DH refusing dinner issue

[Lisagreen12]

thursday morning he txt when he was at work asking what’s for dinner as he needed to know if he had to try borrow some money, with it being the day before payday we had barely any food in
I replied saying we’ve got stuff in for a roast if you fancy it? And asked what time he would be home
he was happy with this
around lunchtime on his break we had an argument unrelated and at the end he said “don’t bother with dinner it’s not worth the hassle”
I didn’t reply to this message as I couldn’t be bothered with arguing but I’m not just going to not bother as the kids need to eat
he’s then gone and borrowed money off his mum and walked in the door after work with McDonald’s
So after 2 hours of slaving in the kitchen cooking a roast the kids didn’t want any of it.
Hes been in a mood since because we argued about that too, him saying I’m ungrateful and that he told me not to bother with dinner so it’s my own fault
but the kids had to eat and I didn’t know he was going to get his mum to send him money at his big age of 37, so was I meant to take the risk and leave them with nothing

You don't get any say in the household budget because it's 'his money'?

You're getting the silent treatment until you apologise, for not being delighted about him wasting borrowed money?

You get no say in it if he decides to feed the kids crap?

How have posters managed to read this and think the answer is to give you 101 things to do with a cold roast potato ffs?

OP, you should post in relationships about this, you will get better advice

Two reasons I mentioned throwing away food: it's wasteful, but also if you put it away and think well that's tomorrow's meal done, then you feel less resentful.

He was an idiot, but presumably he has redeeming features. If his mum keeps loaning him the money, not much you can do to stop it.

You shouldn't apologise for cooking dinner, but you could apologise for not telling him you were ignoring his last message. And he can apologise for not telling you he was buying dinner...

People saying I need to budget better, why doesn’t my DP?

People are using "you" in the plural. ie, you and your dh between you.....you know, working together like an adult couple.

It’s his money, it doesn’t go into my bank account, if I set up a budget I’m demanding what he does with his own money.

Of course it isn't his money. You are a family. As a couple you have taken the decision that it makes sense for one of you to stay at home while the dc are small as childcare costs would be more that you can earn, so therefore all money coming in to the house is family money, for you both to agree how to budget.

For me, and virtually every poster here, that means not throwing away perfectly good food, and not buying takeaways without having saved up over time so - if that is a real treat for you both - you can afford to buy it without having to borrow.

It also means talking about things like if he can afford to stay in a job that only pays minimum wage but is an hour's commute each way and costing a fortune in petrol....... if he is in a place where minimum wage is what he is able to earn, then are there not any jobs where a goodly chunk of that money doesn't get eaten up in traveling there ?

However all this is minor compared with you saying he is "still giving you the silent treatment" and you "will be expected to apologise" before that stops and that you couldn't intervene when he started feeding your 1 yr old McDs, even though you said you know it is wrong. This whole discussion on this thread seems like it is a small part of the main concern which is that you do not seem to be an equal partner in this relationship.

Only read OP's posts but obviously, she's gonna get a lot of 'talking down' to because they're a working class family. It might be fun to scour the replies to see how many people have basically advised 'get a better job then.'

it’s about 50/50 whether he pays her back or not, I don’t get all the info about it. He does owe her thousands including for his current car.

This is your husband. Your family, your life and future. How can you not know or care about your own husband being thousands in debt?!? This is your life, it affects you, and your children. Your husband is very irresponsible but you seem so blase'.

Yep, my thoughts exactly. They're both irresponsible and OP thinks she has no say in her own marriage.

Did you not read the OP's posts? Her husband is in thousands of dollars in debt, which the OP thinks is not her business despite her being 50% of the relationship, it affecting her children AND her husband having to borrow money for food. Maybe actually read the OP's posts before coming in with your handmaiden apologist bs.

If you were skint ,wouldn't you google ideas before throwing away perfectly decent food?

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/collection/leftover-potato-recipes/amp

@JennyNotFromTheBlock
having to borrow money for food.
He didn’t have to, he chose to. The OP was preparing a meal, it was the DH who overrode that.
I’d be worried about controlling behaviour by the DP if OP is beholden to him over money. Not her flinging some spuds in the bin.

@HailAdrian theres definitely an element of that in some of these comments. A lot of unconscious bias and judgement.

Forgetting the potatoes - the underlying feeling I’m getting is that the OP is being controlled, albeit not obviously. An argument and she has to be first to say sorry or it’s the silent treatment. No say or input into budgeting or how money is spent, DH ups and leaves job due to stress. A (D?)H who sulks, runs to mummy for cash, moans if she doesn’t allow him to feed the baby McDs and undervalues her input. All the while she is expected to “run the home” with no control.
I hope OP your degree course goes well, not easy to do with so many children (include your husband in this) around. Good luck.

With the additional info he seems more like an anchor than a partner.

I was under the impression he was really young and immature.
So he has no ambition and careless with money.

You might be better off without him dragging you down.

Wow! You clearly weren’t desperate for food if you could make a roast but he borrowed money like a child to buy junk food instead.. I’d be fuming.

@emptythelitterbox yeah he’s 37 and I’m 25

You could do so much better.

You’re 25 - you should be out living life and having fun, not tethered to someone on minimum wage, approaching middle age.

I'd also assumed he was 22 or 23 maximum.

37 bloody hell. He's unlikely to grow up then - this is probably it...

It says he’s 37 in the OP, people….

You're 25 and you've saddled yourself with this man? I agree with PP you could do so much better.

And that is your business because? I’m perfectly capable of reading posts thanks, let me know if you need some help understanding what it is the OP was asking for advice about.

If you have no access to family money then you are being financially abused. Silent treatment is emotional abuse. You have a baby and a toddler, so you must have been 21 or 22 ish when you met this man? Controlling, abusive men often target young women with less experience of life and relationships.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

It's great that you are getting your degree as it will give you a lot more power and options down the track.

@rosangelanne benefits top up (mostly used for rent) goes into my bank, as well as child benefit.

It's often what happens in AIBU, hateful or posts enquiring about your nicker's colour suddenly take over your original post.

You have more problems than jhaving to throw away a few potatoes when your H behaved like a 2 y.o in a tantrum and borrowed money to buy McDonalds when he knew there was a roast dinner waiting. Considering your finances are not the best, his way to deal with an argument, it's disgraceful.

You are married to one of those men who refuse to grow up and will always blame you, your kids or anybody else for their own immaturity. Unfortunately, you can't change him.

As to posts trying to blame you for being a stay home mum, disregard them. They are the same posters talking against trans issues and how they affect women, while being misogynistic because you are a SHAM.

AIBU is not female friendly.

No OP, you know what I meant. You shouldn’t have bothered with HIS tea. He can crack on and do what he likes. You should’ve fed your kids what you made them, but you didn’t. I highlight doubt he was forcing the Maccies down your kids and yes there was no need to throw away the for you made, that’s wasting even more money.