To end a 30+ year friendship over this?

[Loulou572]

One of my longest and closest friends, Emily (not real name) has a 25 year old dd, Poppy, with high functioning autism. She’s a lovely beautiful girl who half the time you would never even know had autism but it still sometimes makes her hard to communicate with until she feels comfortable and she can freeze up or avoids talking to people even if she already knows them well. She is currently living at home at Emily’s house with her boyfriend as they’re waiting for the house purchase to be completely finished in the new year.

Last weekend DD and I went to a bar in our town. It was around 10pm and Poppy comes in, I didn’t want to bother her, especially as I didn’t think she’d welcome it due to how she normally is, so smiled and gave a quick wave as she walked past and she went off into the toilet. About half hour later we was sat in the smoking area and she comes over, she was very chatty and asking alot of questions which is very unusual for her, I assumed she was just drunk but DD pointed out her and all her friends were chewing gum and thought it may have been MDMA or coke they were on as it causes issues with the jaw and “that’s the only time people chew gum on nights out”. She went to the bar to get a drink and when dd and I went inside a few minutes later she wasn’t there but there was
a couple of poor bar staff cleaning up a huge amount of sick on the floor and apparently a girl had been kicked out (didn’t realise this was her at that time)

About an hour later we left the bar and saw her getting escorted out of a second bar, I checked on her and she was definitely on drugs as her pupils were enormous, I asked her boyfriend what’s gone on and he said they were kicked out because she was sick, I asked why she was sick and was it her in the other bar, it was and they don’t know why she was being sick as there was no build up “she was talking and suddenly large amounts of sick just came pouring out her mouth”, one of her friends suggested it was sensory thing due to the loud music and lights but it was obviously due to the drugs. I offered to call her mum to get her as it was just gone 11 at the time but they said they already booked a taxi.

Sunday afternoon I text Emily to check how poppy was just saying we saw her last night and she didn’t seem too fresh. Emily said she’s all good, got in a 4am but she had a good night. I checked what time we had booked our taxi home which was shortly after she had got into her taxi as I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her and it was 11:48 so i don’t know where she was until 4am. I decided to call emily and tell her about the sick, getting kicked out of 2 bars, the drugs, and leaving before midnight despite not arriving home until 4. Emily says she already knows about poppy using drugs and says it’s ecstasy pills that she has a testing kit for so knows what she’s taking (can that be true though?). She being using it on and off since 2018 and Emily has just decided to ignore it because there’s not much she can do seeing as she’s an adult with her own money, it’s not often and it gives poppy the chance to go out and enjoy nights out like others in their 20s without her autism getting in the way.

I talked about this with a mutual friend who is closer to Poppy who apparently also knew and doesn’t see any issue, she sent me links to studies on how mdma/ecstasy helps with the social anxiety that comes with autism but all the studies are old bar a few and when doing my own research I found some that argued against it. I’ve expressed how uncomfortable it makes me and said to one of our friends I don’t think I can carry on a friendship knowing Emily is condoning illegal drug use and everyone’s piled in on me and some are even claiming my DD only suspected the drug use due to her also using drugs which is not true.

On one hand I know it’s not my business, poppy is a lovely girl with a good job and does fine most the time and Emily is normally very straight edged but on the other hand I don’t understand how any parent can be aware of their children using horrid drugs and just shrugging it off, it’s made me question the type of person Emily is and how I’ve not had an inkling she was like this before, I also don’t like how they dragged my dd into it with their false accusations.

It's a few pills, chill out, it's none of your business.

So you didn't like it when someone appeared to judge your dd once perceived substance use but absolutely fine for you to do the same to your friends dd? It sounds like you have minimal experience with substances if you think that kicking her daughter out, judging her and attempting to control her at that age would have any effect at all other than to break down the relationship that Emily has with her dd. It sounds like Emily recognises that her dd is using, is trying to help do damage control and still maintain a relationship and open communication which is really good parenting considering the difficult circumstances. Tbh I thought reading your post you'd have been asking were you unreasonable to let her go in a taxi alone with random friends while unwell and under the influence instead of insisting she come with you so you know she'll be safe.

I should say too, it does sound like "Poppy" was particularly messy that night. I don't remember anyone I know actually chucking up on the dance floor itself. But hopefully this was a bad night, and the norm is a bit less sicky. From midnight until 4am she might have been fine and had an amazing time!

I agree with you 100%. You’re the only one who genuinely cares about Poppy. People have no common sense or integrity or regard for others’ good anymore.

Your DD sounds like she was shit stirring and you sound like a shitty friend.

She’s 25, not 12.

Sort of comes over like ‘I’m not going to be your friend any more if you don’t do exactly what I think you should do’. Not exactly great friendship behaviour on your part. They aren’t kids any more and seems like one to step back from if your truly uncomfortable about the situation but not worth losing a friend over. If you can, perhaps consider offering your friend some emotional support instead?

Haha me to

Your post reeks of your superiority. For someone who has known Poppy since she was a baby, you didn’t seem to try very hard to help her home.

Stay out of it. Young people do sometimes experiment a bit and usually outgrow it all.

You go to some nice places, doesn't sound like an average night out for mother and grown up daughter.

This was my exact thought. Not close enough to Poppy to make sure the gets to her front door safely, but you’ve don’t your own research on the subject? 😂 you sound like a superior busybody. YABVU. No way would I leave a young girl in that state, I’d have personally taken her home myself. In fact, your friend should be annoyed with YOU.

I know many, many people who have good jobs, successful relationships, volunteer and are generally considered very upstanding members of society, who have all been absolute, gurning messes on many occasions. I think if you haven't ever taken anything like that yourself, it looks awful from the outside, but it's really not that big a deal in reality.

How is not a big deal? County lines, criminal exploitation, gangs & the associated deaths of teenagers are a big deal imo.

YABU
You don't know that she's condoning it at all.
If her DD is 25, she's an adult. You can hardly realistically control them at that age FFS

@LemonDrop22 you're really heavily invested in this. Why? It doesn't seem healthy to me that you are taking other posters' opinions which disagree with your own so personally that you have to make "put down" retorts to them all.

Your opinion is no more and no less valuable than anyone else's. If you find the responses on this thread so upsetting, it really would be much better in mental health terms for you to close the thread and resist all temptation to return to it.

Yabu to end the friendship and you were very unreasonable to leave her in the care of friends who clearly weren't looking after her properly on the night out.

The state she was in, you should have seen her safely home so, on reflection, it's not much of a leg to stand on.

You’re being unreasonable.
It must have been hard for your friend Emily to accept that her daughter uses drugs but she has accepted it. It’s not for you to judge her, a true friend would support her.

You're right it is none of your business. You sound awful! And gossiping about it with another friend too?!

By the way OP. I have autism. I took drugs in my late teens/20's and had a fucking amazing time, meeting new people and experiencing things I otherwise might not have. And now I'm a real grown up with a respectable job in the NHS, a family of my own, live in a nice house and a close knit group of very lovely friends. Appearing to be as middle class as they come, you wouldn't even imagine the things I got up to. More than likely, Poppy will end up the same as me.

Yes, @5128gap I can see why the OP would wonder whether Poppy really is in control of her drug use given what she witnessed, and I don't think it's a bad thing that she mentioned it to Emily. But as PP's have said, Poppy was 21 when she started self-medicating and is now 25, she's an adult and can make her own choices. Emily can't actually stop her.

I just dont get why you'd end a friendship over your friend's adult daughter's behavior. Your friend isn't the one taking the drugs.

You sound awful, the girl has autism, IS AN ADULT and has chosen to take those drugs for clearly social purposes, it was evidently a bad batch. Whatever your opinions are the fact you are even considering throwing away your friendship over this is a shitty thing to do.
And no I do not agree with drug taking, however I don't oppose to people using recreational drugs contextually as medication.

You are getting a bit of a kicking here OP. Lots of judgemental posts saying you are judgemental 🙄 Saturday night in aibu is never going to end well.

I think you are going to have to separate Poppy's actions away from Emily. Emily can't really do anything so all you can do is support her when/if it all goes wrong. Dont get involved otherwise, dont even talk about it. And yes I can tell when someone is high despite never taking them, you only have to watch reality cop shows to see the signs.

Why are you gossiping to mutual friends about what someone’s adult daughter is up to? Quite frankly you sound awful and I suspect your friend will end the friendship anyway.

Sidebar - Ive never taken drugs but I still know the signs as most of my friends did when they were younger.

I have bipolar disorder and had a difficult childhood - especially fitting in with friends. I’m in my late 30’s now but when I was younger (from 18-early 20’s) I took speed, ecstasy and drank heavily on nights out. I had two different friendship groups and though one group would never have touched drugs, my other group did regularly. My friends who didn’t touch drugs told their parents that I was, their parents then told my mum and one of them even contacted my mums best friend for her opinion (and to stir up trouble).
It’s more complicated in my situation as I’d attempted suicide 3 times before I was 19 and so trying to scare me saying drugs were dangerous was the wrong approach. My mum was conflicted because on one hand she could see me going out and enjoying myself and finding out I was taking drugs meant she had to weigh up which was worse, seeing her teenage daughter who had been badly bullied and never fitted in at school going out and having fun, or staying at home in her room at home alone deeply depressed and suicidal. My mum was also naive and had no knowledge or understanding of drugs, my friends parents were acting like I was shooting up heroin! I gained confidence after going out and having friends and got a job and realised my straight friends who didn’t do drugs upbringings were more damaging as they had been brought up with overprotective parents and later on they were the ones who ended up being spiked, getting pregnant or getting into dangerous situations from lack of education and going wild when they moved away from home. I spoke to my mum and she couldn’t do anything to stop me but I was honest and she knew what I was doing and where I was. In my eyes that’s much safer and I got bored of it quickly as I had nothing to rebel against.
My mum lost her best friend who told my mum that she was a terrible parent with a druggie daughter and that I was going off the rails. They had been friends for years but when my mums friends daughter was pregnant and she said “let’s hope she doesn’t end up a smack head like Mili” the friendship ended there and then.
My best friend now has two teenage girls and a 19 year old son. Because she knows about my past and my good relationship with my mum she has always been open with them and discussed drugs, sex and alcohol and said there will never be any judgement but she always wants to be able to discuss things. Her parents were very very strict and my friend said she was desperate to try everything when she left home and keep it all covered up. Her open minded approach means her kids tell her everything and some people disapprove as she went with her 15 year to the doctor for the pill, let her 16 year old daughter have a party with alcohol (fruity low percentage cider and alcopops nothing too strong) for her 16th birthday and let her sons girlfriend stay the night in his room since he and his girlfriend were both 16.
At 25 you can’t rule your kids lives and it’s nothing to do with anyone else, other peoples judgement does far more harm then good.
I’ve not taken illegal drugs since I was 21 and I don’t regret it because I had a blast going out. It could have been different if my mum had tried to stop me going out with those friends, I’d have either done it behind my parents back, missed out and spent my teenage years in my room alone and miserable or been totally naive like some of my other friends who ended up smoking crack thinking it was a joint!
I know some people reading this will disapprove and think I was a nightmare daughter, I’m not condoning taking drugs and I think it’s terrible now that so many young people rely on cocaine for a night out. Drug culture has changed a lot since I was young and even cannabis is much stronger now with it being skunk not resin. Cocaine is very different from taking a pill in a club on the weekend as it’s more addictive, expensive and it’s becoming as common as drinking alcohol (especially in my town) I don’t have kids and my attitude towards drugs would be different if I did and found out they were taking coke every weekend as I’ve seen a lot of peoples lives end up ruined from it.

This doesn’t sound as though it’s about Poppy really. I wonder whether you’ve either had another falling out that you haven’t mentioned or have been wanting to end the friendship for a while. The drugs issue would seem like the perfect excuse to make it about your friend, not you. I mean it’s a bit shitty but hey.

That said, you don’t have to be anyone’s friend. It doesn’t matter if they have been your friend for 30 days or 30 years. Do what you feel is right.

I'm not sure you are coming back op and I don't blame you. If Emily found out later that you knew what Poppy was doing and the state she was in that night and the night hadn't ended well then you would have been blamed for allowing it to happen by her and lots of mumsnet and called a shit friend.

Ignore the bitchy ignorant comments that your DD must be on drugs as she wouldn't know anything about them otherwise. A lot of people who don't do drugs will be around people who do. It's not that your DD was accepting it with others and not with Poppy. Your DD was telling you about the drugs when Poppy was in such a vulnerable state. That's very different to coming home one day and randomly gossiping about her. You sound like a decent person who was initially concerned about Poppy.