realise he had been dabbling with drugs since the age of 15 and was a regular user of the 'soft stuff' at uni - apparently 'everyone' does drugs at uni. He'd been partying hard, over done it and become psychotic. We brought him home to look after him. He couldn't be left alone. He didn't sleep. I had to hide his car keys because he'd disappear in the middle of the night. He'd have full on psychotic episodes. I have never been so frightened in all my life. I thought my beautiful son had permanently damaged his brain and ruined his life. Eventually he improved but it's taken a year. He's finally back into full time employment and moved out into a flat with his girlfriend. I have to trust that he will never touch drugs again. I hope that none of you have to go what we as a family have been through this last 14 months.

I would hate to think my friend would go on a forum to tell everyone my business! Just take care of your own life and keep your nose out. As long as it doesn't affect you or your family what has it got you all stressed out for? You may have masked their real names but personally I wouldnt have you as a friend..your too interfering and you grassed her daughter up!

I wouldn’t lose a 30+ year friendship over this
Poppy is old enough to make her own choices and she is most likely going to take drugs behind Emily’s back regardless to Emily’s views. One of my friends knew her son used to take the odd pill and said she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop him and said she was glad she knew about it rather than being behind her back

I personally wouldn’t take drugs myself and haven’t, I personally would be really upset and worried if I knew my adult children were taking them so you’re not being unreasonable for being worried but I also know deep down I most likely wouldn’t be able to stop them if I did know. They’d just do it behind my back and would keep secrets from me.

I also think you should stop talking to other friends about Emily and her daughter because they aren’t needed to be involved or know what’s happened

Emily is her Mum, not you. I think you were right to alert her to what you were aware of. As she was aware of it too, I think that should be the end of it. You may have misgivings about this and no doubt her Mum is concerned too. But her daughter is 25 and, just because she has autisim doesn't mean everyone can commandeer her life - if they try to it might cause much worse problems.

I think it is a massive over-reaction to consider ending such a long friendship, but then you don't seem like as good a friend as you possibly think you are.

what you say about your own daughter gettig involved in it unnecessarily....I absolutely understand and you're not being unreasonable about that.

if I was Emily I would be ending the friendship for the fact you are a gossip and sticking your nose in where it’s not wanted!

YABU. Emily sounds like a lovely, sensible parent. She knows full well you can't prevent grown adult kids from doing what they want to do and she'd rather she do it safely (testing kit).

'Horrid drugs' I mean come on.

“Emily” is doing the best she can to maintain a trusting and open relationship with her ADULT daughter who has tried something most other young people have, and will no doubt come to the conclusion herself pretty quickly that it’s no fun vomiting in bars and getting chucked out. You’ve told other friends about what happened that night as well as waded in with unsolicited interference. You weren’t just checking her DD was ok. You are not a good friend and I’d be ending the friendship with you if I were her.

Not your life, not your daughter, not your business. Get over yourself.

So your friend’s adult daughter is doing something you don’t agree with and this is your business how?
Im actually quite aghast that you’re so involved with this.
Firstly the term “high functioning autism” is outdated. Poppy is an autistic adult women.
She is not a child.
Stay out of it and stop being so precious.

MDMA is widely known to have therapeutic benefits and this is widely researched. There’s nothing to suggest that prescription medications are better. They’re simply legal. That’s the only difference.

As above - you’re awful.

i would distance myself and daughter from drug taking frends,you will never get the truth about what they are taking,its something that would definantly worry me

your not awful,you are just being responsible,thats how it all starts to go wrong in lots of cases,why expose your child to the possibility of drugs entering your life,it always ends bad.

it always ends bad

Absolute rubbish. Lots of young people experiment with recreational drugs and the vast majority come to no harm. I couldn't tell you the amount of teachers / solicitors / health care professionals etc I know who took MDMA back in the day.